【 it will fade over time, trust me 】

I stood on that dock for hours after they left. After he left. I didn't know how to feel at first. Betrayal is betrayal, I thought. What else is there to it? But of course, there was more. There was a pang of guilt, ringing like a fucking bell in my gut. It started slow, then began steadily increasing once their gazes - his gaze - left mine. It stung like salt in a wound, but of course, I couldn't stop myself. My brain took over while the rest of my body cemented itself to the cobblestone.

"Our job is already dirty!"

"All of this for a woman we don't even know?!"

"It's none of our business…"

Deep in my heart, I knew that my team was right.

I should go with them. With him. I trust them. It'll work out, I'm sure.

But I couldn't. There was no way that I would willingly jump into a tiger pit.

Selfish selfish selfish selfish, over and over and over in my mind I repeated the phrase, like a mantra. I had to watch them go; the boat shrinking on the horizon until it was a speck. Then they were gone. He was gone.

I felt the tears sting my cheeks before I could even register the emotion. You're crying, my subconscious crowed.

"Of course," I muttered.

As much as I didn't want to admit it, I knew what the tears were for. How couldn't I know? The first of them were for Buccellati, the man that we all strived to be. Even if it were somewhat unconscious worship, everyone admired him. He would never accept the praise, though. He was too humble and didn't think he deserved it. He was a light for those in the dark, and everyone wanted to be him.

The next bout was for Mista and Narancia. They were both a joy, despite how stupid they both were. Narancia was a good kid, even if he was difficult most days. Mista was always there with dumb jokes and questions. They both knew what would make me smile, even if it was just a little. Or piss me off, I thought, Because they were damn great at that.

And a tear for Abbacchio, because even if he and I weren't close, he was there. And despite being a broken man, he still stood on his feet, glaring defiantly back at the world. Because during a struggle, he fucking stood through it, even if it broke him.

And the many, many tears to follow were for him. The boy with the gold halo of hair and oceanic blue eyes that stole into my soul the moment his gaze flitted my way.

I collapsed onto the smooth stones of the dock, my body wracking with sobs. This feeling, this anguish, was new. I was comfortable with rage. I understood the turmoil of hateful emotion, despite hating it. I was used to hurting people with my quick actions. Sadness was different. A new brand of awful; it sunk in my body, pooling and spreading like a virus. It was consuming.

- - -

His face was beautiful. God, it was. I'd studied texts, literature, and even the arts (for a brief time), and thus by far, this boy made even Helen of Troy, the face that launched a thousand ships, an old wench. Everything in the world, every color, paled in comparison to him. His golden hair tucked into a braid and curled buns held out of his pristine, god-like face. I liked it when he let his hair down long, the golden hair flowing over his shoulders like cascading waves of sunlight. I longed to run my fingers through the gold-spun strands. The way his eyes glinted in amusement when he smiled, too, captivated me; the way they lingered on mine for a split second longer than necessary. I could sense the genuine passion in his voice when he spoke. There was no denying his determination. He was just so... striking. Perfect.

Whenever he spoke, I watched. I looked. It felt almost shameful to look. It was like my eyes weren't worthy enough to see him. But he didn't know my thoughts. I gave him respect. But inside, I knew it was more. I'd give him anything, anything at all.

But I let him down.

I sat on the dock for hours, even when night fell. I cried the entire time, crouched on the ground until I fell asleep.

- - - -

It was night. There were no lights nearby, only the soft, dying glow of the distant cities up ahead. It was so dark, and I shivered. I was utterly alone, and no one was there to comfort me. My hair was probably a disheveled crows-nest, and my face red and puffy from crying, and I felt empty; devoid of feeling. I sat up after a time, my legs dangling precariously over the edge of the dock, nearly touching the calm ebb of the waves. If I wanted to, I could slip off the edge. No one would see me as I sunk into the inky black of the Mediterranian. I could go in peace, and I wouldn't have to worry that I'd let anyone down. That I let him down. I steeled myself with a breath, readying myself to slip under the waves forever.

"You know, a suit like that isn't something you normally see around here. Where might you be from?"

The voice was decrepit and winded, and undeniably female, coming only a mere few feet away from me. I turned slowly, fearing nothing about my safety. Once facing her, I let out a defeated sigh. The old hag had a white shawl about her shoulders and an ungodly, thinning tangle of hair on her head. She had a bemused smile on her lips.

"Who're you?" I asked. My voice cracked midway through the first half of my biting phrase, and the woman laughed.

"Oh, you poor boy. Left by a girl, huh?"

The old woman ambled over, plunking herself right next to me.

"What do you want?" I tried again, harsher this time. The old woman was unphased.

"I had a boy like you once upon a time. Angry easy, but a good boy. Ran off and joined a band, and that was the last I ever saw of him. I forgave him eventually, but you know."

I didn't know, but something in this woman brought me a sense of something. Not rage, no. I held on to it.

"Anyway. Let's get you out of this cold."

With that, the old lady got on her feet and put a hand on my shoulder, urging me up. I felt like déjà vu. Like joining the gang all over again. Just… a new chapter, maybe.

I stood shakily, then began to follow the woman away from the dock.

I know that I'll see you again, I thought, hoping somehow that he'd know, and when I do, I'm going to make sure that you know that this will never happen again. I promise.

[E n d]