Volume 5 Extra – Asato Ayumi

Asato Ayumi's perspective.

The bitter taste of lemons washed over my tongue. I recalled this memory, not fondly but boldly. It was seared into my mind like a hot iron was pushed deep into my thoughts. Invisible to the naked eye but vivid and clear to one person, me. In my young hands was a bottle of lemonade. It was my favorite growing up, but today it tasted as if all the sweetness was pulled out of it.

"Say again?"

I asked, dumbfounded as my hand clenched the plastic bottle in the rain. Outside of my home, a man and a woman approached me both holding umbrellas. The man was older with deep dark brown hair and glasses. He wore a tight business suit and shiny black shoes that stuck out to me.

The woman beside him had on a flawless blue dress with diamonds wrapped around each and every finger. The earrings alone were a fortune, making her entire body a walking showpiece. Not to mention the fact that she was, for lack of a more creative word, beautiful, like a model.

The smiles on their faces were strange and the lady with the pretty dress and hands with diamonds acted over-familiar to me. She touched my shoulder and brushed her hands against my middle school vest.

"Oh, how you've grown Ayumi-chan! Are you in middle school now?"

With excitement lighting up her eyes, she brushed my short dark brown hair… that mirrored the color of the man's. Gently, she pulled my bangs away to get a better look at my blue eyes. They also resembled that man, likely her husband.

The man I was stealing glances at finally walked over and looked at me as if I was some show animal about to perform a trick.

"My you look so much like your mother. You even have my brother's bright blue eyes. Ohh, I'm so happy to see you, Ayumi-chan."

I pulled away from these strangers and was about to run away. I was scared that they knew my name. How they touched with their creepy excitement. But when I stepped back, I was caught by someone behind me.

"Ah!"

I screamed, only to be embraced by a familiar sensation. I swung my head to the side to see… My mom was there for me.

"Ah, Ayumi. Sorry that your father and I were late. Ah, these are guests we invited to come over today."

Mom said, a tad nervously. She pulled me into her arms as my father rushed past us.

"Sorry for our tardiness, you two. Please, come inside! My wife will get the tea ready."

My father said, giving our mom a directive with his eyes. 

My father and the two strangers walked inside our home like this was all normal. Something was strange with those people and the chills I got were crawling all over my body, like spiders looking for a home inside my skin.

"Mom, who are they?"

I demanded answers from her, but instead of explaining, Mom took my hand and pulled me inside with her. Despite my hesitation, I was forced to go along with her.

In our home, the two strangers sat in the living room alongside my father. They weren't business partners or friends of our "family" but…

They were my "family."

The "family" that I didn't know of...

Mom tugged me along into the living room and had me sit in my favorite seat. She caressed my hair and tried to make me feel at ease as my mother softly told me the news that spun my seemingly mundane life into a twisted spiral.

"Ayumi, you see honey, your biological father passed away. And these two are your aunt and biological uncle."

The man that shared my eye and hair color smiled at me gently. They seemed to be affluent and sophisticated in the way they held themselves. It was as if they didn't belong in our modest home. But a place where the walls were gold and butlers and maids prepared their meals.

The man was the first to speak up.

"I'm sorry Ayumi-chan. I wasn't aware that you didn't know of… your adoption when you were younger."

She chuckled.

"No… I wasn't aware."

I spewed venom in my words.

It wasn't directed at him. The poison could have hit anyone in the room, and I wouldn't have cared. I was seething with a silent rage, being forced into this uncomfortable conversation.

The woman stood up, approached me, and touched my hand. She was acting as if we had known each other for years, and it felt gross. Everything about all of this felt forced, theatrical to me.

"Dear Ayumi-chan, please don't be upset. My sister-in-law found the perfect parents for you. The Asato's are amazing parents, I'm sure."

Mom touched my shoulder from behind, reminding me that I was loved. Father did the same, as if uniting together, and reminded us that we are family.

"We never found the right time to tell you, Ayumi. We didn't want you to figure it out like this, though. I'm so sorry, honey."

Mom said.

I could feel her sincerity, but something deeper within me felt betrayed. My mind went deeper, asking the questions.

If this didn't happen, would they have ever told me?

Did it matter if I knew or not?

Throughout all the questions dancing around in my mind, one popped out of my mouth.

"Why did my real mom and dad... get rid of me?"

The room fell silent. No one wanted to speak up. But It wasn't because I asked the question. No, it was the way I asked the question. My bubbling feelings manifested themselves in the way I felt aloud.

The question of why I was given up for adoption molded into…

Why was I discarded?

Was something wrong with me?

Did I do something wrong?

Why was I thrown away and forgotten about my real mom and dad?

I never asked those questions. In that way, it was clear to me how I perceived it all.

Father cleared his throat and answered me humbly.

"It's because it was too soon for your biological mother, Yoshida Yuki-san, Ayumi. Your mother and father wanted you to have an amazing life. That was all there was to it."

My daddy leaned down and met my gaze. With my mom holding me from behind and my father with her arms on my thigh, I should have felt loved. But all I felt was betrayed. That if this hadn't happened, I wouldn't have known any of this.

"Ah… so my biological father passed away?"

I asked timidly to the couple across the room.

"Yes, and… we would like you to come to the funeral. We know… he would have loved to see his first daughter all grown up."

My mouth was dry so I took a sip of my lemonade. It was disgusting, nothing like how I remembered it always tasted. So, with a dry, raspy voice I shakily asked,

"Ah… first daughter?"

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The day of the funeral was cold for spring. In the box at the front of the audience was a picture of a stranger. I stood in the back, but not too far to have trouble seeing the picture of a young, smiling man.

"So, that's you, huh?"

Coldly, with no emotion coursing through me, I looked at the stranger in the photo. I would rather be anywhere else as a middle school girl than see a funeral for a man who had no merit in my life. But two children at the front were crying about their father. One was a girl near my age and the other was a boy, just a toddler. Their mother held them close… or it would be more appropriate to say, "our" mother.

She didn't share many traits with mine except that our facial features probably reminded me of myself. She had short dark hair and beautiful blue eyes... like mine. I felt sick, watching her from over here. When the service concluded, she finally acknowledged me and… approached me.

"My goodness, Ayumi-chan. I'm so happy to see you've grown."

The familiarity was disgusting. Her tone sounded distant like I was a problem her sister-in-law brought in without asking. It was clear, she never wanted me here but those two strangers went behind her back and invited me.

"Hello Yoshida-san…"

I hoped she didn't expect me to say "mother" and cry into her arms. I was already jaded, knowing she tossed me aside and never looked back.

"I'm sorry your other parents couldn't be here with us, Ayumi-chan."

Yoshida-san said a tad distastefully.

"Yes… your sister-in-law told them not to come."

I tried to sound forward but it was still hard for me to speak openly to adults. My mom and dad wanted to come along with me but my "aunt" and "uncle" told them it would be best if they don't. I wasn't sure why but the only conclusion I could come to was…

That Yoshida-san forced their hand and forbade them from supporting me. The thought of that added to my frustration with this woman who was my biological mother.

"You must have a lot of questions, Ayumi-chan. If you would like, we can have dinner sometime and I can explain to you everything. I… would love to catch up with my first daughter."

How forced her words were. It only made me feel like an experiment that went wrong. A creature she had to deal with because of the mistake she made.

"Mom! Mom!"

I looked over at the second daughter who took my place as the first. Her daughter was still in elementary school, but only a year younger than me. After tossing me away, a year later they had another daughter. It was as if I never existed.

"Oh, ah… children, I want you to meet someone!"

As if I was an afterthought, Yoshida-san called them over to us but before they could meet me I…

"Ahmm… excuse me I have to use the washroom really quick."

I adjusted my dress skirt and shirt and rushed into the nearby chapel.

"A-Ayumi!"

That woman called out to me but I'd already turned the corner. I couldn't bring myself to meet them. In my young mind, I figured they would be better than me in all kinds of ways. The ones she kept around because they were… perfect for her.

When I got inside the washroom, my heart was throbbing. I would have to go back outside and… continue to act like everything was normal. But this wasn't normal. I was thrust into this fake reality that made me doubt everyone.

I didn't want to talk with these people. I never wanted to know about any of this! And I'm too scared to find out… What my real mom was thinking when she got rid of me.

"Ayumi?!"

My "aunt" was looking for me, liking because I ran away so suddenly. Only she and my "uncle" were pushing for me to meet my "family." Instead of playing into their game any longer, I looked out the window in the back with the blinds covering them.

"Nnnngg…"

I grit my teeth and make my way to the back. Thankfully, I was pretty tall for my age and able to unlatch the top, pull the blinds to the side, and open the door. With a grunt, I lifted myself out of the window and crawled on my knees in the rain for a bit. When I was back on the sidewalk...

I ran…

and ran…

and ran, and ran, and ran, and ran…

Eventually, I got on the train and rode my way back home. I was muddy, angry, upset, confused, and tired. Tired of all the fake smiles, false laughs, and the looming sadness that I couldn't even be a part of.

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Standing outside of my simple house, I felt overjoyed to see my father and mother… but in the back of my head, a cloud loomed over me. I knew who my real mother and father were. It was the people within this home who loved me every day of my life. It was the kindhearted, loving Asato's who raised me from my first memory until when I was in middle school.

So, from the funeral day onward, I avoided those people who threw me away when I was a baby. I told my parents that I never wanted to see them again. I begged and eventually, they did as I asked, and told my other "family" to stop trying to contact me.

I was scared of the truth and hid behind my parents. But the gnawing in the back of my head constantly would creep in as time went on. I would still wake up, feeling confused and rejected, as if something was wrong with me. No matter how much my parents would remind me that I was loved.

Why….

Why do I still feel so unloved?

There was always this lingering piece of me, that middle school girl standing at her father's grave asking the question I was too afraid to get back then. And it's only gotten stronger and morphed in all kinds of ways as I grew up. That deep resentment in my chest drove me to… find others who would prove that I was worth loving.

"Why do I feel… like I'm unlovable?"

I open my eyes, sitting in the corner of my room. Everything I had was gone. The madness of what happened was fresh in my head but I was still tormented by the thoughts of that day. The one day in my memory that's the clearest to me despite how insignificant it should be at my age.

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"To think I would be over it by now."

I held my knees close to me as I sat in my lonely room, ostracized by the people I loved, who were supposed to love me too.

"But that reinforces everything. No matter what… I'll always feel so unloved. And I don't know how to fix that side myself."

Those tears from the past came back again, strangling my voice as I murmured to myself, over and over in the quiet house, my lonely room, this isolated world I made.

"I-I don't know how to fix myself."