Guilty confessions

CHAPTER - 6

Phosphenes hung around the ceiling as Sarah rubbed her eyes open. Her head instantly turned to the window beside the couch when she heard tapping. Unfortunately for her, it was just a branch knocking against the glass and not a blond boy greeting her with his crooked smile.

Sarah dragged herself to the foot of the bed she no longer slept in, slumping to the floor, hugging the blanket closer to her body. The very rare nights she actually did sleep, had all been on the couch on the opposite side of the room.

The bed had too many memories attached to it and most of all, was comfortable, way too comfortable. ‘I don’t deserve this comfort anymore. Do I?’, she had thought to herself as she hiked the sheets away from the mattress.

At 1 in the morning, Sarah wasn’t expecting a lot of noise, she actually quite enjoyed the silence. She had only gotten used to it for the past five months. The branches cast shadows on her bedroom wall and the low noise of the wind blowing was comforting, calming even.

As she rested her head against the bed-frame, Sarah wondered about the last time she had felt calm; the last time she had

been aware of her emotions, the physiological responses of her body. The feelings that weren’t similar to that of a chain wrapping around her lungs, coiling tighter by the second and forcing the air out; and soon, he was beside her.

‘ Bending his ankle as soon as his foot made contact with the floor, Keith’s mouth hung open, but the yelp that left him was suppressed by Sarah’s palm, whose eyes were wide with horror.

“You’re seriously going to hurt yourself if you keep coming in through the window”, her tone suggested anger, but her

voice was barely above a whisper.

Ignoring the throbbing pain in his foot, Keith shrugged, “Coming in through the front door isn’t half as charming though, is it?”

Sarah rolled her eyes at the wink he shot at her, but the smile tugging at her lips was enough for Keith. Still only inches away from each other, Keith planted a soft kiss on her lips, ”Hi”.

Sarah let out a soft moan, the butterflies in her stomach somersaulting. She had been with Keith for a year and a half, but every single time he kissed her, it was like their very first one and Sarah would melt under his touch.

Still smiling, Sarah stood up, dragging Keith along by the arm. Once standing, he towered Sarah and slowly began to corner her towards her table.

“I learnt a new word today”, he spoke, a hint of playfulness evident in his voice.

“Care to elaborate?”, Sarah took small steps as she walked backwards, the table now hitting her back.

“You know that feeling I have every time I see you? The one that makes me want to squeeze you tight?”, he helped Sarah sit on the table, her legs hanging on either side of him.

“Do I?"

“Do you really wanna do this right now?”

“Yeah no I’m sorry, continue.”

Keith chuckled, “Yeah well that feeling is called ‘gigil’. I’m pretty sure I’m pronouncing it wrong though”.

“Gigil?”

“Gigil.”

“It’s cute.”

“I know.”

“Just like you are”, Sarah pulled him in for a kiss, slightly cringing at their interaction, but savoring all of it nonetheless.

Everything was going just fine, until Sarah broke away, her ears perking at the noise emerging from downstairs. Keith, confused at first, soon picked up on the yelling he too, had grown accustomed to.

Sighing, Sarah looked up at him, ”Bathroom?”

“Your choice.”

Carrying a giggling Sarah to the bathroom, Keith huffed as he placed her on the countertop, desperately reaching for her lips. Sarah responded with the same eagerness.

Her parents had accomplished everything at this point, yelling, screaming, shouting and breaking things all over the house. She had managed to ignore almost every possible noise, letting her sobs drown most of them out.

When Keith flinched at the noise of glass breaking, Sarah felt like wreaking havoc herself.

“That’s what twenty years of marriage gets you”, she scoffed as Keith remained silent, rubbing circles on her knuckles with his thumb.

“They told me they’re getting a divorce yesterday. And I thought that would mean an end to all of this”, a stray tear rolled down her cheek, ”Why is it not ending?”

Keith cooed at her, hugging her close and brushing her hair as she laid her head against his chest.

When even louder screams began to intrude their sanctuary, Keith cupped her face, his thumbs wiping away the flowing tears, ”Hey, let’s just focus on us”.

“Things.. get complicated. And we don’t always have answers. But, it’s me and you, no matter what. Alright?”

Sniffling, Sarah dabbed at her face, smiling a little at Keith, whose left eye had begun to twitch just the slightest. That was his tell, he was nervous, and so she kissed him once more.

Letting out a relieved sigh, he spoke again, ”And you know what, here’s a different plan”.’

A loud horn blared outside and Sarah was face to face with a now, mostly faded beer-stained carpet. Slapping herself to wake up she stared at the notes on her phone, the ones she had typed out in a ‘eureka’-like state before falling asleep.

Keith had managed to help her out once more, and while he wouldn’t approve, Sarah knew she had found the perfect plan.

***************************

Vanessa Thomas – smart, intuitive, charming and the one you approached when shit needed to get done. Some even claimed that calling her omniscient wouldn’t be too much of a stretch; that was, at work of course.

Home was a different story. She had little to no idea what was transpiring, in what she felt was now, just a hollow building. How could she? She had absolutely no interest in being involved with her family; at least that’s what her husband had complained about or, soon to be ex-husband.

Every cell in her body yearned to refute his claims, but her guilty conscience had weighed down on her. Her eyes landed on her daughter, or as people often called her, the miniature version of Vanessa, who was playing around with a banana peel on the opposite end of the kitchen island.

Their attempts at conversation in the past had sometimes led to arguments, and sometimes were just agonizing awkward interactions that left them both gutted, so they had stopped trying.

The emanating silence ate away at Vanessa, and the fear of their relationship ending up like that of Vanessa and her mother forced her to move, startling Sarah.

“Pancakes?”, she chirped. Placing the batter she had made earlier in the morning near the stove, Vanessa tested the griddle’s heat with her palm.

“Your father picked up all of his stuff this morning”, she spoke over the stove, her voice a note higher than she had anticipated. The batter had been a result of her searching for a distraction as her husband tore through their belongings, reclaiming his own. She had also hoped it would function as an igniter to rekindling Sarah and hers fading relationship.

Wincing at the sizzling noises, Sarah used one finger to plug her ear, ”Yeah I know, he told me that yesterday evening”.

“Oh did he text you?”

Sarah turned to the cabinets, bringing out plates and cutlery, ”No, he told me when he was here yesterday”.

Vanessa halted her movements, whipping her head towards Sarah, ”Yesterday? He was here? Last evening?”

“Yeah, I thought you knew”, the burning stench alerted Sarah, ”Mom the pan!”

The flames reaching higher had stung Vanessa’s fingers and she dropped the pan, jumping back. Hurrying for the stove, Sarah grabbed a mitten, placing the griddle under running water, scraping off the burnt bits.

Vanessa returned to her earlier place on the stool, burying her head in her hands. The water pouring on the griddle helped reduce its temperature, but Vanessa was experiencing an inverse reaction.

“I can’t do one damn thing right”, she exclaimed, sending chills down Sarah’s spine. Sarah remained mum; her mother’s outbursts, no matter how regular, always had her hair standing on edge.

Vanessa felt her body heat up as sweat collected on her upper-lip. The feelings she had put a lid on were beginning to boil over, the embarrassment of being a failure subduing her.

She had managed to dismantle all her relationships; with her mother, with Dan, and now it seemed, with Sarah too. To Vanessa, Sarah was the one person she had been hoping would be an exception, the one individual she had been hoping to reach out to, but Vanessa’s incompetence had beaten her to it.

When Sarah finally looked at her mom, she was horrified. The color had been washed out of her face and she was visibly trembling.

“Mom?”

Vanessa looked up, but all she could see were white spots. They were colliding with Sarah’s face, who was now beside her. When she opened her mouth to speak, her voice caught in her throat.

Sarah grabbed a fork as Vanessa started wheezing, she knew exactly what was happening, she had experienced it a thousand times before.

Handing her the fork, Sarah instructed Vanessa in a calm voice,” Ok mom, focus on the fork. Alright?”

Vanessa nodded, shifting her attention as she fought for air,” I.. I can’t-“

“No mom, don’t try to speak. Just focus and deep breaths. Okay?”

Half an hour later, Sarah slumped against her door, body aching and heart even more. Before drifting off to sleep, Vanessa had clasped Sarah’s hand tight in her own. Begging for forgiveness as tears rolled down her cheeks, Vanessa spoke about the downfall of their relationship. Still struggling for her breath, she had wished for a new start for their relationship; she wanted to turn a new page.

A new beginning was what Sarah had been longing for herself, and as her mother kept pleading in whispers, she internally cursed herself throughout. When Vanessa squeezed Sarah’s hand again, imploring; she gave in.

“Sure mom, new beginnings”, she murmured, simultaneously signing a receipt for the impending disappointment waiting at her mother’s door.