Struggling

The fur was soft beneath the gentle caress of fingers, the room around the two beings dark and slightly chilled. One sat on the others lap, its soft puffs of air blending in with the occasional purr as its form rested in content. The other, larger, form was leaning against the dark mahogany of the bed frame, face upturned to the sea of black above.

Again Xavier found that sleep eluded him, although having Mekal nearby was undeniably relaxing so he was content. Closing his azure eyes he lets out a small sigh as his thoughts re-surface, never was he left with that blissful silence he craved. He would shift occasionally as his hand continued its absent caress but now it was to distract from the discomfort of crawling under his skin. Green lurked behind his eyelids and noise hummed in his ears.

He felt the need to do something, anything to distract himself as he knew these symptoms well enough by now. Biting his lip the raven carefully shifts his cat from his lap before sliding out of bed. Moving over to the window he grabs his headphones and puts them on, after checking the time he nods and opens the glass panes. Jumping over the ledge and out onto the plush grass the teen looks up at the sky, it was relatively dark considering it was only four in the morning but the sun would rise soon enough. Wriggling his toes in the grass he walks over to the brick wall and hoists himself up onto the top, once he was standing he starts to walk.

Even if he wanted to be better he couldn't simply forget what had happened, what he's been through. Sighing he bites his lip and worries it between his teeth as the static noise in his ears gets louder, the crawling under his skin getting to a point of agitation and itchiness. Pressing down harder on his lip he sits quickly before he loses his balance, hanging his legs over the edge he rubs his palms into his eyes and takes deep breaths.

He tries to recall the date he'd just had with Vincent, tries to remember the content feeling. The way being near groups of people hadn't made him want to hide away in solitude for weeks. All attempts to pass the fit, as he called it, did sort of help but none the less he wasn't oblivious to the sensation of his stomach twisting. He needed to throw up, needed to clean himself and scrub the grit out of his skin.

"filthy, filthy, filthy,filthy,filthy,filthyfilthyfilthy" he mutters, palms pressing hard into his sockets and making dots dance across his vision. The crawling was intense now and he was shivering. He needed to shower. Now. Turning around and swinging his legs over the right way Xavier runs back to his window and vaults inside. Throwing his headphones and mp3 carelessly to the side he rushes through the house to the bathroom. He was going to be sick. Shutting the door he locks it despite the pointlessness of the action and rushes to the sink.

Throwing up the contents of his stomach the raven can't stop himself and hurls until his throat is raw and he's dry retching. It wasn't just crawling now. He could feel hands, his hands, all over him. Hid voice in his ear, taunting him. "Did you think you could be free of me? did you think you could be normal?"

Ripping his clothes off the teen gets into the shower and turns the hot water on. Grabbing the bar of soap he starts scrubbing himself even before his body is sufficiently wet. Disgusting, disgusting, disgusting. He felt like slime was all over him, like bugs were crawling under his skin. He felt tainted.

Curses tumble from his lips, voice strained and broken as his eyes tear up.

Scrubbing harder the raven barely registers the pain of his nails that scratch his skin, can't really see the way it turns pink then red with irritation. Tears form and fall out of frustration, he hated this. He thought he was getting better but these memories still haunted him. The way Denver had touched him stuck to his memories like leeches. Yet no matter how much he scrubs he can clearly see the green stain spreading over his skin. Coming to the surface like it wanted to taint everything around the raven.

He doesn't know how much time passes but soon his legs refuse to support him and he collapses to his knees, his hands to meekly trying to get rid of the sensations. Shaking he allows the soap to slip from his hands as he raises them to rub his face. He needed to stop himself before he was lost in those memories again. Think. Think. Think!

With a bit of effort Xavier is able to envision brown breaking through the green behind his lids. He imagines Vincent's eyes again, the way they looked most recently flooding with feelings. As he does the shaking dulls, the sensations fade from his attentions. Forcing himself to focus on the other Xavier remembers their date once more; the way Vincent laughed, how their hands felt together, the feeling of the others heartbeat on his back. With his breathing levelling out the raven allows his hands to move, one dropping but the other moving to his lips.

He remembered the way they kissed, the warmth that flooded him that was so different to the putrid disgust from Denver's touch, so different from the rotten kisses of Travis. Puffy eyes crinkle at the edges as the raven smiles to himself, that's right. He still had Vincent. He still had his saviour, his love. Taking deep, calming breaths Xavier looks up at the falling water and forces himself to stand. Turning off the taps he gets out and grabs a towel.

Once he's dried his sensitive skin he finds the large moisturizing bottle and spreads it over his body, knowing after the abuse it just suffered by his hand it would need it. Waiting for it to dry Xavier towels his hair until its dry then combs it. When it's done he grabs his clothes and pulls them on, trying to ignore the patches of green he could still see. After cleaning up the bathroom and washing the sink out he opens the door and as he heads to the kitchen he hears the sound of another door closing.

Regret pools in his mind as he realizes he must've woken Mason, the other had become a light sleeper and was constantly on edge. Undoubtedly the other would have heard him retching and had wanted to check on him. Sighing he combs a hand through his hair and goes over to the counter, he needed to stay distracted a little longer as the last affects of his fit subsided. Starting to get out ingredients he cuts them up and cooks them, his mind shutting off aside from the thoughts of what he was doing.

Soon enough he was done and he was sitting at the table picking at his food. He was the one who refused to go see someone about what happened but occasionally he considered it. He wanted to see if it would actually help. But he doubted talking to some random who'd likely grown up with a silver spoon would help, so in the end he'd back out. Slowly chewing on the food Xavier takes his time so as to not disturb his upset stomach too much.

He wanted to see Vincent again today, but the other was back to school, which made Xavier remind himself to put forth the thought of him going back. Mason would likely be dubious and probably highly protective but he felt the need to go back. It would help regain some normalcy anyway, and he'd be able to see the three of them easier if he did.

Nodding to himself he finishes the last of his food and looks to the time, it was ten to seven so Mason would be getting up for his shower shortly, the raven hoped the shaking in his hands would be completely gone by then. Washing up his dishes Xavier looks down at the sound of jingling and smiles when Mekal appears and rubs against his leg, the loud purrs easily heard. Giving a light huff of a laugh the raven picks the small kitten up and showers him with kisses as he walks over to the cupboard with Mekal's food. Getting it out he puts the food into a bowl and places the squirming kitten down before petting him.

After giving a last small smile he tosses the empty can and stretches. If he wanted to go to school he should make some lunches so he headed back to the counter and started cooking. Once he was done he turned to Mason who had come out halfway and took in his still damp appearance. With a small greeting Xavier leans on the counter and after fidgeting and hesitating he takes a deep breath.

"Mason I want to go to school again" He says, his azure gaze locking on aqua as his brother stiffens and his eyes become inspective. Running over his form Mason swallows his mouthful before he breaks the eye contact and sighs.

"...no" He says, voice quiet and almost inaudible for the raven. Almost but not quite.

"Why?" Xavier protests, stepping away from the bench and closer to the brunet who looks back to him with a spark in his eyes.

"Because you're still unwell Xavier, school isn't the best place to be!" He retorts, his own voice raising in volume as he slowly pushes his chair back and straightens his glasses. Obviously the incident from only an hour before fresh in his mind. "I say no so, just stay home for a while longer"

"And how much longer is that? Mason I've been stuck here for weeks!" Xavier says, pleads as he steps forward again, eyes watching as Mason stands. "I just want to get some normalcy back Mason."

"Going back to school won't help that! People will pester you! You'll feel cornered and pressured and you'll crack!" The brunet shouts now, hands clenching as he glares at the raven, seeming absolute in his choice.

"If I was so weak then I would just leave! Dammit Mason I'm getting better! I want to go!" Xavier shouts right back, his own fists clenching as he steps forward yet again, the distance between them now less than a meter.

Glaring he huffs as Mason stands resolute. Neither wanted to back down and were certain in their own choices. Growling Xavier's hand twitches, ready to shoot out and grab his brothers collar but a voice stops him. Lucia stands in the archway, hand on her hip as she clears her throat again.

"He can go Mason" She says, eyes bouncing between them as she assesses their reactions.

"But Mother he shou-" Mason begins to protest but cuts himself off by biting his lip. Fists trembling in his effort to calm down the brunet looks over to their adoptive mother. "Is it really okay for him to?" He questions, unsure but the worry in his voice was undeniable. The tone made Xavier fidget, he felt bad about shouting but he wanted to get better, and staying cooped up in this house wasn't going to help that.

"I'm sure, go get ready Xavier" Lucia answers yawning at the end as she waves at the raven before walking over to the table and sitting to eat. After a pause Mason sighs and roams his eyes over Xavier before murmuring a small agreement and sitting to finish his food.

Relaxing a bit Xavier takes a deep breath and smiles a bit as he walks to his room to get dressed. He was able to go, so now he just had to deal with the consequences of his actions. Surely Mason was right in his thoughts, people were going to corner him with questions and prod about rumours but he was prepared to deal with that. He just wanted to do what he used to before all this got to him.

After getting changed Xavier packs his bags and heads to the bathroom to apply some foundation to hide his bags. Once done he looks at his reflection and hardens his nerves. He could do this, it's the next step he needed to take. Nodding the raven picks up his bag and heads to the door where Mason waits.

"Lets go."