CH 19

Nodding, she said, "Well, Daphne feels she might need a few extra supplies so we were thinking of ducking over to Diagon Alley later this afternoon to allow the purchase of those items. You're welcome to come along, if you like. But, you don't have to if you don't want to." "No, I've got nothing better to do," he said. "Maybe I'll just come along and help carry bags, or something."

Smiling, she said, "There's no need for someone to carry bags in the wizarding world, Harry. That's what shrinking charms and pockets are for. However, we plan to head into the muggle world tomorrow afternoon. And, as we cannot shrink bags there, there's always a need for bag carriers until we can duck into a Ladies somewhere to shrink them."

"Then I can always just provide company," said Harry with a bit of a shrug. "That is, if no one minds..."

"Of course not," replied Astoria. "Besides, we might see some of my friends there. They'll be ever so jealous if they see me with you." Harry smiled at the chipper young girl before turning to Daphne. "And what about you, Daphne? Do you mind me joining you on your trip to Diagon Alley?"

With a half-hearted huff the girl replied, "No." Before she straightened up a bit and said, "But, be warned, I may be meeting my closest friend, Tracy Davis, there. She'll be in our year at Hogwarts and you might not choose to be around us when we - girl-talk."

"That's okay," Harry replied with a shrug. "I can make myself scarce then, if you need me to. You need your friends and your secrets and I can respect that."

That received Harry another long look from the girl and a knowing smile from his future mother-in-law. With another huff, Daphne half growled at him, "You cannot be that perfect; no one can. You're putting on an act; I can feel it."

With a sigh, Harry said, "My upbringing was not the stuff of those silly books supposedly about my childhood. You know the ones, 'Harry Potter and the Naughty Nundu', for example?"

When the girl nodded back, though reluctantly, he continued in a somewhat sad voice, "When I was growing up with the Dursleys. I was told all sorts of lies about who I was. I was denied having any friends of my own. I was treated like a slave while my fat whale of a cousin was treated like a prince in front of me. One of the things I promised myself, during that time, was never to even think about trying to control anyone else if I was ever able to escape that life; through word, deed or intent. I just will not do it. "When I finally entered the wizarding world - or re-entered - one of the first things I discovered is that I'm contractually betrothed to a girl I'd never met, and had no idea even existed until the same moment. It took me quite some time to contain my anger and think of the situation in a logical manner. Of course, one of the first - revelations - of that introspective thought process was that the girl, though she may have known of me and the contract for some time, was just as trapped by it as I was. And it would be petty and unjust of me to hold her accountable for it.

"Furthermore, because the contract would trap her in one part of her life to be bound to me as my wife and mate, it - behoved me - to ensure that all other aspects of her life were given as much freedom as possible. This, I have vowed to do. "And that's why you won't hear me trying to place any controls on your life. I will do my best not to gainsay you. I will do my best to, not only allow you to live your life, but assist you in living it as best I can. I'm willing, and I daresay want to, share my life with you. I hope you're willing to do the same with me."

After he'd finished his clearly emotional little speech, the table sat in silence for a few moments.

"Damn, Potter," said Daphne in a small voice. "Why do you have to be so bloody noble? Why do you have to be so bloodyperfect?"

"Mind your language, Daphne," said her mother, though there was no heat in the words. It was almost as if she was just going through the motions of saying them. "I don't know about being noble," replied Harry with a shrug. "I just know how I want others to behave concerning me, and try and behave like that towards others. Besides, I know I'm not perfect."

Hesitating a bit, he said, "When I was little I received a major - whack - to the side of my head. I also used to have a lot of trouble staying focussed on whatever it was I was doing at the time. Ever since the whack I've had difficulty maintaining control over my anger.

"I told a teacher about my trouble with both focussing and anger management and he recommended I learn how to meditate. He said that meditation, for some people, allowed them to better control their emotions, aided them in focussing their thoughts, and could also improve their memory retention. "So, I went to the school library - and, later, the public library - and read through books on the subject. That led me into reading other books on controlling your own mind. All muggle techniques. And through those books I learned I have what is called an eidetic memory. Part of the problem I had was that I could remember everything. And that those memories were completely jumbled up and were forcibly intruding - or leaking - onto my consciousness.

"It took some time, but I was able to slowly learn how to meditate. After reaching that state I then attempted to build what Plato referred to as a 'mind palace'. That's something orators of the day would use to organise their thoughts before a major speech. However, instead of being able to build a mind palace such as Plato described, I found myself able to build a palace within my mind that was vividly detailed. "I was then able to sort through my memories, which had appeared in my mind as books, and sort them into library shelves within that palace. It took me many, many months to reach that stage. I also found that the act of doing that helped me in being able to stop the memory intrusions, allowed me to discover the true power of having an eidetic memory, and aided me in controlling my temper.

"Since the day I first started researching meditation I've always been on the lookout for books on controlling your own mind. So, when I first entered the wizarding world almost six weeks ago; and after going to the bank and finding out I had plenty of money available to me, I stopped in at Flourish and Blotts to see if the magical world had similar books. Of course, they do. And I started with a book called 'Introduction to Mind Magicks'. From that I read about Occlumency. "That led me to a self-study book on Occlumency and Legilimency. From that I learned that I was so successful at meditation and building my mind palace, because I was a wizard; and that such things come easier to those such as us. I also learned I could isolate that part in my mind where my anger bubbles away - I see it now as a seething giant cauldron, by the way - and I was able to wall it off separating it from the 'core' me, and put some basic controls on it.

"Now I can almost consciously monitor the condition of the cauldron and have a way to - calm the contents of it back down. But it's an ongoing process and I have to constantly set aside time to ensure that the cauldron doesn't overflow; that my anger does not get the better of me.

"So, I'm sorry to say, I'm going to come across as being quite - emotionless - when I should be showing signs of strong emotion. Some of the kids where I went to school in the muggle world thought I was turning into a robot; an android; something other than human. They picked on me, somewhat, for it.

"However, I'm not always successful. There has been the rare time where my emotions have nearly gotten the better of me. At those times I get a splitting headache and feel as if I'm being suffocated. But - I've never become violent with anyone during those times. I just tend to rant and rave for a while, until I can get my anger back into check - and calm that cauldron down again."

"Secondly, people who lie to me really upset me. When I was growing up my aunt and uncle kept telling me I was a worthless freak and that I should thank my lucky stars they were kind enough to give me a place to live; that my drunken bum of a father got he and my - whore - of a mother killed in a car crash. The same car crash they said..." he lifted his fringe to indicate the scar on his forehead, "...gave me this scar."

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