Soo Yon-It Will Kill Me Someday

I fidgeted in my seat. Taehyun was sitting across me, observing my movements.

'Do you want a drink, Soo-Yon?' he asked. 'You look more agitated than usual.'

'No,' I said, running a hand through my hair. 'I saw that dream again.'

Taehyun frowned. He picked up a clipboard and began taking notes. Adjusting his spectacles, he commented, 'Didn't you say the dreams stopped during your military service?'

'They did,' I said. 'For a while.'

I was sitting at a small but neat office space at Insadong. Calling it an office would be incorrect. It was a psychiatrist's chamber. One could not have guessed the place belonged to a shrink. There were no degree hanging on the walls nor any sort of indication to show that it was a psychiatrist's office. The shelves were lined with heavy books bounded by covers. It was a cozy setting with a small electric chimney. The interior was a mixture of modern artistry fused with Victorian era styled furniture. Taehyun preferred it that way. He said it made his patients feel comfortable.

Taehyun scratched his black hair. His dark eyes narrowed as he went through his previous notes. 'Soo-Yon,' he said in a worried tone. 'You know very well, this is your guilt. The guilt inside you is eating you alive. But you could not have done anything. Su-Ji was beyond any help. It was too late.'

'Was it?' I asked in a deadpan voice. Taehyun sighed.

'Soo-Yon, I cannot help you if you do not have the willpower to overcome this,' he insisted. 'You must muster the courage to face your past. These medicines won't help you if you do not take the initiative.'

I stayed quiet, trying to take it all in.

'The reason these dreams stopped during your military service,' Taehyun continued. 'Was because you were away from your idol life. You were away from T-Net and their control. Now that you're back under their thumb, your nightmares returned as well.'

I remained silent. He knew it was futile to convince me to leave the only life I have ever known. Taehyun sighed.

'I will increase your dosage for now,' he said. 'But as your doctor and friend, I would still advise you to leave that wretched place. It will kill you someday.'

'I can't,' I persisted.

'Why not?' Taehyun asked angrily.

'Because,' I took a deep breath. 'Because TNT is all that is left of Su-Ji. It was left to us by Su-Ji. I can't let it go. Not now. Not ever.'

The finality in my tone made Taehyun drop the subject. For now.

I left the office with a heavy heart. Years of therapy had no effect on me. Taehyun was right. I had no will to be rid of my demons.

My phone buzzed in my pocket. I took it out and froze. I was being summoned to the seventh floor of T-Net.