Chapter 4 - Logic and Feelings

Babies frequently died after birth in the settlement so it wasn't a new sight but considering the events that led to this death, it was understandable.

John had woken up at this point, he felt weak but still stood up to search for Ria. When he found her with the baby in her hands, his face lit up for an instant but realizing that it was stillborn, he fell to his knees and sobbed.

He crawled toward Ria and hugged her and they started crying together. Ria's expression was mostly blank and the only thing that could distinguish her from a doll was her heaving chest. Her mind kept blaming Ango and herself for what had happened even though he knew they were blameless, the feeling remained.

They fell asleep at some point.

Hours later, at dawn

Most had woken up and started going to their appointed places. They had to be there and start working before their overseers arrived.

Someone went over where Ango was sleeping and started gently moving him.

"Hey Ango you should wake up"

"Ango it's nearly dawn. Get up"

Ango started opening his eyes. He felt weak and he believed he had the most terrible nightmare.

"Berry?"

"Yeah, come one, we will be late"

Ango sat down with a blank expression as everything started to come back to him. He touched his back and could feel the painful scars. The pain jolted him fully awake.

'wha-… I should-…. Mom?'

He jumped to his feet. Pain filled his mind for a second which made him groan.

"MOM? MOOOM?"

"DAD?"

He started yelling and searching for his parents. Layla saw him and pointed to a spot. He hurried toward there and saw his parents looking at a baby with sad faces. There was no tear in their eyes, they didn't have any more to spare. He could see the bruises on his father's face and the scars on her mother's.

He walked toward them with uncertainty clear in his movements.

'what happened? Why is there a baby in their hands'

'I remember the bastard kicking mom. Kicking her in the stomach. In the stomach!??'

His mind raced as he remembered.

'but mom was pregnant. The baby-'

It was only now that he noticed the baby seemed lifeless. He stopped in his tracks, a few steps away from his parents.

"the- the baby di- died?" he unconsciously asked with a shaky voice.

Hearing the question, Ria and John looked up and saw their son in front of them. Ria nodded as John started getting up.

Tears started forming in Ango's eyes as he muttered with his head down "I'm sorry … it's my fault"

"It's all my fault I'm sorry"

John started walking toward him but Ango couldn't bear to raise his head to look him in the eye.

He arrived in front of his eyes, sadness swirling in his eyes but also rage and disappointment. His hands kept rising and falling, going through the motions of hugging but he stopped every time.

Ango once again muttered with a low voice "I'm sorry"

It was at this time that John finally raises his hand completely but his fists were clenched.

*SMACK

He punched Ango hard in the face and he fell down with a thud.

Other people in the house looked in the direction of the sound but when they saw what was happening, they quietly went out of the house without saying anything. Berry also left, fearing that he would be late.

Whatever was about to happen, they wouldn't get involved. The memory of what had happened last night was still fresh in their mind. They pitied the family but that was all, they didn't have the luxury of time to console and calm others.

Ango was on the ground with a startled look on his face but in the next moment his head dropped down again and muttered.

"I- I deserve this"

'I killed their baby, I killed my family, fuck this, fuck me, I'm a piece of shit'

John came upon him again, silent rage smoldering within him. He started punching Ango.

*Smack

*Smack

*Smack

Blood was running on the sides of Ango's face but he kept muttering that it was his fault. The pain was making him feel better, he felt like he was getting what he deserved. The beast of guilt that was feeding upon him a minute ago was now savoring John's fists.

Tears were streaming down John's face but he kept punching. He hated the boy in front of him

*Smack

He loved his son that was underneath him

*Smack

He wanted his son to give him what he had taken away.

*Smack

Ango's mind was reeling with different thoughts as he was punched repeatedly.

'it's my fault, I shouldn't have met up with Nina'

'NO, IT'S NOT LIKE I KNEW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN'

'How is this my fault?? It's that overseer's fault that I was late'

*SMACK

His back was burning up because it kept hitting the ground and getting scratched by the wooden floor

'No, I knew it was late but I still met up with Nina anyway'

'this is all a misunderstanding, I didn't kill my brother'

*Smack

'I could have had a brother, a brother!'

'I fucking killed my brother, HIT ME I DESERVE THIS'

"John… please stop" A weak voice suddenly muttered

John stopped before hitting Ango once again, recognizing Ria's voice.

"I don't want to lose another child" she said while slowly getting up.

a few seconds passed and a myriad of emotions passed through his eyes as John slowly got up as well, looking at Ango with sadness and rage in his eyes, he walked toward Ria. He reached her and held her in his embrace.

Ango's eyes met Ria's but he could not see the motherly love that he used to see.

'Mom? Mom? I'm still your son. Mom!'

'It wa-.. it wasn't my fault' he tried to voice his thoughts but he couldn't.

He watched as they walked away, unable to say anything.

Ango just laid there unmoving, lost in his thoughts. He wanted to turn back time, beat his past self to the death, but regret did not have a solution.

.

.