Fuck you Askavan

Before I knew it, things changed and came my fifth birthday. But along with the birthday came a shocking surprise just five days before. 

"What do you mean?" I said. "You can't be serious. What about you?" My voice rose oddly high.

I never liked yelling. Not in my last life, and definitely not in this one. Yelling felt like I was losing…. 

"I'll be here. Once you come back from your trip, we'll-"

"Mom!" I yelled. "Ten years. Ten years is a long time!"

She stared down. Her eyes, unwavering. "Yes. But your education is also very important."

"I don't need to go to school!" Heck, as long as I had books-

No. That wasn't it. Learning was important. Specially since my talents were non-existent. I knew all that. However… "But Mom, I have to make regular offerings and-" And I was making excuses. I knew I couldn't stay. She wouldn't allow me to. Especially when my balls were on the line, and the church wanted me dead. But I still should have had at least 5 more years, right?

I still had a lot to learn. I still wanted to stay with her. I still-

"I'll take care of that."

"But I can't just leave you!"

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" She yelled, raised a hand up to hit me. But she never did. "That's enough. You're going. If you don't go, the church would take you and put a collar on you like a slave. Do you want me to see that? Do you want me to see my boy become a slave or be executed?"

I balled my fists… but… I didn't have anything to say in return; she was right. "Okay…" In the end, I had to accept.

I had to accept this world's ridiculous rules.

Sigh. Fuck you Askavan.

Fuck you God.

*** 

Mom didn't tell me anything. So I went on a final training session with Den. I went at him blindly, swinging my knife, taking out my rage on him. He just dodged everything, not once hitting me back. 

We went at it for hours, and eventually I fell on the grass, face first. 

As usual, Den sat next to me but he didn't say anything. I didn't either. We stayed like that for some time.

Eventually Den started talking. "It'll be primarily a Western school, so-" 

"So, you can't come see me."

"No, 'you' can't come see us."

"I see. Works perfectly for you."

"What?"

"With me gone, nothing is stopping Mom from-"

Flick! The guy flicked my forehead hard, and with an absurd amount of force. "You know that's not true," he said. "You're young. You're smart. But I get the feeling that you don't trust me at all Sol."

"No, I trust you."

But I also doubted him. I doubted myself. I doubted everyone ever since I came here. I guess… I really didn't trust them. He was right. 

"Then have a bit more faith.

"Life's not short Sol. You'll have time to get everything back. Maybe you won't get back your childhood, maybe these days would never return. 

"But as long as you're fine, as long as you keep on living, everything would be fine. You'll probably detest us for doing this, but eventually you'll understand." 

"But what if they investigate me in the school. They'll easily figure out how weak I am."

"Why do you think I've been teaching you? Most kids start learning after they're five. You started two years too early. They'll eventually catch up to you, but you just have to try harder. Your life, depends on you."

"And what about after that ten-year period?"

"I was hoping you'd shape up a bit more, maybe wiggle your way into some noble brat's room and… well-" He chuckled. 

"I'm five." I said, deadpan.

"Well," he ruffled my hair. "Not anymore kid. You're an adult from here on out… sort of."

Yeah but…I was five!

*** 

As a graduation ceremony Den gave me three things. One, a bow, 'bout half the size of a typical compound, which he never taught me how to use: Actually, he didn't teach me anything other than just how to build up my strength and stamina. Two, a robe that was way too big for me and just draped everywhere. And three, a book. 

"I know how much you love reading them, so," so he got something for me. 

It was the same one he bought for me. I guess the guy finally rescued the book from Mom's clutches and got me the book. Too bad I neglected learning the Western tongue. I mean Zena did attempt to teach me but I hardly tried. I still have a couple of days. And I sort of knew the alphabet… hmmm….

I actually didn't get to read books and I never went back to James either. So why or how these people got the idea that I 'liked' books, was kind of concerning.

"Thanks Den."

"You're welcome kid."

I was going to be sent off to somewhere called Saint Schalion Academy. I was slated to spend approximately ten years there. Alone. 

Den did say he was going to visit every now and then with Mom but, I doubted that statement. The reason they were sending me off was to hide the fact that there were rumors about me. Yes, rumors. Mom first found out about those rumors back at Lyra's party and ever since then she'd been freaking out. And her worries had turned to paranoia basically. That priest entering our house in the dead of night didn't do her any favors. Besides, killing a priest was a cardinal sin. So- technically- Mom might have been a fugitive. Sort of. And I even heard her say stuff along the lines of how she was ready to leave any day now…. 

I got that she was worried and even paranoid to some degree but… but I didn't want to leave her. I didn't want to leave behind such comfort.

Comfort? 'Is comfort the reason why I don't want to go?'

What about love? What about Family and friends? What about Mom?

The more I thought about it, the more shit I felt. I was just using these people. I was manipulating their trust. And I never even got to say I wasn't just a five-year-old. Though I had a feeling they really did know. 

In the end, did I deserve their trust? Did I deserve their love?