Chapter 129

The City Bureau was a very interesting place. One street away was the city center's old commercial district, the façades of high-quality hotels and a number of large established shopping malls; with these "façades" to gather public interest, shopping streets of all different grades of quality had arisen as well. If you walked out of the City Bureau and crossed the street, right across from the gates was a parking lot surrounded by all kinds of little food stalls. The further it got into the dead of winter, the more frenzied the buying was. For some reason, business was especially prosperous—maybe it was because the current generation of police comrades was unusually gluttonous.

There was a luxury sports car parked in the open-air parking lot that was entirely out of tune with the surroundings. Near it was a cart selling takoyaki. The line stretched out for a dozen meters like a dragon, truly an awe-inspiring sight.

Fei Du stuck out his head to take a look and gave it up, putting the car window back up, chatting to Lu Jia next to him. "After the year-end bonuses have been paid out is a peak period for handing in resignations. What plans do you have for next year? Are you going to keep working for me, or are you planning to experience a different kind of life?"

These last few days, Luo Wenzhou had been working overtime at the City Bureau, so it had been more convenient for him to drive his own car in and out. Fei Du had driven over in his own. For Lu Jia, the sports car's driver's seat was slightly cramped. He didn't quite have space for his belly. Hearing the question, he looked up and leaned back. "President Fei, do you not want to support me anymore because I eat too much and my engine capacity is too high?"

"Of course not." Fei Du swept an eye towards the City Bureau. "I'm living off a mistress myself."

Lu Jia laughed silently for a while. The evening lights passed through the crack in the car window that hadn't been fully closed, falling into his long, narrow eyes, leaving a pinpoint of light at their corners.

Then his smile became dimmer and dimmer, and he was silent for a while. Lu Jia said, "I've heard someone say that those people who take drugs have the physiological structure of their brains changed by the drugs—that sounds pretty horrifying. Think about it. If experience, character, upbringing, and so on are all the body's removable software, then the brain must be the hardware. If your brain changes, the equivalent of changing from an Ultrabook to a Xiao Bawang1, it's like another soul has been reincarnated in your body. Even though you have the same memories, you're not the same person as before."

Fei Du didn't interrupt, listening very patiently.

"But actually I sometimes think that trauma is something similar." Lu Jia's tone changed. He unbuckled his seatbelt and stretched in the confined space. "Trauma can also change a person beyond recognition. Sometimes you look at other people, then look in the mirror, and you feel hollow inside. You think, how did I become like this? I don't even recognize myself.

"Ordinary people pursue things, nothing but houses, cars, careers, love, position, dreams. They're busy every day, each one of them holding a bellyful of worries and happiness. Their worries are genuine feelings, and their happiness is sincere. They don't know what 'inconstancy' is. They think that today is the same as yesterday is the same as tomorrow. They won't think, 'I'm only an ant sitting on a dead leaf floating in the river that can overturn any time.'"

Fei Du didn't pass comment. With his chin propped on his hand, he made a noise and waited for him to continue speaking.

"But you're different. You can't spend your days like that. You're like a hen that's had its feathers scared off by a firework and can't lay eggs anymore.—You look at other people and think that all the things they're pursuing are illusions. You can't treat them as real. They can vanish just like that. You have nightmares every day. Your head is full of vain hopes. You're irritable, worried, anxious for absolutely no reason… When someone gives you a second look, you think maybe he has bad intentions. When someone stops you in the street to ask for directions, you think he may be plotting something. Sometimes you'll even see someone feeling around in his bag too long and suspect he's got a hidden weapon on him."

Lu Jia's voice grew quieter and quieter.

Noisy, raucous voices came in through the crack in the window, their babble mixing with the man's voice, making him seem increasingly out of place, increasingly lonely.

"Trust in society and your environment is a cornerstone of a sense of security," Fei Du said. "Without that, you can only drift in a state of constant psychological stress. In fact, it's very painful. Even if the trauma passes…"

"It doesn't pass. These things never pass. Even though they've caught the killer, it's still the same. 'If you gaze into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.' I don't know whether you've had that feeling." Lu Jia shook his head. "Sometimes I feel like I have a mental disorder and living is pointless."

Fei Du silently reached over and patted his thick, broad shoulder.

Lu Jia waved a hand. "I love talking to you, even though you sit there the whole time and only say a few words."

"According to social etiquette, I should say something to console you. For example, something like, 'Everything passes. Time will one day make you lose your memories and intellect, so of course it will also heal your wounds.'" At this point, Fei Du heard a car horn honk twice, briefly. He didn't look out the window, simply picked up his jacket and put it over himself. "But that's all nonsense. Even if you wanted hear it, I wouldn't be inclined to say it."

Lu Jia laughed in spite of himself. "President Fei, I think you're simply discriminating based on attractiveness? With me you aren't inclined to say a single extra word, only the great truth, but if there were a pretty young woman sitting here, then wouldn't you carefully adhere to societal norms?"

"Then it's good fortune to be plainer looking. It's not easy to hear the great truth from me," Fei Du said with a great show of earnestness. Then he suddenly turned to Lu Jia. "Lao Lu, I'm not inclined to say it to you, but I talked to a pretty little girl recently and have some words ready-to-hand. Will you listen?"

Having suffered discrimination, Lu Jia helplessly took on a posture of being all ears.

"Each person can be molded by external things. Environment, luck, the people they like, the people they hate…even a person like Lu Guosheng, who makes you want to peel off his skin and rip out his tendons. Murderers use trauma to mold a part of your flesh and blood. That's a fact, whether you're willing or not."

Lu Jia stared at him.

"If it were me, do you know what I'd do? I'd cut off that piece of flesh, let out that bowl of blood, then take an axe to the deformed bones underneath and smash them. I'm not the person gazing into the abyss. I am the abyss." Fei Du gave him a slightly bloody smile. But before the smile could fully develop, the mood was ruined by another horn blast. Fei Du shook his head helplessly and turned to open the car door and get out. "What's the rush?—Drive this car away for me. My parking situation's tight over there. If you like it, then drive it around to your heart's content. Happy New Year."

Lu Jia's lips moved as he watched Fei Du open the door of the car temporarily parked next to them without even checking the license plate. Luo Wenzhou lazily got out of the car and switched to the passenger's seat, waving a hand at Lu Jia. The two of them quickly left, without a second thought for those left behind.

This wasn't Luo Wenzhou's first time living in the duty room for several days in a row. Before it hadn't been a big deal. Apart from finding someone to feed the cat, there'd been nothing else to worry about. None of those times had been like this one. He felt like he'd been sleeping in the duty room for half a lifetime. The first time he'd honked, he'd seen Fei Du respond by starting to put on his jacket, so he'd known he'd heard. But Luo Wenzhou had watched him take a full minute to put on that jacket and dawdle, talking to Lu Jia, and he'd finally been unable to resist basely honking again.

Not seeing each other for a day was like being apart for three years—according to this reckoning, when Fei Du had dawdled for a minute, it was as though he'd dawdled for 18.25 hours; who could endure that?!

As soon as the door closed, Luo Wenzhou was itching with impatience to assault the driver, but considering that the environment was too noisy and there was an indiscreet fat guy behind them watching them go, he resisted the impulse and, very unsatisfied, grumbled, "Were you two plotting to overthrow the authority of the Milky Way? What was that meeting about that you had to spend so long talking?"

Fei Du sighed, steadily turning the steering wheel, maintaining an even speed as he got onto the main road. Then he freed up some time to pull out Luo Wenzhou's groping hand, which was feeling around under his clothes. "I'm going to crash into the guardrail by the road."

While it wasn't visible on Fei Du's face, he was in fact rather at a loss, because the last words Luo Wenzhou had said to him had been, "Fei Du, you prick," truly not at all sweet. These last few days it had been big things followed by little things, and there'd been no time for anyone to pay attention to how anyone else was doing. Now that there was temporarily a free moment, he felt like he was coming back requesting a reconciliation after a couple of days of cold war.

Fei Du had reached his present age having played with his life and played with fire, but he'd never played a "reconciliation after cold war" game with anyone. The earlier "I am the abyss" aura had long ago blown away along with the exhaust. He racked his brains for a moment. "You…"

He hadn't gotten out anything to follow the "you" when he saw Luo Wenzhou slowly withdraw his scrounging hand, bring it close to his nose and sniff it, then lick his fingers.

Fei Du: "…"

"Drive faster," Luo Wenzhou said meaningfully. "I'm starving."

This wasn't the right context for either apologies or explanations. Fei Du tactfully closed his mouth and stepped on the gas pedal, skirting the speed limit.

But maybe his driving was too steady or something; having finished his harassment maneuver, the sleep god Luo Wenzhou turned his head and fell asleep. In a journey only ten minutes long, he efficiently took a nap. When Fei Du shook him awake, Luo Wenzhou blearily stretched in a manner stolen from Luo Yiguo, incidentally grabbing Fei Du's arm and sweeping him into his embrace, vaguely saying, "I'm so sleepy."

"Wake up," Fei Du said. "We're home."

"I don't want to move." Luo Wenzhou lay on him, playing dead for a while. Then, struck by some brainwave, he whined, "Honey, why don't you carry me up on your back?"

Fei Du: "…"

Luo Wenzhou saw him freeze and say nothing for quite some time. Thinking that the worldly President Fei had been stunned by his shamelessness, he shook with laughter.

Then Fei Du suddenly buttoned up his jacket, got out of the car, and went to the other side. Under Luo Wenzhou's dumbstruck gaze, he opened the car door, turned, and half knelt down. "Come on."

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Author's note:

(1) Chinese company that makes educational games for kids and game consoles that run them.