THIS BOOK IS DEAD

~~ Jack P.O.V ~~

It all happened so quickly.

One moment, I was there reading some self insert fan fiction on Spacebattles, enjoying my off brand cheerios, and the next moment it was all black.

Like, legit everything was black. I couldn't even see my bod...

'HOLY SHIT I CAN'T SEE MY BODY!'

Everything was gone from my scalp down to my toes. But I could still feel everything there clear as day.

'Lets see here.. The foot bone is connected to the - leg bone, the leg bone is connect..'

I was cut off from making sure all of me was there by a big voice coming straight out of nowhere.

"AHAHAHHHHHHA"

uhhhhhhh-

"HOLY SHIT YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN HOW YOU DIED" the voice said trying to get himself under control, but utterly failing at it "YOUR FACE, OH MY ROB AHHHHAHAHA"

hhhhhhhhhhh

"Ok?" was my eloquent response to the thing that could probably wipe my face off the earth with a single fart - just *toot* then I'm scattered to the wind, my last thoughts probably something along the lines of screaming in rage and wondering how in the hell he could have done something like that with a single fart. Like seriously this man looks like an absolute unit, and that beard though, my god

"GOD DAMN THAT WAS FUNNY HAHAAA Hoo wee well then mortal, I guess you're wondering who I am aren't you?" the voice said, in a normal tone. What? do you think all cosmic entities have big booming thicc boy voices? I think the fuck not

God? no that wouldn't be right, I don't see any shiny white lights that blind whoever is looking at them, uhhh a ROB? sure lets go with that

"ROB?"

"Hmm... Close enough I guess. I have been sent here to judge you on your past, y'know - heaven, hell, reincarnation as a dildo, all that shenanigans" He pulls out a small red crystal ball from who the hell knows where "Put your hand on this crystal ball, It'll tell me your options for the afterlife"

So I did what he asked, right hand on the ball, simple enough right?

...

...

...

"Ok what hell is supposed to be happening here?" I say with some irritation in my voice

I look up at his face and see him trying to not laugh but failing so hard that he looked like a raisin and Deadpool's lovechild

...

"This isn't what I'm supposed to do is it?" I asked with ill concealed annoyance. At that point he bursts out laughing like a drunk man hearing a knock knock joke for the 12th time

"HAAAAHAHAAAA THAT NEVER GETS OLD HOOOOOO" he cackles, catching his breath "Jeez I love doing that to you mortals, I regret nothing, anyway the real thing you need to do is fill out some paperwork - age, name, social security number, the works, you know how it goes"

"What happening right now, I'm so confused"

"Thats what all mortals say, come on now" He snaps and everything becomes clear. No longer are we standing in a deep, dank, black void, but now in a nice looking square room with hallways branching from the four sides with countless doors reaching as far as I could see. A desk sat in the middle, which I could only assume belonged to the being in front of me.

The bearded man - He never gave me a definite answer as to what he was - sat me down at a desk in the corner and handed me a couple foot tall stack of paperwork.. paperwork that I had to fill out

"Good luck" he says with a wink and walks to his seat in the middle of the room and falls asleep instantly

I take the chance to take a deep breath and find out what the hell was happening. First of all - I had died somehow, someway. I was literally just sitting in my room eating my cerea....

"I DID NOT JUST DIE FROM OFF BRAND CHEERIOS" I shouted in realization and slight anger

"Shut up and fill out the paperwork.. silly mortal" the bearded man says snickering

"..."

I had died from a fucking cheerio... a CHEERIO

This was not how I was expecting to die y'know. I thought maybe I would be blessed by truck-sama or die of old age. Definitely not as a 23 year old virgin from choking on a little piece of processed oats and sugars.

God dammit man

I look over at the paperwork in front of me and I groan silently - because y'know, *toot* and awaaaay I go.

(about 6.434 hours later)

"Holy shit finally. Why the fuck would they want to know what hairstyle I had when I was 8?"

Just then the bearded man wakes up, convenient timing much?

"Finished? Finally, I was getting tired sleeping for a moment, alright lemme see here" he says looking over the finished paperwork

"Hmmm, well then this guarantees you 4 wishes and the choice of which universe you want to get reborn in, chop chop lets go"

"Hold it, 4 wishes?? isn't that a lot?" I asked, confused. Why would I get 4 wishes? not that I'm complaining

"We've had someone come through here and gain nearly 34 wishes one time, 4 isn't really that many, maybe above average"

Holy shit, 34??? I don't want to run into them any time soon...

"But all he did with those wishes was to wish his dick longer 1 inch every time. Died from blood loss 2 minutes after being reborn into a doujin universe. Stupid douche" he says nonchalantly "Now come on, make your wishes, need to guide more souls into the afterlife and all that"

Uh well lets see here..

"I guess first of all would be I want to be reborn into the Naruto Universe, those fireballs and spinning balls of doom always looked cool"

"Ok, wishes?"

"Well I guess first of all I want to be reborn with my memories, uhhhhhh" I think for a second "Second I want to be born around Amegakure as an Uzumaki about 2 years before Konan, Nagato, and Yahiko" never said I couldn't compile my wishes hehehe "Third I want to have a system with subshops I can unlock, a status page, all that junk" lets think about this last one..

"Fourth.. well I guess I just wanna have fun"

The bearded man gives me a wry smile

"Well then, off you go" he waves

Next thing I know I'm falling to the ground

*BEEP*

*SYSteM INstALing*

"Why me though?" I say as I hit terminal velocity