Because I Cannot Hurt You

A tear escaped her eye as Han Xinyi stared at a certain report in a daze. Her hands were trembling as she held the papers, and she read it over and over again until the words finally sunk in.

In a trance, Han Xinyi got up and unlocked a drawer. She took out her diary and turned the page to today's date. The tip of the pen pressed on to the page, and she began writing with quivering hands.

'I…I am pregnant.'

Then she stopped. The pen slipped from her hand. Just writing that one sentence felt as if it sapped all the strength from her.

A few minutes later, Han Xinyi held the pen again and continued.

'Seven days back, I learned that I am pregnant. And once again, I ask myself the same question. I...Isn't it supposed to be good news? I am carrying Zhiyuan's child. He is my husband and the man I love and who I hold so dear to my heart. Shouldn't I be happy?'

She clutched the pen and began sobbing. From her eyes, the tears fell onto the blank page.

'But why? Why does it feel so suffocating? Why am I thinking of not wanting this child? This child would make our marriage complete, wouldn't it?'

Complete…

Ah…in the eyes of the world, the marriage would indeed look complete, isn't it?

A look of desolation passed her teary eyes. She knew why she was having second thoughts about her child. She would have been so happy with her pregnancy if everything hadn't messed up that night.

Yes. The fateful night that changed everything for her.

The fateful night that broke apart everything in her.

'I know. I know so well that what happened is not this child's fault. I am so wrong in even thinking about this. He has got nothing to do with it. But still, it's so hard. I cannot get it out of my mind. I am trying. I try every day. Every single day...' Han Xinyi softly gasped, 'I pretend to act as if nothing happened. But, I just cannot forget it.'

'That moment when Zhiyuan…' Han Xinyi stopped again. She didn't have the courage to write that incident in her diary.

Not again.

Even if the diary was her best friend, even if she had shared so many memories, feelings and secrets with it over the past years, she couldn't relive what happened by writing it once again.

She had already poured all of her feelings on that night itself when her life changed forever. She had let out every single emotion that she once had and all those that got killed in just one fell swoop.

Now, her heart was as blank as this page in front of her.

Han Xinyi smiled with a grimace.

'That moment is so vivid in my mind that perhaps it would never let me live in peace. And this child is a constant reminder of that dreaded moment. I-I don't want to look at my child and go back to the past. But that is just what is happening every time I think of him or her, and I...cannot take it anymore.'

She covered her mouth and cried for a long time. 

'Why did it have to happen to me? What did I do so wrong? Will I be able to love my child?'

'This question haunts me from the moment I learned the news. First, that memory came back like a dam breaking apart in full force, the memory I was desperately trying to forget, and then I began to question myself if I can give my child the love it deserves?'

'Will I be a good mother?'

Her lips trembled. 'Will I hate my child?'

Han Xinyi took out another paper from the drawer and slowly read through it. It was an appointment letter.

City X Hospital.

Patient name - Han Xinyi.

Age - 24.

Blood type - O +ve.

Attending gynecologist - Dr. Wu Lili.

Any medical conditions - None.

Fetus status - Stable.

Then she read the last line.

Appointment for abortion - 20th November 2017. Time: 11:00 AM.

She picked up her pen again, feeling numb from within.

'Tomorrow... tomorrow it will end. The life inside me will cease to…' tears streamed down her cheeks, 'exist. Tomorrow, I will be free from this vicious pain forever. But strangely enough, it is still hurting me.'

'It hurts me if I think of giving birth to this child. It kills me to feel that it wouldn't be there anymore inside me. So, what should I do! I don't know!'

The pressure with which she wrote those words into the page asserted her frustration and the feeling of her heart being torn apart and shredded into pieces. Every stroke imprinted in between the lines expressed her grief of how much she hated to stand on the crossroads that led her to two different paths.

'I want this child. No, I don't want this child.'

'I want to give birth. No, I want to kill him.'

'I want to show him the world. No, it will destroy my world instead.'

'I want to love my child. But, I think I will hate him.'

That was the endless loop in which she felt she was stuck for the last seven days.

She just didn't want her to become her child's enemy. And the appointment letter in her hands was the only solution she could think of. 

Han Xinyi lowered her head. She blankly gazed at her flat belly for a long time. She imagined the existence of that tiny life inside her. Her fingers were trembling as she cried hard.

'Please, somebody help me. I don't want to kill him so...please...please somebody stop me…'