January 20, 2021: Saudade

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[[ I keep on loathing myself for the fact that my love for you continues to grow each passing day. The fact that my eyes cannot help but always search for you in the crowd. The fact that when I am missing you, I hug my own body to feel your touch that still lingers, woefully so. I constantly yearn for your voice that gives me solace whenever my mind is in chaos, weary of the myriad of vexing thoughts that I ponder on without fail.

Sometimes, I do wonder if I am solely in a fantasy with this strong desire to not make it a reality.

For I am your Aurora who never woke up. I am your Cinderella who left no shoe on the stairway at midnight. I am your Ariel who was eternally cursed, forbidden to walk on land.

Your love was my salvation, one that is everlasting. However, I was always grieving by your side. You gave me wounds that dug too deep in my heart, eventually turning into indelible scars.

The ache, it permeated my whole being. 

I simply wanted to hold on, but your hand held on to another. I simply wanted for you to look at me, but your attention was taken by an even more candescent blossom. I had no chance, seeing that I was a mere thorn in your garden full of roses and bougainvillea.

I simply wanted to love you, but the pain murdered this affection over and over. 

No, it was not the pain of failing to receive your devotion, just the insecurity that is slowly eating up my sanity. 

A soul brimming with crud, hosted by a dirt poor existence, I would not dare offer myself up to you who became the beacon in my godforsaken journey to better myself.

I longed to condemn you for being a coward. A coward for depriving me of your love when you awakened mine. I hoped to someday enact revenge that will do justice to my suffering.

In spite of having that thought, I was afraid of inflicting the same pain you made me endure. I know firsthand how difficult it was to mourn all by yourself, anxious and in misery.

I am writing this letter to you as a gamble, to ask for a favor using your pity towards me. If there is even a small room for me in your heart, I implore you to heed my last wish.

I have a clear grasp of your nature, my love. That alone will let me apprehend that you are wallowing in guilt, abhorring the you who committed those transgressions. In defiance of all the odds, I am willing to go with you and bear half of your burden.

Surrender yourself, confess your sins and atone for them in confinement. Please, I beg of you. We cannot compensate anymore for the victims' grief. Wherefore, let's free the shackles of those innocent people who were not supposed to be involved.

This time, I will make sure to save you. We will walk together on your heavily laden path.

I will await your response, no matter how long it takes.

Yours truly, Ilya ]]

Inside the dusky room, only the moonlight filtering through the towering windows served to illuminate a man who was seated at the edge of a bed.

One, 

Then two, 

And several more teardrops landed on the piece of paper in the man's grip, leaving blotches that carried and spread the black ink throughout the sheet. With his other hand, he gently traced the words formed by the hands of the distraught woman, the emotion being evident in her disheveled script.

"Ilya, my dear Ilya..."

Choked up in tears, his voice trembled as he called her name out.

"Too late, it's too late. llya is no longer..."

-----

A groan was heard within the walls of a tiny apartment. It came from the lady who was incessantly stirring in her sleep.

Fluttering her eyes open, Syn gasped for air. She brought her hands to her cheeks and felt that they were wet with tears.

'What was that dream? Who was that man?'

She curled up her body and buried her head on top of her shaken knees.

'Ilya, my forgotten name. I never would have thought that I'd hear someone cry out that name with a frightful sorrow.'

Syn gripped the thin edges of the blanket till her knuckles turned white, mulling deep in her thoughts.

'No, no, no, I'm having none of this bullsh*t. I don't want to hear that damnable name again!'

She remained in that position for quite a while, repeatedly lamenting about the inconspicuous dream. No sooner than a minute, sleep visited her for the second time.

~~~~~~~~~

It was ten in the morning and Syn had yet to get up from her bed. She lowered her phone on the pillow, ignoring all the text messages that it had racked up.

'This is bad, I slept in. Now my migraine is killing me. I can't even feel my legs.' Syn sighed out of exhaustion though having exerted no effort to move her body.

'Why is it that my condition seems to be worsening? The medicines are not fulfilling their purposes properly. Since I have to visit the hospital today, might as well get checked. I won't really be of much help if I decide to work. To heck with this. It's almost always like this. I cannot do sh*t with this body.'

It was a good thing that the heater in her room worked perfectly fine at the max setting, else she would be suffering both from body ache and the cold.

Anchoring herself with her elbows, she forced her whole body to a sitting position. Although, she stopped midway upon recalling the events that transpired yesterday between her and Tristan, resulting in the woman sinking further down the mattress.

She covered her eyes with one arm and reflected on her moment of weakness. It wasn't like her to behave as such in the presence of somebody else.

'I shouldn't have spouted that nonsense in front of Tristan. I ought to apologize for giving him all that trouble. He was kind enough to indulge my tantrums that came out of nowhere.'

Syn sighed after sensing how burnout her person was. It was the usual, but she's slowly getting tired of it.

'Well, as if staying in bed all day will give me any results. I need to get running.'