22. Daughters

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Castle was beyond nervous, pacing through the kitchen like a caged animal, Alexis upstairs in her room unsuspecting of his turmoil, while he was still trying to gather up the courage to call her down. He had no idea how to tell her, where to start, how to tell a seven – almost eight-year-old that almost three years ago he'd spent the night with a woman he hadn't known. And that now, just a couple of weeks ago, he had learned that Alexis' wish for a sibling had been granted already back then. Well, he probably shouldn't start with that enlightenment. Humor would not get him anywhere right now.

Taking a deep breath, followed by another he finally stepped onto the bottom steps of the stairs to call up for his daughter.

It took only seconds for the redhead to stick her head around the corner of the upper hallway to see what the matter was.

"Yes Dad?"

"Hey," he tried to smile, knowing he failed miserably, his nervousness showing all over his face, "Could you come down for a second, there's something I need to tell you."

Alexis came running down the stairs, smiling brightly but her good mood quickly faded when she saw the serious, almost tortured look on her dad's face.

"Did I do something wrong, Dad?" She asked, lifting her eyes up to meet his as she stopped in front of him.

Great, he was already screwing it up, doing a horrible job of filling his daughter in on the news and he hadn't even really started. "No!" He exclaimed louder than necessary, "You did nothing wrong, nothing at all." His hand reached out to caress her face, trying to calm her with his gesture when his words obviously couldn't.

"Then why do you look so serious?" She asked, looking unsure and wary.

Castle sighed, reaching for his daughter's hand and pulling her over the couch, "Because I have something serious to tell you and I'm not sure how you will react to it." He informed her on the way, but his words only made matters worse.

"You scare me Dad," Alexis almost whispered and he could see it in her eyes, just how much he was confusing and frightening her. It was the last thing he wanted.

He cursed silently at himself as he tugged Alexis down next to him. Could this get any worse? He needed to do better and fast.

"It's nothing bad, I promise you." At least he hoped she wouldn't see it as a bad thing. "But I need you to know it's okay if you get upset or if you need some time to think about it, okay?"

He waited for her to nod, "And whatever happens, it doesn't change a thing between us. Nothing can ever change what we have. I need you to keep that in mind."

"Are you getting married again?" Alexis suddenly exclaimed with something he could only describe as horror showing on her face.

"What?" He shrieked shocked. "No. No." His head was shaking violently, too violently than strictly necessary to get his point across. "No, I'm not getting married again, Alexis. I wouldn't just – no."

She seemed to visibly relax at his words, "Okay, because that's not what I meant when I said it might be okay to get a sibling."

"Uhm -," he felt sweat pooling at his hairline. "Alexis – I – you -," he huffed hot air out of his lungs.

"Dad?"

"You have a sister." Smooth, really smooth Rick.

"I what?" Alexis voice caught in her throat as she lifted his eyes to his, silently begging him to tell her he was kidding. This was so not what she had meant a couple of weeks ago.

"You have a sister," the repeating of his words the only thing he could come up with, before he added, "Half sister," on a second, unnecessary thought.

"I don't understand," her voice was quiet, much too quiet for his liking. "You mean before mom?"

"Ah -," his right hand ran through his hair, collecting some of the sweat that was still forming on his forehead. "No, not before your mom." He shook his head and sighed, time to put his cards on the table. "It happened about three years ago, after your mom and I got divorced - I met a woman." He glanced at Alexis trying to gauge her reaction to his revelation. She seemed to be at least willing to listen and maybe knowing would help her to understand. But he would stop as soon as he thought it was too much. He didn't want her to feel uncomfortable.

"Kate, her name is Kate, she's a police officer," he continued, wanting to paint a picture where Kate wasn't just another woman in a long line that wouldn't have any impact on Alexis' life. Because she would, one way or another, not only Jamie but also Kate Beckett would be a part of their lives from now on. "We haven't seen each other since then, not until we ran into one another a couple of weeks ago."

Castle chanced another glance at his daughter, but she wasn't looking at him, her bottom lip caught between her teeth in a way that reminded him of Kate. "That's when I found out about Jamie," he said, fumbling with his wallet, and pulling out the picture of Jamie, Kate had given him at their meeting at Remy's, holding it out for Alexis to take. "She will turn two in about two weeks."

Alexis hesitated until curiosity won and she reached for the picture without saying a word and without looking at him.

"Alexis?" His voice was soft, yet fearful, "Pumpkin, please say something."

"You knew for weeks and didn't tell me?" The accusation was heavy in her voice. "You told me to always say the truth and now you lied to me."

She was on her feet and storming up the stairs before he knew it and already at the top of them before he found his voice, "Alexis!" He called after her, shooting up to follow his daughter.

"Leave me alone," she stopped his attempts to climb the stairs and he did as she asked him to, stopping dead in his tracks. After all he had told her it was okay if she needed time. So instead of giving into the urge to see if she was okay only for his own, selfish benefit, he sank down on the stairs, burying his head in his hands. This had gone even worse than he had feared.

He had no idea how long he had been sitting on the bottom of the stairs, trying to come up with something that would help to improve the situation. Of course he hadn't expected for Alexis to be as excited as he was about the addition to their family right away, yet it had taken him by surprise how unhappy she had seemed to be when she had stormed out on him earlier.

Sighing heavily, he finally pushed himself up, hearing his joints pop as he shuffled into the study to call his mother.

"Oh Richard, I'm sorry," his mother soothed him after learning what had happened, "but knowing Alexis she will come around sooner than later. Just give her some space and you'll see she will come to you in no time."

"What if she doesn't? What if she wants nothing to do with Jamie," he sounded desperate and Martha knew how hard it must be for him, but she also knew her granddaughter and it was very unlikely that any of the foreboding he was evoking actually would come true.

"You'll see, she will be excited about this once she's had the time to process it. You just have to stay positive," she encouraged him, "and don't pressure her. Give her the space she needs." She added.

"I'll try," he mumbled, "but I won't promise."

"Alright Kiddo," his mother chuckled. "Try to get some sleep."

He hung up, but didn't move from behind his desk, he felt lonely and helpless. He should have done better, Alexis deserved better only he had no idea how to do that. He had messed it up and now he had to find a way to get out of that mess again, but he wasn't sure he could do it alone.

He was dialling before he knew it.

"Beckett."

It was ridiculous how much easier he could breathe just hearing her voice.

"Hey Kate, it's me. I hope I'm not interrupting," he sounded shy and Kate immediately knew his talk with Alexis hadn't gone well.

"Hey Castle, you're not interrupting I was just getting ready for bed," she told him, getting comfortable on the couch once more.

"Oh, sorry I should let you go then," he spoke quietly, but she quickly stopped him.

"No, it's really okay. How did it go with Alexis?" She believed it was always best to get straight to the point.

"Not good," he sighed heavily, "she stormed out. Told me I lied to her." Kate heard him taking in another shaky breath. "She wants me to leave her alone."

"Castle," her voice was so soft, so warm and he wished he could just bathe in it for a while. "She needs some time. I imagine it can be pretty scary if you suddenly have to share the most important person in your life with people you don't even know." She hadn't meant to make it sound as if she included herself in the group of people Alexis had to share her dad with from now on so she quickly went on, "I know I'm not proud of how I handled things in the beginning."

He had to admit she had a point. They both had acted very much on impulse that day in the alley.

"It's different for Alexis than it is for Jamie, Castle." She tried to make him see a possible reason for Alexis' reaction. "Jamie got something she hadn't had before, but Alexis might feel as if she's losing you. She used to have you to herself."

"She's not selfish," he got out sounding defensive.

"And I'm not saying she is Castle. Alexis has every right to be upset. She's older than Jamie, she's aware there will be changes and consequences that will come from having Jamie in your lives. And I think it's only fair she gets some time to sort that out."

He didn't say anything for a long time and she remembered the words he had spoken to her only a day ago, thinking she should give them back to him now, "We'll work it all out, Castle."

His eyes shot up, but before he could say anything Kate was speaking again.

"And from what you told me about Alexis she will be the greatest big sister Jamie could ever ask for."

"Thank you, Kate." He had trouble getting the words out, his heart clenching at her words and her support. "Thank you."

"Anytime Castle. You think you'll be able to get some sleep?" He got so caught up in the warmth and richness of her voice that he had trouble concentrating on her question.

"I will try," he finally promised.

"Good," she seemed satisfied. "We'll talk tomorrow."

They ended the call wishing each other a good night and Castle felt better. It was still a mess, but they would work it out. It would all be okay in the end.

"Dad?"

His head shot up to see Alexis standing in the doorway of his office. Even in the dim light he could see she had been crying and it broke his heart. He got to his feet and tentatively took a step towards her.

"Alexis," he breathed, she didn't move, instead fixed her eyes on a spot on the hardwood floor. "Pumpkin, come here."

The relief he felt when she did was overwhelming. He caught her when she flew into his arms and pulled her close.

"Alexis, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you," he mumbled into her hair, while she clung to him. Walking them both over to one of the armchairs, he slowly sat down with Alexis in his arms.

"Why didn't you tell me?" She finally asked, playing with one of the buttons of his shirt, avoiding his eyes.

"Oh Pumpkin, it was complicated." He started, "Jamie didn't know who I was and her mom - Kate, she wanted to take things slow." He continued as he slowly told her what had happened over the past weeks, leaving out the parts she didn't have to know.

"I didn't tell you, because I thought it would be easier until Kate and I had sorted everything out," he lifted her chin to meet her eyes. "Can you understand that?"

"I think," Alexis answered quietly, taking a deep breath. "But why did you only meet Jamie now?"

He wasn't sure how to answer. "You know Kate didn't know who I was and when we lost sight of each other she couldn't find me." He realized he had no idea if this was actually true. It was the story he had made up in his head, since he had never gathered up the courage to ask her about that time directly.

"Why didn't she know who you were?" Alexis frowned and Castle flinched. His daughter was too smart for her own good. He certainly didn't want to explain to her what having a one night stand meant.

"See," he tried to buy time. "That's complicated."

"Adult stuff?" Alexis frowned.

"Yeah, sort of."

"Okay." She nodded.

They were silent for a while, Alexis nuzzling into her father's chest as she pulled out Jamie's picture, which she had kept under her shirt the whole time.

"She's cute," she finally said and Castle believed he saw a small smile around her lips.

"She is," he confirmed.

"Do you think she will like me?" Alexis asked quietly, sounding insecure.

He pulled her closer, kissing the top of her head, so proud of his girl, "She will love and adore you, because she's getting the most amazing big sister in the world."

The smile on Alexis face grew, "Yeah?"

"Absolutely, Pumpkin."

"And her mom?" She hesitated, "Will she like me too?"

"Alexis," he made her look at him again and sighed. Sometimes he hated his ex-wife for what her leaving had done to their daughter, "You are an amazing little girl, of course she will like you."

"Is it okay if I think about it a bit longer?" She asked, sounding way beyond her age and he nodded.

"Of course, you take as much time as you need and if there's anything else you want to know, just ask me." He pushed a strand of hair out of her face. "Anytime."

"Can I stay with you tonight?" She was still clinging to him.

"Come on, Pumpkin. Let's go to bed." He mumbled softly into her hair, as he stood up.

After a quick run to the bathroom he tucked her into his large bed and felt her drift towards him the minute he climbed in next to her.

"I love you, Daddy." She whispered, nuzzling into his side.

"I love you too, Pumpkin." He whispered back as he held her close. "More than anything."

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