Chapter 6

Reverend Howard Thomas was the presiding elder over a district in Arkansas,

that included Stamps. Every three months he visited our church, stayed at

Momma's over the Saturday night and preached a loud passionate sermon on

Sunday. He collected the money that had been taken in over the preceding

months, heard reports from all the church groups and shook hands with the

adults and kissed all small children. Then he went away. (I used to think that he

went west to heaven, but Momma straightened me out. He just went to

Texarkana.)

Bailey and I hated him unreservedly. He was ugly, fat, and he laughed like a

hog with the colic. We were able to make each other burst with giggling when

we did imitations of the thick-skinned preacher. Bailey was especially good at it.

He could imitate Reverend Thomas right in front of Uncle Willie and never get

caught because he did it soundlessly. He puffed out his cheeks until they looked

like wet brown stones, and wobbled his head from side to side. Only he and I

knew it, but that was old Reverend Thomas to a tee.

His obesity, while disgusting, was not enough to incur the intense hate that we

felt for him. The fact that he never bothered to remember our names was

insulting, but neither was that slight, alone, enough to make us despise him. But

the crime that tipped the scale and made our hate not only just but imperative

was his actions at the dinner table. He ate the biggest, brownest and best parts of

the chicken at every Sunday meal.

The only good thing about his visits was the fact that he always arrived late on

Saturday nights, after we had had dinner. I often wondered if he tried to catch us

at the table. I believe so, for when he reached the front porch his little eyes

would glitter toward the empty dining room and his face would fall with

disappointment. Then immediately, a thin curtain would fall over his features

and he'd laugh a few barks, "Uh, huh, uh, huh, Sister Henderson, just like a

penny with a hole in it, I always turns up."

Right on cue every time, Momma would answer, "That's right, Elder Thomas,

thank the blessed Jesus, come right in."

He'd step in the front door and put down his Gladstone (that's what he called

it) and look around for Bailey and me. Then he opened his awful arms and

groaned, "Suffer little children to come unto me, for such is the Kingdom of

Heaven."

Bailey went to him each time with his hand stretched out, ready for a manly

handshake, but Reverend Thomas would push away the hand and encircle my

brother for a few seconds. "You still a boy, buddy. Remember that. They tell me

the Good Book say, 'When I was a child I spake as a child, I thought as a child,

but when I became a man, I put away childish things.'" Only then would he open

his arms and release Bailey.

I never had the nerve to go up to him. I was quite afraid that if I tried to say,

"Hello, Reverend Thomas," I would choke on the sin of mocking him. After all,

the Bible did say, "God is not mocked," and the man was God's representative.

He used to say to me, "Come on, little sister. Come and get this blessing." But I

was so afraid and I also hated him so much that my emotions mixed themselves

up and it was enough to start me crying. Momma told him time after time,

"Don't pay her no mind, Elder Thomas, you know how tenderhearted she is."

He ate the leftovers from our dinner and he and Uncle Willie discussed the

developments of the church programs. They talked about how the present

minister was attending to his flock, who got married, who died and how many

children had been born since his last visit.

Bailey and I stood like shadows in the rear of the Store near the coal-oil tank,

waiting for the juicy parts. But when they were ready to talk about the latest

scandal, Momma sent us to her bedroom with warnings to have our Sunday

School lesson perfectly memorized or we knew what we could expect.

We had a system that never failed. I would sit in the big rocking chair by the

stove and rock occasionally and stamp my feet. I changed voices, now soft and

girlish, then a little deeper like Bailey's. Meanwhile, he would creep back into

the Store. Many times he came flying back to sit on the bed and to hold the open

lesson book just before Momma suddenly filled the doorway.

"You children get your lesson good, now. You know all the other children

looks up to you all." Then, as she turned back into the Store Bailey followed

right on her footsteps to crouch in the shadows and listen for the forbidden

gossip.

Once, he heard how Mr. Coley Washington had a girl from Lewisville staying

in his house. I didn't think that was so bad, but Bailey explained that Mr.

Washington was probably "doing it" to her. He said that although "it" was bad

just about everybody in the world did it to somebody, but no one else was

supposed to know that. And once, we found out about a man who had been

killed by whitefolks and thrown into the pond. Bailey said the man's things had

been cut off and put in his pocket and he had been shot in the head, all because

the whitefolks said he did "it" to a white woman.

Because of the kinds of news we filched from those hushed conversations, I

was convinced that whenever Reverend Thomas came and Momma sent us to

the back room they were going to discuss whitefolks and "doing it." Two

subjects about which I was very dim.

On Sunday mornings Momma served a breakfast that was geared to hold us

quiet from 9:30 A.M. to 3 P.M. She fried thick pink slabs of home-cured ham and

poured the grease over sliced red tomatoes. Eggs over easy, fried potatoes and

onions, yellow hominy and crisp perch fried so hard we would pop them in our

mouths and chew bones, fins and all. Her cathead biscuits were at least three

inches in diameter and two inches thick. The trick to eating catheads was to get

the butter on them before they got cold—then they were delicious. When,

unluckily, they were allowed to get cold, they tended to a gooeyness, not unlike

a wad of tired gum.

We were able to reaffirm our findings on the catheads each Sunday that

Reverend Thomas spent with us. Naturally enough, he was asked to bless the

table. We would all stand; my uncle, leaning his walking stick against the wall,

would lean his weight on the table. Then Reverend Thomas would begin.

"Blessed Father, we thank you this morning …" and on and on and on. I'd stop

listening after a while until Bailey kicked me and then I cracked my lids to see

what had promised to be a meal that would make any Sunday proud. But as the

Reverend droned on and on and on to a God who I thought must be bored to hear

the same things over and over again, I saw that the ham grease had turned white

on the tomatoes. The eggs had withdrawn from the edge of the platter to bunch

in the center like children left out in the cold. And the catheads had sat down on

themselves with the conclusiveness of a fat woman sitting in an easy chair. And

still he talked on. When he finally stopped, our appetites were gone, but he

feasted on the cold food with a non-talking but still noisy relish.

In the Christian Methodist Episcopal Church the children's section was on the

right, cater-cornered from the pew that held those ominous women called the

Mothers of the Church. In the young people's section the benches were placed

close together, and when a child's legs no longer comfortably fitted in the

narrow space, it was an indication to the elders that that person could now move

into the intermediate area (center church). Bailey and I were allowed to sit with

the other children only when there were informal meetings, church socials or the

like. But on the Sundays when Reverend Thomas preached, it was ordained that

we occupy the first row, called the mourners' bench. I thought we were placed in

front because Momma was proud of us, but Bailey assured me that she just

wanted to keep her grandchildren under her thumb and eye.

Reverend Thomas took his text from Deuteronomy. And I was stretched

between loathing his voice and wanting to listen to the sermon. Deuteronomy

was my favorite book in the Bible. The laws were so absolute, so clearly set

down, that I knew if a person truly wanted to avoid hell and brimstone, and

being roasted forever in the devil's fire, all she had to do was memorize

Deuteronomy and follow its teaching, word for word. I also liked the way the

word rolled off the tongue.

Bailey and I sat alone on the front bench, the wooden slats pressing hard on

our behinds and the backs of our thighs. I would have wriggled just a bit, but

each time I looked over at Momma, she seemed to threaten, "Move and I'll tear

you up," so, obedient to the unvoiced command, I sat still. The church ladies

were warming up behind me with a few hallelujahs and Praise the Lords and

Amens, and the preacher hadn't really moved into the meat of the sermon.

It was going to be a hot service.

On my way into church, I saw Sister Monroe, her open-faced gold crown

glinting when she opened her mouth to return a neighborly greeting. She lived in

the country and couldn't get to church every Sunday, so she made up for her

absences by shouting so hard when she did make it that she shook the whole

church. As soon as she took her seat, all the ushers would move to her side of the

church because it took three women and sometimes a man or two to hold her.

Once when she hadn't been to church for a few months (she had taken off to

have a child), she got the spirit and started shouting, throwing her arms around

and jerking her body, so that the ushers went over to hold her down, but she tore

herself away from them and ran up to the pulpit. She stood in front of the altar,

shaking like a freshly caught trout. She screamed at Reverend Taylor. "Preach it.

I say, preach it." Naturally he kept on preaching as if she wasn't standing there

telling him what to do. Then she screamed an extremely fierce "I said, preach it"

and stepped up on the altar. The Reverend kept on throwing out phrases like

home-run balls and Sister Monroe made a quick break and grasped for him. For

just a second, everything and everyone in the church except Reverend Taylor

and Sister Monroe hung loose like stockings on a washline. Then she caught the

minister by the sleeve of his jacket and his coattail, then she rocked him from

side to side.

I have to say this for our minister, he never stopped giving us the lesson. The

usher board made its way to the pulpit, going up both aisles with a little more

haste than is customarily seen in church. Truth to tell, they fairly ran to the

minister's aid. Then two of the deacons, in their shiny Sunday suits, joined the

ladies in white on the pulpit, and each time they pried Sister Monroe loose from

the preacher he took another deep breath and kept on preaching, and Sister

Monroe grabbed him in another place, and more firmly. Reverend Taylor was

helping his rescuers as much as possible by jumping around when he got a

chance. His voice at one point got so low it sounded like a roll of thunder, then

Sister Monroe's "Preach it" cut through the roar, and we all wondered (I did, in

any case) if it would ever end. Would they go on forever, or get tired out at last

like a game of blindman's bluff that lasted too long, with nobody caring who

was "it"?

I'll never know what might have happened, because magically the

pandemonium spread. The spirit infused Deacon Jackson and Sister Willson, the

chairman of the usher board, at the same time. Deacon Jackson, a tall, thin, quiet

man, who was also a part-time Sunday school teacher, gave a scream like a

falling tree, leaned back on thin air and punched Reverend Taylor on the arm. It

must have hurt as much as it caught the Reverend unawares. There was a

moment's break in the rolling sounds and Reverend Taylor jerked around

surprised, and hauled off and punched Deacon Jackson. In the same second

Sister Willson caught his tie, looped it over her fist a few times, and pressed

down on him. There wasn't time to laugh or cry before all three of them were

down on the floor behind the altar. Their legs spiked out like kindling wood.

Sister Monroe, who had been the cause of all the excitement, walked off the

dais, cool and spent, and raised her flinty voice in the hymn, "I came to Jesus, as

I was, worried, wound, and sad, I found in Him a resting place and He has made

me glad."

The minister took advantage of already being on the floor and asked in a

choky little voice if the church would kneel with him to offer a prayer of

thanksgiving. He said we had been visited with a mighty spirit, and let the whole

church say Amen.

On the next Sunday, he took his text from the eighteenth chapter of the Gospel

according to St. Luke, and talked quietly but seriously about the Pharisees, who

prayed in the streets so that the public would be impressed with their religious

devotion. I doubt that anyone got the message—certainly not those to whom it

was directed. The deacon board, however, did appropriate funds for him to buy a

new suit. The other was a total loss.

Our presiding elder had heard the story of Reverend Taylor and Sister

Monroe, but I was sure he didn't know her by sight. So my interest in the

service's potential and my aversion to Reverend Thomas caused me to turn him

off. Turning off or tuning out people was my highly developed art. The custom

of letting obedient children be seen but not heard was so agreeable to me that I

went one step further: Obedient children should not see or hear if they chose not

to do so. I laid a handful of attention on my face and tuned up the sounds in the

church.

Sister Monroe's fuse was already lit, and she sizzled somewhere to the right

behind me. Elder Thomas jumped into the sermon, determined, I suppose, to

give the members what they came for. I saw the ushers from the left side of the

church near the big windows begin to move discreetly, like pallbearers, toward

Sister Monroe's bench. Bailey jogged my knee. When the incident with Sister

Monroe, which we always called simply "the incident," had taken place, we had

been too astounded to laugh. But for weeks after, all we needed to send us into

violent outbursts of laughter was a whispered "Preach it." Anyway, he pushed

my knee, covered his mouth and whispered, "I say, preach it."

I looked toward Momma, across that square of stained boards, over the

collection table, hoping that a look from her would root me safely to my sanity.

But for the first time in memory Momma was staring behind me at Sister

Monroe. I supposed that she was counting on bringing that emotional lady up

short with a severe look or two. But Sister Monroe's voice had already reached

the danger point. "Preach it!"

There were a few smothered giggles from the children's section, and Bailey

nudged me again. "I say, preach it"—in a whisper. Sister Monroe echoed him

loudly, "I say, preach it!"

Two deacons wedged themselves around Brother Jackson as a preventive

measure and two large determined-looking men walked down the aisle toward

Sister Monroe.

While the sounds in the church were increasing, Elder Thomas made the

regrettable mistake of increasing his volume too. Then suddenly, like a summer

rain, Sister Monroe broke through the cloud of people trying to hem her in, and

flooded up to the pulpit. She didn't stop this time but continued immediately to

the altar, bound for Elder Thomas, crying "I say, preach it."

Bailey said out loud, "Hot dog" and "Damn" and "She's going to beat his

butt."

But Reverend Thomas didn't intend to wait for that eventuality, so as Sister

Monroe approached the pulpit from the right he started descending from the left.

He was not intimidated by his change of venue. He continued preaching and

moving. He finally stopped right in front of the collection table, which put him

almost in our laps, and Sister Monroe rounded the altar on his heels, followed by

the deacons, ushers, some unofficial members and a few of the bigger children.

Just as the elder opened his mouth, pink tongue waving, and said, "Great God

of Mount Nebo," Sister Monroe hit him on the back of his head with her purse.

Twice. Before he could bring his lips together, his teeth fell, no, actually his

teeth jumped, out of his mouth.

The grinning uppers and lowers lay by my right shoe, looking empty and at

the same time appearing to contain all the emptiness in the world. I could have

stretched out a foot and kicked them under the bench or behind the collection

table.

Sister Monroe was struggling with his coat, and the men had all but picked her

up to remove her from the building. Bailey pinched me and said without moving

his lips, "I'd like to see him eat dinner now."

I looked at Reverend Thomas desperately. If he appeared just a little sad or

embarrassed, I could feel sorry for him and wouldn't be able to laugh. My

sympathy for him would keep me from laughing. I dreaded laughing in church.

If I lost control, two things were certain to happen. I would surely pee, and just

as surely get a whipping. And this time I would probably die because everything

was funny—Sister Monroe, and Momma trying to keep her quiet with those

threatening looks, and Bailey whispering "Preach it" and Elder Thomas with his

lips flapping loose like tired elastic.

But Reverend Thomas shrugged off Sister Monroe's weakening clutch, pulled

out an extra-large white handkerchief and spread it over his nasty little teeth.

Putting them in his pocket, he gummed, "Naked I came into the world, and

naked I shall go out."

Bailey's laugh had worked its way up through his body and was escaping

through his nose in short hoarse snorts. I didn't try any longer to hold back the

laugh, I just opened my mouth and released sound. I heard the first titter jump up

in the air over my head, over the pulpit and out the window. Momma said out

loud, "Sister!" but the bench was greasy and I slid off onto the floor. There was

more laughter in me trying to get out. I didn't know there was that much in the

whole world. It pressed at all my body openings, forcing everything in its path. I

cried and hollered, passed gas and urine. I didn't see Bailey descend to the floor,

but I rolled over once and he was kicking and screaming too. Each time we

looked at each other we howled louder than before, and though he tried to say

something, the laughter attacked him and he was only able to get out "I say,

preach." And then I rolled over onto Uncle Willie's rubber-tipped cane. My eyes

followed the cane up to his good brown hand on the curve and up the long, long

white sleeve to his face. The one side pulled down as it usually did when he

cried (it also pulled down when he laughed). He stuttered, "I'm gonna whip you

this time myself."

I have no memory of how we got out of church and into the parsonage next

door, but in that overstuffed parlor, Bailey and I received the whipping of our

lives. Uncle Willie ordered us between licks to stop crying. I tried to, but Bailey

refused to cooperate. Later he explained that when a person is beating you you

should scream as loud as possible; maybe the whipper will become embarrassed

or else some sympathetic soul might come to your rescue. Our savior came for

neither of these reasons, but because Bailey yelled so loud and disturbed what

was left of the service, the minister's wife came out and asked Uncle Willie to

quiet us down.

Laughter so easily turns to hysteria for imaginative children. I felt for weeks

after that I had been very, very sick, and until I completely recovered my

strength I stood on laughter's cliff and any funny thing could hurl me off to my

death far below.

Each time Bailey said "Preach it" to me, I hit him as hard as I could and cried.