14. Chapter 14: The Way I Am

A/N Thank you for your comments! This is a pretty angsty update, filled with Ellis and the explanation of Meredith's past. I hope it meets your expectations!

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Meredith stood immobile in the lobby with her arms folded tightly over her chest, Miranda and Erica talking nearby waiting with her for her mother. The plane from Boston with Dr. Ellis Grey on the board landed in Seattle an hour and half ago which meant she would be at the hospital anytime now and which also meant those were the last moment of freedom to enjoy.

Her eyes swept the lobby for the hundredth time and immediately snorted at her foolishness. The hospital could look impeccable and be sterile clean, it wouldn't stop her mother from finding faults. She would find imperfections in God himself if he appeared before her.

She rolled her eyes at her staff's attempts at looking at their best. They were of no use. Ellis Grey didn't like anything and anyone and… here she was, striding down the corridor in her high heels, an eternal scowl on her face and a scared looking cab driver trudging her compact suitcase.

"Dr. Grey," she nodded her head at Meredith.

"Dr. Grey," reciprocated Meredith with equal coldness.

Meredith could detect Bailey's unexpressed astonishment at the level of civility between the mother and daughter but she didn't expect anything else. Ellis came to Seattle for professional reasons and besides that, they didn't part in peace the last time they saw each other in Boston.

"Dr. Grey," took up Meredith and moved to introduce her colleagues. "This Dr. Miranda Bailey I told you about over the phone, my head of general, and Dr. Erica Hahn, head of cardio. You'll be working alongside them."

They shook hands and Bailey started, "Dr. Grey, it's an honor to meet-"

"Is the girl critical?" Ellis cut her across.

"No, she's-"

"Then I need an office at my disposition," she demanded. "I need to change and freshen up after the flight."

"I've got it covered," assured Meredith. "If you follow me, Dr. Grey."

They were about to depart when two residents ran up to introduce themselves to the surgical celebrity.

"Dr. Grey, sorry to interrupt but we admire your work and we wondered if you could-" they got silent when Ellis fixed her hostile glare at them.

"I came from the opposite coast to follow up a difficult case," she barked. "Do you think I have any time to waste on socializing with lowly residents? I hope you'll be able to find the answer to that question on your own if you got in the program. Although, it's clearly not what it once was…" she snorted and walked past .

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"Whoa, did you see that?" choked Izzie after Meredith took her mother to her temporary office. "now we know why Dr. Model's so bitchy; like mother like daughter."

Cristina shrugged her shoulders wordlessly, looking at their boss in a new light. She knew a thing or two about overbearing mothers and Ellis Grey certainly looked like an example of one. She watched the two unfortunate interns sneaking shamefully out of the lobby. That was a new record, brought to tears in fifteen seconds…

There was also another person who saw Meredith Grey in a new light, her boyfriend, Derek Shepherd. The attitude of the older Dr. Grey explained a lot, including Meredith's reticence at his meeting her mother. Derek resolved he would stick to the promise he made, he would stay away from Ellis Grey. Meredith was strong but complicated and he supposed that a row with Ellis would bring her great emotional turmoil.

Ellis looked at lot like her daughter at first glance but she was a bigger woman and had sharper features. Meredith was more delicate. They had the same decisiveness, ruthlessness and cold. But that seemed to be all for Ellis. There was always more about Meredith, the charm, the playfulness and also an incredible warmth and gentleness when they were alone.

Derek sighed and felt sorry for himself as a sudden thought crossed his mind that one day Ellis Grey could be his mother-in-law.

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By lunchtime, Meredith felt suicidal. Ellis criticized everything she came to contact with. She didn't like the office Meredith prepared for her. It turned out that during the time of her residency it was a room where residents liked to gather to study, eat or simply complain about their sorry lives. It was a grand disrespect for her to work in such a place.

She didn't like the scrubs she was given and she ranted that had she known what awaited her in this goddamn place, she would have brought her own. Meredith wondered how she was able to stand her mother's humors for so many years.

Desperately needing to break free from her mother's claws, she excused herself to make a trip to cafeteria to grab a cup of coffee. She didn't offer one for Ellis, she would have to listen to a whole litany of complaints and she just didn't have the energy.

Derek caught up with her in the corridor. He obviously waited for an occasion to speak with her without her mother's presence.

"Hey," he said quietly, looking with concern at her exhausted expression. "You're having a bad day, aren't you?"

"I'll live, I always do. You don't have to worry about me," she grumbled. Her nerves and patience were strained to all imaginable limits. She couldn't worry about him too. Why couldn't he stay away like they agreed to yesterday?

"Meredith-" he began gently.

"I don't have any time to waste, Dr. Shepherd!" she yelled callously and marched off with a sinking heart. Derek took a deep sigh and took another way.

Neither of the noticed that Ellis witnessed their little encounter and didn't like what she saw.

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Meredith wondered if a sudden craving for coffee would work as an excuse to leave her mother's side for the third time. Ellis had a little conference with Miranda and Erica, or rather a one-sided oratory with ineffective attempts at interrupting on the part of the other two doctors. She had two hours of free time until the surgery and she apparently chose to spend them making her daughter's life a living hell.

"Dr. Grey!" Cristina Young reached them crashed against two identical green eyed stares. "That is… Chief… I have to speak to you, urgently, Chief."

Meredith sent silent thanks to the gods. "You'll excuse me, Dr. Grey."

She followed the dark-haired woman and asked, "What is it Dr. Young?"

"Chief, Dr. Jordan Kenley passed away. He had a massive coronary."

Meredith slowed her footsteps. One of her employees was dead, she had to take care of formalities, notify the family, find a replacement impromptu. She was saved from her mother. "Thank God," she muttered under her breath.

Cristina raised her eyebrows with amusement and Meredith realized with horror that she verbalized her thoughts.

"Thank God… that we had such a reliable doctor on our team…" finished Meredith resolutely.

"Yeah, right," snorted Cristina. "Don't worry, sometimes I feel like I'd use a nuclear bomb on my mother, just to make sure she couldn't escape."

Meredith narrowed her eyes at her and asked instead of replying, "Dr. Kenley was one of the eldest surgeons at Seattle Grace?"

"I… guess the second oldest," answered Cristina pensively and added with disapproval in her voice, "After Dr. Campbell."

"You'd like to make a comment about her work?" inquired Meredith shrewdly.

"It certainly leaves a lot to comment," remarked noncommittally the Asian doctor.

"Thank you, Dr. Yang," nodded and made to walk away but suddenly turned back, "A nuclear bomb alone wouldn't annihilate Ellis Grey, I'm afraid."

She left Cristina behind hearing her laughter and returned to the place she had left her mother. Her blood froze in her veins when she saw her ordering Derek to follow her into a conference room… She threw a furtive glance around. Damn, there were too many people to eavesdrop at the door. Wait a minute, there was another door to that room leading from the adjoin one. She sneaked into the mercifully empty room and tiptoed to the door.

She frowned at her mother's strident tones.

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After her daughter made an escape with the young doctor at her side, Ellis looked around the place she once worked at and loved. So many memories, good and bad ones, the best and the worst moments of her life. What an irony of fate that her daughter was working here now too. Her eyes narrowed as they met the raven-haired male doctor she saw earlier with Meredith, Dr. Shepherd that was interested in her daughter too much for her liking.

"Nurse… Debbie," she stopped a passing nurse, making an effort to read her name.

"Yes, Dr. Grey," the woman looked at her curiously. "Can I help you?"

"What can you tell me about Dr. Shepherd?" she asked. "I have a business with him."

"Oh, what kind of business?" demanded Debbie.

"An urgent one," replied flatly Ellis. "Is he a good doctor?"

"An excellent one," assured Debbie. "He's our head of neurosurgery. He was to be the next chief but your daughter came and... you know…"

"He's older than my daughter, isn't he?" stated Ellis conversationally.

"Mid-thirties, he's thirty-five, I believe." Nurse Debbie knew it for sure; every year the nurses gave a piece of birthday cake for the hot doctor in the hope of attracting his attention. But his stomach, and his heart, proved rather unresponsive so far. Still, he was continuously single, so the hope thrived.

"Thank you, Nurse Debbie," Ellis made known that the conversation was over.

Debbie walked off with a smirk. Well, well, well… The younger Dr. Grey couldn't stand the sight of the man. The older one, on the other hand, seemed to be very interested in him. Poor Dr. Shepherd! Oooh, they were going to have a field day!

"Dr. Shepherd," Ellis approached Derek sternly. "I'd like to talk to you."

"Doctor-"

She didn't wait for his answer and walked into an empty conference room.

Derek followed her with a frown on his face, having no idea what it was all about. He was sure Meredith hadn't made any confessions to her mother.

"Dr. Grey, I don't believe we've met."

"We haven't," she shot back. "And I hope we never will again."

"Excuse me?" he breathed out.

"I won't beat around the bush," she pierced him with her eyes. "Stop every damn thing about my daughter."

"What-"

"You're not talking when I'm talking," she said the phrase he sometimes heard from Meredith's lips. "I know you're hanging around her, chasing her. I saw how you were looking at her."

Derek's mouth went dry, he didn't know what to say even if he could interrupt.

"For you, it might be an innocent flirt, a fling, fun. You think you're a charmer, I know the type, a conceited arrogant neurosurgeon," she scorned. "For my daughter, it would only be a distraction. She has an incredible potential, she's a force of nature. As she said so decidedly herself, you're only wasting her time."

Derek inhaled deeply, his features hardening, wondering how much more abuse he was able to take. He felt the worst was still to come but some part of him wanted to hear out everything Meredith's mother had to say.

"She's way out of your league," she jeered pitilessly. "A chief of surgery at 29, she beat you for that position, what does that tell you? I can give you a hint if you want. You're too old, your career is dead, whereas Meredith, she has a lot to achieve. I know one day she'll wake up from her silly stupor. She'll leave this godforsaken hole and come back to the East Coast. I don't want anything dragging her down when that moment comes! I hope we're clear," she spitted out and stormed out of the room, shutting the door with a thud.

Derek sat down heavily in one of the chairs, feeling drained and exhausted. Ellis Grey seemed to suck the life out of him. He never felt inferior to Meredith, if anything he was flattered she took interest in him but now… thanks to Ellis he felt like a useless piece of trash.

On the other side of the wall, Meredith slid to the floor in equal distress. She fought back the tears that forced themselves into her eyes. She never cried, she never cried. She swallowed back the sobs that threatened to shake her body. Every word Ellis uttered to Derek, her precious man, cut deeply through her heart. Oh, how she hated her mother right now, like never before. She dared to hurt Derek… Meredith knew he was hurting. His silence and the tormented sigh with which he sat down told her so.

She craved to run into the other room and take him into a loving embrace, kissing the pain away. But what would she say to him? What could she possibly say to him after all he heard from her own mother? She'd be surprised if he ever wanted to be around her anymore. When Ellis Grey made on order, everyone around had to obey, and they usually did. What was she going to do if Derek did?

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Unsurprisingly, the gallery overlooking the OR where Dr. Grey was performing a surgery was filled to the brim. The faces of the many spectators expressed a range of emotions. In most of the cases, it was admiration. Ellis Grey was truly a surgical goddess. Her hands possessed an uncommon skill and agility. She was resourceful and never lost her head finding an exit from every tight spot. Many others compared the work of the mother to that of her daughter.

Derek observed her work from a corner, noticing unmistakable moves and reactions Meredith also presented while at the operating table. It was clear Ellis was her first and most important teacher.

His encounter with her still weighed heavily on his mind. How could it not? For a briefest of seconds, he mused over the truths in her words, considering if he imposed himself on Meredith and if she would be really better off without him. But he could no longer imagine his life without her. He felt for her… He didn't want to name yet what he felt for her but he knew subconsciously and yearned for her to feel the same. He was in it for a long haul and Ellis Grey and all her spite wouldn't drive him away, nothing could, neither Meredith herself nor her mother. Now he only worried for Meredith, he could distinguish the distress in her eyes. He was slightly ashamed to admit it but he hoped Ellis wouldn't decide to stay for long.

Another person shared the exact same wish. Meredith stood fixedly, still seething with anger though her unshed tears dried from her eyes. She remarked with grim satisfaction that her mother's skills not exceeded her own. Although, surely, her mother would comment wryly that they were nothing alike since Meredith had chosen to specialize in neurology, strongly against Ellis's will and advice.

The procedure finally came to an end, leaving the little patient stable. Meredith concluded with relief that there was nothing that held Ellis back at the hospital and since her daughter's affairs surely wouldn't keep her interest, her departure was imminent. She couldn't wait to bid her farewell and try to pick up the pieces that seemed to be her relationship with Derek.

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Just as Meredith assumed, Ellis had no intention of staying in Seattle than it was professionally necessary. Saying as little as possible, fearing a longer utterance might provoke an angry outburst on her part, she saw her mother off to the busy lobby. Like in the morning a lot of curious people waited to see her.

She made no sign that she had heard Ellis's conversation with Derek. She was aware that it wouldn't end with empty threats if Ellis as much as suspected that Derek was not at all indifferent to her. She would stay behind and poison their lives, scaring off every possible "distraction" like she always did, making Meredith a person focused only on her studies and work and… the loneliest girl in the world.

Ellis, however, was not going to disappear without the last word and seeing the glint in her mother's eyes, Meredith knew it wasn't going to be pleasant. Ellis buttoned her coat and stated loftily, "A lot has changed in that place since I set my foot here for the last time. I don't know who is to be blamed for that, you or Richard."

Meredith jaw tightened and she prepared herself for what was to come.

"This institution will never be what it aspires to," continued Ellis with a shake of her head. "There's no focus, the staff are more concerned with their personal life than work, maybe to cover its poor quality."

Finished, that was what Meredith's patience was. Enough was enough. Ellis abused her in every possible way. She couldn't protect Derek from her hatred but at least she would protect her hospital.

"I happen to disagree," hissed Meredith straightening up to her full height. "There's no doubt in my mind that we're the finest surgical team in America, or at least we're soon going to be. Thank you for your services, Dr. Grey. I'll walk you off."

She didn't give her mother a chance to reply and shot towards the elevators. The onlookers heard enough of that humiliating conversation.

"You're making a mistake, a big one," pronounced Ellis in a quieter voice. "I know you're staying here for him."

Meredith's head whipped at her at once, "What?" Her heart beat wildly. Did she figure out the truth about Derek after all?

"Do you think he cares?" snorted Ellis. "He abandoned you at the age of five!"

Meredith breathed out but it wasn't relief. Her mother completely misread what was going on with her, not the first time though, so it didn't come as a surprise. Since she came to Seattle to take over the position of the chief, she didn't even think about her father. First, it was her job that consumed all her attention then Derek rocked her world, making her forget about everything. But now the memories were coming crashing down on her.

"Ask him, see if he cares," jeered Ellis. "Do you like his current wife or his two lovely daughters? One happy family, isn't it?"

For a moment, Meredith didn't know how to respond. She just stood in utter shock and disbelief. It was too much, the day was too much. How Ellis always found pleasure in hurting her, she couldn't fathom.

"Goodbye, Dr. Grey," she managed to grit out. "You know your way out."

"Meredith, I'm talking to you!"

She ignored her mother and hurried away with a stormy look on her face that informed everyone ahead to get the hell out of her way. She needed to vent in solitude. She needed her dark place she didn't resort to visit for a long time. "Not now," she shot at a concerned Addie.

Derek observed the last minutes of Dr. Grey's presence at Seattle Grace from a distance, just like many other of his colleagues did. An angry murmur of indignation washed over them as the famous surgeon expressed her views on the hospital, and then another one, of solidarity when their Chief stood up to defend them.

He followed the mother and daughter with his eyes and registered with worry that Ellis continued to sting, throwing Meredith completely off balance. The woman he grew to care so much for was somewhere between livid and wounded. He didn't waste a heartbeat to go after her inconspicuously. He wasn't going to let her be in this state alone.

He saw her sneaking into a room in the peripheries of the hospital he was sure he never visited. He entered the place with curiosity, noticing different kinds of pipes and cables sticking out of the walls, a metallic crate that made up the floor and his Meredith.

At the sound of the opening door, she whirled around to face the intruder, meeting the troubled eyes of the person she both longed and feared to see the most.

"Leave, Derek!" she pleaded. "Just leave!" She felt she was going to cry, the first time in years and she didn't want Derek to be the witness of her breakdown.

"No," he refused gently but leaving no place to doubt he was going to stand by her. "We're in this together, I'm not bailing."

She looked around wildly, pushing her hair out of her face distractedly. "I'm sorry for what she told you," her breath hitched, a shudder shook her body. "I… I hate her so much for what she said to you-"

"You know?" he frowned coming closer to her. "Meredith, it's not your fault."

"Yes, it is!" she yelled when the violent gust of air came from under their feet ruffling their clothes and taking Derek by surprise. Meredith giggled wildly, inhaling deeply.

She sobered instantaneously and asked, "You wanna know why I'm like this? What happened to me?" she pointed at herself. "Ellis Grey is what happened to me, my mother happened to me."

"I was born in Seattle, I lived in Seattle with my mother and my father until I was five."

"Mer," he whispered soothingly. He wanted her to talk and open up to him but not like this, not when she was in so much pain.

"And then my parents divorced; I don't know why," she paced around with her arms around herself. "My father walked out of the house and never came back. I've never seen nor heard from him again, not once."

Derek wondered on numerous occasions why his girlfriend never mentioned her dad though the name of her mother appeared in their conversations from time to time.

"My mother took me to Boston," continued Meredith with unseeing eyes. "We both practically lived at hospital until I was old enough to stay in the house myself, to learn of course. I wasn't a child prodigy," she shrugged. "Maybe an intelligent kid but I was always buried in my books. My mother pushed me forward and forward and she was never satisfied with the notes I brought, even when they were the highest in the school. I never had any friends or boyfriends, I didn't have the time for them. And if anyone got too close to me, she would drive them away because they could only be a distraction for me."

Derek looked sadly at the suddenly small woman before him. He always complained jokingly his sisters made his life unbearable but Meredith's childhood had to be lonely and miserable.

"With my grades I was able to skip a few years and I was allowed to start college at sixteen, underage, immature and knowing very little about the real life," she snorted bitterly. "But I was free from my mother's grasp for the first time, free to do whatever I wanted. My mother assumed I reached adulthood they day she left me at the campus."

Derek studied her face feeling she was heading somewhere even darker and scarier than before down her memory lane.

"I met Addison right the first day and it immediately hit off. She comes from an overbearing home too. We properly celebrated breaking free, lots of wild parties, lots of alcohol and crack. After a few days, Addie started to wind down. I didn't. I enjoyed my so called freedom too much. I've never seen so many fucked up people in my life and I fit right in because I was even more fucked up than the rest. I discovered two things that made me forget about anything else, alcohol and sex," she stared at the wall, shame cursing in her blood. "I don't even know what my first time was, I was too drunk. And then I met a guy… at club," her voice quivered. "He wasn't a student, he was a couple of years older, he was intriguing, sexy and… apparently liked my blowjobs. Whereas I was both impressionable and impressed. He didn't care about anything else in the world either, just booze and drugs, and sex."

Was it her first relationship Meredith told him about? Derek almost dreaded the answer.

"He was the first guy that stack around and he wanted me as I was, wild and unrestrained. I followed him blindly in some liquor boosted frenzy. So I just left, nothing mattered anymore, certainly not books and studying. I left Addie, I left college just like I was standing."

She let out a small tortured laugh and sat on a metal box, "We landed in a trailer park, living mainly on sex and booze. I took all the money from my bank account and Chace brought some cash too. I learned later that he was a drug dealer but at the point I didn't give a damn. He could be a killer and I wouldn't."

"How did you get out of that?" asked Derek with astonishment crouching before her, taking her cold hands in his.

"That's when Addison comes into the picture again," sighed Meredith. "About a month after I left with Chace, she came to look for me. I was still enrolled at college and my absences started to be frowned upon. Addie found me and dragged me into her car. I must have been drunk again because I wouldn't have left on my free will. She kept me locked in our room until I sobered up. My head hurt and I threw up all the time, and everything I wanted was to get back to Chace and my liquor. Thinking was painful and every second I spent sober I felt dirty."

She trembled and choked back a sob. "Addie couldn't babysit me all the time. One day she didn't, I sneaked out to return to the trailer. I didn't see what I expected to see though. The trailer was locked up, no sign of Chace. I asked around and… they told me he was dead."

Derek moved up to take her stiff tensed form in his arms. He was sure she was crying but he couldn't tell as her face was hidden from his view by her hair.

"He… he died two days earlier. Overdosed heroin… Accidentally," she sniffed her nose. "Addie didn't have to come for me again. I got back by myself. It sobered me up like nothing else."

Derek rubbed soft soothing circles on her back. He couldn't quite believe her story, the story of a 16-year-old girl that was so lost and helpless, looking for a little affection in her life.

"I cried for days on Addie's shoulder, feeling worthless and useless. But it got better eventually, I learned to live with that," she wiped her face. "I managed to remain at college. The alcohol hadn't killed all my brain cells, I worked hard to make up for the classes I missed. By the end of the semester, I was at the top again. Like nothing happened. Only I changed, I became a superbitch relying only on herself and not able to trust anyone. I hadn't been very social before, must have taken a lot after my mother but after… I wouldn't look at anyone twice if they weren't connected with my work."

"Oh, Meredith," he sighed painfully and kissed her forehead. Addison Montgomery was his favorite person right now. Derek felt sure had Meredith stayed at that trailer another few days, she would have ended up dead like that shady Chace character. "God, you came this close to…" He couldn't get close enough to her, making sure she was safe and sound.

"Is that why your mother's so harsh with you?" he asked clearing his throat from emotion.

"Nah," she snorted. "She has no idea."

"What?" demanded Derek indignantly. "She… she didn't know her underage daughter left the campus? That she lived God knows where for a month?"

"No," Meredith shook her head. "She didn't call, she was busy at the hospital. We didn't talk that much when I lived in the house, she didn't feel she was obliged to check up on an adult."

"This is… this is…" he searched for a right word.

"Convenient," stated Meredith. "If she had the faintest idea, I wouldn't have a life."

"Still, she's your mother," he argued, horrified. "I can't imagine my mom not being there for me or any of my sisters."

Meredith pulled away from him, standing up, finally showing him her face with now red-rimmed eyes.

"I told you didn't want to know me," she whispered. "Because I'm dark and twisty inside and I come from a sick family. And I have mommy and daddy issues, which won't be resolved just like that because apparently my father replaced me with a new bright and shiny family. Who would like to be around a person like that? I won't hold it against you."

"Hold against what?" frowned Derek following her to the crate again.

"Leaving," she shrugged. "I know you're disgusted with me. Who wouldn't be?"

"Meredith," he breathed out and took her in her arms making her look into his eyes. She was in the most vulnerable state he ever saw her; she just bared her soul to him, telling him all her darkest secrets. And she thought he was going to leave her. "Meredith, I told you I wasn't bailing. I don't think any less of you after what I heard. If anything, you amaze me even more. You're stuck with me, Meredith Grey." He sent her a soft smile but she kept blinking at him insecurely brushing the remnants of tears.

"I care for you, a lot," he went on. To tell the truth, he loved her. He realized that now but he wasn't going to tell her right away. She had too many worries today, he suspected the declaration of his love would freak her out. "I need you."

He tilted her head upwards and grazed her lips delicately with his. Her eyes were still wide open, he saw that trough his half-closed ones. She was rigid in his arms, undoubtedly expecting him to jerk away suddenly. He applied more pressure at her mouth, licking it with his tongue to pry inside.

Finally, she relented with a sigh and let him kiss her like he wanted. "I need you too, so much," she moaned and hooked her hands around his neck.

They got lost in the sensuous contact until the air hit them again. Meredith squealed and jumped up in his arms. He grinned and continued kissing her, goose bumps erupting on his skin every time the wind enveloped them. He felt a strange surge of force within him. They were going to make it through everything and he would be the person she waited for all her life.

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A/N Please, comment!

In the next couple of updates, MerDer letting some people into the secret, oh and a bit more of Maddison in the following chapter.

Cheers,

Em :)