2nd July

I had a dream.

I looked around me, wondering where exactly I was. To my left were tables, desks and chairs. Beyond the desks was a wall. At the front, a blackboard. At the back, the class notice board. To my left was a window which I could see out of. The scenery was beautiful, trees that seemed below me swayed gently in the wind. The clock at the front of the class seemingly producing a soft, almost silent tick. Every second, one tick, every tick, one second passed. The classroom seemed to be empty except for myself. I looked out again, the weather seemed to be quite nice, the pavement seemed to glow orange.

It was the sunset.

Orange light streamed into the classroom, engulfing me in the gentle warmth. I sat and stared out the window, captivated by the warmth it provided. Almost like a blanket was wrapped around me, it felt so comfortable.

Tick… Tick… Tick…

I recognised the place.

The place was the classroom, the very same one I had gone to yesterday. I guess it is to be my classroom for the foreseeable future. The desks that used to be bustling with activity by other students seemed to look so isolated. It felt odd, where was I? What was I doing back in class?

I was about to get up but looked left once again.

There sat a girl, I do not know how I failed to see her previously.

She seemed familiar. She was beautiful, especially with the orange sunlight against her skin. She had blonde hair, silky blonde hair that shone like gold. Her hair was tied into a ponytail, a red ribbon tying it together. She wore the school uniform and sat there, looking down. In her hands, she held a phone, the phone had a cute pink casing, her fingernails painted ever so slightly pink. She sat neatly, she looked at her phone with such calmness my heart was at a standstill. Her blue eyes looked at her phone, almost a longing look in them.

The air was still, the room was silent except for the ticking of the clock.

I stared at her, perhaps a little too intensely. I could not keep my eyes off her, for she drew my eyes towards her. She cracked a smile and turned her head to face me. I tried to look away, but she said to me, "I. Caught. You."

She sounded almost playful as if she was playing a game of hide and go seek with me. I did not know how to react, who was she? Had we met before on any occasions?

She looked back at her phone, tapping it and scrolling with much professionalism. I tried to peek at what was on her screen. It was nothing like bad intent or perversion, I was simply curious.

The girl noticed and moved her phone away before I could see it. She stuck her tongue out at me, a sparkle in her eyes. I stopped leaning towards her, going back to my normal seating posture, my face hot. I looked down at myself, waiting for the potential verbal lashing that was to follow.

Instead, I heard gentle footsteps.

Every second a tick of the clock, every tick of the clock, a footstep.

I heard the footsteps stop in front of me. The girl lowered her upper body, hands behind her back. I was afraid to look up, I was afraid of what she might think of me if I did. I was afraid of seeing her reaction to my lame attempt at spying. I felt fingers press against my cheeks, slim fingers. Thinking about it, she was quite slim, maybe even a little thin.

My heart was beating fast as she lifted my head to face her. She looked me in the eyes, smiling prettily. I stared back, entranced by her. Blue eyes, eyes as clear as the sky, as deep as the sea, as clear as ice. I was unable to tear my sight off her eyes alone.

Thankfully, she stepped back and pulled her phone out, tapping it.

I waited, not looking away from her. The girl tapped her chin and showed me her phone. On the screen, a little too close to my face, was something odd. An advertisement on social media, I think it was Instagram. An advertisement of a theme park that was soon to be opened in town. I read through it, it sounded fun, but in honesty, I doubted I would ever be able to enjoy such events. I leaned back, the light from the phone hurting my eyes. She smiled apologetically and pointed at her phone excitedly, bouncing on the balls of her feet.

I wanted to shake my head, I wanted to say no, but seeing her, I hesitated. A girl like her, a girl like her was way too good for me. Therefore, I would be an idiot to refuse such a request.

Being stuck in the hospital for most of my life, I never partook in anything like going to a theme park. It was going to be my first ever experience. I nodded, and the girl jumped with joy, hopping to her seat, picking up her bag and reaching out. I looked at her outstretched hand. The sunset surrounded her with orange light, leaving me in her shadow. I hesitantly reached out and held her hand. She smiled once again and pulled me to my feet before running out of the classroom. I could only vaguely remember, the next thing I knew, we were in the courtyard of the school.

She was laughing loudly in the wind, at least, I assumed so. I heard nothing of her laugh, but I could see the absolute joy on her face. She held my hand as we ran towards the gate of the school. She pointed forward.

Were we to go to the theme park instantly? But it had yet to open.

I hesitated, stopping where I was. The girl stopped too, looking back at me, worried. Or what I assumed to be worry.

My hesitation sent a clear message to her, 'not today'.

Luckily, the girl managed to pick up on it. She nodded, looking at the ground, almost dejected. She looked at me with sad puppy eyes, but I steeled myself, the advertisement mentioned it was not to open until a week after. I was not going to go over and see her even more dejected face as she realised the park was not opened. She looked back at the gate, then held my hand in both of hers. She inches closer to me while tugging my arm ever so slightly.

I pulled my arm back. I needed to be the bigger man.

She stared at her own outstretched arms, a blank look on her face. She blinked, and I saw tears build up. Should I just give in? She made me feel like giving in and going with her. Maybe I could walk her home.

She stepped closer and hugged me, I could feel her shiver. I did not wrap my arms around her, it felt odd, it was weird. She said something, her voice muffled by my clothes. But I could understand her clear as day.

'Let's go next time'.

I wanted to reply, I wanted to comfort her. However, all that really mattered was what she had just said. For someone like me, it was already considered lucky to be able to talk to a girl like her. A loser like me had nothing to do with a beauty like her. However, the promise of a 'next time' made my heart race. It meant that we would once again meet, and once again have the opportunity to talk.

I wanted to say yes, but I could not find my voice. The sun was setting, it was getting dark. The dark was dangerous, huh?

She seemed to have understood, she looked up at me with a teary smile.

'Why don't we go on another day? How about the thirty-first of July?'

The thirty-first of July, sure, why not? I was free, there was nothing else for me to do anyways. Was there anything else I could wish for? If we went to the theme park together, who knows? We might end up looking like a couple. Maybe we could take a few photos, and have some food together, have fun. Fun, huh, don't think I had fun before. If I could go with a girl like her, I think it would the happiest day of my life.

Call me superficial to like a girl off her looks. I had been stuck in a bed for a year up until recently, I missed much, and I missed the chance to form any kind of a relationship with people my age. Even as a friend, I would have been happy.

My eyes flew open.

I sat up in my bed, clutching my chest, trying to calm down my racing heart. I took a few deep breaths and slowed down my own heartbeat. I pushed the blanket off me and stood on my two feet. I walked towards the switch beside my room's door and flicked it on, the room being lit up. I looked around for a few seconds before walking out of the room. The living room was dark, scarily dark, some might say. The light streaming from behind me was the only indication that I wasn't staring into the void. Outside the light from my room, I could not see anything else, as if the moonlight had been completely blocked off.

I hesitated, but still took a step forward, into the darkness. The moment I did, everything seemed much clearer to me, the darkness was probably just my imagination. I turned the lights of the living room on and headed towards the bathroom.

I finished my business and walked out, feeling refreshed. I was in the living room, staring at the black screen of the television. When was the last time I actually watched a television programme?

Meow.

I looked down, and there she was. A cat, my family's cat, Meilyn. She looked at me with her sharp eyes. I squatted and rubbed the back of her neck. Maybe she was hungry, was there anything I could feed her with?

She ducked from under my arm and rubbed her head against my leg. I poked her, warning her against rubbing my leg. She was stubborn, continuing to do anything she wanted. She jumped at me, hanging onto my pants before letting go, falling to the ground. I rubbed her belly and helped her onto her feet.

Meilyn walked off.

"You're already awake?" I heard my mother ask from behind me. "Did you have trouble sleeping?"

"Not at all," I replied.

I looked around, Meilyn nowhere to be seen. My mother stood there, adjusting the bracelet around her right wrist, dressed for work. She nodded towards the dining table, where there was a plate. "Well, breakfast is ready. I heard from your father that you didn't like yesterday's breakfast."

"Yeah," I replied, standing up. "Don't think I liked it."

The plate there, had it always been there?

My mother nodded and walked up to me, patting my cheek before walking off. She put on her shoes and said over her shoulder, "I'll be off now."

"Have a safe day." I told her as she walked off.

I sat down at the dining table, staring at my meal. My mother had fried a couple of eggs and sausage, two eggs and one sausage, childishly arranged like a smiling face. I reached out and grabbed the fork and knife that happened to conveniently be beside the plate. I dragged the plate closer to my body and raised the knife. The yolk of the eggs was yellow, strikingly so. Were yolks always so yellow? So bright?

I pressed my knife against one of them, and the knife sunk in like there was nothing at all. The yolk, previously looking like an orb of sunlight, leaked. Like yellow lava, it flowed, staining the whites of the yolk and sinking into the sausage. I stabbed my fork into a part of the egg white and cut a piece, the egg white dripping with the remains of the yolk. I opened my mouth and put on my tongue, letting the flavour sink in before chewing and swallowing.

I looked around, I felt awfully thirsty for some reason and wanted some water.

My father was there, placing a glass of water in front of me. This time, he was in his work clothes, and he was checking the time on his watch. Had he gotten out while I was concentrated on eating? That was fast of him.

"So early today?" I asked him.

"Yeah, my boss wanted me to arrive early." My dad told me, still looking at his watch.

There was nothing wrong with it, but he stared at it, transfixed. Was there something about the watch I did not understand? I did not bother to look at it, maybe my father was just really fixated on the time. I put my fingers on the glass and lifted it to my lips. I felt the cold glass against my bottom lip as I let the water into my mouth, washing away the previous taste of the eggs.

I placed the glass down, and my father was at the door, a bag slung over his shoulder. He put his shoes on and told me, "I'll be heading out now."

"Have a safe day," I told him as he walked off.

I looked back at my plate.

Soon, I was at the door, and I was putting my shoes on. I grabbed my bag and slung it over my shoulders, wearing the school uniform. I looked back, saying, "I'll be going off now."

I paused. There was no one to wish me a safe day, or a good day, huh? I shrugged and closed the door, pulling out the keys and locking the door before walking off. I walked down the stairs of the apartment, every step seemingly sending a tremor up the bones of my legs. I held the old and rusty railings as I made my way down.

On the bus, nothing eventful happened.

At school, I sat in my seat.

There were so many people around me, students walking past me. Something felt odd, despite how many people there were, the class felt so empty. No one approached me, no one talked to me, and I talked to no one. There was no point in me making friends, because sooner or later, I would get sick again, and transfer out, maybe even die. I shouldn't make people feel that way, they did nothing to deserve having to go through a friend's death.

I noticed a large group of girls gathering to my left. Lessons had yet to start, so many of them were walking around. To them, I did not exist, why would I? However, despite all the girls, only one stood out. It was not that the other girls were ugly or anything, just that a single girl outshone the rest.

I glanced to check out the noise before looking back at my desk. Around the class, many people were also glancing in her direction.

From what I could tell, the girl was basically the queen of the class, and for whatever reason, I was seated beside her, I did not know. Was it some lucky strike for me? Or was it the role of fate taking place?

I lowered my head, not wanting to stand out to the boys staring at her.

The girl herself, from what I could tell, seemed unaffected by others. She sat there, nodding and smiling at the other girls. She smiled prettily, laughed prettily, moved prettily, almost like a doll. Like she was handcrafted by God himself, to look like the perfect human. She had blonde hair and blue eyes, and she was pretty social with the other students in class. Someone that popular, I had nothing to do with her, I should just stay away.

I tried to get through the day without me standing out. The only way to live my life, the only option I had.

Sometime during the day, I accidentally dropped an eraser without noticing. Granted, I was trying to decipher the math equation on the board, so I had not noticed when my elbow knocked it off the desk.

"Hey." I heard.

Her voice was clear and cheerful. I turned slowly, almost not wanting to know of anything bad I did. I was ready to apologise, and the entire class watched us. The teacher had stopped to watch, the students had all stopped to watch. She extended a hand, eraser in her hand as she smiled at me.

"You dropped this." She said.

I hesitantly reached my left arm out, afraid of any tricks she had. That a girl like her would speak to someone like me, even if it was an act of kindness like picking up an eraser.

"Thank you." I told her, my voice coming off as timid and soft.

I took the eraser from her hand, my fingers coming in contact with her hand for a brief moment. It was soft, her hands were soft, were hands always that soft? I looked back in front, embarrassed.

The teacher had continued the class as if nothing happened, the students continued listening to the lesson as if nothing happened. We're their heads not just looking in our direction? Or was it my imagination? No one seemed to have noticed, or were they acting?

"You're welcome." The girl told me once again.

I swallowed my saliva. She seemed to not be paying attention to the lesson, she seemed focused on me, why? I looked at my desk, the eraser on the desk as if nothing had happened to begin with. I turned to look at the girl, she was focused in class, looking in front at the math teacher, not paying me any mind. I looked to the front too, I was overthinking things, there was no way.

During the lunch break, I was sitting at my seat as per usual, having just taken my medicine. The students around me moved, I felt ever so isolated in a crowded area.

Someone slung their arm over my shoulder. I looked to my right, surprised. His arm felt heavy, or was it that I was too weak? The guy was pretty tall, taller than me. His face was hazy, probably the aftereffects of having taken the medicine. I think his eyes were red and was his hair red? I'll just pass it off as red, I'll call him Red since I did not know his name.

Red was standing, rather, semi-squatting beside me, a smile on his face. He looked me in the eyes, a confident smile on his face. His smile was different from the girl's for he was much more boastful than encouraging. He was pretty slim, but compared to my bony self, he looked pretty built.

"I saw you eyeing." He told me, leaning closer, his eyes gesturing to my left.

I glanced at where his line of sight was, he was gesturing to the girl beside me. I quickly looked back in front of me, Red laughing and patting my back. He said in a soft voice, "It makes sense, most of the guys in class are smitten anyway."

Around us, it was like the world had stopped. It was only the two of us, in the little conversation we were having. Red seemed to have approached me for some reason, but why? The students seemed to have stopped moving? It was probably my imagination, and did the medicine have hallucination effects?

Red seemed undisturbed, continuing the conversation.

"Hey, you're pretty new here." He told me, a friendly smile on his face. "Why don't we get along? I know quite a bit about the school anyways."

He extended a hand as if wanting a handshake. I stared at his hand, hesitating. Should I be shaking his hand? But it felt dangerous in a sense like I was making a deal with the Devil. I did not need friends, but I had no reason to reject them if they approached me.

"What's wrong?" Red asked.

I shook my head. "No, nothing."

I extended a hand of my own and shook his hand. He gripped my hand firmly like a businessman would. He looked me in the eyes and said, "Let's get along."

The next thing I knew, he had walked off, disappearing into the crowd of now moving students. I rubbed my eyes, was I okay? Was the medicine making me high or something? Also, why did that guy have red hair and red eyes? Did the school allow students to dye their hair and wear coloured contacts? Apparently so.

School ended, and I walked out.

The day had felt long, longer than any before. A long day of school, was it supposed to be that long? I remember hearing how some adults would mention how short their school days were, and how much they missed them. In my opinion, I doubt I would remember my school days fondly if at all.

The bus ride home was uneventful.

I reached home, the time was around two to three hours before my parents would return. I went to take a shower and sat on my bed, cooling off. I barely ate today, breakfast, and I think an energy bar, but that was it. I looked at my skinny arms, I wanted to fatten up, but it wasn't too easy either. I pulled out the phone I barely used and went on the internet.

I typed in the search function, 'How to fatten myself?'

One of the results was a no-brainer. Eat more often, of course, I needed to eat to gain weight. Drink milk, I guess that would help. I looked through the article I found, a soft tapping of my phone filling the room. I could fatten myself by binging on doughnuts, but I guess my parents would not support that, regarding my already failing health and all. They do recommend that I eat more food that are healthier for me.

I thought about it. Maybe I could have some as snacks when I get home. I went over to my fridge and opened it. There were a few bottles of water, but otherwise, it was mostly for decoration. I scoured through it, finding a few sausages and some broccoli. Maybe the broccoli could help, but honestly, I would rather have something slightly more calorie heavy.

I gave up on that thought, I should probably mention it to my parents.

That night, I did. My mother listened to me, my father already coming up with plans. They recommended that I follow them to the supermarket on the upcoming Sunday when they had the day off. I nodded in reply, looking at the meal in front of me, another variation of takeout food. I could not seem to remember what it was, a vague blur.

Before I knew it, I was once again in my room. The lights were shining at full power as I looked at the object before me. A pencil, I was using a pencil to sketch another pencil. I found it ironic and funny, in my own sense of humour.

Not long after, I looked at the clock and got into bed. It has been a long day, a very long day indeed. I pulled the blanket over me, feeling cold despite there being no air condition. Maybe if I had some fat on me, I would not be that cold. I stared into the darkness before closing my eyes.

Beep… Beep… Beep…

The familiar sound of the heart rate monitor sounded. It reminded me of my time in the hospital, it helped calm me down, for I knew that if it went too fast, I was in trouble.

After some time, by luck, that noise would fade, and I could experience being a normal human once again.

Beep… Beep… Beep…