Kylo's Story, Part 13 - Family

"Weren't you paying attention?" Finn says to me with a mouthful of food. We're at the dining hall sitting at one of the long tables. Rey is beside me and Finn is across from us. "Basically," he says, "we destroy the Meth Star then lure Snoke to the catacombs somehow."

"How?" I ask.

Finn shrugs.

"How about," Rey says, raising an eyebrow. "We tell him that the red light saber is in the catacombs. He'll want to get to it."

Finn dismisses her idea with a wave of his hand. "That's not a good idea-"

I glare at him and he stops talking.

"You're right Finn," Rey nods. "He'll just send an army to come get it and won't come himself. Plus the Resistance Base is here."

"Does Snoke still..." Finn says to me, waving his hand around his ear. "You know... control your mind?"

"No," I say.

Rey leans against my arm and hugs it, her chest pressing into my bicep. I get more than a few glances from around the table, which is filled with guys. I pretend not to notice but can't help the small grin on my face.

BB-8 beeps from the floor on my other side. "You could tell Snoke that he's the only one that can get the sword out, because it's his." I rest my hand on her head. She's a smart droid. No one else is listening to her. I gently pull my arm out from Rey's grasp and go get another chair from the next table then set it beside me. I lift BB-8 onto it. Now she can see us. Her head moves back and forth looking around the table. "Thank you," she beeps.

"Hey BB-8, give me five!" Finn says, reaching out his hand. She opens one of her compartments and extends a tiny multi-utility tool with a small screw driver, bottle opener, scissors and pliers. Rey laughs.

"Pardon the interruption." A Resistance officer stops at our table. "Miss," he nods to Rey. "The visitor pods will be landing soon and the guests will gather in the Amphitheater. If you're expecting someone-"

"Visitor pods?" Finn asks.

The officer looks to me then Rey. "Yes, well," he clears his throat. "The General brings over family members to the base before everyone goes out on an important mission."

Finn frowns.

"Do they come to help us with the battle?" BB-8 beeps.

"No," I tell her. "Thank you," I nod to the officer and he leaves.

Rey sets down her half eaten sandwich. "Excuse me," she says softly, pushing out her chair and getting up. She runs off. Finn stands up quickly too as though he wants to run after her, but he stops and looks at me first.

"Go ahead," I sigh, and he runs off too.

The food sits heavy in my stomach. I've been avoiding having a talk with my mom, but it's time I did. I get up and BB-8 beeps.

"Wait!" 

I lift her off the seat and set her on the marble floor.

"You go find Finn and Rey," I tell her. "And make sure he doesn't kiss her."

BB-8 gives me a questioning beep which I ignore. 

"Go ahead."

Her ball rolls in one place on the marble floor for a second then catches some traction and she whisks away. I'll have to talk to someone about getting her some traction tape or rubber detailing for her body to help her get around better.

The dining hall is almost empty now. Everyone must have gone to the amphitheater to await their family members. I head for the Base Headquarters office, where my mom will most likely be, trying not to think about how Rey's parents left her and how she's waited so long for them and they never came back. I imagine that's why she became upset when the officer told us about the family members arriving. I start walking faster. After I talk to my mom I'll go find her and see how she's doing.

I find Mom sitting at the large conference table in the empty Headquarters office. She has some papers in front of her but she's not reading them. Her elbow rests on the table with her forehead in her hand. She hasn't noticed me yet. I stop to look at her.

Pride swells in my chest. She's the commander of this whole fleet of officers and Resistance fighters. But she carries this burden all alone. I want to help her. I can lead an army. I know how to go into battle and win. I've never been afraid to be on the front lines, unlike Hux, who always stayed on base to watch from a safe distance while others fought his battles for him.

Mom lifts her head and looks up. "Ben?" She straightens her shoulders. "Come have a seat." Her eyes are red, as though she's been crying and she looks tired.

I take a seat close to her, but not right beside her. Mom gathers her papers and sets them aside.

"How are you and Rey doing?" she asks.

I open my mouth to answer but nothing comes out.

"I know you're both Force sensitive," she continues. "And I know what that means as far as relationships go." She looks me in the eyes. "But I've never seen you so in love, so changed by someone."

Now I just want to leave, but that would be rude, so I slouch down in my seat instead.

"When it's a love that's destined to be," she continues, "there's always a way."

I think of dad and a lump forms in my throat. "Do you miss dad?"

"I'm well practiced in missing him," she says, giving me a sad smile. "He visited me in a dream last night." She looks into the distance but doesn't continue. The hum of the overhead ventilation drones on as we sit in silence.

"Mom? I say. "Why don't you ever use your Force powers?"

Mom sighs and sits back in her seat. "I never trained to be a Jedi. I planned to but then I got pregnant with you. Suddenly fighting wars and intergalactic battles didn't seem all that important anymore. All I cared about was having a healthy baby. Then you were born..."

Mom takes a deep breath, then continues. "I loved you so much... A mother's love is the greatest force in the Universe. I believe that." She nods, pausing a moment as though she's finding it difficult to continue. "I had my Force powers back then, just untrained. My Force sensitivities became heightened after you were born, like it was a protection instinct for my new born son. I..." Mom swallows and I wait for her to continue. Her obvious pain at telling me this makes me frown.

"Well," she says, "let's just say I killed one of your nurses by accident, or I suppose it was on purpose at the time of my anger. And you almost got hurt in the process. I'd never done anything like that before." She stops to take a breath. "I was fiercely overprotective and it was becoming dangerous. I went to talk to your Uncle Luke and he explained about attachments and why they were forbidden for Jedi's, or those who were strongly Force sensitive. Your grandfather..." She stops and looks down at the table. "He had attachments, loved ones. It was because of this, because he wanted to protect them, that he went mad with the power of the Force." She shakes her head. "Perhaps mad isn't the right word for it."

"So you... turned off your Force sensitivity?" I ask. My heart races. Could such a thing be possible? What could that mean for Rey and me?

"Not exactly, but yes." Mom nods. "I went with Luke to the temple on Coruscant and the Jedi Masters there reflected on my situation. They agreed to put an incantation over me that would bind my Force sensitivity to a mantra. I had no access to the Force after the incantation was put on me, other than my connection with you, my Force sensitive child. And I never will, until the incantation is lifted."

"How can it be lifted?" I ask. 

"Only by chanting the same mantra three times. The only person who knows the chant in your Uncle and we still haven't found him. But I don't intend to open that door to Force sensitivity any time soon."

She stops talking and we sit in silence for a while. The smooth surface of the table feels cool on my palms. I still haven't said anything about why I came here to talk to her. It doesn't seem like the right time now. But when will it ever?

"Why did you send me away?" I say before I can change my mind.

"To train with your Uncle Luke..." she stops. I keep my eyes focused on the table. "Ben... I missed you terribly."

I clench my jaw.

Mom sits up in her chair. "It hurt so much to see you struggle in school," she says. "I didn't know what else to do."

"I didn't want to leave."

"I know, but your Uncle Luke thought it would be best... I'm sorry Ben. I should have never sent you away when you needed us the most."

My eyes burn, my throat burns. It's all too much. I get up from my chair and leave.