I am Tired

Am I all right? Asking myself this question seems a bit weird. But the answer is also something I never knew, or maybe I knew but always neglected my feelings. Why? Because I never wanted to accept the fact that I am not okay. Even when I am self hurting myself, even when I am in a lot of pain because of my period cramps, even when I am crying a lot, even when I have a panic attack, even when I lost a friend, even when I feel alone, even when I am scared of myself, even when I say help me, even when my psychologist told me I am not okay, I lied to myself that it would pass, and I am alright. 

I TOLD MYSELF THAT I WAS ALL RIGHT. Yes, I did. 

 Why did I do that? What can be the answer now? What is it? 

The answer is I don't know. I don't know. But what I know is I was never all right. I was never okay. In the first chapter, I wrote about some friends. They are gone now. Broke the friendship, that's all. 

After all, that is the ok-ish liar I have become now. Now, I am trying my best to give my body and every organ of my body to heal. Yes, I have accepted that I am not okay. I need time to heal. so I am giving that time to myself. I never neglect my studies because they are essential to my well-being. If I gave up on my studies, I might give up on myself. 

But Sometimes I don't even know what or who I am. I guess A human? Then what about my feelings, why do I always feel so tortured by myself that I feel nothing, But Still I feel much more. Much more than everyone beside me. 

 Truly, I am exhausted, just a lot tired. 

' From what? Isn't everything alright? If something is wrong, We can make it alright. You can tell me. I will not judge.' ' Can I really tell everything? But What do I tell you?'

 How do I tell when I don't even know anything? Do you want to know my favourite colour or about my panic attacks? Do you want to know about my hobby or the nights I have cried? Do you want to know about my skincare routine or the nights I couldn't sleep? Do you want to know about my happiness or my pain? What should I tell you? If I tell you, Will you listen to everything without going away? Will you not leave? You will not compare with me, right? You will not tell me that you also had more pain but you still tried hard? You will not ask for reason, right? Because I don't have any sense. What do you want to know? About the million times, I cried or about the centuries of smiles, I do to keep my sad face hidden. About the times I felt a sudden happiness but In the end, it was nothing, just my eyes filled with tears. About the times I did try to tell how I felt nothing but ended up making a joke Because I was Scared, Pathetic, sad and hopeless. Do you wanna know me? But Whose personality of mine? Will you be able to accept me? My suicidal self? Will you be able to heal me when even I couldn't?

 I am exhausted from myself, and from everyone who cares for me. Because at some point, I feel they don't care. Even though I know they care, My mind doesn't let me be free. How can I be even free from my mind? When more than twenty voices run in my mind at one time, I am so exhausted that I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't cry, I can't smile, I can't feel, I can't do anything. It takes a lot of strength and I am pushing myself to the point where I just want to disappear. I try not to touch any sharp objects because I know just one second, I will be gone. Even when someone asks me If I am okay, I feel like, is it worth telling them when they don't even care? And what if they care, Will it change anything? Will they gonna be there for me? 

 Truly, If I think about myself, there is nothing I want. I don't have any favourite dish anymore, nothing excites me anymore, and meeting people feels way too exhausting, so am I depressed, or anxious? Yeah, It's been four years, I have a high-functioning depression with anxiety. I changed many psychiatrists and took therapy too. People around me changed, they cared for me at some point but they were not there when I needed them to understand me at some point. So, I became strong. Changed my defence mechanism, kept myself busy, wishing If I am not gonna eat and drink anything and gonna work my ass off maybe I will pass out on my own. Maybe my thoughts would stop. Maybe my heart would stop.

 I didn't know that life at some point would be so hard that I would have no hope. I asked many people, where they get hope for living. They gave different answers. Family, friends, nature, responsibilities, Inner motivation, for a better future, getting hope from every failure and new things, but somehow they were not the answers I was looking for. I don't have any living hope for myself. I don't get hope from others, I don't feel a thing but I know that much that people care for me. They care for me a lot so If I die, They will fail because not at every point, but at some point, they did try to save me. After getting way too overwhelmed, I attempted a suicide attempt by taking an overdose of antidepressants and antipsychotic drugs. It was a failed attempt. But after that, I thought I found some hope for living. I felt happy for some days, My exam went well, till after that I found myself crying on the floor thinking why I couldn't get up. Why I can't move my body? Wasn't everything all right, then why am I feeling so miserable again? I kept asking myself what was wrong with me but never found a proper answer. Everyone asked me why I just can't be happy, But every time my mind told me, " Happy? Do I deserve it?" 

They asked me, why Don't I eat? My mind said," Eat, but How? 

They asked me, Why am I always sad? My mind said," Only If I would have known the answers, maybe I would feel fine." 

They asked me, What is wrong with me? I said, " I wish I would have known what's wrong with me too. " 

 I genuinely think Physical disabilities and physical disorders are much better than mental disorders. At least, people will not think you are doing it all for attention seeking. Right now, I don't have any purpose in life. My sole purpose is to survive. Survive for whom? For myself? No. Not for myself. But for the people who care for me. For those people who did care for me at some point. 

 I don't get Hope from anyone around me, I don't even have the strength to do anything, all I know is to push myself. Keep pushing myself to my limits and then extending them to the point of my exhaustion to survive. For myself? No. To show others, that I am fine, I am doing okay because I am trying. I am trying. 

 I am not that old of a girl though. I am 19 years old. I am a young adult. I have friends, family, and people who care for me too. people love me too. But the care and love they gave me is exhausting. Getting out of bed, and getting out of home is exhausting, even drinking water feels exhausting. But I am not someone who fails that easily. So, I got out of my comfort zone one day and went to meet my brother and his friends. That was my mistake. Because at some point, I felt, I should not have come. 

to be continued...