Dad Was Super-Paranoid

If I had thought the house dark and foreboding on the outside, it was downright morose on the inside. All the shades were pulled and none of the lights were on, giving the place a 'midnight at noon' look. The front door opened onto a large living room with a kitchen to the left and a hallway leading to other rooms on the right. Mr. Taggis led us into the living room, muttering to himself about glowing up pesky children. He seemed happy.

"Your landmines will obliterate these rascals, yes?" he asked.

"Absolutely," confirmed Xander. "You will have to scrape what's left of them off of the rooftops.

Mr. Taggi gave an excited little golf clap.

"Now if you'll just lead us to your basement, we'll get to work on turning your home into the impenetrable fortress it deserves to be."

"Hallelujah! Praise be! Those flipping fools won't know what hit them!" He paused, eyeing me for the first time. "This your expert?" He pointed at me with his pinky. It was kind of rude, to be honest.