Married to a woman

I know my wife's mood, even in my cell phone's notepad, now my diary, I already wrote about her angry outburst. We had known each other for a short time, it was a recent relationship, yet this was her behavior because I hadn't gone to meet her as we had agreed. I didn't even see time pass, because I was in the arms of a beautiful and fiery man. It was always like that, when I was late it was because I was always with a man.

Notepad on my cell phone:”

“She was angry that I hadn’t come to meet her the night before as we had agreed. Her cloudy eyes darkened the atmosphere of the restaurant, her face indicated that she was ready to kill someone. Unfortunately that someone would be me. When I offered him some of the soda, I saw darkness take over his eyes and moments later I found myself bathed in that drink. That was the first fight between me and Sandra.”

Now, the light in the room was off. And Sandra, sitting on the arm of the sofa, waited for me like a predator waits for its prey. She opened the door and sat back down on the arm of the sofa, very irritated. The little light that came from a light in the room was unable to show the disappointment and hatred on his face.

And although I knew the script for the fight, I couldn't predict what she was capable of doing. If there was one thing she was good at, it was this: surprising. So, I walked in silently, placed the briefcase and keys on the table next to the sofa, looked at her without saying anything and stood in front of her.

A disturbing silence takes over that scene. I knew that no matter how long that silence took, I would have to wait for her to start fighting. There was nothing in the world that Sandra hated more than being asked about her anger. If it weren't for the tension between us, the moment would have been comical. In the dim light we stood in front of each other for about three minutes, then she ordered me to sit down and then sat down next to me.

As if nothing had happened, she starts crying and hugs me. That was the surprise of the fight, it had never happened. I look at her movedly and with my fingertips I caress her face. The affection scared her and like a wild animal, she stood up abruptly and turned on the light in the room, ordering me to show her hands.

- I don't know why I still fool myself with you, João Neto! – she said disappointedly.

- What are you talking about? – I ask, confused by such a sudden change in mood.

She approaches me and asks me to show my hands in the bright light in the room, bright as the sun on a day at the beach. I obey. And a mark on the skin of my finger scares me, the ring was gone. The first feeling when I realized the absence of the ring was lying. And then I said that I had left it at the newspaper office, but that I could go get it if she wanted.

- And why did you take off your ring at work? – she asks, irritated.

Without having a convincing answer, I say that I hadn't taken it. And I try to justify that the alliance could have fallen. But Sandra was not naive and if there was one thing she knew, it was sweet talk and sure enough, she realized that I was misleading her. Her mood changes again in a way that doesn't seem possible for a human being, and then she turns on lecture mode.

Of the fight script that I knew, this was the worst part. However, it was the last. So, it was up to me to simply shut up and listen to her remember our entire story. In front of me, she tells how we met and says that if I had met her in a fight, it was because she wasn't an idiot and didn't accept humiliation from anyone.

Her sparks spark as she tells the story that I know, because it is also my story. However, I remain silent. I do this out of guilt. I want to scream louder than her or get out of there and spend the night in Willian's bed where I receive affection and attention. With Willian, at least I feel pleasure. Do not say anything. I listen in silence to his long speech. And she continues.

She talks about when she took me to the newspaper so I could do an internship and says I didn't have to stay with her. My job had nothing to do with marriage. And then, it comes to the present moment when I had lost the ring. I remain silent during the long fifteen minutes of the sermon. The silence served to remind me why my wife was in a bad mood: she was menstruating. And I discovered this because she mentioned it at some point in her speech.

It wasn't that she had PMS. Menstruation was a frustration in Sandra's life. Her dream was always to be a mother and since we were dating she had been trying to get pregnant. Therefore, that monthly event reminded her that her greatest desire in life had not yet been fulfilled.

- I'm sorry my love! -I exclaim, getting up to hug her, upon hearing that she got her period again. But she refuses to hug me and says that I would sleep in the office while I was without the ring.

The moment I saw my companion in pieces isolating herself in the room, I felt like the worst human being on earth, because on that very painful night for Sandra, I was experiencing moments of great pleasure. Just because I wasn't sexually attracted to Sandra doesn't mean I don't love her. Love has nothing to do with sex. I regularly had sex with men and didn't love them, and I rarely had sex with my wife, but I loved her like I had never loved anyone else.

I'm going to the office, I needed to sleep, the day had been very tiring. And even though another of the many fights was happening, I knew everything was going to be okay. Sandra would calm down and everything would go back to normal. My wife's anger was the explosive type, if I allowed her to vent all her feelings, the next day she was fine. He treated me as if nothing had happened.

It took me a long time to understand this. At the beginning of our relationship, I responded to his outbursts and we spent days being unhappy with each other. As I began to observe her, I noticed that although she was very explosive, she didn't hold any hurt or grudges. So I started to control myself in the face of his outbursts. It became easier to control myself when I started to realize that I was to blame for his behavior. So the remorse I felt for cheating on her with men allowed me to remain silent when she exploded.

Already lying down, with the disturbing guilt haunting my thoughts, I conclude that the ring could only have stayed at the house of the boy with whom I spent the afternoon. And when I call Willian I discover that my wedding ring was there, forgotten in a prostitute's bathroom . And this increased my remorse even more . How can I sleep with so much guilt eating away at my soul?

I decided to think that it wasn't my fault that I was gay. My sexual orientation was not a defect. Even though I tried to comfort myself, I knew that although I wasn't to blame for my sexual desires, I was very much to blame for my actions. I remember Tiago, it was my fault we moved away. Maybe if he had grown up with me, we would have had more time to develop a loving feeling. I speak for his part, because for my part, he was the only boy I felt anything more than sexual desires for. If we had stayed together, I would have married a woman.

However, all this is in the past. I need to face my reality. I am a man married to a woman, who pretends to be straight, but dates other men to satisfy my sexual desires. And in this lifestyle of mine, knowing how to lie is essential. I don't like to see myself as a liar. Sleep doesn't come and these thoughts torment me.