-seventeen

"Why?"

Jenna blinked.

"Why do you hate Eric so much?"

Just like every other time I'd asked Jenna this question, she muttered some curse word and turned away.

"Did Eric do something to you?"

She met my eyes with disbelief.

"Did something happen that I should know about?"

"For Christ's sake, Roxy." Jenna's eyes went wide at the implication of my questions. "Just like that? You really think I have something with Eric?"

"I'm running out of options here. And you're not exactly forthcoming with an explanation."

"We're here," the taxi driver announced.

With a scowl plastered on her face, Jenna scoffed as she slammed the door shut.

I knew Jenna. Really well. I knew when she was happy, sad, angry and even desperate. I knew when she was hiding something. And I knew for a fact, she was definitely choosing to be quiet about something I should've known.

After taking a long shower, I laid down on the bed with Eric's picture in my hand. Everything in my life was spiralling down. And what was worse? I didn't know what I wanted. I loved him but I also wanted to leave and never look back. I wanted to wake up next to him but I also wanted my own space. I wanted to kiss him, make love to him but I also wanted to detoxify and get him out of my system.

Everything was messed up. Even more so my head because it kept drifting back to certain moments in time.

***

"No. You're beautiful," he smirked as he lay on top of me, making sure to support himself with his elbows. We were under the white sheets.

"Really?" My voice was tender as a whisper as my fingers played with his silky soft hair. I didn't want to break the moment.

"Yes and I will always love you. Don't you forget that." He was close. So close, I could taste his minty breath.

He closed the distance between us fast.

***

It was only when I ran my hands over my face that I felt wetness on my cheeks.

***

"Breakfast?" he turned with a lopsided grin. He knew I had a hopeless fetish for him putting on an apron without having a shirt on. Only reason why he did it every morning.

Smiling, I pushed myself off the wall and walked to him as seductively as his shirt I had on would let me. "You want me to tell you what I've imagined for breakfast?" He stiffened as I trailed kisses down his back. Good to know I still had that effect on him.

One second I was behind him and the next, I was pushed up against the wall with my hands around his neck, legs around his torso and the biggest grin on my lips.

"I'm all ears." His harsh breaths tickled my ears.

"You."

***

I turned away from the kitchen and stared at the bed. Our bed.

***

"Roxy? Shit!"

I saw him run his fingers through his curly, brown locks. I should have been the one doing that if I wasn't tied to this bed.

"You didn't have breakfast?" he was already by my side.

"Not hungry."

I had a terrible fever and I had been burning up but I wasn't about to admit it, at least not yet.

"Dollface," his woodsy smell engulfed me as he placed a feather light kiss on my temple, "you're going to have to eat," he said while removing loose strands of hair from my face.

"No." I pushed his hand away. "I'm not hungry."

"Dollface, look at me." I managed to turn to him. "Do you wanna go to the hospital?"

I shook my head as much as I could. In the hospital, the nurses wouldn't take care of me as much as Eric would.

"Then you're gonna have to eat. I love you." He pecked me on the lips and gently helped me up. He took the bowl of hot soup from the table and his eyes met mine again.

***

The sound of honks stole my attention and I turned to the window. The main road stared right back at me.

***

"What the hell do you think you're talking about?" his voice boomed like he wasn't standing next to me. I couldn't believe we ended up fighting under the rain. It was almost midnight.

"You liking other women. I'm not stupid." I pushed him, trying to hide the tears from my voice.

"Cheating on you?" he asked. "Thats- that's what this is about?"

"You bastard! Stop making me look foolish!" I lunged at him and pounded on his chest. The tears slipping from my eyes washed down my face with the rain.

"Hey!" he yelled and held my hands. I forgot he was so strong. "Hey," his voice softened, "do you really think that?"

My eyes went to the water slipping into the culverts instead of his face.

"Come on, dollface, look at me."

When my eyes remained fixed on the road, he shifted my chin so I was looking at him. "Toni's not half the woman you are."

I looked away again.

"She's someone's girlfriend, Roxy."

Like that ever stopped anyone.

"I'd never cheat on you, dollface. You should know that by now. You should know me by now."

I swallowed and let my tears flow with the rain as I closed my eyes shut.

"I'm sorry I made you feel that way," he said and I felt his arms around me. He pulled me so I was leaning on his chest.

"It's just the way you looked at her and-." I broke down and vibrated as the sobs escaped me. "I'm sorry."

"Shush, Roxy." He gently ran his hand through my wet, sticky hair. "I love you and that's all that matters."

I pulled away from his embrace. "Let's go in. It's really cold out."

Eric and I dumped our wet shoes outside of his apartment. I turned to look at him when I got in but he was already looking at me. A sly smirk crept up my lips. We were both thinking the same thing.

His bedroom door closed with a loud thud and in a split second my body was pressed against it.

"I wanna fuck you, Eric."

I pushed him to the bed and climbed over him. His eyes remained fixed on me.

"I wanna fuck you to the moon and back."

I was in nothing but my sport's bra when I leaned in. I would never forget it, the way he stared at me. It was like I was some goddess straight out of his fantasies. That was the first time we made love in his apartment.

***

I slipped to the ground with both knees clasped together and my butt planted to the ground. It had never been clearer to me. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want him to leave.

***

"Roxy!"

My eyes picked up his voice very faintly. Despite my blurred vision, I could still somewhat make out his figure. My guess was he'd already seen the magic powder on the table and the pills scattered around everywhere. He already knew what was happening because he ran to me and in no time, I was in the shower.

"Shit, Roxy. What did you do?" he mumbled as he dropped me and fiddled with the shower controls.

I felt numb. I wanted to feel numb. To stop all of the pain. To not be able to think for a second. To just lay there lifeless. Happy but lifeless. It was the only way I could forget everything. The only way I could forget them.

A wave of shivers slapped me as the ice cold water ran down my skin. With Eric's constant shaking, I was back to reality in no time.

"Tell me something." Even though I didn't see it, I knew his eyes were trained on me. "What the hell were you thinking?" I turned to him when he paused. "Cocaine isn't something you play with and you know that."

There was sadness and worse, disappointment in his eyes.

Tears now freely left my eyes as my teeth clattered together quietly in the cold. "I'm sorry."

Eric hands went round me. He felt warm in contrast with the cold water.

"I just want them back." The numbness had faded away and so had the euphoria. Now, I could feel. I could feel again. All of it. All of what I didn't want to feel. "I want my parents back." I slammed my face in his chest and vibrated with wails and shivers.

"Everything's gonna be alright, Roxy." He drew circles on my back. "I'm here now."

"I wanna die. I wanna die if they're not coming back."

"We're gonna get through this, just like we have gotten through everything else." Eric held me closer and tighter as I cried into his chest.

***

The bathroom cabinet closed with a quiet thud. My eyes fell to the diazepam pill bottle as three tablets fell on my left palm. Morning came sooner than I wanted. My body ached all over and the pounding in my head screamed exhaustion and too much crying.

Gulping some water down, I threw some Aspirin into my mouth and sat by the coffee machine. My eyes went from my cup of coffee to my phone across from me when I heard my ringtone.

Jenna's name illuminated my screen.

*************

-C.