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A Song Of Chad And Thunder

Join our anti-hero, Chad 'Melvin' Thundercock, on an endless quest of poontang and pub-crawls through your favourite worlds, picking up broads and bros alike. There will be tears (from Chad's enemies), there will be laughter (from Chad at his weeping enemies), there might well be tears of laughter (from us, bladdered on ale and mead). Read on to see the legend of the Thundercock manifest! Seriously though, this is a passion project written by a bunch of mentally deranged individuals who got drunk on discord one night and decided to take the piss on Webnovel. This is a pure satirical comedy meant to poke holes in the cliché fan fiction format and just have fun with a ridiculous concept whilst telling an entertaining story. The authors are Dickheads, and their powers combined to make them Uber Dickheads. By extension Chad is also an Uber Dickhead so don't take the shite these idiots spew to heart. It's all for shits and/or giggles. It might work, it might not. Likewise, it might fail on the first day, or it might be what sparks internet-wide bans on the publication of fan fiction (here's hoping). Either way we're having fun, and we hope you will too. The first world he wrecks is DxD, not 'cause it was voted or 'cause it is a popular Webnovel setting, but 'cause we like big ol' tiddies - end of story - roll credits. ₽68.99 Entry Ticket Furthermore, it goes without saying that all the works referenced are the intellectual properties of their respective owners/publishers, not in any way connected to us, so please support the official release. We create transformative content under the concept of fair use (which we know doesn't exist in Europe T.T) and hope that we don't get the book thrown at us. This is a work of fiction, any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

adeadas · Anime & Comics
Not enough ratings
10 Chs

th Chapter

Chapter Title: [Prodigies Unite! "Live on for me"…? A New Life For A Disciple!]

"Regarding the new orders from Satan Lucifer," The red-headed president of the Occult Research Club, Rias Gremory, addressed the devils in the room.

"We were to investigate the unexplainable energy spike that occurred at the beginning of the week," She continued with a solemn expression.

To her words, those present simply nodded.

"And ours were to assist the Gremory peerage and maintain open channels between other concerned parties," a young black-haired devil added. This was Sona Sitri, heiress to the Princedom of Sitri; and younger sister to Serafall Leviathan.

The Sitri heiress had joined Kuoh Academy alongside Rias, whilst given her own territory surrounding the town of Kuoh. She and her peerage made up the school's Student Council and used it as a guise for their devil work; much like the Gremory peerage.

"I'm surprised that Lady Leviathan allowed for you to be involved, she's quite… how shall I say, overprotective?" Rias had replied to her childhood friend with a small laugh.

"Well, it's as much my territory as it is yours, Rias," Sona replied with a small smile, "Though I suppose this is what you can call 'the pot calling the kettle black', is it not?"

"Fufu, perhaps," Rias laughed softly with her friend and fellow King.

"However, I should probably bring this up…" Sona seemed reluctant to speak, "Is… Is he alright being here?" Pointing towards the corner of the room.

*SnORE* x1

Sat on a Chesterfield leather recliner, or rather splayed upon it, Chad was meditating.

*SNooooooREEE* x1

REM meditation by the sound of things.

"He's been like that for the past 2 hours, it should be fine… I think." Rias reassured.

"This is not like you Rias. Letting strangers sniff around your business." Sona was not convinced.

Rias looked at the drooling Chad and then back to Sona.

"You're right, it's just… I don't know. Something is wrong with him." Rias added to Sona's scepticism.

"Tsubaki did tell me the short of it. But what is his deal?"

"That is what I also want to know. You were told how we couldn't put him to sleep, right? Well, he also seemed to be sensitive to demonic powers." Rias explained matter-of-factly.

Pushing her arm forward, she aimed at Chad and invoked a magic circle.

Sona's eyes opened wide, and was about to reach out and stop her friend, but a moment later the magic circle crumbled.

"See, nothing. The first time around he caught Akeno, our best mage, immediately. But now nothing works." Rias shook her shoulders and sat down behind her desk.

Sona wasn't sure what Rias was trying to prove.

"Every time he shows up at the clubroom we test him. And still nothing. I'm starting to believe it was just a fluke the first time around."

"You're not sure and yet you allow him to do as he likes?" Sona still couldn't connect causality in her head.

"That's what I'm trying to say, Sona. He's under a sleep spell now, we also altered his memories of our first encounter," Rias gave Sona the missing puzzle piece, "I was going to have him removed from his position and wipe the records clean of his involvement with us, but the sudden mission gave me no time to act."

Sona's expression finally showed understanding. But then she remembered something.

"Didn't he take a full dose of a strong paralytic?" She inquired about her final doubt.

"And here's why I can't figure him out. I also tested that, and he doesn't even blink no matter how potent the concoction." Rias sighed.

"In fact, Akeno took his resistance as a challenge, and tried every mix she could think of. I'm glad I caught her though, as she was about to start feeding him neat poison…"

*SNOOOOorE* x1

"Ufufu, that was a shame," Akeno showed up from behind the clubroom with a tea trolley, "I would've liked to see how far he can take his mockery of my skills." She said with a dangerous tone.

Unbeknownst to the devil girls, Chad's extravagant display of power a couple of days ago drained him greatly, and he was nowhere near recovered.

Chad relies solely on his BDE to be functional, even passive abilities like magic detection. His reasoning being that 'Me muscles are mightier than the pen' …or something.

This was also the reason why his physical body was second to none. Diseases and poisons were broken down and excreted. Violently. Rectally.

"Anyway, I feel like we have strayed from our original topic." Sona decided she wasn't going to bother.

"It happens with him around." Rias said with indignation.

"Regarding your discovery earlier this week, we asked the Shinto representative in this region if the old shrine was under their management once more." Sona became serious again, "As you expected, they had nothing to do with its restoration."

"The wards protecting that place are not Youjutsu either, they are like nothing I've ever seen." Akeno interjected.

"Better safe than sorry, I don't want my ear shouted off by nii-sama for starting a faction war." Rias joked.

"On our end, we also discovered movement in the old protestant church, we suspect Fallens." Sona continued her debrief.

To her words, Rias' brows shot up. The church, however dangerous to her kind, was still inside of her territory. Fallen Angels interfering was a clear sign of aggression. And given the current circumstances…

"You think they had something to do with what happened last week?" Rias asked, her brows scrunched this time.

"They did contact a Kuoh student at the exact same time as the unexplained phenomena took place." Sona continued.

"WHAT!" Rias stood and slammed the table hard.

*SNo* "HUH! FUCK…" *SnORE*

"…What!" She whispered this time.

"Hyoudou Issei, second year. Average grades, looks, physicality, standing with the student body. And if the rumours are to be believed, a future sex offender." Sona explained further.

"... Bad," Koneko took a break from her food to add her two cents.

"Right, other than that last bit, he's usually a person of little note." Sona rode off the back of her comment.

"What could they possibly want from him then?" Rias tried to follow the plot.

"If I may." Sona's Queen, Tsubaki Shinra, gave her thoughts, "Recently our Student Council members have noted a faint domineering presence - one most in this room have no doubt noticed."

"As Tsubaki says, the presence although faint is without a doubt powerful." Sona supported her Queen, "My theory is that Hyoudou may have a dragon-type Sacred Gear."

The Gremory peerage all turned grim at this new revelation. They indeed noticed this so-called presence, but given the current circumstances, its implications were severe.

It took a long while for Rias to ruminate over all the information she had received.

"This is quite a lot to take in… you believe he's responsible for that dreadful energy?" Rias finally asked.

To her question, Sona nodded, "Otherwise that would be one hell of a coincidence."

"Is he still human!?" Rias was taken aback. That phenomenon was several magnitudes higher than that of a high-class devil.

"If you're asking about the nature of his Sacred Gear then I don't know, but if we're talking about his physiology then yes. We looked into his family history, all humans." Sona revealed what she knew.

Rias sighed and leaned back into her seat, pinching the bridge of her nose. A little later she opened her eyes with a cheeky grin plastered all over her face.

"Fufu, this is not as bad as it seems. If he's still human, then all we need to do is our usual work."

"So you're picking him?" Sona seemed suspicious of her rival's thoughts.

"Umu, I should have enough pieces for him to join." Rias proudly announced, "Though, if the Fallens have their eyes on him, I'll have to hold off for now."

"Maybe even just giving him a summoning flyer will do, Buchou," the knight, Kiba Yuuto, gave his opinion.

"Hmm, yes I think that'll work. In fact, I'll get my familiar on it right awa—" Just as Rias was responding a loud bellow interrupted her train of thought.

"— Fuck me, how long was I out?" Thus, the Kraken awakens.

Chad, completely discombobulated with his current surroundings, started scanning the room; noticing an increase in the number of brats.

"The fuck's this then, huh? A tea party?" Chad pretended that he wasn't just drooling over himself a minute ago.

"Ah Sensei, glad to see you're with us. Although we've met on occasion allow me to reintroduce myself: I am Souna Shitori—"

"Sauna Shittery yeah? Aye, I remember, Student Council President yeah? Cool." Chad lost interest.

Ignoring the plight of the Student Council, Chad checked his watch, "AH FUCK! Okay, kiddos. Wrap this shit up I gotta go - meant to be helping the wifey move today."

The day had finally arrived, Chad and the Valkyries were moving out of the abandoned shrine they had been calling home since leaving Chadhalla. With the help of Saki, and a few under-the-table deals, Chad was able to secure a Townhome within Kuoh; and as a bonus, the house itself wasn't too far from the academy.

"Bye-bye, goodnight, vamos, adios, avanti, sayonara, fuck off - whichever you like."

Bowing ever so quickly, all present started making a dash for the door. No one wanted to deal with a disgruntled Chad.

"And just like that, the poofter went poof," Chad heaved a sigh of relief, "Shit better get cracking."

Quickly getting his shit together, Chad ran off to meet with the Valkyries. It would be a long night ahead of them.

******************************

"Damn Ise, you still hung up over that chick?"

"Yeah, bro. As Sensei said 'you'd be a playboy if you weren't such a pussy' so lighten up."

The early morning chattering of class 2B was cut short by two very "concerned" friends.

"I know, I know it just came out of nowhere…" Issei replied to his friends who were attempting to cheer the boy up, "ARRGH! Why is life so unfair!?!"

Almost as soon as it started, the young romance between himself and the mysterious Yuuma had ended… with a single text:

[Yuuma-Chan: I'm sorry, I don't think it'll be wise to go ahead with the date… This was just a dare that went too far, sorry.]

"Like fuck you are!" Issei lamented, re-reading the text from his now ex-girlfriend, hoping to find some workaround.

"Face it, dude. You got played." Slapping Issei on the back causing him to slump over slightly, Matsuda winced at his actions.

Issei, giving Matsuda the stink-eye, noticed the leaflet given to him on the way to school had fallen out of his pocket. Picking it up and shoving it back in his breast pocket neither of the two said a word assuming it was some scam or "God loves you" pamphlet.

"Anyway mate, you're not the only one either," Motohama responded in a downturned voice, "I got asked to meet a girl behind the gym… That was the first time I got mugged by a girl."

"Bahahaha, she really got you worse than Ise had it huh."

"Yeah Motohama, that's pretty bad… haha," Issei began to slightly cheer up.

"H-hey, it's not funny alright!"

"Sure whatever, 'Motorboat' pfft"

"You fuck—"

Bang x1

The abrupt sound of the door breaking signalled the arrival of their teacher. Quickly ending any conversations and returning to their desks, the students were well drilled into knowing how to start a morning.

"Fuck sake, man. Thought Saki fixed this shit," Chad grumbled as he entered the classroom, before noticing everyone ready and awaiting further orders.

"Huh? Well, colour me surprised. You kids can learn," Chad gave a small round of praises to his homeroom, "Okay that's enough, don't want you lot getting the wrong idea. Sit down."

Taking their seats and getting ready for registration, most in the room noted that Chad was a bit more irritable than usual, and so to avoid any unnecessary casualties all the students made a silent pact to be on their best behaviour.

Whilst 'Motorboat' started registration, Chad reflected on the previous night.

After leaving school and arriving at the make-shift accommodation he and the Valks had made out of an abandoned shrine, completely legal of course, Chad 'n co began packing any and all the belongings they had accrued into boxes to be shifted into their new abode.

… Which is how it should have proceeded, however fate is but a fickle mistress, and last night she was a bitch.

The issue of transporting the goods to the new house presented itself, leading Chad to have a 'fantastic' idea.

While Hrund finished packing boxes she would hand them to Chad, whose only real job in this operation should have been to get the boxes from Point A: The Shrine, to Point B: The new house, where Geirfingr was to unpack everything. All in all, a solid system with only one fatal flaw - Chad getting bored.

Believing himself the embodiment of efficiency, he gave Geir a heads-up and once all the Valks' belongings had been transported via the Chadexpress, aka a slightly fast speed walk, Chad started butterfly-kicking the boxes to Geirfingr via the stratosphere, hoping and praying she could catch.

After the airdrops had finished, Chad got another earful from the two, something along the lines of, "That was irresponsible" and "What if you missed and nuked Kuoh" - two very valid queries.

The Valks simply sighed in the end and chalked it up to their master being, well, their master. Thinking that without such nonsense, their lives would be boring, and they preferred to do missions this way - à la Chad.

"Sensei, the registration is done, sir." Motohama brought Chad out of his expositioning.

"Good private, at ease," Chad replied in military standard, but quickly remembering something he stopped Motohama, "Oh! Before I forget, bring the other two mouth-breathers with you after classes. Looking at Hyundai over there, he's gonna need a Chad special."

"A-ah yeah, so you noticed Sensei."

"I did what now?"

"Of course, I'll send him your way!" Motohama had given Chad too much benefit of the doubt and ran back to the other two morons to pass on the message.

"... Good grief" Chad could only sigh.

"Okay you three listen up," Chad addressed his three disciples, "especially you Hyundai, you look like you need this right now."

Flinching at being called out, Issei could only nod sheepishly.

"When you start the grind there's gonna be some shit that slops, you feel me?" Chad put on his most empathetic voice, "But, you can't be dissuaded by these situations. You've gotta plough on!"

"Yes, Sensei!" x2

Matsuda and Motohama both knew where this was going, and being bros showed their enthusiastic support for the advice.

"... I know, Sensei. It's just so sudden." Issei was downturned but seemed to have taken some of the advice to heart.

"Well, remember what I've taught you already kiddo! Fuck 'em!" Chad emphasised with a superman pose, "But not literally, of course, Chad doesn't condone that—"

"Oh! Wow thanks, Sensei!" Issei had a complete 180 and had more life in him, "Look at the time! We'll be off, thanks again, Sensei! I'll act on it ASAP!"

And with that, all three boys bowed and exited for their next first lesson.

"... That boy's gonna get himself killed." Chad sighed for the umpteenth time, "Wait why'd they… Oh shit, they have P.E.!"

Chad made a quick dash for the field and track, today was shot put.

******************************

The night quickly descended on Kuoh, in the central park of the town you would usually find couples indulging on their carnal instincts in public displays of affection… or for those who are illiterate, they snog 'ere innit.

However, tonight no couple could be seen engaging in such an activity, but that wasn't to say there were no couples present.

By the lone fountain of the park, stood the figure of a girl - no, an angel, a Fallen Angel to be precise. With wings as black as the night sky above them, her attention was drawn to the other figure laying down on the floor clutching their abdomen.

If anyone was around to see the moments leading to this event, they'd probably be put in an asylum; Who in their right mind would believe a seemingly ordinary couple having a chat would lead to one being brutally stabbed by the other, the latter having transformed into an angel.

"Y-yuuma-… Chan" The mortally wounded soul lying on the ground struggled to say any more words - blood quickly filling his throat.

"Sorry brat, you could have lived a tiny bit longer if you didn't try to come looking for me," The Fallen Angel tutted, almost feeling sorry for the boy… almost, "But, at least this is one last job I have to worry about, for now, I need to get back to —"

'Red…' Issei was ignoring the Fallen's monologue, only concerned by the crimson colour he saw on his hand that reminded him of a certain upper-classman.

"If you want to blame anyone, blame yourself for coming for me," the Fallen snickered, "and the God that gave you that Sacred Gear—"

SMASH x1

Cut off from her speech the Fallen was stunned by what appeared to be a meteorite that slammed next to the two.

"... I knew my senses were tingling for a reason," a tall shadow emerged from the smoking crater.

"W-what the hell?!?" The Fallen was shaking.

'... is that sensei?' Issei thought, 'I wish it could have been her…'

"So you think you can make a shish-kebab without inviting me, huh?" Chad cracked his knuckles as he slowly walked towards the Fallen Angel.

"T-there's been a misunderstanding here! E-erm, can you help him? He's my boyfriend," the Fallen stuttered an excuse, meanwhile, she was having a crisis inside her own head; 'Dammit Raynare, get it together. He's just human…'

"Oh? Is that so?" Chad said with an amused smirk, "Do I look like a medic to you?"

Finally arriving in front of Raynare, Chad towered over her. Slowly she felt the power to move again, and without a second thought made a dash.

Not missing a beat, Chad unrooted the nearest lamppost and, using his expert javelin skills, nailed the fleeing Fallen Angel - Piercing through her right-wing, forcing her to land.

"'Aight one problem solved…" Chad brushed the injured Fallen to the back of his mind. Gazing down on his dying student, he had far more pressing issues to deal with.

While thinking through multiple scenarios to save the poor bugger from bleeding out, a sudden blinding red light flashed in Chad's eyes.

"Ah! Fuck sake!" Temporarily flash banged by staring at the light too long, Chad missed the materialising Rias Gremory come to answer the summoning.

"So you have called me… Oh my, you do seem to be in trouble." Expanding her devil wings and taking out a chess piece, "In that case, I can help… If you live on for me."

Placing the chess pieces in the boy's chest, Rias began the ritual.

"Who the fuck's there!" Noticing the new voice, Chad started swinging thinking another Fallen had come for round 2, "I know who you are! Who are ya?!?"

Startled by the sudden bellow, Rias snapped her eyes towards the source of the commotion.

What she saw was an injured Fallen Angel crawling towards the treeline and a hulking mass flailing with his eyes closed like a spastic in a magnet factory.

"SENSEI!?"

******************************

Ψ: This one took a little longer than usual.

Φ: Couldn’t be helped, was bladdered!

Ψ: Yup, we had to celebrate the end of pride month!

Φ: WOAH! Not cool man, you know they’re sensitive.

Ψ: WELL THE WHINY POOFTERS CAN KISS M—

Φ: *Muffles Ψ’s voice.

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