Chapter 9

Laynie

I take my time in the shower feeling hesitant about my upcoming talk with my husband. Jared scared me earlier to the point where I went into my safe space. Whenever Jared got drunk and wanted to fight with me, that was where I went. The first time was an accident. He had shoved me in the kitchen when I refused to remake a dish that was completely fine. I fell into the little space between the refrigerator and the pantry doors. The space couldn't have been more than a foot wide but when Jared saw that I was trapped in there he left me alone. From that point on whenever he would get violent in a drunken state I would hide in there. It killed my back each time and I usually got scratches when trying to come out but it was better than the alternative. Way better.

Once the water gets too cold for my body, I leave the bathroom and go back into the bedroom. I put on my comfy pajamas of gray flannel sweats and a black tank. I stopped wearing night gowns when Jared told me that I was getting chunky. Walking into the living room I noticed there is only one light on. The lamp on the end table. Same one the man in charge turned on to talk to me. We haven't seen the police report to know their names but I will never forget their faces.

Jared is lying flat on his back on the sofa with his legs bent. His right arm is laid over his chest and his eyes closed. His breathing is steady and I can tell he has fallen asleep. I breathe a little sigh of relief. I don't think I'm quite ready to talk yet. I walk over to the lamp, which is near his head, to switch it off. When I get closer I notice his body changes instantly. His eyes are fidgeting and his body is getting tense and rigid. He is having a nightmare. Me and Jared never did live together until New York and as soon as we moved in, I noticed that he would have these recurring nightmares. They would sometimes get so bad that he would wake up screaming his mother's name. I never asked him what they were about, and he never mentioned them. I always thought he was too embarrassed to tell me about them, but now I think he doesn't remember them once he wakes up.

I look at the bedroom, back to him, and to the bedroom again. I want to just go back to the bedroom and go to sleep, leaving him to get through it on his own, but I can't. I can't sit there and sleep while he thrashes on the sofa. I lay my hand on his bicep and shake gently, not wanting to scare him. Last time I did that, he woke up very angry thinking I was trying to hurt him. He shoved me off the bed and my head hit the end table. Then he went to work.

"Jared wake up." I whisper quietly.

He stays in that stiff position and I notice his knuckles are turning white and his teeth are biting down hard on his lip. His nightmare is getting worse and I want to wake him before it gets violent. I shake him a little harder and call out his name a little louder. Suddenly, I'm landing on my back slamming onto the floor screaming out in pain. Jared is on top of me, but only the initial fall is hurting me. He blinks a couple of times, waking himself up, and looks down at me. His face is red probably from the pain of jumping up and tackling me to the ground.

"Shit Laynie are you okay?" he asks while slowly lifting himself up, then me.

"Yes, I'm fine" I lie. My heart is beating so fast it feels like I'm having a heart attack.

"Sorry Lane, I must have been having a nightmare. I didn't even realize I had fallen asleep." He says quickly, checking me over for any discomfort he may have caused.

"It's okay. We can talk tomorrow. It's late anyways." I say glancing at the clock. It's only 9:34 pm but my mind and body are already exhausted.

"Yeah tomorrow is good. I think that last pill is taking its toll anyways." He says with small smile.

He looks at the couch then towards the hallway and back at me. I match his glances wondering what he is thinking.

"I can sleep on the couch if you want. I just need a blanket." He says with a worried tone.

For the first time in a long time I laugh. I straight out have a giggle fest in the middle of my living room with my husband staring at me like I just told him I like licking earwax. That in turn, makes me laugh harder. When I look up at Jared he is gifting me a smile I haven't seen in over a year. I finally calm down a little and wipe my eyes, body still shaking with giggles.

"What was that about?" He asks.

"Sorry, I just tried to picture you on this sofa. Your 6'3 and this couch is small for me. You would never fit." I say, my face flush with embarrassment.

Jared throws his head back and laughs. Something I haven't heard him do in too long.

"Yeah I guess you're right. I just don't want you to be uncomfortable if we are in the same bed. Unless we have a bed in the guest bedroom?" He pauses for a second like he is contemplating what to say next.

"Listen Lane. I know you want to talk tomorrow but I just wanted to tell you again how sorry I am for everything, it feels strange apologizing for something I don't remember doing, but I can tell I was not a good husband to you. I can see it in your eyes. I can't believe I ever hurt you like that. I can't believe I ever put my hands on you. I-I am so sorry for everything Laynie" he says.

Jared bends down to sit on the couch putting his head in his hands. I can hear his cries. See his shoulders shaking. Feel his heart breaking. I just can't forgive him for what he has put me through. So, I do the only thing I can. I lay my hand gently on his shaking back and rub. I comfort him with the last remaining love I have for him. When his cries soften he looks up at me, eyes a little swollen and red from crying, and sighs and long sigh.

"I'll still take the couch if you want. I may be tall but I won't have you uncomfortable." He says in a determined state.

I look at him for what feels like hours then put my head down. He grabs my chin and has me meet his eyes. I don't know why he keeps doing that.

"The guest bedroom has no furniture in it and the other bedroom you converted to an office right after we moved in. Are you sure you're going to be alright on the sofa?" I say it so fast hoping he doesn't catch my red blush from my lie.

"Sofa is fine babe, really, but do you think I can have a shower first? I still smell like hospital disinfectant." He says with a little chuckle.

He waits for my nod, and when he stands I walk towards the hallway to show him where the guest bathroom is. We used to talk about what our house would one day look like, so when we moved here I was more than a little surprised he didn't make it how we always dreamed. By then he was such a different person that he may not have even remembered how we used to talk about the house of our dreams. He pauses at the first door and I quickly block it with my body.

"Not this one, it's the one further down the hall." I say desperately. No one can go into this one. No one can know.

He just shrugs and starts walking to the next door. I give him a head nod indicating that it is the bathroom. He heads in that direction as I turn around and head back to the living room. I hear a gasp and a curse and turn around to see Jared looking at me with tears in his eyes. He looks like he has just seen a ghost. I get ready to ask him what's wrong when he beats me to it.

"Laynie, what the fuck happened to your back!"

Shit, I forgot I was wearing a tank that shows the marks.