Missed Connection

10 Jan,XXXX ,a day in my life I'll never forget.

I opened my eyes to see the sunlight peeking through the curtains. My eyes wandered to the clock on the wall.

8'o clock, phew, what a relief!

"I don't want to be late for this day"

I said as I stare at the ceiling.

Drifting towards the memories of the past.

5 years ago, the same day I woke up early to get to school. We had a morning shift so, I have to be there at 6'o clock.

Mom woke me early, I lazily washed up , packed my lunch. Still, in my dizzy state I get into my school van.

Leaning against the window, looking at the passing street with school kids walking by and very few trees gaze past.

Slightly smiling and letting the cool air in I sigh.

Finally few days left for school, then directly I have to go for final exams I thought.

Suddenly, van screeched to a halt, another girl gets in.

I quickly shift inside to make her sit beside me.

She closed the door and turned towards me with eyes saying ' bro, how did you woke up early' in reply I raised my eyebrow and saying like 'what did you take me as? '

Then we talked about what I brought for lunch and share our insider news ' our secret khabri' .

Thinking about the past, I say we gossip a lot, it's not that we back bitch. I must say gossip comes to us, we just share it among us.

Our small road trip ended by the time we get off the van. We walked into the school gate.

As usual, we followed the daily routine of school.

There is not much to study as we already completed our course ahead of time.

We sit on the different seats, she sits in front with other's, while I usually sit at the back alone.

It's not that I want to but I don't have anyone beside her to sit with.

While she is popular, smart and has many friends, I was polar opposite with slightly above average grade.

Even though I'm in the same group with her, I can feel though that all our group members especially our guy friend prioritize her.

I can clearly feel the difference.

I feel they are ashamed of me, they didn't post photos together with me. Neither they share personal talks with me.

For that moment of time maybe I felt hurt and had self- doubts.

Sometimes, a feeling of insecurity, inferiority, and self doubt drown yourself too deep into it  that you won't think what you are doing or saying.

Even saying thing that you really don't actually feel.

What was I thinking that time? Was I felt inferior to you? Did I blame you for not comforting me or notice my pain?

Whatever it was I regretted and still regretting.

It was lunch time, I was sitting alone in the back with very few people in the class. She has gone with her friends to canteen.

So, I started eating alone, making myself look occupied as much as possible. She came back to drink water.

Looking in her bag, she asked me did I bring a water bottle, I didn't reply, she comes to my desk and asked bro, why are you eating alone?

I said nothing again.

Poking at my arm, she keeps on nudging, noticing me still not replying, she just took my lunch box away.

I stood up to take it back but she keeps on backing away.

"Ah, hey , say something idiot."

I was so angry that I said something that I later regretted. Something that I never wanted to say. Something that I'll regret my whole life.

If you asked me if I want to go back to that day and take my words back, then I'll surely say yes, please.

"Give me back my lunch. You don't have your mother to give you lunch but I do." I shouted.

She froze.

Putting my lunch box back, she walks away.

I said nothing, even though I felt bad for what I said, but I was angry and clouded with my self doubts and insecurity that I blamed her .

I had known that she doesn't have a mother, I still remembered that how she share about her mother's accident.

Maybe that was my biggest mistake that I said nothing.

So, we never talked that whole day and never talk till now.

It still feels so unreal how Yesterday i ended up texting her and how we decided to meet at 11 today.

I took a deep breath, still slightly feeling nervous i stood up from bed.

'Today I must ask for her forgiveness.' I encourage myself.

I washed, and had my breakfast at 10:30 am.

Just 30 min left, looking at the time, I stood up for leave.

"Mumma, I'm going to meet my friend. I'll be back in 3 hrs."

"First Clean your room, then go "

I started Sulking.

Seeing her picking up a broom, I run towards the room.

Phew, I started cleaning the room, by the time I finished cleaning, it's already 11:30.

She must be waiting, I sweated thinking.

I run downstairs, but halted due to the  news playing on the TV.

'Blast took place near the women washroom around 11:00 am on the ABC street. The intensity of the blast is huge.

The identity of a possible suspect, whose body was found at the explosion site, is being ascertained. Four persons who were injured are in stable condition. Bomb disposal squad is at the site. Police conducting a search at the Court complex. A team of NSG is also coming here.'

The sound of the news is still playing in the background but I can't listen anymore.

Everything turn blank.

I run out , Desperately keeps on calling her phone number, but no one picked up.

That's the same place I texted her to meet today.

I prayed while running that like maybe

she was also late or maybe she hasn't even came.

I stopped by police vans and crowd ahead. I looked around.

Everywhere there were bodies with no heads.

There was a woman screaming while she was holding her baby and she screamed: 'Where is my baby?' someone told her she was holding her child but she said she had one other that she couldn't find.

I saw blood everywhere.

There was a man whose chest was completely open – he had no more legs.

Next to him was a second man whose body was shaking.

Glass everywhere, the peculiar odor of burning human flesh rose everywhere.

What I felt then and still feel now I just can't explain with words.

This is the day I'll never forget, this is the day I truly lost my friend.

Many days gone by after that incident, in the starting few days my parents tried to talk about it, comforts me.

I too tried to open up but my self-blame overwhelmed every other thing.

As days went by they too stop talking about it. Everything returns to normal.

People keep on going to look forward to next day again with new hope, some with pain and memories.

Some like me living with self blame and regret.

Today too I ended up coming here, in front of her home. Looking at the building I can still see relative, friends coming in and out giving their condolences.

I don't have courage to go inside.

What will I do? Ask for their forgiveness? Get on the knees? Do I even deserve forgiveness?

I asked myself this many times in these past few days.

"Beta, do you want to come inside?"

Suddenly, i snapped out of my daze, I turned around to see a man in his 50's . looking at the same old face who used to tell us horror stories and laugh with us.

Looking at the wrinkles at the corner of the eyes and deep dark circle.

He aged I thought. I nodded with my head lowered.

I followed him inside, there are few people inside maybe her relatives.

Uncle, asked me to sit on the sofa, while he walked inside.

I looked around to see her photo hanging.

In the meantime uncle came with 2 cups of tea and a diary in the tray. I took the tray from his hands and put in on the table.

Neither he said anything after that nor did he asked me anything we finished tea in silence.

"It's getting dark outside, you should go home." He said as he stood up, he walked me out.

For the whole time i lowered my head, I know that he knew that day her daughter came to meet me.

At the door he looked at me and said

"Thankgod you are safe" i looked up to him in shocked.

I can only see relief and pain in his old eyes.

I want to reply that sorry, it is only me that's safe but I can't.

I felt something stuck in my throat. I felt suffocated.

Tears are threatring to came out.

He sigh, looking at me like that.

Passing me the diary he said 'its not your fault. Don't blame youself too much.'

Petting my head few times he urged me to go home.

For the whole journey back home, I keep thinking of his eyes when he said thank God you're safe.

I know that it's impossible to not blame me for that accident but a part of his heart felt relieved seeing me alive.

I can clearly see these overwhelming emotions from his eyes.

Half sitting half leaning against the bed head, I started reading the diary.

'1april , today our new teacher came.....'

Surprisingly, this is her personal diary she used to kept in her school life.

Her messy handwriting with vividly describing the event took place are funny.

I kept on reading silently as I had gone back to those days .

' today too she didn't join us for lunch..'

' she is eating alone again'

A bitter smile appeared on my face. So, she noticed I thought.

In the room, only the sound of turning of pages can be heard.

'10 Jan,

....Why did she say that? It hurts when she said that. Even if she begs me, I'll never forgive her..... '

'11 Jan, 

.....She still didn't say sorry. Why is she showing me attitude? I don't even want her sorry....

'15 Jan,

...Few days left. I forgot why I even was angry with her...'

'16 Jan,

...Last day, I won't able to see her again. Is this what they called fallen friendship? Well, should I go to her and say hello? She won't like it, right?,....'

Closing my eyes ,I took a deep cold breath In.

'So, it is only me ? I thought.

"Why didn't I try to hang on our friendship?

Without even trying I...I..."

Tears stream down though my cheeks.

I tried to weep it again and again, but it continues to stream down..

With shaky hands I continue to turn pages,

I pause on the diary entry on the day before the accident.

'09 Jan XXXX,  ah, what should I do ? She texted me today. I was so nervous that my hands are shaking. I waited for a long time, finally!

This time I'll fix everything.

I want to tell her  'bro, don't act bossy , you'll be my only maid in this life, got it ? ..ahem...well, if maid not then butler? Okay fine a helping citizen.'

'How dare she ignore me? I'll definitely beat her to pulp.'

I was speechless.

Maid, butler ? What the hell!

Shaking my head I sigh.

' With her skinny muscle she had an illusion of beating me.'

Even I didn't notice when slowly a smile slipped into my face.

Putting the diary aside, and turning the lights off I drifted into the darkness.

For the first time in a couple of days, I slept well.

I suppose I may live well...