Ch 31 Severus' Decision

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After Dumbledore left, Lily tried to get some sleep.

Half an hour later, it was clear that wasn't going to happen any time soon. Her mind was ablaze with thoughts of what was to come.

She was going to join the Order of the Phoenix, fighting against Voldemort alongside the likes of Dumbledore. Certainly, it would be risky, but the chance to really make a difference...it was worth it.

And if Severus were beside her…

Lily hugged her pillow, knowing there was a goofy grin on her face, but not caring. The two of them working together to stand against the darkness, protecting Britain beneath the stars at night, it would be like a dream come true.

She could imagine it now, the two of them facing down an army of Voldemort's Death Eaters, but not giving an inch. Severus would stand triumphant, his eyes like pools of iron as he sent masked wizards hurtling away by the dozens. Lily herself would be like quicksilver, radiant and agile, not letting a single spell get within a hundred feet of the dynamic duo.

Hell, the Death Eaters wouldn't stand a chance! And when the battle was over, Severus would look at her, beads of sweat pouring down that stoic face as he reached for her, determination etched upon his brow and-

Lily cut that thought off with a giggle, shaking her head. Although a very pleasant fantasy, there was one problem with the whole scenario: Severus was probably going to say no.

Well, maybe.

Either way, she needed to talk to him as soon as possible. First thing in the morning. And so, Lily shut her eyes, determined to drift off to sleep.

That didn't work either. Thirty minutes later, her eyes were shut, the only noise being the ticking of the clock, but she just could not fall asleep.

She couldn't stop thinking about the conversation she knew she'd be having with Severus in the morning, plotting all the wayward paths the conversation could take. What if he said yes? What if he said no? What if he said no and she persuaded him to say yes? What if he died trying to help her?

That last thought was the clincher. It might be almost midnight, but she needed to talk to him, now.

Grabbing her robes and wand, Lily snuck out of the house. Before she could listen to the doubts telling her this was a ridiculous idea, she had already apparated.

The Matthews family home loomed over her, tonight having settled for something that vaguely resembled a prison combined with a Muggle manufacturing plant. Under the light of the moon, it stood, lifeless and chilling as a grave.

Shivering in spite of the warm summer night, Lily nibbled her lip as she held a pebble in her hand. Now that she wasn't in her room, this didn't seem quite as good an idea as it had before.

But then, Lily was a Gryffindor, so sucking in her breath, she hurled the small stone at Severus' window with a grace and accuracy few Chasers could match, rapping against the window.

Then...she waited.

A light came on, the window opened, and the disheveled face of Evelyn Matthews popped out, peering blearily down at her. Their eyes met for but a moment, then Evelyn vanished back inside.

Oops.

Lily froze. Only remembering now that the house was facing away from her rather than toward her, so rather than Severus' room...yeah. Oops indeed.

However, before Lily's cheeks could melt in sheer embarrassment, Evelyn returned to the window, wand in hand. With a few quick waves, a long, sturdy rope trailed down to Lily.

After a moment's thought, Lily started climbing.

Reaching the top without further incident, Lily found herself in the room of Evelyn Matthews.

She wasn't sure what she'd been expecting, maybe something raunchy, but it certainly wasn't this. Dozens of dolls lined the shelves, each with big eyes and bright smiles, while everything in her room seemed to be some shade of pink, especially the four-poster in the corner, which must have had a dozen stuffed animals lying atop it, arranged in a semicircle around the foot it the bed.

It was like some catalogue for young girls had vomited up on the floor.

Lily raised an eyebrow.

Her too-small t-shirt and boyshorts at odds with her room's appearance, Evelyn smirked right back. "What can I say? I like plush. Now, I assume you were here for Severus. Be right back…"

Lily glanced around one more time and shook her head. Mental. Absolutely mental. Still, who was she to judge Evelyn's choice in decor?

Spying a chair with pink heart cushions, Lily settled down to wait.

Five minutes passed, a Disney-like clock slowly ticking as her nervousness grew. It had seemed like a good idea at the time, but it was the dead of the night, and she hasn't exactly been invited...

Five more minutes passed.

Okay, what was taking them so long? Did it really take that long to wake Severus up? Or was this some mean joke of Evelyn's? Leaving her here all night? Enough was enough.

Lily was about to head for the door and see what was keeping them, when it opened, Severus standing there in threadbare pajamas, all deliciously disheveled and with a spiral notebook in hand, Evelyn behind.

"Lily," Severus said. "Um...I am glad to see you, but…" He bit his lip, eyes flickering back and forth as he trailed off.

Evelyn chuckled. "Alright, I'll leave the two of you to handle this." She turned to Severus with an easy nod. "It's up to you now."

As she left, Severus gulped, then sat on the edge of the bed furthest from Lily while still being across from her, clutching that notebook in his hands.

Lily frowned. Okay, this was getting awful weird. But then again, it was the middle of the night. Deciding that now wasn't the right time to start quizzing him, she took a deep breath.

"So, I'm guessing you're wondering why I'm here so late at night," Lily said. "Well...I was having trouble sleeping, and well...I really wanted to see you."

"And ah, why did you...?" Severus trailed off, his expression one she hadn't seen on him before. It was guarded, but at the same time open...vulnerable, really. He shuffled as if he both feared being too close and yet yearned to draw nearer.

Lily bit her lip. What was going on? "You see, I spoke to Dumbledore earlier tonight. He's worried about the murders, Voldemort, and his Death Eaters. So…" How to say it...she didn't want to put it badly. "...he wanted to know if we would be willing to join him in fighting against Voldemort."

"Oh... that's why you are here?" Severus' shoulders sagged. "I thought...nevermind." His cheeks went rather pink, and he mumbled something she couldn't hear.

"That's it?" Lily crossed her arms over her chest. "What's got you acting so weird?"

"It is...ah...um." Severus turned about as red as her house colors. "Given how late it is already, Evelyn and I thought you might be here for…" He coughed. "...other reasons."

"What do you…?" Lily's eyes went wide. "Oh! You mean sex?"

Severus squeaked at that. "I...uh…" He looked down at the notebook he still had clutched in his hands like a life preserver. "She had some suggestions, you see, so I would not be...unprepared."

Lily peered at the notebook. Phrases like 'Recommended positions are man on top or woman on top.', 'Make sure she finishes.' and 'Foreplay. Foreplay. Foreplay.' leapt out at her. Her face heated up, along with a bit further down.

"Wow...she seems like…" Lily fumbled for the right words, while trying to resist the urge to imagine Severus on top of her, breathless and pressing her to the bed… Yeah, she didn't resist all that well.. "Thorough. Yeah, let's go with that."

"Oh yes." Severus nodded vigorously. "She said if I needed the help, she'd tutor me personally…" He paused, seeming to realize how that had sounded. Quickly, he finished. "In a very, very nonphysical manner. Hands-off teaching, if you will."

"Well, it's good to see that you'll be well-learned…" Lily moved over next to him, winking at him as his eyes popped, wondering what might happen if she wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him into a deep kiss… One of the buttons to his pajama bottoms was undone. Tilting her head, she could almost see-

No, hard as it was to remember, she had something important to discuss with him. Shaking her head to empty it of such...naughty imagery, she said, "Now, we were going to discuss Voldemort, I believe."

"Yes, Voldemort." Severus cleared his throat. Taking a deep breath, he said, "While the situation in Britain is indeed very concerning, I am not certain if I am ready to risk my life fighting against him. Between that, and certain...difficulties I have had with Dumbledore in the past, I will likely decline."

"Alright, that's okay."

Severus raised his eyebrows. "Really? You are okay with me not joining?"

Lily shrugged. "While I won't say I prefer it, it's your choice, Sev."

"Ah." Severus peered at her intently. "Are you...sure?"

"Of course! It's not like when you were talking about joining the Death Eaters. It's one thing to join You-Know-Who. That...no, not an option. But I'm not going to drag you into a fight that isn't yours, especially if you'd have to fight your friends…" Lily paused, making a face as she remembered how they'd treated him. "...or rather, the toerags you consider friends anyway."

Severus started to smile, ever so slightly. "Thank you, Lily. It means a lot to me."

"Don't worry, I'll just tell Dumbledore that you thought about it, but only I will be joining."

"That's…" Severus froze. "Wait, you are joining?"

"Of course I am. You-Know-Who wants to corrupt and destroy everything I love about the Wizarding world. Joining the Order of the Phoenix lets me fight back."

"And what good would that be? Have you ever been in a fight? You couldn't beat one of the Dark Lord's minions, let alone actually face him! All you would achieve is your own death." Severus' voice crept higher and higher with each sentence. "No, I won't let you do this!"

"You won't let me?"

"No, I...I…you are very important to me. I won't let you die pointlessly!"

Lily ground her teeth, but tried to remain calm. "Severus Snape, this isn't your decision. I'm going to fight, and I hope that you will respect my choice."

"But…" Severus sighed. "...I do not want to lose you."

Lily's heart softened. Squeezing his arm, she pulled him closer. "I know, and I don't want to die either, but I need to do this."

For a moment, Severus looked as if he might argue further, but in the end he bowed his head.

"Alright, but you are not going to do it alone. I am joining, too!"

"Sev, you don't have to-"

"I know I do not have to, but if you think I am going to stay behind while you risk your life, you are madder than Sirius Black. If you are in this, I am too. Your fights are my fights."

Lily hugged him tight. "Thank you, Sev."

She didn't want him risking his life in a fight that wasn't his own, but the look in his eyes told her that he meant every word of what he was saying.

And the warm feeling in her heart said that she wouldn't have it any way.

...X...

Dear Medusa,

After some deliberation, I have decided to join those who are fighting against Voldemort. It is an ironic position given my thoughts even a few months ago, but I feel that it is the right choice.

However, I must admit that I have my concerns.

It is one thing for a prospective Death Eater to change their mind before joining. It is another thing entirely for them to blatantly go against the Dark Lord. Having just dealt with a group of bullies recently, I have no desire to antagonize another one.

It is probably best that I keep this change of heart private for now, only a few knowing.

As for your message.

Honestly, I am not sure what my girlfriend could do that would make me feel better about the whole situation.

Perhaps all there is to do is forgive and let time pass.

Besides, all this aside, I am genuinely happy with her. I am very fond of her…

No, that's not quite right.

The truth is, I love her, and hope I can spend the rest of my life with her.

No matter how short that might be.

Sincerely,

Perseus

Lily didn't know what to make of the letter. It seemed that Severus had a sound plan for taking care of the issues he'd brought up, and she was glad that Severus had forgiven her.

No, more than that, he loved her.

She should have been incredibly glad to hear that, and part of her was. But even though she'd heard exactly what she wanted to, another part of her was disappointed somehow…

...and she wasn't sure why.

...X…

The next morning, Lily was still confused about the whole situation, so when Mary showed up she was a welcome sight indeed.

Lily showed her the letter, which Mary skimmed, her eyes going wide near the end.

"So this means Severus loves you," Mary said in hushed tones, as if the world might break if she were too loud.

Lily bit her lip, but nodded.

"So…" Mary gave her a bit of an odd look. "Does this mean congratulations are in order?"

"I...yes...I don't know. I mean, I'm glad he cares so much for me, really I am. It's just…reading it like that."

"Maybe it's because you've been friends for so long, it's hard to consider him like that?"

Lily frowned. "I don't...think so."

"Alright, try this. Close your eyes. This is something I got from a book I read." When Lily did so, Mary continued. "Imagine that you had never been friends with Severus before. That he was some guy you just happened to date."

Yeah, like that would be easy. She'd known him half her life. Still, she took a deep breath and tried to pretend that when she looked into those dark eyes, she hadn't been watching them for years.

"Now, imagine him pushing you down, those dark, soulful eyes boring into your own as he whispers how he has to have you. Right. Now."

"Okay…I'm with you so far."

"Your blood thunders through your veins. You breathe heavily, his masculine scent mixing with that of herbs and spices and leaving you light-headed." Mary's breathing quickened. "Lips too dry to speak, you nod, acceding to his will, and with overwhelming force, he pushes you back onto your bed, kissing you ravenously as both your clothes are torn off in your mad passion. Then...ruthlessly gripping your thighs, he…"

Lily opened her eyes. "Mary?"

That seemed to jar Mary back to reality. "What?"

"Never mind. That doesn't really help...although I now know more about your taste in literature than I ever wanted to know…"

"Sorry about that." Mary said, somewhat higher-pitched than usual.

All the same, Lily filed that image away, just in case.

"Now," Lily said. "I don't think it's what Severus feels that bothers me, nor what I feel for that matter. It's that...why didn't he tell me?"

"Uh…" Mary motioned for the letter. "I thought he did...wait-"

"Exactly, he told 'Medusa'. He doesn't tell me much of anything." Lily started to pace. "He didn't tell me he loved me, that he was angry, about the Dark Arts, nothing. He told his pen pal, hell, he told bloody Evelyn, but he didn't tell me. I'm supposed to be his girlfriend, and he didn't tell me. What does that tell you?"

"Maybe he's worried about how you'll react."

That brought Lily up short. "How I'll react? Is there something wrong about how I react?"

Mary chuckled at that. "Well, you do take things a bit too much to heart sometimes, if you ask me. I mean, I can understand being nervous about confessing how you'll feel." Her grin turned a bit wistful. "It's dangerous, and could ruin things so easily. Sometimes it's best to take your time. Just look at what happened with Remus and Sabrina."

"I suppose that's true...wait, what happened with Sabrina and Remus?"

Mary winced. "That's...actually why I came over this morning. Sabrina broke up with him a couple of nights ago. Love apparently did not conquer all."

Lily's eyes went wide. "What? Why?"

"It was her dad. She told him that she really liked Remus, maybe even enough to marry, and he said that there was no way his proud Percival daughter was going to marry some mongrel." Mary shook her head. "I don't get that myself. Wasn't Remus pure-blooded or whatnot?" At Lily's nod, she shrugged.. "Anyway, he told her that she would either break up with the boy or she'd lose her inheritance, as well as her allowance."

"And Sabrina being Sabrina, she did just what daddy said, so she wouldn't have to be short galleons when she went to Hogsmeade. Doesn't she know there are more important things than money?"

"Yeah, but at least Remus took it rather well."

Lily raised an eyebrow.

"Okay, okay." Mary sighed, staring off into the distance. "From what Sabrina says, in between crocodile tears at how hard it was for her to do this to him, he was utterly devastated. But at least he isn't going for any stupid revenge thing."

"It's a real shame though. After helping me and Sev, Remus really deserves some happiness of his own."

"There's not much we can do for him now. That's going to be on his mates for help." Mary turned to Lily. "So instead, let's make sure you and Severus don't end up like them."

"Well, I don't think things are anywhere near that point. I'm just...hurt I suppose." Lily stared down at her feet. "Why doesn't he trust me?"

Mary tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Maybe it's not about you. It could just be that he feels safe around Medusa. I mean, you treat him differently as Perseus, after all."

"And what do you mean by that?" She treated Severus just as well as Perseus, thank you very much.

"I don't know how to explain it...you listen more, I suppose? With Severus, half the time you're like...he's a sheep and you're his shepard, you know? Like you know what he should be doing better than he does. With Perseus, you treat him more as a rival, someone who knows just as much as you do."

Lily narrowed her eyes, but Mary's words had a definite ring of truth to them, so in the end she conceded defeat. "What do you think I should do?"

Mary drummed her fingers on her chin. "If you want to talk to Severus, then how about you start talking to Severus directly. You're learning loads from Perseus, but it's starting to sound like...well, a crutch. Shouldn't you be able to talk to Severus about these things without having to skulk about spying in his mail?"

Lily grimaced. "Well, when you put it that way...yeah. Alright then." She clapped her hands together. "Sorry Mary, but I'm going to have to have to ask you to leave."

Mary stared at her. "Uh…"

Lily grinned. "Not because I'm angry, but I've got to go now. My boyfriend and I need to have a good long talk, so thanks for the help, but I'm off."

Mary chuckled. "Alright, and pardon my French, but it's about damn time."

Lily shook her head. "No, it's long past time."

And with a crack, Lily apparated away.

Author's Note: Hello again, everybody. I'm sorry it took me so long to post-

Wait, I did it within a month this time. Score!

Two Chapters to go!

I must confess something else: In addition to What If? Severus, there is another story I am also considering working on. If it's highly liked by the readers, I may do this story first:

Endgame

"Dumbledore was wrong. The prophecy was absolute...and Harry lost. You-Know-Who won. He now rules, and he always will. The moment that damn prophecy came, our fate was sealed. Now, everyone we knew and loved is dead, our world crushed under his immortal heel. Our only chance was to come back and stop him. So you ask me what we will do to win?"

Underneath that bushy mop of hair, her oft-cheerful eyes stared unblinking.

In spite of the wand in her hand, Lily shrank back.

Hermione's lips quirked into an expression that might only vaguely resembled a smile.

"Anything." She whispered. "If it results in a future where You-Know-Who dies, Severus and I will do anything, commit any atrocity. Because you see, this is our endgame. And we will win, whatever and whoever the cost...

...Obliviate."