Endlessness

As we approach the beach from the city centre the air changes to be less humid and thick. The splashing sound of ocean waves mix with the sound of the urban noises. It is the early afternoon as we walk up the stairs to the beach with the vast ocean stretching along the entire horizon.

We are both stunned by the beautiful sight. The waves splash against the sand, pulling back and pushing forward again, leaving white foam behind. An endless seesaw of the seemingly infinite water and the firm unbending land.

"Wow." Airi takes my hand and pulls me closer to the ocean. 

A few minutes pass as we just stand beside each other, holding hands and fascinatingly admire this scenery before us. 

Some people are inside the water, swimming and playing. Others are sitting on blankets, enjoying a seaside picnic. 

My heart aches slightly, as I am spectating this view without being able to share this moment with Chiye. I can't even tell her about it now either. 

All the more reason to give everything in my power to bring her back, so that she can experience this too someday. I want her to feel the astonishment from looking at this shimmering endless horizon, breathe the salty air and sense the soft yielding sand under her feet.

"It's like tasting the ocean with all of your senses." Airi's voice is calm and almost peaceful. "As if all of your worries are being carried away with each wave."

"Yes, that's how it feels like."

Even though the ocean initially seems calm and rhythmic, like an everlasting consistency, at second glance it's far more volatile, every wave not resembling another. The force behind it is immeasurable and the seemingly endless void underneath the glittering surface could probably hide more secrets than the space above it. 

Airi pulls my hand and I turn towards her. "Let's get inside. I want to feel the waves and the sand."

I nod and unpack my backpack, with towels and a blanket, spreading the latter on the sand. Airi places her penguin plushie on the blanket beside the backpack, facing it towards the ocean. 

We take off our shoes and Airi walks off first. I watch her as she stops about knee deep after going into the water. She stands there, half-heartedly holding up her dress and simply looks into the horizon.

The sea breeze is a small relief against the heat and humidity. 

I pull out my phone and take a picture of her, just standing there in the water. Motionless as the waves break upon pushing against her legs. 

Suddenly she turns around and upon seeing me she smiles. It is a different smile than from before at the aquarium. It is also different from when we are joking with each other or talking about lighthearted topics. 

It is the kind of smile that my heart wishes Chiye to show me. Everything from the way her eyes reflect the warmth, affection and happiness from her lips forming the most lovable smile. 

Airi looks at me the way I want Chiye to when she sees me. 

The sun above our heads, the blue sky, the shimmering water surface, her expression, all of it comes together and this very moment burns into my memory forever. I can hear my heart thumping inside my chest, pulsating in my ears, filling my insides with this warm fuzzy feeling.

My hands move on their own and take another picture. She sees it and beams with even more happiness. No camera or device could ever capture this enchanting moment, that seemingly only belongs to us. Everyone else is fading out.

Airi gestures to me to join her as well, calling over to me, however the sound of the waves dominates her voice. I put my phone inside my backpack and walk towards her, feeling the soft brittle grains of sand between my toes. 

"The water is great!" She stretches her arms out to welcome me inside the water and I grab her hands. 

She pulls me deeper into the ocean and I briefly stop her and knot the seam of her dress together, so that she doesn't have to drag the heavy fabric along the water. Airi holds onto my shoulders as I tie up her dress above her knees. 

"Thank you." I look up at her and she grins. In the spur of the moment I grab her around her waist, lift her up and carry her towards the horizon, deeper into the sea. She laughs wholeheartedly and I join her laughter. 

I twirl us around and the water splashes in circles. I'm standing knee deep in the water myself and shielding Airi from getting hit by the waves, by turning her towards the beach as soon as a wave approaches us. Her cheerful laughter, the sounds of the ocean and the entire unfamiliar surrounding mix together and I'm truly filled with joy myself. This moment would have been complete if Chiye was here. Not necessarily instead of Airi, but just for her to experience this sensation of new things as well. 

We play in the water, splashing the salty water at each other and look for pretty seashells until the sun is hanging low in the sky. 

I sit behind Airi and dry her hair with the towel, while she examines the shells that we collected. Holding them against the warm sun. 

"Yuzuru." 

She turns around with her head. "Thank you for bringing me here. I will never forget about today." She hands me three shells. "I will never forget about your kindness." 

Airi's smile is filled with warmth and affection. "One shell for each of us." 

I look down on my palms at the three scallop shells, every single one of them with their own unique orange, beige and brown colour variations.

"I will never forget about the days that I spent with the most famous lunar kingdom princess." I smirk at her and she returns my smile. It's been only four days since the storm, where everything changed. But these four days have been so intense that it feels like I've spent weeks with Airi. It's been a long time since I spent so much time with someone in such an almost intimate way. Ever since Chiye started to live up to her temple duty, the leisurely time we shared with one another was limited. We would be together almost everyday in school, except for the weekends. And after we graduated, we saw each other even less. I moved away for university and spent most of my bachelor and masters course at campus, only once or twice visiting home. We'd arrange for a meeting, but it usually never extended over a cup of coffee, since she would be busy with her own work.

I want to tell her everything that I wasn't able to during the entire time she was still here and I can feel my chest almost bursting with encouragement. Whatever the price will be, I want her to know everything and surely a few minutes will be enough to convey my feelings to her. I'd rather prefer the rest of our lifetime to not only tell her about my feelings, but also show and prove it to her. I don't need us to be connected by the red threads of fate. 

I prefer to take this into my own hands and if Chiye decides not to be with me, then at least I know that I gave it my all even against whatever the almighty gods have predestined.

"Unfortunately, no one will spread the tale of how you helped this most famous lunar princess in her pursuit for love. No one will ever tell their children and friends about how you helped to uncover some evil scheme from the all so divine and flawless deities." Airi gestures dramatically towards the sky. I continue to pat her hair dry with the towel. "That's fine by me. It wouldn't help me with my future career anyways." I shrug my shoulders.

She laughs. "Chiye could write that down on her resume. The entirety of the country's priests and shrine maidens would probably faint from jealousy by the mere thought that Chiye's spirit and body were strong enough to hold me inside. She is the first human to do so after all."

"She'd probably be more jealous of me." I think about the pictures alone that we took today.

"I'm looking forward to meeting her in person." Airi turns around again and hums to herself with an excited tone.

Chiye's hair has gotten quite long since the last time we met during my university break a few months ago. I used to dry her hair often since Chiye felt like it was too much of a hassle. My grandma taught me to always completely dry my hair, to avoid getting sick or a headache. So, I did that meticulously, but my short hair wasn't much of an effort anyways. 

Then I met Chiye, who tends to just knot her wet hair together, letting it sit in a soppy bun. She'd reluctantly dried her hair on her own, but she'd loved it when I did it for her. It became our habit, when the occasion allowed us to. As kids there were far more situations for me to dry her hair, but as we grew older it reduced to the school trips where we would meet at the evening in the common room and after that it was almost impossible to do that for her. 

I didn't want to cross any of her boundaries and she might have wanted to be more mature and independent of me. Though, I missed this. Just patting her dark hair dry and combing it with my fingers. The salt water coats her hair in an unfamiliar way, even after drying it. 

"Aren't you curious of what Chiye thinks of you?"

"Of course I am." I'm carefully braiding her hair together in a way Chiye once taught me.

"You want to hear it from her?"

"Yup." 

Airi turns around as I wrap the hair tie around the end. Some loose strands frame her face. She grins at me. "Aren't you at least a little bit enticed?"

I smirk back at her. "I would lie if I denied that, but I want to respect the privacy of her inner thoughts. I hope that she will share some of it with me one day."

"Wouldn't that also be a way of loving?"

"Surely. Sharing inner private thoughts and feelings is very intimate and personal. You wouldn't do that with a person who's not close enough to you. Even some long-lasting couples might have never reached that stage of emotional trust and intimacy, remaining oblivious about the other's inner state." I carefully pack the shells inside a side pocket of my backpack. "But that doesn't necessarily mean that those relationships aren't good. Not everyone wants to share that inner seclusion of thoughts. Some people simply don't need to open up in front of others about that."

She listens to me attentively and nods in a comprehensive manner. 

"What about you?" She now looks at me curiously.

"I guess I'm also not really a talkative person in that regard."

She tilts her head, thinking. "I think you show it in a different way. However, I can't imagine you shying away from the conversation if Chiye asked you about it"

"No, I won't." Though, I'm not even sure what my inner deep closed off thoughts and feelings actually are. My feelings for Chiye were somewhat secluded, but never unreachable. It was rather me not wanting to acknowledge these emotions and thoughts before. 

"Would you share them with me?" Airi looks up at me timidly. 

I raise my eyebrows in surprise. Well, technically, is Airi a stranger. Our supernatural circumstances brought us together and you might even say that it was our fate to be with each other, even if it was only for this presumably short time.

Regardless of the actual time spent together, we are already deeply involved with each other in a way that is unique and intimate in its own manner. Airi also already shared some of her own inner thoughts and even fears with me, her past and her loneliness.

"Of course." I return her gaze firmly.

Airi is probably the only living being that knows the most about Chiye and me. 

Her expression lights up softly. 

The sun is sinking, slowly hiding behind the horizon, plunging the ocean in a rich orangey colour. A few more couples are also sitting on the beach, admiring the setting sun and listening to the waves as they break on the sandy beach.

We are enjoying a nice dinner together before boarding the train back home.

Airi falls asleep, cuddling the penguin plushie tightly and leaning her head against my shoulder.

The train cabin is silent, only the rhythmic rattling and soft rocking of the train is noticeable. 

I fight against the tiredness and try to find something out about Airi's portraits. 

It is rather difficult, since a painting of 'the most beautiful woman' could just be anyone. I also can't really limit the results based on the time period. 

As I'm scrolling through the gallery of a museum, one particular painting catches my eyes.

It shows a woman, sitting by the window with a full moon just beyond the window frame, holding a white rabbit in her arms, gazing upwards.

Until that point, numerous variations of beautiful women with Airi's description popped up. But this one with the title 'Endless yearning' shows Airi. 

This one painting of her sitting by the window is truly Airi. I can just feel it. 

The painting is part of a permanent exhibition about an hour from our hometown. I decide to bring her there tomorrow, so that she can also for one last time see her own human form before returning to the heavenly realm. 

I wake her up upon our arrival and we take a cab to the temple from the station, since Airi has difficulties fighting against the exhaustion. 

We walk up the stairs to the temple grounds or rather it's just me pulling her along. I didn't expect her to take over Chiye's weakness against tiredness. Well, it's still the same body. 

Chiye always has difficulties waking up when she falls asleep outside of her routine. She would then be able to just sleep through the day until the next morning. There were times where she fell asleep at my place and her resistance against any attempts to wake her up were in vain, so that I had to carry her up the stairs on my back. Somehow she could hold onto me with no problem, but waking up wasn't possible. Carrying her up the stairs remains to be one of my most exhausting experiences, especially during summer. Regardless of the circumstances, I would still manage to bring her back home, where I would almost collapse myself from being drained of my entire energy. Upon waking up, sshe would then tell me about her lively dreams. Sometimes she would be able to recap them in such detail, that it kind of made sense for her to not be able to wake up from them. There were also instances where she dreamt the same thing, but every time that happened she was able to change the outcome, since she had the consciousness to remember the repetition. 

In the past when we were younger her mum told me once that Chiye's soul would come too close to the heavenly realm so that she inevitably gets stuck in her dreams, trying to find a way back to us. It would be something that only she could do on her own. But every time, without fail, she would wake up again, oblivious to how long she was actually asleep. 

The rationality inside of me always doubted her mother's words, but looking back at it now, it might make sense. Maybe Chiye being at the gates of heaven is also similar to her daydreams. Surely, she will find her way back home this time again. 

Though, for now I have to carry a much older Chiye up the stairs. Our bodies are naturally more distinct and less alike since our childhood, but that doesn't change the fact that even if our builds are different I still have to carry a grown woman up approximately three hundred stone stairs. 

I'm mentally preparing for that and certainly the option exists to take her home with me and Grandma. That would spare me from the arduous task of carrying her upstairs, but since this is also Chiye, I can't do that. 

The cab stops at the bottom of the stairs and with my backpack with her penguin strapped on it at the front and Airi on my back, I begin the ascent. Airi also holds onto me unconsciously, which helps me to focus solely on keeping the balance and taking every step upwards. Since the sun has sunk long ago, the stairs are only dimly lit. 

The noises from the Main Street are being drowned with every step that I'm taking by the vespertine sounds of the mountain and forest surrounding the stairs. Naturally, it's only Airi and I during these hours trying to reach the temple. I can feel the heat of Airi on my back accumulating with my own bodily heat and the overall warm temperature even at night. Though, the dark forest helps to cool me down a little bit. If it were the same heat and humidity as at the bottom of the mountain, then I probably would have had to take multiple breaks until reaching the top.

"I had a strange dream." Airi mumbles into my neck.

"What was it about?" My voice comes out pressed, trying to conceal the strain on my body.

Her arms wrap around more tightly around my neck and she nuzzles her face on my shoulder and neck. 

"I was at home." Airi's voice is a mere whisper, half-asleep.

"In the lunar kingdom?"

I can feel her nodding.

"It was so nice being back." She takes another break before continuing. "But for some reason my parents couldn't recognise me. I thought that I had forgotten their faces a long time ago, but in that dream they stood before me still looking the same as before I left."

"You should continue sleeping, maybe they will recognise you then."

She doesn't answer anymore and I can feel her tension easing up, falling asleep once more.

We reach the temple grounds and Chiye's parents meet us halfway, since I've informed them beforehand of our arrival. Her father carries the deeply sleeping Airi into her room and as I'm about to go down again Miyama-san stops me.

"How is the progress so far?" Her worriedness is clearly on her face. Right now, it's not the head priestess in front of me. It is simply Chiye's mother.

"On the day after tomorrow we will enter the gates of heaven as well. There is a high chance that Airi's fate is part of a conspiracy to weaken the lunar kingdom. We will try to plead for her innocence while also getting Chiye away from there."

"To the gates of heaven? The in-between? How will you be able to go there?"

"I was told that I have to pay a price to do so, but the exact price itself will be determined upon my arrival there."

Miyama-san's eyes widens in shock. "The price will be too high to pay. You shouldn't go there."

Her concern deepens.

I softly shake my head. "I have to go and get Chiye back personally." My voice is firm and determined, the exhaustion from before completely gone.

Chiye's mother looks me into the eyes and nods. "Your determination is unwavering, I wouldn't be able to stop you anyway." She smiles weakly. "Please take care and don't consume anything from the heavens, if you do so, then your soul will be tied to the heavens and you can't return to the earthly realm."

"I will avoid that." 

"Thank you, Yuzuru." She looks at me warmly. "Please get back home safely and thank you for bringing her all the way up here." 

I lightly bow and take my leave.

As I descend from the mountain the twinkling city lights stretch across below me. Perpetual, symbolising that human life will continue regardless of any divine events. 

It's just that for me in my insignificant life, just one soul amongst billions of others, Chiye has to be included. That divine event of Airi taking over Chiye and her being pushed into the heavenly realm has changed the course of my life tremendously. Or rather, it has changed the course of this particular spring season. 

Airi might be correct of our actions and coming to an end with her unfortunate tale will never be known to any other human. However, the heavens will know and besides that, I don't want to gain any glory or acknowledgement. I just want to get Chiye back, by any means necessary.

It must be because dreaming was a topic today or it's just me seeing Chiye in front of me again near the dark void. Maybe my unconsciousness wants to give me a second chance to save her from falling. 

"Chiye!" I slowly approach her and she turns around in surprise. This time my voice comes out loud and clear.

"Please come back!"

She doesn't say anything and instead comes at me, throwing herself into my arms. I catch her and hug her tightly. Her body shakes from crying.

"I got you." My hand strokes the back of her head, comforting her and her sobs begin to subside. 

"Please come back." I repeat my words from before, more overwhelmed by my feelings and my worriedness. Even if this is only a dream, I want her to know it. 

Chiye loosens her hug, looking up into my eyes. I use my thumbs to gently wipe her tears away from her cheeks. "Come back to me." My voice is only a whisper.

Tears stream out of her eyes again and I wipe them away. 

"If it's too difficult, I will come and get you. Just wait for me, okay? I will come." I look at her reassuringly, but she still doesn't say anything. 

Chiye raises her hands, framing my face within her palms, delicately stroking my cheeks with her thumps. Her eyes wander around my face as if she tries to memorise every detail until she stops at my eyes again. She gets on her toes, pulling my face softly downwards and lightly kisses my left cheek. Then my right cheek. 

Her kisses burn like fire on my skin. It sends a warm feeling through my entire body and my heart pounds strongly. 

It is a dream, but even though my whole existence right now is engulfed in the desire to passionately take her into my arms and cover her with my kisses and caressing, I control my cravings not wanting to break her advancement. 

"Yuu." She sighs my name with a slightly frustrated tone.

Chiye leans in for my lips, however before they touch, she stops. The prickling sensation of her immediate proximity is nerve-wracking. The distance of our lips could merely fit a piece of paper in between. 

"I can't."

I jolt awake, sweating and out of breath. By a reflex I'm reaching for my lips with my hand. 

It felt so real. Chiye in front of me just a few moments ago felt so unbelievably real. Just as real as her voice saying that she can't come back to me. I reach for my cheek. The burning hot sensation of her kiss still prevails. 

I sigh loudly in frustration now. 

I would have given everything to make the dream last longer. Not to necessarily continue the shared intimacy, but rather to convince her to change her mind. To get to know why she said that she can't come back or wait for me to get her. Why would my mind play this trick on me?

I would have told her about the aquarium. The heat and humidity of the seaside city, the change of landscape after leaving the mountains behind us. 

In the best possible way and in great detail I would have then explained to her the ocean. The seemingly endless vastness. How the water just stretches across the entire horizon. Making it seem like it would go on infinitely. Opening up the entire sky and land in front of you, making you feel tiny in comparison. How our problems would simply drown in this immensity. That the waves could just carry all of your concerns away. The breaking of the waves from your firm body standing inside the cool water. 

I would describe to her how the water shimmers and twinkles, reflecting the colours of the sky and the sun. How the countless grains of tiny stones softly form the sand underneath your feet with the equally countless different colourful seashells being washed ashore.

The saltiness of the air and the water. 

And lastly, how I want to share this endlessness with her.