Divine Intervention

The next day Theo came.

I told him before about the boy who broke my heart. We thoroughly discussed our pasts. He was understanding about the need for closure. Especially since the ending of the relationship was rather abrupt...to say the least.

"Hm..." he said smelling the air as he entered. "I don't like the smell of another man's cologne in here..."

"Sorry, love." I smiled weakly. I felt a little guilty for that dance. He turned to look at me as I leaned against the kitchen counter with my arms folded watching him cautiously.

"I know you needed to talk to him, but I still don't like it." He frowned coming in close to kiss me.

"No," I said, " I think I needed this." Kissing him as he pulled me in by the waist. I wrapped my arms around his neck and sighed as I pulled away.

"Thank you for trusting me." I smiled.

"Of Course." He shrugged, " I know that sometimes you need closure."

I pulled away skeptically.

"You're not... cheating on me are you?" I asked. Why else would he be so calm? If he would have said he was uncomfortable I wouldn't have ever seen R—-. No matter what he was my priority.

His eyes softened slightly, "No, I just know when you lie and that you're terrible at it. So if you tell me nothing happened, if you tell me you are just checking on someone you love, I trust you." He smiled and I smiled too.

He pulled me in again to kiss me and I let go of my inhibitions on whim. His kiss grew a little deeper and I knew where we were headed. Despite the throbbing ache I felt with R—-, I liked the painless wanton feeling I could have satisfied by Theo more. I put my hand in his hair as he lifted me onto the countertop. My tshirt dress barely covering the tops of my thighs.

I put my hands on his belt and began working the buckle.

" I thought we were having pancakes," he joked against my lips.

"They can wait five minutes..." I whispered breathlessly as I finally undid the belt. The one thing I could surely say I loved about our intimacy was that he liked to have me face to face. To hold me close and to let me hold him.

I always felt that he wanted to be with me, I always felt like enough. Even if I didn't always feel... satisfied…

"Just five?"

———————

The day Theo left was jarring. First he was moving to Germany. I planned on being together, taking trips there. Video calls... but he...

"It's been less than two years, Diana." He said over the phone. "We probably wouldn't survive three years of separation."

"But you don't at least want to try?" I asked timidly.

I could hear his pause over the line. In my mind I could see him hanging his head and shaking it and then...I understood.

"You didn't have to go... did you." I didn't ask.

"Diana." He sighed.

"This was your escape hatch." I smiled to myself with tears in my eyes.

"It's not all the way like that."

"It's okay." I said, voice shaking, "I'm just not your person... and that's okay."

"Diana," he sighed again.

"Bon voyage." I said.

"Merci." He replied as he started to say something else. I hung up the phone and he never called again.

I never called again.

Abandonment was not a foreign concept to me. Even when it was someone I loved. If he didn't want me anymore, I wasn't gonna convince him otherwise.

Plus, it gave me time to think. Theo was just an extension of the authoritarian figures I had always had in my life. He was a replacement for strict parents. He was structure. He was my box...and maybe I needed to know real freedom.

Two months later I bumped into R—- at the store. Odd because we never crossed paths unless we meant to do so.

"Hi," I said first stopping my cart. He had a cautious look in his eye. Like he was trying to smell if I was still in a relationship.

"Hi." He smiled in a guarded fashion, "It's been awhile."

"It has," I replied with a smile and a blush.

"How's, how's life?" I tried to keep the conversation light.

"Good." He shrugged, "can't complain really how's, Theo? Right?" He asked half innocently.

"Uhm he and I aren't..." I began, "I mean I'm sure he's fine... wherever he is." The bitter pang I felt was not from his absence, but rather... that I had had the courage to mention him by name and he left. It was pride.

"Oh." R—- nodded, "I see..." he tilted his head to the side the way he did when he examined me, my facade for breaks...To see if any of my walls would tumble down. But they wouldn't and we both knew it. I was far too stubborn.

He looked into my cart, "What's for dinner?"

"Huh?"

"What are you making?" He pointed.

"Oh! Uhm bavette steak." I smiled eagerly, I was past the point in life where I wanted to prove myself a worthy wife... but I always took pride in my cooking. Because of how terrible I once was.

"Oh... that sound—"

"THERE YOU ARE—" an unfamiliar shrill voice interrupted.

I felt my heart squeeze just a bit, at the sight of a blonde skinny, perfect, girl lacing her arm with his. The exact antithesis to my brown skin, curly haired, lean, and fit existence.

My face was hardened like steel. Not even a hair of my eyebrow lifted out of place. I only smiled.

"Who is this?" The girl said looking me up and down with a snarl in her lip. His face wasn't condescending or rude like before. In fact he seemed a little... embarrassed.

"I'm Diana." I beamed superficially. Always to the rescue. For him and myself. I had to maintain control of the situation.

"Oh." She said.

"It was good to see you," I looked at him, pausing momentarily, "really." I don't know why I tacked it on the end there. But I suppose the feeling, the antithesis of happiness, was just enough to complete my long dead narrative. That I was never going to be happy. With or without him. It didn't matter. So I pushed on through my day. Not a hair out of place.

Serene, calm. But a small tear did escape later that night.

Whether for Theo, or R or me... I didn't know.

All I know was I cared not for any of it.