A Fine First Day in the Office

"Oh my." Nolan expressed with wide eyes, "We will definitely be going with the traditional Viltrumite kilt, Art."

"Jesus kid, I can't tell if you are more obscene coming or going." the elderly super tailor spat.

I stood before my dad and Art Rosenbaum in the latter's high tech basement wearing the first draft of my super hero suit. A skin tight and all red version of the Omni-Man suit with black decals minus the gloves and cape. It fully displayed the fact that my gold finger considers genitals a power and added the mass of the Immortal's cock and balls to Mark's own, thus birthing the super dick and his two pals the ultra balls in their incredibly smooth sack stretched taunt from the girthy weight of my jewels.

And someone better call Dick Grayson, cause there is a contender to the throne of most delicious ass in comics and it is on my backside.

Hence my rated R status both coming and going.

"Makes sense." I admitted, "People may not be able to ID supers off the face, but no one who knows me would ever fail to ID this ass. It's why I can't do undercover work, sadly."

"What a shame, kid. Truly." Art scoffed, "I'll get right on the kilt while contemplating the fact that for the first time in my life I've seen a man's butt I want to get more familiar with."

"Thanks for the spinal chill, Art." I chuckled, "Let's add the gold accents. Class it up a bit."

"Is there something wrong with my… humble suit?" Nolan sneered at my frippery.

I nodded, "Your suit says, 'I make my money writing travel books.' Mine will say, 'I make my money pulling ore rich asteroids out of space.'"

"You're never going to let me live that down!" Nolan growled in frustration, "Forgive me for trying to contribute to the culture of this planet, I'd never worked for money in my very, very, long life before. I should have just pulled a couple of asteroids along with me when I came to Earth."

"Well at least you know better now. The best way to live life is to always be working on self improvement." I grinned at the man while he looked ready to blow a gasket… or his O-Ring.

"I… are you done yet Art?" Nolan asked the man working the textiles, "I'm hoping to find some bad guy or kaiju to toss Mark around a bit. Deflate that fathead a bit."

"Better whip up some extra suits then." I told the veteran tailor, "I'll put you on retainer for it."

"Works for me, kid." Art grinned as he put the finishing touches on the suit then tossed it to me, "Let me know if you need any alterations made from this prototype."

I pulled on the new gold and kilt clad suit and gave it a twirl.

"I feel way less gay already." Art laughed.

"Who can blame you for that, Art." I chuckled, "I certainly can't."

"Ready for the big start?" Nolan smirked under his ultra thick mustache.

"Been waiting years for this." I responded.

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"Alright. Once we get this done we'll do some fun hero stuff. Maybe get some matching capes made out of a giant monster we destroy." Omni-Man grinned while he called the Guardians of the Globe in for an emergency muster.

"You do your thing." I told him, "I'll harmonize."

We waited in the darkness while the best super hero team in the world assembled, asking each other who called muster, and with the final arrival of Darkwing the real show began.

My father took off just a fraction of a second ahead of me, targeting the Immortal, and Red Rush the team's speedster kicked it into gear to push the ambushed man out of the way. He did not manage to save Darkwing though, who I introduced to the most lethal weapon in the setting, the Viltrumite hand spear. That left only Aquarius on ranged disrupt, but my opening gambit didn't end there.

In the time it took the Guardians to shift focus from my father who's momentum carried him before them with his missed attack, I chucked the corpse of Darkwing to the inexperienced Green Ghost, the member most likely to escape due to her intangibility powers. Omni-Man rushed Aquarius before my throw, putting Red Rush once more into motion to save the blue fish man.

Ghost realized her mistake as she caught the caped crusader as I followed behind him to deliver her the ol' spear hand to the face, a perfect no reflex kill again.

"Mark! Why?" the Immortal cried out when he recognized my uncovered face.

I'd met the team several times prior, and even worked with both Darkwing's and War Woman's corporations in materials acquisition, pulling specific asteroids from the system to Earth. The distraction of my positive ID got Red Rush caught, his incoming punch now locked in the adamantium vice of my father's hand.

The speedster delivered enough punches to break his very durable hands while Nolan crushed his head between his in only a heartbeat, successfully tearing through my father's costume and bruising his chest.

"Why have you done this?" the Immortal yelled as the Martian Man stretched and constricted his body around my father and the undying warrior gave him a hefty right overhand.

War Woman came in to hit him with her round mace, but I tackled her into Aquarius. The fish man blasted us off him briefly with his water summoning power, but War Woman took the brunt for me and I dodged aside the attack after she slipped by me.

I took the fish man's head off with one clean karate chop, and all the combatants remaining took a breath.

"There must be someone controlling them." the Immortal stated as he helped War Woman up.

"Regardless…" she huffed, "It's them or us."

"It's definitely you all who are dying here." I added helpfully to their conversation, "Well… accept you Immortal. We'll just have to scatter your head and limbs and let you rest in what I assume is an oblivion-like state of being."

Martian Man tried to get me while I was monologuing, but I impaled the slower being's core reducing his body to slack rubbery mass.

War Woman and the Immortal gritted their teeth as they circled off with us.

"How do you feel about concubinage?" I offered the last remaining female of the Guardians.

"Mark, focus on the mission." Nolan commanded without breaking eye contact with the Immortal.

"I am." I responded, "She is the closest thing to a Viltrumite female this planet has to offer. If she dies here we will not be able to discover what kind of offspring she can produce for the Empire."

"That's why you are doing this?" the Immortal growled, "For some homeworld you weren't born on! That you have never seen!"

"I admire your accomplishments and grit, Abraham," I addressed the man whose powers I wielded welded to my own seamlessly, "but your continued operation reduces the likelihood of our peaceable suborning of key personnel to our clean takeover of this world."

"As for you." I addressed War Woman, "The only way you leave this situation alive is as my concubine. Make your choice now."

War Woman swung her mace with all her might which I slipped under and snatched her legs for a takedown. Though strong and skilled, she could not resist me during the scramble and flailed helplessly while I snapped her neck.

Afterwards we quickly wiped up any of our blood with shamwows - truly the serial killer's towel of choice - and Nolan put on a fresh costume. We hunted down a rampaging Kaiju while we buried the Immortal's parts deep in separate gravesites and put in an order for matching capes before heading home for a dinner of fantastic meatloaf and garlic mashed potatoes. We even enjoyed some vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce. I don't usually use chocolate sauce outside the bedroom, but it's non-sexual versatility cannot be denied.

A fine end to a fine first day in the office.