Chapter 23: Cammy's Pain

Cammy knew that he appeared like some kind of a weirdo when he talked to the two. Joy and he was already close enough for her to see that he was lying- and there's this something about Light's eyes that made him feel like a transparent door that leads directly to his soul. He took a defensive stance and tried to avert his gaze from the two who was clearly watching him by going back to his books- but it was to no avail because he could feel their eyes. He looked at them again and smiled awkwardly.

"Uhm… Your presence sort of distracts me." He said and rubbed his cheek with his index finger. Joy looked at Light who seemed to have no plans of removing his gaze from Cammy. She tapped his shoulder and tried to tell him that they should leave.

"Let's go Light." Joy whispered.

However, Light doesn't seem to be listening to anyone of them, but he still left. Joy thought that he was going to go with her, but he came back to his desk and took his book with him. It was "The Writer's Dilemma" a novel by a famous writer. He ran towards Cammy and pulled out the chair in front of him while he shrieked in shock.

'What are you doing?' Joy thought to herself and looked at Light scanning his book. She just left them and went to their lunch spot while their classmates were studying in all corners.

"You have that book?!" Cammy yelled when he saw it. "I have read that a thousand times!"

"It's my favorite book." Light said coldly and closed the book. "By the way, how are you?"

Cammy seemed to be shock by Light's question. His tone seemed to have known everything already, but he still wants to hear if from him. Something about Light annoyed him because he also knows something about him from watching him closely.

"I'm okay." Cammy said and returned to his huge pile readings. They were not academically related because they were all novels written by Kiera, the author of the book Light was holding.

"You sure conceal your feelings quite well." Light told Cammy and locked his eyes with him. Cammy felt a golden light surround him as Light's gaze never left him. It was blinding and it made him shiver because of the coldness that lingered in the light. The coldness was soothing his spirit and it made him want to cry and release everything, but he knew better- Light us doing it on purpose.

"Stop… Please, Light, Stop… I know what you are doing." He said angrily.

"I'm not doing anything Cammy. But it seems like you are yearning for some kind of comfort and it made you see that. And I know that you know." Light said and started to read his book again.

'Do I have a subconscious yearning for someone to talk to?' Cammy thought to himself and reflected to his actions. Had he, for all these times possessed a yearning for love? And is Light really what he think he is?

"What are you? Are you my guardian angel? Not that I believe it bu-"

"If you say I am, then I am." Light replied and looked at him again. Cammy saw his reflection in his eyes and he started to shiver as he saw himself with an expression of utmost sadness. His eyes really looked sad and he realized that it will still look that way even if he tried to smike to mask it away. Because of the deep, deep pain that had created in him a huge impact, even his body can no longer fight it that it had appeared in his eyes. Sadness was written all over his face that it lingered even if he tried to push it all away because it has already been a part of him and it doesn't have even the slightest bit of plan on leaving him alone.

If sadness will be erased from his life, would he be a happy human being?

Or will he still be considered a human being if he can no longer feel anything anymore except pain anf desolation?

But there's Light - his eyes gave him a sense of security and an unimaginable soothing company. It was the first time for many weeks that he had felt something good because it has been all monochromatic to him.

"When I was a kid, I thought life is a game with cheats that I am obliged to play. But as I grew older, I saw the reality of this world.

" No one is going to stay forever.

"It happened with my father who died in the great battle, my mother who abandoned me so she could finance my studies, but I know she already has a different family out there. My grandmother left me too.

" And now Ajan did the same."Cammy was crying because he hadth took all the blame in himself. Light wanted to say something bht he couldn't find the right words to possibly comfort him out of his pain. However, he was about to pat him on his back when the bell rang and his circle went dashing into the door. It seems like Nick and Nathan did something mischievous.

Cammy sat in his small room, writing an almost dripping wet letters addressed to the people he loves, and tears really took over him the moment he held on the black pen Ajan gave him for their 2nd anniversary. He realized that it was really hard to write when tears are blurring your vision.

"Is this suicide note? Maybe yes, maybe no." He muttered to himself and knocked the numerous bottles of pills he had to take every single hour.

"Stop hiding there you two." he said, out of the blue, trying to surprise them. Joy and Light has been annoying him lately with their "stalking act" and it was his way to get at them back. "I know you are there. Come here." he said and they did appeared into his room with only Joy surprised.

"How!?" asked Joy.

"I know what's going on here, with Mari and Fallon, you and Light, oh yeah, there's that girl I haven't forgotten his name- Oh, its Corriene." Cammy said, masking the pain he was feeling in his heart.

"You know about this Light?" Joy said.

Cammy and Joy both looked at him but his cold face remained, making Cammy chuckle.

"He knows it." hr told Joy.

"Why not tell me then?!" she shouted at Light who seemed so calm

"Calm down, calm down Hope." Cammy said.

"Stop trying to mask that pain of yours Cammy." Light said. "Is that how you want to end all of this?"

"Have I not ended my life yet?" i asked him. "You know nothing about me."

"You are right. Do you not have another reason to live?" Joy asked.

"No I don't. I'm going to die soon enough." i replied. "What are you going to do? Save me like you did with them? Why? All you can handle are cuts! Can you handle a broken heart?"

"We not only carry their cuts. We also carry their burden at hearts." Joy said

"My heart is my burden. I don't know how you can possibly mend it."

Joy leapt in front of him and tried to hold his chest but her hand just went through him without a problem.

"What are you doing?" Cammy asked her with a surprised and angry tone.

"You don't have a reason to live... And I can't save you..." Joy said, tears threatening to fall anytime.

He chuckled. "Yeah. You are right about that." The pain in his heart is so unbearable now that he can bo longer mask his expressiom of helplessness.

"You don't want to end your life." Light said.

"Yes. But I can't do anything about it. It's inevitable..." Cammyreplied.

"Okay then... But... " Joy said, puzzled.

"You can leave now..." Cammy said and turned his back from them, and continued to write.

"Yeah we should." Light replied.

"I won't leave you." Joy insisted.

"Please, Joy.... Leave." Cammy pleaded.

Cammy knows that he have hurt her feelings, but he thought that he had to shoo them away.

They left silently and there was Cammy- left alone in the dark.

'I really drive everyone away from me hahaha.' he thought to himself

____

He set off and changed to his most decent suit and went in circles, trying to reminisce the memories he was to leave this world. He passed by the convenience store Ajan and he always walked into to buy foods.

' It's so painful. I really don't want to die but I can't take this life anymore. I'm going to die anyways but I did not expect that it was me who will take my own life, by not taking my medicines.'

It's so painful. Ajan... I wish you are here to hold me.

Cammy knew that two people are tailing him but he did not bothered to shout at them because he enjoyed their company and he wouldn't die without anyone.

"Everywhere I go, all I really remember was her. I really don't know how to go on my life without her anymore..." He talked to himself and cried as we walked off balance.

"There is absolutely no place in this world that is not marked by you very existence, the smell of your hair is still here with me, and your touch, I can still feel them..."

"I miss how you used to tell me how much you love me, how you will never abandon me in this world and how we are going to last forever and fight if necessary.

"I guess forever really does not exist in this world"

It makes him wonder, what if I never met her, would he still think of ending his life right now? Maybe yes, maybe no.

His mind was going blank. His eyes were red now because of the palpitations he's had been enduring and feeling.

"My heart...." he said and touched his chest. "It's too painful and unbearable."

'Ajan....'

'Ajan...'

"I still feel you near me... Your memories will forever remain in my heart... When I die, I hope you won't cry... It's too painful for me to see... Be happy.... I love you." He said and touched his aching heart. He stood in a dancing stance and imagined Ajan holding his hand again. He imagined her smile as if it was with him again. He saw the Ajan he met for the first time and was that made him realize how much she had changed. He danced and danced under the cloudy sky and cried and cried until his tears dried on its own

That's all he can feel at this moment- a painful longing for someone who is no longer with him. His heart and mind is at chaos right now that can't think straight anymore. His heart was beating so fast..... So rapid.

He went to the playground where he first met her. Everything is still fresh to him- How she looked at him, and how they properly met.

"Please remember...

How we laughed..

And how we cried...

And how this world was yours and mine.

And how no dream was out of reach.

I stood by you, you stood by me.

We took each day and made it shine.

We wrote our names across the sky.

We ran so fast...

We ran so free...

I had you.. You had me..

Please remember..."

He looked above as he watched the stars fall from the sky. The sight is so beautiful he teared himself. He remembered how she held his hand back when they watched the fireworks display for the town's Christmas celebration before the war. He was so happy he had to take my meds right away hahaha...

"Ajan.. I wish you can see this with me."

'I wish I could still be with you like I used to...' he thought and cried hard.

'Like we used to...'

"Save me, Ajan... The pain in my heart is too unbearable now... Please... Save me..."

He took out their 3rd anniversary picture from the pocket of his jacket he wore back when she left. She really was lovely...

"And I'm terribly sad!" He cried while Joy was crying too.

" I'm sad because I will no longer be able to touch her again! I will never be able to make her feel loved! I wish I could see her achieve her dreams! I wish..." He paused for a bit and held his thrlbbing chest.

" I wish you stayed.... Ajan.

" I wish you never left me here, alone.

" I will never see you again.... Will never talk to you again... Will never hug you again.

"I can never tell you how much I love you.

"I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you."

He looked up above and let out the biggest sigh he have ever did his entire life. His heart is failing.... His vision is getting blurry...

"The pain is.....Unexplainable."

He is aware that he collapsed but someone caught him.

"Be careful" the voice spoke.

"I'm sorry..." he said while tears continued to blur his vision.

"We are here now...." said Joy.

Yes.. It was Joy and Light...

Not Ajan... He had wished it was her.

"How could you touch me?" he asked Joy. She said she can't touch his heart because he's got no reason to live, which is still the status quo.

"I removed my necklace...." she said.

Light was there on his side, holding him still and tight... For the first time in his life, Cammy saw him soften. He is so helpless because he can't do anything about Cammy at this point.

"Thank you, for always being there even if I shooed you away..." Cammy said, breathing heavily, as Joy hysterically called for an ambulance. "Please give these to the people I addressed..." Cammy said and handed Light the letters he wrote a while ago. "Will you hear me out?""

"Of course." Light said and tried not to cry. It was Light's first time to feel tears, but the pain is relative to him.

"I have depression, and heart disease as well hahaha. Of course I did not tell Ajan about this because I don't want to worry her. But now, I feel my heart pounding hard. I am having palpitations. My medicines were always beside me, but I don't want to take them anymore. I'm so tire-" Cammy was cut of of talking when blood started to gush out of his mouth

'It's so painful now....'

"No matter how much I desire it.... My life can't really have a happy ending." Cammy said as the last thing he saw was darkness, and Light shouting his name....