Chapter 28: Fatal Distractions

Well folks this book is starting to die but Oh well. I guess we'll burn off the next few chapters then end the book. On a good note a new book is still in the making and will hopefully be up by April. But 1000 ways to die will end at the end of next month. Anyways on with the deaths.

Date: April 8, 1996

Location: Laos

Ting was hired by the Southeast Asian drug lords to protect their opium. Ting has a way to treat trespassers by decapitate them without showing any remorse. He would display their severed heads on his posts as a warning for upcoming potential poachers/trespassers. One day, Ting receives a word/call from somebody that a couple more poachers/trespassers, who are being initiated, are out. Ting prepares his machete, hops on his ATV and chases the two wannabe drug smugglers. In the heat of the chase, the two wannabe drug smugglers hide and Ting turns his speeder around, but he forgets one important thing; the barbed-wire fence that he installed a few days earlier. As his speeder drives through the fence, the top wire of the fence ironically decapitates Ting, sending him to hell for his crimes.

Way To Die #507: Motercykilled

Date: June 3, 2006

Location: Astoria, Oregon

A couple of stoners, Joe and Charlie, created a bong out of clay, the Claymaker 420. Along with using weed and smoke, they used flavor disks to flavor the weed; chopped bacon, coffee-dipped paper, orange peels, any flavor. After they finished their creation, all they had to do was to bake it into a kiln. Their female friend had one in her backyard, and she put the bong in the kiln. After she turned on the propane, all three of them smoke cannabis. Over time, Joe and Charlie went to see how the kiln was doing. After noticing that the kiln's flame was out, all they had to do was to light a match to warm it up. Instead, the lit up match turns the bong into a bomb, and turns the clay into deadly shrapnel, and the resulting explosion kills the two stoners. Their female friend was not only shocked and a little scared, but also a little bummed.

Way To Die #243: Stoned Out

Date: January 19, 2018

Location: San Diego, CA

Big Mike was a man who loved eating, especially at buffets. Big Mike then walked into an All You Can Eat Chinese buffet. He then went on binge eating Chinese food, which was loaded with MSG (Monosodium glutamate), a flavor enhancing chemical which is normally harmless but has been researched into its potential to result in people eating to excess.

Devouring any food he could get his hands on, Big Mike stopped only once when he was choking after a fifth plate of spare ribs. The owner of the buffet, however, saved him from choking and he resumed eating. After he was done stuffing his face, Mike did not pay the owner a tip and grabbed a bunch of fortune cookies to eat, and the owner told him to leave.

While leaving, Mike suffered from a sudden heart attack caused by the sheer amount of food and MSG he had gorged on. As he fell, the back of his head struck the ground, cracking his skull open like the shell of an egg. The owner of the restaurant approached and attempted to wake him up, but it was already too late.

Way To Die #159: Foo-die

Date: September 12, 2009

Location: Redwood City, CA

Is there anything sweeter than welcoming a new life into this world? No, there isn't. And you won't find it on this show. The episode begins where Barnaby is decorating a room getting ready for his first born when really... the baby is Barnaby. He and his wife Candela have done a baby adult role playing for their fetish. One day, Barnaby throws a tantrum, throws his teddy bear out of his crib, and tries to get it back; but instead, because of him shaking the crib too much, the drop side part of the crib fell down onto his neck severing his cervical vertebrae which caused him to lose the ability to control his diaphragm and stops breathing (a real reason why the government outlawed drop side cribs) and no one was there to witness Barnaby's death.

Way To Die #239: Crib Your Enthusiasm

Date: August 17, 2020

Location: Mojave National Park

Mr. and Mrs. Chow were out in the Mojave Park to look for animals. However, they weren't there to sketch wildlife. They were there to poach animals and sell them to illegal markets. When they spot a rare turtle, they think it would make a quick one-thousand dollars. Before Mr. Chow could grab the turtle, a bald eagle swoops down out of nowhere and picks the turtle up with its talons. The eagle tries to break the turtle's shell by dropping it at high altitude, but the turtle end up lands on Mr. Chow's head, breaking through his skull and sending him into cardiac arrest. Meaning if one didn't kill him, the other did, thus sending him to Hell as he deserved. This ends up leaving his now-widowed wife, Mrs. Chow, screaming in horror. Miraculously, the turtle survives the fall and crawls away.

Way To Die #929: Turtle Shelled

Date: July 21, 2010

Location: Spokane, WA

On July 21, 2008, Spokane, WA., Sheila, the executive of a mediocre savings-and-loans house, is neighbors with Marty, the environmentalist who makes his own fertilizer with his own fecal matter. But she hates him. Due to the stress of her job, Sheila is a dirt eater. And what closer dirt is there than Marty's dirt. In other words, Sheila eats Marty's mix until 3 days later and dies from a H.U.S. (Hemolytic-uremic syndrome) due to E.coli poisoning and a ruptured colon caused by the bacteria.

Way To Die #282: Potty Mouth

Date: May 1, 1998

Location: San Francisco, CA

Freda is the misandristic, sadistic, hateful, psychotic, delusional, Machiavellian, ruthless and sociopathic leader of a fringe feminist party and hate group known as the Centuries of Womyn (COW for short), who are notorious for their sexually violent crimes against men. Freda likely had a plan to perform gendercide, to wipe out men for good.

She returns home from a seminar to find a vibrator from her lesbian lover, unaware that it's really a 1000-kilovolt taser that resembles a vibrator. (The COW members referred to the taser as a "manswer")

After inserting it into herself and activating it, the taser electrocutes Freda, causing her to go into cardiac arrest, finally shutting her sadistic mouth up, and sending the extremely unlikable and evil feminist leader to Hell where she belongs.

Hopefully, this will mark the beginning of the end for the COWs.

Way To Die #342: Die-brator