Chapter 4

****Trigger warnings for abuse, victim blaming and manipulation.

The motel room, fell into the deep oblivion of silence as soon as the other person left. I fell asleep again. I've been feeling sleepy since morning, I don't know the reason for this excessive drowsiness but my head feels heavy and the sleep is like a shallow daze of hallucination. When I closed my eyes, I had a dream, in that dream I was dreaming too,then that dream shifted onto another dream, in that dream, I sensed someone touching me, then the shadow of a person bent down and rubbed his nose against mine, then connected our foreheads together, after a while the person tilted his head burying themselves into the nook of my neck and breathed heavily, I could hear the heart beat of the other person as it thumped against my own, the rhythm was quite soothing, the I in that dream fell asleep again and intentionally or unintentionally I started dreaming of things unpleasant after that for maybe I wasn't used to love. In the next dream I saw myself back in my room, in my father's mansion. I was crouched up on the floor, my hands were a bit bloody and my father still had one of his boots pressed onto my legs, as his hands continuously punched my face. I wasn't crying back then as well, he then took of his belt, I scrunched up my body a bit waiting for the impact of the hit but I'd already fallen unconscious and the next dream had already begun. I don't know for how long the dream cycle went on but in the last one I started hearing voices, screaming in my head, they spoke in an almost a too much of a mechanical tone. "Hiroshi..... Hiroshi! This isn't your reality, wake up! Hiroshi! ..... Wake up! .... This is not for you, you need to die..... It'll be peaceful then, you'll feel better. Aren't you in pain.... Hiroshi... Hiroshiii.... Hi... ro... sh... i! ".I woke up startled as the voices in my head slowly subsided bringing me back to reality, I was still at the motel, by checking my phone I realized, I had only slept for an hour but it felt like the hours had repeated themselves endlessly. It was 6 o'clock now and I needed to reach my workplace soon from there head to the apartment address that my father had texted me, I had to start living there from today itself or else he'd find me and beat me up again just like that day and every other day that I had spent in the mansion. The scars often remind me of how weak I actually am, it's not physical weakness to be honest I could beat him up well, maybe I'm not too sure but I can atleast put up a good fight but as for,father,he's both strong physically and he also has the power of money which I don't have also the man is right about many things one of them being that I was the main problem for all of this in the first place,if I hadn't been born then mother wouldn't have to go back to father and all of this could have been avoided,on top of that I am literally useless as father always reminds me. I stutter and I don't have any money of my own, I couldn't even protect mother that's how truly useless I am, it's really all my fault, from the very beginning it was all my fault. I always wore full sleeve t-shirts even in the middle of summer, to hide the scars, while I still had a proper place to call home but today for the first time I'd chosen to wear something more comfortable,I truly don't care right now of what other people think of me and my scars, after all I'm an orphan now just as father has said, actually maybe it is better like this or it isn't,I don't know to be very honest that's another one of my problems,sometimes I understand things more than I need to and sometimes I don't understand them at all. I haven't ascertained it yet,maybe he'll come over to my apartment everyday to beat me up, maybe one day I'll be beaten to death, some part of me wants that as well, atleast after that I won't be abused like this anymore. I wouldn't have to worry about food as well or getting good grades or getting a proper job and most importantly I wouldn't have to think about living anymore. Living is very scary, it's much more scarier then those horror movies, well, that said my life is no less than a horror movie itself and the biggest most powerful ghost of it all is my father but I'm not certain about that as well, maybe it could be me as well, maybe I'm the one who's making things hard for myself,maybe I don't have what it takes to be alive but atleast I still try. After completing work, I walked to the address of the apartment mentioned in the text,it was fortunately quite near my workplace and there goes my happiness,flying into thin air. I was right he came here as well, to pour out his frustrations at me, it's not any better like this as well and here I was day dreaming of a better life,how foolish. He was sitting in his car when I arrived,the driver was smoking a cigarette at some distance from were the car was parked,noticing me,he came out of the car. We walked together quietly, to the third floor, were father made an abrupt halt in front of one of the big doors that belonged to one of the apartments. It was a housing complex,each floor had two big corridors and contained two apartment buildings facing opposite each other,there was a lift but father avoided it for some reason. He was looking for something, maybe the key card for the apartment door, he fumbled multiple times this gesture always meant that he was drunk and that was never a good indication, an intrusive thought struck me right then as always, "run away, quick! ", it said but that would only lead to more chaos, what if he kills me for running away? I mean yes I want to die but I still have a tiny bit of hope of getting out of this hell cycle. I was a bit lost with my own thoughts when I noticed a familiar face entering the apartment opposite to the one we were standing at. It was the motel guy,okay, how bad is my luck, like what in the hell did I do in my previous life to receive such penalties in this one. Now what, he'll listen to me get beaten up but atleast he hasn't noticed me yet, well do hell with life, I don't want to think anymore, let's just get over with this. Finally after five minutes of struggle the key card was found and the door was opened, within seconds I was pushed inside, the pretentious gentlemanly nature of father was dropped as well, that's good though that pretence always makes me feel suffocated. The door didn't close properly behind my father,I wanted to go close it but there was no time, father stared at me with disgust filled in his eyes for a brief moment our eyes met and it began. He grabbed a hold of my hair first, shaking it with all his might, "How dare you make me wait and what's with that look! Huh!"....slap... " You think you've grown wings, just by surviving a day"... slap.... "You're only alive cause I let you live".... Kick.... and then it was a rain shower of slaps and kicks. I often didn't know what to think when father would be busy beating me up, when I was little,I used to think of mother,think that she would save me but she never did save me,so I stopped thinking of it. Nowadays I give that spot of saviour to a stranger. A stranger will come and save me, anyone would do, it would be better if it was a guy, we could fall in love then cause well ,I'm gay. I discovered it last year only when I noticed that I always looked at guys more than girls on the street,I even dreamt of kissing a guy but I haven't told father about it, guess, he'd really kill me if he were to know....."Die! You useless brat. Just die", father was practically screaming at this point and I was worried that he might get a heart attack from such rage, but if he did die right now then that would be a problem,I'd be the first suspect,I wanted to tell him to calm down but that would be useless so I didn't say anything ,he was panting by the time he was finished. He walked off after washing his hands at the sink,then without looking back, he left. Atleast he could close the door, properly while leaving, I thought to myself. Now I'd to again get up to close it. I slowly made my way towards the door, my body ached all over, the muscles were cramming against each other, the usual aftermath after the beatings. The skin underneath my tshirt burned, maybe it was scrapped. I just wanted to take off my tshirt right there and take a hot shower and drift of to sleep, tomorrow would be the last day of the weekend, I needed to again start school from Monday, that too a new school, just the thought of it gave me anxiety but nonetheless I finally had reached the door, my neighbor was standing at his apartment door, with a complicated look on his face,well never mind I'd expected that, even back at father's mansion,the houses that were three blocks away knew that someone in our house was abused but nobody ever dared to confront father,the reason is pretty evident by now I guess but the motel guy seemed a bit out of it at that moment he almost looked as if he was worried and wanted to say something but in the end decided against it and closed the door on my face. I closed mine too. Walking to the bathroom was a pain, every step hurt more then the last one. Will I be able to cry today? I should right, mother always said that I wasn't normal, I didn't cry even a little after I turned Seven, however much my father beat me up or locked me in a closed dark room, I never cried. It didn't feel much of a problem then but it has been a bit difficult to deal with since I was kicked out of home. I feel like it would feel a lot better if I could just cry the hurt and pain off but it's not happening and I feel restless, like there's something I want to throw out of my body, it's like my whole body is in a state of continuous panic but there's nothing I can do to help release it, it's also a bit hard to breathe, I'm getting out of breath just by standing still, if only I could cry then maybe I'd feel better. In order to atleast try I stood in front of the mirror and when that didn't work I shifted to the shower,maybe a cold shower would help or so I had thought but it didn't work as well when I came back to were my bag lay astray on the floor and decided to check the phone, I realized it had already been five hours. Staring at my phone I felt a bit angry at my neighbor though he hadn't done anything and maybe that's why I was angry in the first place, even if it was for a moment, I thought he on seeing my face, would save me. It was a mistake, thinking like that, so I went to sleep again and started dreaming again, in my dream, he saved me.