SSSSSSSSSSSSSSS—Rank Reincarnator, Transmigrator, Regressor
THE TRAGIC, GLORIOUS, AND ABSURD DEATH OF COLL APSI: A NATIONAL DISASTER OR A BLESSING IN DISGUISE?
By: A Reporter Who Was Forced to Write This
Ladies and gentlemen, citizens of the internet, and all the unfortunate souls who have nothing better to do than read this article—today, we gather to mourn (or mock) the untimely demise of Coll Apsi, the so-called "number one pro-gamer" of Yggdrasil Online. Yes, you heard that right. The man who dedicated his life to clicking buttons faster than the rest of us has finally clicked his last.
How did it happen, you ask? Was it a tragic accident? A conspiracy? Perhaps the government finally decided to tax gamers for their virtual wealth? No, dear readers. The truth is far more poetic.
Coll Apsi, a man of legendary skill but questionable life choices, was found dead in his apartment. His cause of death? A brain shock caused by excessive stimulation. A poetic way of saying that his brain literally couldn’t handle his own awesomeness. Some might say it was a divine punishment for spending too much money on in-game cosmetics, while others argue it was simply evolution removing the weak from the gene pool.
Now, let’s talk about the crime scene. The authorities found our dear Coll in a rather unique position—doing a full kayang (bridge pose) while his manhood stood at full attention. Some experts suggest this was a final salute to his gacha waifus, while others believe it was a desperate attempt to ascend into another dimension. Either way, it worked. He got isekai’d.
Naturally, the news spread faster than government scandals, and soon, the live chat was flooded with reactions that ranged from genuine sadness to absolute degeneracy. Some fans cried out, “Gone too soon!”, while others immediately began making memes about “Coll Apsi’s Final Form.” There was even a small cult forming, claiming that he had achieved true enlightenment and would return as the God of RNG.
But let’s not forget the family’s response. In a heartwarming display of motherly affection, Coll’s mother, Madam Apsi, was interviewed and gave a truly tear-jerking statement:
"That useless brat! Where’s all his money?! I raised a son, not a broke corpse!"
Indeed, it turns out that despite being a top-tier professional gamer, Coll Apsi somehow managed to spend every single penny he earned on loot boxes, NFTs, and premium battle passes. A true financial mastermind. The government’s tax department, upon realizing there was nothing left to seize, immediately lost interest in the case.
And if you thought that was the end of it—oh no. Even game developers and corporations had something to say. The official Yggdrasil Online Twitter account posted a heartfelt message:
"Rest in peace, Coll Apsi. May your soul continue to grind in another world."
Meanwhile, other game developers jumped on the opportunity, releasing limited-time Coll Apsi tribute skins priced at a very respectful 99.99 dollars. Nothing honors the dead like capitalism, after all.
But perhaps the most unexpected response came from a national agency, which, in a rare moment of self-awareness, tweeted:
"We have reviewed the case and can confirm that Coll Apsi’s death was indeed NOT a government operation. If we were responsible, we assure you it would have looked like a normal heart attack."
Ah, government transparency at its finest.
Of course, conspiracy theories began to spread. Some claimed that Coll had unlocked the secrets of the universe, while others believed he was assassinated by a rival esports team. There was even one theory suggesting that he had successfully hacked the afterlife, leading to an emergency server maintenance in heaven.
DimensionalEater · 游戏
