So... The war kinda ended for me

Holy shit! so much stuff has happened since I last wrote that I kinda got lost in it.

First, we entered Lebanon with ground forces. Until now there was this calm feeling that what I was doing didn't directly affect the soldiers, but that changed. I remember a couple of days in I got news of the first casualties, seven guys lost due to a mortar shell. That hit me hard. Of course, I was far from the only variable in the equation, but having even a little involvement in those deaths weighed heavily on me for a while, especially after my brother. And they were far from the last.

It hit differently than the casualties in Gaza. That wasn't my responsibility, Lebanon was. Or still is, I guess. I managed to find a way through it, but that's a very tough experience I remember. I felt the same way as when my twin died, only a weaker version. 

And after the forces entered Lebanon, things only escalated. More attacks, more eliminations, we took out basically every senior Hezbollah member in like a month. It was really tense, but honestly kinda fun. And that wasn't even mentioning their infrastructure. Tunnels, weapons, and so much more. 

And then, we began pushing for a ceasefire. Things escalated as it was about to be signed, every side wanting the last big move for negotiations, but eventually, it came through. The agreement is really good for us, but we'll have to see if Hezbollah will honor it.

And now with Bashar al-Assad's reign in Syria over, things are looking even better. So... For the northern front at least, things seem to be over.

Now's the time to implement the lessons we learned during the war, and we're doing just that. But the rush of the war is over. It's so weird... If I told someone that in the next Israeli war little Hamas would be the next main adversary, Hezbollah will get it's shit rocked in two months, and the Syria front will practically commit suicide, I'd have gotten slapped.

I'm working on some projects of my own now, but I don't know what to do after that. And I also counted on the fact that the war will continue way longer, but now I'm leaving the military in June and I gotta have plans.

I promised to do this at the one-year mark, but I forgot so I guess this is a good time as any. This is a small summary of my war experience. (focused on feelings and such since I can't really elaborate on the actual stuff I did):

It's really weird writing this, but the war changed me for the better in a major way. Hardships make you grow, and war is pretty high up there for hardships. I killed a lot of people. Terrorists, but people. I remember at the beginning I was so mad about the situation, but the longer I was in the war the more my opinion changed. My rage turned into pity. Most of those guys are religious fanatics, it's practically a cult. One they were born into. I hated the leaders, but that's it.

I also lost a lot of people, my twin coming to mind first. My former commander also got run over by a terrorist near a military clinic. As I said a lot of soldiers died in Lebanon, and I feel a certain responsibility towards every one of them. I also lost various friends through the war, though no one I was particularly close to. That really helped me see things in proper proportions. I mean, what's minor stuff like being late, making someone mad, or messing up an assignment compared to being dead?

I was a people pleaser before, but now I don't care about other people's opinions anymore. I also had a lot of self-esteem problems before, but they are a lot better now. Though I still can't believe I went through a war before getting a girlfriend, and that the thought of asking someone out is still fucking terrifying. I guess that means I still have some progress to make.

I was also evacuated from my home for a year. I returned during the war, but it was under the threat of rockets. Now I'm back and it feels so right! My mom was dramatic and played "Coming Home" as we got near with the car.

Anyway, for my final score, I give war a 1/10. Horrendous shit, but it'll make you grow and mature like nothing else. From a purely professional point of view, I enjoyed it. The challenges it brought were certainly unique and I learned a lot. Still, I'd prefer not to have thousands of dead people and millions of traumatized ones. I don't know how the country is doing economically, so I can't say anything about that.

I guess that's it for now. The northern front can always erupt again, but I doubt it. Now I gotta think about what I want to do for my big trip, or at least where to unwind all the repressed trauma I'll have. See you guys next time, probably with a new chapter since this is likely the end of my small war journal. Bye!