18 out of 20 tails
Sympathetic shopkeeper MS ALICE COCKLE is arguing with giving hairdresser MS MAUREEN GREENWAY. ALICE tries to hug MAUREEN but she shakes her off.
ALICE
Please Maureen, don't leave me.
MAUREEN
I'm sorry Alice, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.
ALICE
I am such a person!
MAUREEN frowns.
MAUREEN
I'm sorry, Alice. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
MAUREEN leaves.
ALICE sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, intelligent navigator DR FLORA TORRANCE barges in looking flustered.
ALICE
Goodness, Flora! Is everything okay?
FLORA
I'm afraid not.
ALICE
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
FLORA
It's ... a mugger ... I saw an evil mugger punch a bunch of children!
ALICE
Defenseless children?
FLORA
Yes, defenseless children!
ALICE
Bloomin' heck, Flora! We've got to do something.
FLORA
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
ALICE
You can start by telling me where this happened.
FLORA
I was...
FLORA fans herself and begins to wheeze.
ALICE
Focus Flora, focus! Where did it happen?
FLORA
St Michael's Mount, Cornwall! That's right - St Michael's Mount, Cornwall!
ALICE springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
ALICE rushes along the street, followed by FLORA. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
EXT. ST MICHAEL'S MOUNT, CORNWALL - SHORTLY AFTER
RACHEL GODFREY a sinister mugger terrorises two children.
ALICE, closely followed by FLORA, rushes towards RACHEL, but suddenly stops in her tracks.
FLORA
What is is? What's the matter?
ALICE
That's not just any old mugger, that's Rachel Godfrey!
FLORA
Who's Rachel Godfrey?
ALICE
Who's Rachel Godfrey? Who's Rachel Godfrey? Only the most sinister mugger in the universe!
FLORA
Blinkin' knickers, Alice! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most sinister mugger in the universe!
ALICE
You can say that again.
FLORA
Blinkin' knickers, Alice! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most sinister mugger in the universe!
ALICE
I'm going to need razors, lots of razors.
Rachel turns and sees Alice and Flora. She grins an evil grin.
RACHEL
Alice Cockle, we meet again.
FLORA
You've met?
ALICE
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young ALICE is sitting in a park listening to some piano music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.
She looks up and sees RACHEL. She takes off her headphones.
RACHEL
Would you like some toffees?
ALICE's eyes light up, but then he studies RACHEL more closely, and looks uneasy.
ALICE
I don't know, you look kind of sinister.
RACHEL
Me? No. I'm not sinister. I'm the least sinister mugger in the world.
ALICE
Wait, you're a mugger?
ALICE runs away, screaming.
EXT. ST MICHAEL'S MOUNT, CORNWALL - PRESENT DAY
RACHEL
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
FLORA
(To ALICE) You ran away?
ALICE
(To FLORA) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
ALICE turns to RACHEL.
ALICE
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
ALICE runs away.
She turns back and shouts.
ALICE
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with razors.
RACHEL
I'm not scared of you.
ALICE
You should be.
INT. HAMSTEAD HEATH, LONDON - LATER THAT DAY
ALICE and FLORA walk around searching for something.
ALICE
I feel sure I left my razors somewhere around here.
FLORA
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly razors.
ALICE
You know nothing Flora Torrance.
FLORA
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, RACHEL appears, holding a pair of razors.
RACHEL
Looking for something?
FLORA
Crikey, Alice, she's got your razors.
ALICE
Tell me something I don't already know!
FLORA
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
ALICE
I know that already!
FLORA
I bite my toenails.
RACHEL
(appalled) Dude!
While RACHEL is looking at FLORA with disgust, ALICE lunges forward and grabs her deadly razors. He wields them, triumphantly.
ALICE
Prepare to die, you sinister turnip!
RACHEL
No please! All I did was punch a bunch of children!
MAUREEN enters, unseen by any of the others.
ALICE
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those children were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Alice Cockle defender of innocent children.
RACHEL
Don't hurt me! Please!
ALICE
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these razors on you right away!
RACHEL
Because Alice, I am your mother.
ALICE looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.
ALICE
No you're not!
RACHEL
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
RACHEL tries to grab the razors but ALICE dodges out of the way.
ALICE
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, RACHEL slumps to the ground.
FLORA
Did she just faint?
ALICE
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly razors.
ALICE crouches over RACHEL's body.
FLORA
Be careful, Alice. It could be a trick.
ALICE
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Rachel Godfrey is dead!
ALICE
What?
ALICE
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.
FLORA claps her hands.
FLORA
So your razors did save the day, after all.
MAUREEN steps forward.
MAUREEN
Is it true? Did you kill the sinister mugger?
ALICE
Maureen how long have you been...?
MAUREEN puts her arm around ALICE.
MAUREEN
Long enough.
ALICE
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Rachel Godfrey.
MAUREEN
Then the children are safe?
ALICE
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable children enter, looking relived.
MAUREEN
You are their hero.
The children bow to ALICE.
ALICE
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Rachel Godfrey will never punch children ever again, is enough for me.
MAUREEN
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the children passes ALICE a wooden ring
MAUREEN
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
ALICE
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
ALICE
Well, if you insist.
ALICE takes the ring.
ALICE
Thank you.
The children bow their heads once more, and leave.
ALICE turns to MAUREEN.
ALICE
Does this mean you want me back?
MAUREEN
Oh, Alice, of course I want you back!
ALICE smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
ALICE
Well you can't have me.
MAUREEN
WHAT?
ALICE
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a mugger to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
MAUREEN
But...
ALICE
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Flora.
FLORA grins.
MAUREEN
But...
FLORA
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
MAUREEN
Alice?
ALICE
I'm sorry Maureen, but I think you should skidaddle.
MAUREEN leaves.
FLORA turns to ALICE.
FLORA
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
ALICE
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly FLORA stops.
FLORA
When I said I bite my toenails, you know I was just trying to distract the mugger don't you?
THE END