-twenty-three

"Jenna?" my voice was a little above a whisper when she answered my call.

"Yeah? You okay? I forgot something?"

"Yeah." My eyes dropped to the book. "Something really important. Please come over, now."

I shut my eyes the moment she ended the call. What the hell was this. My eyes opened again. Looking at the pictures, the words scribbled on the journal in my hands, I didn't know what to do.

I shouldn't have opened it. I should've respected her privacy, but if I didn't, I wouldn't have known. I wouldn't have ever known that Jenna could be so- so.... slutty. I never would've known she could do such things with such people.... in front of a fucking camera! I-

"Hey, what's up?"

I looked up at Jenna's voice. She approached me but halted some seconds later.

"Shit," She whispered with her face pale already.

"Yeah. You left something really important."

"What are- how did you- why?"

She couldn't even complete a statement without making it a stuttering mess. That's how nervous she was.

"You left it here." My voice was hard. "I thought it'll only be the right thing to return it to you."

"I- I, oh Lord." Jenna shoved her hand into her hair as she turned away.

I shut my eyes for a second. This was enough beating around the bush. I decided to take the bull by the horns. "Jenna, why are you naked in these photos, sleeping with different men? In threesomes," I pulled out the next photograph, "foursomes," then the next, "giving hand jobs and even blow jobs to different guys."

Jenna was quiet. Her eyes kept flickering from mine to the journal and back. My eyes fell to one of the photos. I bent over to pick it up. It was Jenna alright, with a man. The same man in most of the pictures, sipping alcohol. She looked happy, really happy. She was in a black lingerie and he was probably naked but covered with the white sheets.

My eyes rose to my best friend. "Jenna, what's the meaning of all this?"

She scrambled to where I was and grabbed the journal. "Did you read it?"

I shook my head. Thank God I didn't because who knows what I would've found.

She let out a breath of relief and hugged it to her chest. "You shouldn't have opened it. It wasn't yours to open."

I scoffed at her pathetic attempt at turning the tables around. "That doesn't frickin answer why you're in such compromising positions in these photos," I shuffled the ones in my hands, "and why you carry them around."

Her eyes fell to her feet. "They're really important to me."

"Really?" My eyes widened. "Fuck Jenna, you're cheating on Ed." I shook my head. "This is it right? The reason you and Ed are having problems. He found out you're cheating and-."

"I didn't cheat on Ed. These are from before I met him. And- and even you!"

I shook my head at the absurdity of the situation. She sure could be problematic when she wanted to. "So then why do you have these? I don't think any sane person would enjoy carrying pornographic photographs of themselves around."

This was really stupid. And it was getting even stupider because she wasn't saying anything tangible.

"Fuck, Jenna. Why would you even agree to take these pictures?"

"It was fun then okay! I enjoyed it. We all did. Especially when we were stoned off our asses. And besides I sold them to some pornographic company." She dismissed her statement with a nonchalant hand wave.

My voice gained an octave at that. "What?"

"I was still a prostitute back then. I liked it. The thought of different guys seeing me on the sites and the pay was good. I don't know. I wasn't thinking straight then." Her eyes rose to mine. "What's it to you anyway?"

"What's it to me?" I chuckled humorlessly at her question. "I think I have every right to know if my best friend is some psychotic nymphomaniac."

"I'm not a nymphomaniac." she glared at me. "It's just, these photos hold a lot of meaning to me. Whenever I see myself there, I- I realize how bad of a person I was and how I need to change. Call me a psychopath but this is my motivation to be a better me. To be a better person." Her eyes fell. "To be a wife and mother if I ever get the chance."

It took a few seconds for what she said to completely register and when it did, I shut my eyes. The second I opened them back, I saw just how fragile she was. So this is what she'd been going through all alone. My chest tightened. "Oh, Jenna." I shook my head. I didn't know she was in so deep in all this nonsense. "I'm sorry." I handed her the photos in my hand. "I shouldn't have opened it."

She nodded.

"And you shouldn't be carrying them around. Keep it in a safe or something. Who's he?" I nodded to the guy in the photo I was still holding.

Her eyes dropped to my hand. "Oh. That's Harry, a friend."

My eyebrows shot up. "A friend."

"He stopped coming around when he- uh," she licked her lips, "when he got married."

I held Jenna's hand when she moved to start gathering the photographs around. "You're telling me the truth, right Jenna?"

Her eyes met mine. "I swear it on my life, I am."

I nodded.

"Uh- thanks for," Jenna rubbed her lips together after I'd handed her the photos I picked, "for everything. I need to get going. Ed might get-," her eyes dropped to her phone in her hand when the sound of her ringtone filled the air, "worried."

I smiled as she answered his call.

"Hey," she said into the phone.

"Hey." It was when I heard Ed's voice, I realized it was on speakerphone. Ed's accent sounded regal on other end of the line. "Haven't seen you all day."

"Yeah. I'm with Roxy."

"I didn't mean it."

There was a pause. Jenna didn't speak for some seconds. "I know." She swallowed. "But it doesn't mean you didn't say it."

"I won't ever leave you. You know that?"

"This isn't your fault, Ed. I know it isn't exactly easy being with someone like me."

"I love you," he said after a lengthy pause.

Jenna wiped her eyes. "I love you even more. If only you know."

"I want everything, Jenna. Your past, your present and your future." There was a pause. "And I'm sorry."

She shook her head a little. "For what?"

"Being a dickhead."

Jenna smiled.

"And I've got a way to make it up to you. It's going to be exotic."

"Hmm." Jenna couldn't hide her smile. "I'll be there."

"Good."

"You better be on your way," I said when she terminated the call. "I'm going to need all of the details of the hot chocolate sex tomorrow."

I fell to my bed after Jenna left. It was only when she was gone, I realized how free I was going to be. There was nothing left to do than to think. Think about Jenna. Think about last night and about the photos. It was still so shocking that Jenna was actually in them. I knew she was going through a lot. I knew she was trying to vent out and clear her head. I knew it was just her rebel years and phase but pornography?

I ran exhausted fingers through my hair before lying down completely. The world was so unfair. Fate and karma were actually just as fucked up as fucked up could get.

I turned and shifted on the bed so I was facing the table. The brown paper bag stayed still, sitting on the table. Jenna forgot to get me to eat. My nose scrunched up at the thought of eating food. After everything that Eric shoved in my mouth, food was the last thing on my mind.

At the mention of his name, my mind went back to Eric. I winced immediately. It was just like fucking reverse psychology. The more I willed myself to not think about him, the more his face crossed my mind.

I curled myself up into a ball and let the tears flow. He didn't have to rape me. He didn't have to come home stoned. And I didn't have to bring the break-up up when I saw the state he was in.

Maybe this was all my fault.

Maybe-.

I shut my eyes.

Who the fuck was I kidding? Of course it was his. He should've never taken advantage of me no matter what state he was in or what state I was in. My chest tightened a bit at the memory of Eric's hand on my-.

I blinked at the sound of my phone ringing. Crawling out of bed, I picked it up from the table. It was a text message.

~

I know I shouldn't be texting you, dollface, but I'm really sorry. I'm a piece of shit. You can report me. I don't care. I'll face the consequences. All I do care about is you.

I love you.

I know I also shouldn't be jumbling up your thoughts by saying that but it's the truth. All I've ever wanted is to love you. I didn't bother calling because I know the last thing you'd want to hear is my voice. Please Roxy, forgive me. Maybe then, I will be able to forgive myself.

I know you're probably going to ignore this message but that's okay. At least I know you got to know what I was feeling. You deserve better but that doesn't mean I will stop fighting for you. In matters of love, selfishness and cynicism are fundamental.

I love you, dollface. Don't you ever forget that. No matter what happens.

~

My eyes scanned the message again. And again. And again, and when I was sure I had actually read every word and wasn't imagining it, my brows furrowed.

How self centered could he be? Texting me after everything he'd done?

The sound of shattering glass filled the air as my phone hit the ground face first.

************************

-C.