I Want to Try

He kissed up the side of Joshua's face and buried his nose in Joshua's surprisingly soft hair. Joshua still smelled like Harris's shampoo, but he smelled like himself too and Harris liked the mix. Harris held Joshua close and slowly relaxed against him. He stilled when his fingers dragged through come across Joshua's stomach. In an impulse Harris chose not to examine too closely, he traced the sigil for forever and- for the first time since he was mortal, if that- prayed that he would get it somehow.

Eventually he flicked his gaze up to Joshua. His charge looked contented, certainly, but his brows had drawn together and he was worrying at his bottom lip. "Was that… weird?" Harris asked him.

"A little," Joshua said. "But I don't mind."

His cheeks carried the faintest touch of pink and Harris kissed them. "Then what?" he asked.

Joshua hesitated. "I ain't complaining," he said slowly. His flush deepened. "I like that I- uh-" he coughed- "affect you that way. But… you know… I always thought that…" Joshua shut his eyes tightly. "You know what they say about older men and stamina."

"Ah." Harris coughed himself. He pressed light kisses to Joshua's eyelids. "I'll do better next time," he said, wishing he knew that there would be a next time. Wishing he'd done better this time in case there wouldn't be, so he could have made love to Joshua all night. From the slightly sad look in Joshua's eyes, he had just realized something similar. "It's just been such a very long time since I was… with anyone."

Joshua opened his eyes, the look in them uncertain and a little sad. "Like… years?"

"Yes, Joshua."

Joshua hesitated, clearly remembering that Harris wouldn't be like anyone he'd ever known before. "A lot of years?"

"Decades, actually."

Joshua blinked comically wide eyes.

"Since the automobile was known as the horseless carriage, at least."

"Fucking hell, Harris!" Joshua reached up and touched Harris's jaw with trembling fingers and awe in his eyes. "Sorry," he said at last, thumb sliding over Harris's lower lip.

Harris's hands went to his shoulders, gripping him tightly. "Whatever for?"

"I don't know, I just coulda…" Joshua ducked his head until Harris lifted his hands, framing his face and making Joshua meet his eyes. "That's a long fucking dry spell, yeah, and I coulda-"

"No," Harris said, shaking his head. "Whatever you're thinking, no. There is nothing you could have done that would have made being with you any more perfect." His fingers dug into the smooth skin at the back of Joshua's neck and he pulled him into a hard kiss. Joshua's fingers were like bars between their lips until, with a soft whine, Joshua pushed them into Harris's hair and kissed him back. Harris left his face fitted to Joshua's when he spoke again. "I love you." He pressed his mouth to Joshua's over and over. "My god, how I love you."

He couldn't believe that he hadn't known that when he arrived back here tonight. He couldn't believe he hadn't known all this while, how completely he belonged to Joshua. How completely they belonged to each other.

The thought- the realization, more like- shook Harris to the core. His eyes had drifted closed but he tore them open. They were too close for him to look properly at Joshua's face- but Joshua's aura was another question, and Harris forced himself to take it in for the first time since dinner.

It was so beautiful. Harris held Joshua close, lacing his fingers together in Joshua's hair and cradling his skull, and pressed kisses all over the blissed-out look on his face, keeping his own eyes stubbornly open. Joshua's aura was such a lovely light turquoise-blue, running together with a pure sea-glass green. Harris discovered that he was shaking and pressed a final kiss to Joshua's lips before he said, "Let me clean you up."

Joshua only hummed softly, but he let Harris slip away from him this time.

Harris wet a cloth in the bathroom, lost in thought. Joshua's aura was not yet a true green, he told himself- and he thanked whatever power higher than he that ruled these things for it, because it meant that Joshua would eventually recover when Harris was ripped from him- because he would have to be. Harris wouldn't go peaceably, not after this. They would have to drag him away. Joshua's aura might not be fully green yet, but Harris was sure that if he had one his would be.

Before he went back into the bedroom, Harris forced himself to look at his reflection in the mirror. He felt sure that he had been remade somehow in the last few hours, and he was afraid to see it- but he had to check if Joshua was right.

He was.

Though he had carried certain vanities on from his former life- Harris liked to look good even when he knew that no one was going to appreciate it- he hadn't really taken in his own face in a very long time. The last time he'd checked, though, he'd looked be to be at least fifty. Now he looked barely over forty. Some of the wrinkles around his eyes and most of the grey at his temples had faded. "My god," Harris said, examining his neck.

"See?" Joshua called sleepily from the other room.

He made his way back to the bed and tenderly wiped Joshua down. Joshua smiled up at him, the adoration in his eyes unlike anything Harris had ever seen directed at him before.

"I'm tired," Joshua said softly.

"Then sleep," Harris murmured, kissing that smooth forehead as he had back when he hadn't known what the tight heat gathering in his chest meant.

"Gonna be here when I wake up?" Joshua murmured.

Harris kissed the side of his face. "I'm going to try, my darling." He lay down beside Joshua and stroked his hair until he slept.

Once Joshua had dozed off, Harris considered getting up, perhaps making himself some tea. He considered, too, simply lying there and watching Joshua sleep, memorizing his beautiful face for whatever was to come. He hadn't yet made up his mind which when he noticed a slight flutter of movement on the balcony. He sat up, thinking to go to the window, but he was suddenly frozen in place. He felt a flush of something he couldn't identify, a shock starting in the top of his head and barreling straight down to his toes.

When Harris could move again he rolled out of bed quickly- but gently enough not wake Joshua- and made his way to the window on unsteady legs. There was no one there, though he thought that maybe he caught a glimpse of dark hair and the familiar half pleased, half put-upon twist of a lip. It was hard to remember, because suddenly Harris felt tired.

He was actually, genuinely exhausted- so much so, in fact, that he hardly thought about how odd it was. He returned to bed, wrapped himself around Joshua, and slept.