49. The first cut is the deepest

X~~~X

Kate climbed out of the Crown Vic that Cramer had parked in front of a brownstone down in the Village. They had been called in for a triple homicide just when Kate had arrived at the precinct after dropping Jamie off at the loft and Kate didn't even get the chance to get to the small desk she had been assigned before Cramer and Clasterfield had told her to follow them.

A neighbor had called the police an hour ago after she had heard gunshots coming from the house next door and the uniforms arriving first on the scene had found three dead bodies up in the attic making it an official Homicide investigation.

To Kate's surprise the detectives didn't tell her to canvas the area nor assigned her to any other of her usual ground work.

Instead Cramer told her to stay close when they passed the uniform guarding the front door and entered the house.

Beckett didn't question his request, just followed them inside and up the stairs, passing a CSU team member who looked shocked and pale. The woman nodded at the trio, something sad in her eyes and Beckett wondered what they would find upstairs.

They reached the second floor from where a narrow staircase led them up to the attic, passing a line of pictures showing a little girl and a woman who Kate suspected was her mother. How could something as horrible as a murder take place in a house that seemed to be such a lovely home, she wondered.

"Beckett?" she heard a familiar voice calling out to her when she reached the top of the stairs and turned to find Lanie standing to her right.

"Hey," Kate turned, realizing that Lanie, just as the woman from ICU, looked shaken. "What do we have?"

Lanie shook her head, stepping over to the trio and glancing in the direction of Perlmutter who was working on a body. "Three victims," she told them, "multiple gunshot wounds to the chest and head." She swallowed, blinking down at her notes, "one of the victims is a five to six-year-old girl."

"Shit," Cramer got out between clenched teeth, while Kate swallowed hard.

"A kid?" She asked, her voice trembling and Lanie gave her a sad nod. "The one from the pictures downstairs?"

Lanie nodded again, "Perlmutter might be able to tell you more about TOD. If you'll excuse me, I have to get something from the van," she nodded at them and climbed down the stairs in desperate need of fresh air.

On shaky legs Beckett followed the two detectives further in the room, spotting first the two dead bodies that the M.E. was currently examining.

"What have we got?" Cramer asked, crouching down next to the M.E. to have a closer look at the two dead men.

Perlmutter filled him in on what little he had established since he'd arrived but Kate wasn't listening, her gaze locked on the white sheet that covered a much smaller body in the furthest corner of the room. She made her way over, kneeling down and then with shaky hands drew back the sheet.

She gulped, tears springing to her eyes which she furiously tried to wipe away. The little girl looked almost peaceful as if she was only sleeping and would wake any minute, her golden curls framing her beautiful face, her body still warm.

"Her mother is here," Lanie informed them coming back up the stairs and into the room and Clasterfield and Cramer exchanged a worried look. Talking to the victims' families was never easy but it was always the hardest when children were involved.

"I'll go talk to her," Kate stated into the silence, not really sure where her courage came from, but she felt like she owed it to the little girl.

"Beckett you've never done that before," Clasterfield shook his head. "You shouldn't."

She stepped closer, determination shining in her eyes, "I'm a mother and I know what it feels like to lose someone you love, I can do this."

Clasterfield looked at her, his expression unreadable. He knew about her mother's case, most of the detectives and officers at the 12th did and she had a point.

"What do you think?" he looked at his partner.

Cramer studied Beckett for a moment, "You sure?"

"Yes."

"Okay," he nodded. "Go talk to her."

Lanie handed her two Polaroid shots of the two dead men in the attic and then led Beckett and Detective Cramer down the stairs to bring them to the girl's mother.

"Mrs. Turner, I am Officer Kate Beckett," Kate sat down next to the shaking woman, while Cramer took a seat in the corner of the living room to observe and step in if needed.

"What happened here? Where is my baby? Why isn't she at the daycare center," the woman sobbed, grabbing one of Kate's hands.

"I'm very sorry Mrs. Turner," Kate started, moving closer to the woman, knowing that nothing she would say or do could take away the pain the woman at her side would feel for the rest of her life.

"Oh God no!" Mrs. Turner's cry sounded through the living room, like a stab to the hearts of everyone who could hear it, "God not Ella. Please no. What happened?"

"I'm sorry," Kate mumbled and held onto the woman's hand as she sobbed at her side.

Kate could make out some whys and whos in between and she wished she could give the woman the answers and the closure she deserved.

"I promise you we will find whoever did this to Ella." Kate said after a moment, her voice soft and steady. "Is there anyone we can call for you? Your husband?"

Mrs. Turner shook her head, "It's just me and Ella."

"A friend?" Kate suggested and Mrs. Turner nodded as she slowly calmed down, though Kate knew it was only the calm before the storm, the mind denying the truth to prevent the body from shutting down completely. Survival Mode Kate had called it after her mother died.

"My friend Georgia," she said and pulled out her phone, but Kate took it from her.

"Detective Cramer will call her for you," she said gently and Cramer took the phone without objection.

Kate didn't feel the desire to press Mrs. Turner for more answers, but she knew it was necessary, the longer they waited the colder any possible lead would get, so she pulled out the two Polaroid shots Lanie had handed her.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Turner, but I have to ask you, do you know any of these men?" Another gasp escaped the woman's lungs and she pointed at one of the pictures.

"Mitch," she exclaimed, a sob following the name.

"Who is Mitch?" Kate asked gently, putting the pictures away.

"My brother."

Kate managed to get all the answers they would need to get started before Mrs. Turner's friend Georgia appeared and sat with her in the living room, holding the grieving woman in her arms.

Kate had established that Mrs. Turner had dropped Ella off at the daycare center in the morning, so one of their first moves would be to establish who had picked Ella up and brought her here, although Beckett had a very good idea who that person might have been. The big question was why?

Before she left, Kate squeezed Mrs. Turner's shoulder, "We'll find who did this, I promise," she said and then turned to join Cramer and Clasterfield, knowing there was nothing else for her to do here. Nothing to ease the pain, nothing would ever be okay again in this woman's world.

"That was good, Beckett," Cramer patted her awkwardly on the shoulder as she exited the living room, "but never promise them you'll find the bastards."

"I will," she told him with determination, before excusing herself and rushing past him out of the house.

She made it into the next alley, leaning heavyly against the brick wall before slowly sliding down and letting the tears fall. She cried, for the little girl up there in the attic who would never get to grow up and see all the wonderful things this world held in store, cried for the girl's mother who would never hear her little girl laugh again, would never see her grow up, graduate, fall in love and she cried for the loss of her own mother.

"Hey girl," Lanie's soft voice reached her and she felt her slide down next to her, "it's hard, isn't it?"

Kate could hear the tears in Lanie's voice and simply nodded and so they sat there for a while, neither talking, just crying in silence until it was time to return.

Lanie stood up first, holding out her hand and pulling Kate up to her feet, "You okay?" she asked.

Kate shook her head and Lanie smiled weakly at her, "Me neither."

They looked at each other and then moved into each others' arms, holding on tight for a moment, giving each other the strength they needed to go back and do their jobs.

The weekend went by with Jamie staying with Castle and Alexis while Beckett worked night and day to keep her promise and find whoever took Ella's life. It gnawed on her, didn't let her sleep when she got the chance to lay down for a couple of hours in the precinct's break room. She kept staring at the ceiling unwilling to bring those dark thoughts home to an empty apartment or worse to the loft where her daughter was safe and sound with Castle.

Kate longed for a good night's rest, wanted to wrap her daughter in her arms, never let go and just forget about that small, cold little body they had found in the attic with no clue how Ella, her uncle and the second man that they had identified as Chris Everton, a local drug dealer, had ended up there. But she couldn't, she couldn't go home before this was over or she would break. She knew she couldn't face Jamie, Alexis or Castle without losing the last bit of stamina that kept her going. She had made a promise. She needed to keep it.

Of course Castle sensed that something was wrong, he could tell by the way she tried to keep their talks over the phone short and Kate knew he was worried. She just hoped he wouldn't show up to check on her, she wasn't sure she would be able to handle it.

Monday morning she found him sitting in the bullpen two coffees in his hands and if she wasn't so damn tired and her defences way too low to deal with his thoughtfulness she would have kissed him, because she really could use that coffee.

"Castle, what are you doing here?" She asked instead, sounding more clipped than she had intended to.

"I wanted to see you," he said getting up from the chair he had been sitting in, "We haven't seen you in days and I just wanted to make sure you're alright and ask how the case is going. You didn't tell me anything about it." He sounded disappointed.

"I'm fine," she muttered, totally ignoring his question about the case, she couldn't talk about with him. Not now.

One look at her told him though that she was lying, the dark circles under her eyes, the paleness of her skin, she looked anything but fine, as a matter of fact she looked like shit.

"You're not fine," he protested, stepping closer to her, but she held up a hand to stop him.

"Don't Castle, I can't do this right now," she warned him.

"The girls miss you," he told her nevertheless, "I miss you. When will you be home? It's been days."

She had to swallow down the lump in her throat, she missed them too, God how she missed all three of them, but she couldn't go home, not with the killer of that little girl still on the loose, because she knew she might not come back and that was not acceptable. The little girl down in the morgue needed her.

"I can't come home right now, they need me here," she told him.

He didn't come here to start an argument and he did understand how important this was but …

"Jamie needs you too. She's never been without you for so long," he said, his voice firm and he swallowed down the need to tell her he might need her just as much. He really missed her.

"I know that," she replied defensively.

"Then why don't you come home for a couple of hours. Kate, you look exhausted," his voice softened.

"I can't, I just can't."

"Kate," he tried again, but she shook her head and he resigned, letting his head hang down, "okay whatever," he mumbled and she knew he was disappointed, maybe even a bit angry and she couldn't blame him, "at least take the coffee," he said, holding it out for her to take.

She reached out, taking the offered beverage from his hand and their fingers brushed lightly, but she bit down the emotions that welled up in her. Later, she told herself. She could deal with him later when this was over.

He gave her a tight nod, "Come home when you can," he said and turned to leave, was already a few feet away when her voice called out to him, making him stop, "Castle!"

He turned, hopeful eyes finding hers, "Thanks for the coffee," she told him just loud enough so he could hear it.

"Always," he told her sincerely, his gaze holding hers before he turned and left her to finish what she had to, so she could come home to them.

Castle woke in the middle of the night, needing a second to realize what had interrupted his sleep. When he heard Jamie cry he was out of bed and sprinting up the stairs.

"Hey, hey," he soothed before he had even reached her bedside. "Daddy's here."

"Mommy," Jamie cried, flinging her small arms around her father's neck. "I want Mommy."

"Baby Bird, I know," Castle sighed, pulling his daughter into his lap. "I know."

"I want Mommy," Jamie sobbed again and Castle had no idea what to do.

"Mommy has to work, Baby," he tried to reason with her, "She can't come home right now."

"Mommy," Jamie sobbed again, her tears soaking through his shirt.

"Hey," he let his fingers run through her curls, "you want to come down and stay with me tonight?"

He felt her nod against his neck and stood up with Jamie in his arms, "Okay, then let's go. It's way too late for you to be up."

Stepping out into the hallway he ran straight into Alexis who was rubbing her eyes and then blinking up at her dad and sister.

"Daddy? What's going on?" she asked, casting a worried look at her still sobbing sister.

"Did we wake you? Jamie can't sleep," he tried to play it down, knowing Alexis missed Kate as well, but he wasn't sure he could handle another sobbing child right now, "She's staying with me tonight."

"Oh," Alexis nodded and was about to return to her room, when Castle reached for her arm.

"You wanna come too?" He asked. Alexis face lit up and she quickly slipped her hand into her Dad's as he started for the stairs.

Castle had them settled in ten minutes later, Jamie to his right, Alexis to his left and kissing them both good night for the second time, he hoped that they all would be able to sleep without any further interruptions. He also knew he had to talk to Kate again, she needed to come home at least for a couple of hours. She couldn't just disappear on them for days and this needed to stop before it became a habit. He would talk to her tomorrow and this time he wouldn't take no for an answer.

They were getting nowhere, another day of dead ends and no new leads in sight and it was frustrating.

Kate had been staring at the murder board for the better part of an hour but nothing had popped so far. They had to be missing something, she was sure about that. One tiny piece they overlooked and she practically was willing the murder board to give that piece of information away, yet it kept annoyingly silent.

She sighed, closing her eyes for a moment, her fingers pinching the bridge of her nose as she tried to gather her thoughts. Cramer and Clasterfield had gone home twenty minutes ago, urging her to do the same. But she couldn't, she felt like everyone else was starting to give up and she couldn't let that happen.

"Beckett," she looked up to see Castle walking toward her, without coffee but with an angry look on his face. He had tried to call her three times and while she had always answered, she had kept telling him it wasn't a good time. And he'd had enough, old wounds reopened as her absence reminded him of Meredith's failures as a mother. He knew Kate wasn't like Meredith and there was a part of him that was aware of the fact that Kate had just hit a wall she didn't know how to climb. That neglecting her daughter was not something she did on purpose. Objectively he also knew she wasn't neglecting them, she was simply doing her job and they both knew that her job required long nights from time to time. But she had forgotten that everyone needed a break once in a while. And even though rationally he knew all this, he couldn't reel his anger in. Couldn't make himself take a deep breath and approach with caution.

"Hey," she said, pushing herself off the desk she was leaning on and walking toward him. "Something wrong?"

The laugh he let out was anything but friendly, hitting her straight in the face.

"What's wrong?" He asked sarcastically, "Your daughter cried her eyes out last night because you weren't there and I didn't know what to say or what to tell her. That's what's wrong."

"Castle, I told you I would come home as soon as I could," she said, pulling him into the break room and closing the door behind them.

"And you know what Kate? That's not enough. The girls need you and I know I have no right to ask you to come home for Alexis' sake, but for Jamie's."

His words hit her square in the heart and she stumbled backward as she looked into his angry eyes, "That's not fair," she gulped with tears in her eyes, "you know I love Alexis."

"Then come home," he pressed on, "at least for tonight."

"I can't," she mumbled.

"What you can't do is leave Jamie alone for days," he barked back, totally losing his temper.

"I'm not leaving her alone," she objected, "she's with you."

"She needs her mother. Would you have left her alone with Cynthia for days?" He challenged though he knew the answer.

"No, of course not," Kate replied and didn't know if the statement worked for or against her.

He huffed out a laugh, "Well who would have thought."

"Castle I told you I can't - ," but he didn't let her finish.

"You keep saying that Kate, but I can't see what's more important than your daughter. You can't just disappear on us whenever you have a tough case. Is this how it's going to be from now on?"

"I - ," she didn't know what to say.

"That's what I figured," he turned opening the door to let it shut with a loud bang behind him.

Kate stayed behind in the empty break room, the silence deafening and she slowly sank against the kitchen counter, trying to breathe, her eyes closed when she heard the door open again.

"Ca -," Kate's head shot up, hoping to see Castle instead Lanie was standing in front of her.

"Hey girl," Lanie greeted her with a scrutinizing look, "was that your boyfriend who just stormed past me?"

Kate simply nodded.

"Trouble?"

Another nod.

"Hey, you wanna talk about it?" Lanie asked gently, settling against the kitchen counter next to Kate.

Kate sighed, normally she wouldn't discuss her private problems with someone she hardly knew, no matter what kind of bond they had established over the past days. But maybe an unbiased opinion would help her sort out the mess she had created, because deep down she knew Castle was right, "He wants me to come home."

"Well I'd say he's dead-on," Lanie stated dryly.

"I can't," Kate shook her head.

"Kate, I know you made a promise and I respect that you are trying to do everything to keep it, but you are exhausted. You're not helping anyone if you run yourself into the ground. Look at the others. They all go home to their families, recharge their batteries and enjoy a couple of hours without thinking about murder and dead children and then they come back with a fresh mind and get back on it. So go home, kiss your girl goodnight and cuddle with your boyfriend and tomorrow after a good breakfast at home come back and start anew."

"I'm not sure I can handle it," Kate admitted.

"I know what you're afraid of, but believe me it will be good to be home. It won't pull you down like you fear, this, what you're doing right now that's what's pulling you down and once you get out of here you'll see it yourself. So go home."

"You think?" Kate asked hesitantly, although she already knew the answer, knew exactly where she wanted to be.

"Girl, don't make me drag you home myself. Just go."

"Okay," Kate nodded and started for the door before looking back at her new friend with a smile, "Thank you, Lanie."

X~~~X