VIII

Greatest downfall.

Two words which made me cringe each time I reminisced the past. Something that I never wanted to recall. Na sana nakalimutan ko nalang at hindi na kailan pa maalala. Pero paano ng aba? When the fact, - a memory which you can't deny.

I was… I don't know how could I explain. Hanggang ngayon ay bumabalik parin sakin ang mga alaalang 'yon. Not once, it passed away. What do you expect? I could pullmyself back. Ang hirap, 'yong pakiramdam na para bang wala kang choice. You don't have someone, a hopeless reality.

I tried, kinaya ko naman – I did my best. At the end para bang wala paring nangyayari. The most important in my life. When I lost it, it became my greatest downfall. Hindi ko alam kung saan ko kukunin ang lakas ko para magpatuloy. Umaabot nga naman sa punto, na para bang lahat ng naipundar mo sa buhay ay unti-unting mawawala.

It was lke living without an ounce of purpose, walang pinagkaiba sa nabuhay ka nga peri daig mo pa ang taong walang hininga – sa madaling sabi patay na. Meron nga bang ganoon? Kahit nga ako sa sarili ko ay tinatanong ko din iyan. It was harsh enough. Ano nga baa ng gagawin mo sa buhay mo kung wala kang direksyon? Nothing, a useless reality that you are bound until your last breath. Masakit man per iton ang totoo and no one can change that.

The fact which let our emotions govern us, malaking pagkakamali iyon. kahit kailan ay hindi naging tama ang emosyon at ang naramdaman ng tao na makipagbuno sa buhay na meron siya. May pagkakataon na nalalaman natin ang mali ang naging desisyon lalo na kapag nasa isang sitwasyon tayo. Mas tamang sabihin kung kailan nanatin nalaman ang resulta. Regrets will be as useless as doing an unstable desisyon. We cannot change and travel back to the past.

Yes, a greatest downfall can bring something heartbreaking. At inaamin ko rin na isa 'yon sa mga bagay sa buhay ko na hindi mapigilang manliit sa sarili ko. A part of my dream shattered into pieces. Ang bagay na ilang buwan kong pinaghandaan pero mauuwi lang sa isang trahedya. Trahedyang nagpapabago sa buhay ko.

If it didn't happen, where I am now? The path I took will be different. Hindi ko masasabi kung ano ang magiging estado ng buhay ko. Kung sana… it was all in the past now. Wala ng mangyayari para baguhin kung ano man ang dapat.

It does leave something in me. nang dahil doon nawala siya. Now, it still brought pain in me, hindi man kasing sakit sa mga panahon na'yon. Hindi ibig sabihin, hindi ako nasaktan.

Destiny didn't guarantee – if it was really a destiny which caused those to happen. I don't know, with my cynical mind. Well, might be am just thinking that much with those. Circumstances taught me a lot of things.

"The tournament will be in two months. Aren't you excited?"

"Of course I am. I waited for years and this is it."

"I'm really happy. Alam kong kaya mo."

A news and preparation give me a courage to strive hard. Not because I want everyone to impressed with. Merely the reason that I love it. It took me sometimes before my parents let me. Kaya naman noong binigay na nila sa'kin ang pagkakataon na gawin ko ang bagay na gustong-gusto ko. Wala akong sinayang na oras. I did my very best.

The cycle of life occasionally gives a bunch of surprises. Surprises which at times give joy and times not. To the poin we aren't that ready. Not ready to face whatever struggles await.

I can't change, I may cry a thousand times because of that. Kung may isang bagay man na mananatili sa puso ko. Ito ay ang mga katagang to…

You may face the greatest downfall in your life. It doesn't mean there was no hope will light upon your way. Doesn't mean you don't have the right to feel joy. Yes, it gives you pain not to break you yet to make you someone better. Someone who wouldn't manifest pretension, nonetheless could display the purest character.

Habang buhay kong babaunin ang repleksyon na iyan. Na kahit saan man ako magpunta ay hinding magiging hadlang – mas tamang sabihin walang kahit na sinong makapagpigil sa akin para maging ako. A soul which always see the genuine beauty,