Chapter 12

Pagpasok niya sa loob ng kotse ay nanatili ang mata ko sa kanya. There was a hint of frisky light in his eyes, dagdagan pa ang kanyang ngiti sa labi.

"Why?" Tanong ko sa kanya.

Ngayon ko lang nagustuhan ang mapaglarong ngiti sa kanyang labi. Seeing him like that made me feel comfortable. He deserved to be happy. Sa kabila ng lahat ng pinagdaanan niya, kahit 'di ko naman alam, masaya akong nakikita siyang nakakangiti.

"Nothing," mahina siyang tumawa kasabay ng pagsara ng kanyang pinto. "Aren't you wondering why you're inside my car?"

"Huh?" Kumunot ang noo ko. "Kasi gusto mong samahan kita sa pagbili ng ice cream?"

He chuckled like I was really stupid. Gusto kong mainis pero 'di ko magawa.

"That's right," tumawa siya. "You don't usually hang out with me."

"Ahh, so this is hanging out with you?" I smirked.

"What do you think so, Luca?" Siningkitan niya ako ng kilay.

"'Di ba puwedeng mabait lang ako ngayon?"

Assuming! Buti nga mabait ako sa kanya ngayon.

"So, thank you?"

"You're welcome." Bumungisngis ako at maging siya. Sumandal ako sa upuan samantalang siya ay umiling na natatawa. "Let's go na, Ximi! Baka magbago pa ang isip ko."

"Alright," he chuckled. Maya maya pa ay pinaandar na niya ang kanyang sasakyan.

For the first time of my life, naging magaan ang loob ko kay Ximi. Or maybe I was just trying to make myself feel better. Naging marahas ako sa kanya these past few weeks. Naisip ko lang na baka nakadagdag pa ako sa mga problema niya.

Habang nasa biyahe ay panay lang sa bungisngis si Ximi. It was indeed a relief for me. Binalewala ko nalang ang katotohanang he's making fun out of me. Sa ngayon, I just want him to be happy in any ways that I can.

"So, saan ang apartment mo ngayon?" He asked, eyes on the road.

"Sa Makati."

"I have mine in QC."

"Really?" I glanced at him and met his eyes. "How long have you been living in your apartment?"

Hindi naman siguro ako lumagpas sa linya? 'Di naman masama kung magtanong?

"Since college... probably eight years and counting."

"Oh," napatitig ako sa kanya na ngayo'y pokus na sa daan. "Matagal tagal na rin."

"What about you?"

"A decade?" Half question, I wasn't sure if dekada na ba o lagpas na.

"Matagal na rin," tumango tango siya. "I suddenly wonder how you manage your life."

"Easy," pagmamayabang ko. Lumingon siya sa akin saglit saka sa daan ulit. "I have to work hard on my own. Dapat walang destruction to keep myself going."

"'Di ka ba sinusuportahan ng pamilya mo?"

Napatunganga ako sa kanya. Nilingon naman niya ako. When our eyes met, I looked away.

"I mean,"

"Siguro alam mo namang I don't have parents na?" Pagkaklaro ko. Bumagal ang takbo ng kotse para siguro pagtuunan niya ako ng atensyon.

"Sorry," mahina niyang sabi.

"It's okay." I smiled reassuringly. "Andiyan naman sina lola at lolo but I prefer to live on my own. In fact, sinusustentuhan nila ako while I was in college but I kept their money. I was working to earn money."

"Like what job?" He glanced at me.

I shrugged. "In fast food chains... anything that can make money. I have talents naman so I was also open for those who want to hire me as their designer."

"Lucky you survived, huh?" Panunuya niya. Mahina naman akong tumawa.

"Luckily," I nodded. "It was tough but I had to be tougher. Sino ba ang tutulong sa akin kung 'di ang sarili ko?"

"Ni minsan ba 'di ka nakaramdam ng pangungulila?"

He stopped the car. Bumaling ako sa labas at napagtantong nasa tapat kami ng ice cream parlor. Baka dito kami bibili.

"Sa una." Sagot ko at hinarap siya. "Lagi namang mahirap sa una. It's your choice to fall back or to move forward."

Nanatili ang mata niya sa akin. He was like reading what's inside my mind. Ngumiti nalang ako at bumaling sa labas.

"Don't you know I don't like those kind of stares?" I asked, more like a statement.

"What stare, Luca?" He asked back, sounded innocent.

Nilingon ko siya at siningkitan ng mata pero agad ding bumalik sa normal ang hugis nito.

"I don't like those people who look at me like I had an unfortunate life. If only they know, I had the best one. It's just a matter of choice." I faked a smile. "They think they know the pain but they were wrong."

"I hope you didn't get me wrong, Luca." He said, sounded casual. "I just don't know how to react upon hearing your story. I was just thinking if anyone could be as strong as you."

Hindi ako umimik sa sinabi niya. I was also thinking the same thing. Paano kaya kung ibang tao ang nasa kalagayan ko? Will they survive or just wish to die?

"You know people are not the same. We deal with problems in different ways. May iba na hindi kayang i-handle ang problema, may iba naman na malakas ang loob."

"I just wish they won't think suicide is the only answer." Tumahimik ako. "Anyways, let's go?"

Baka kung saan pa mapupunta ang usapan. Masyado itong pribado para sa akin. At baka rin may masabi o matanong akong ikakasama ng loob niya.

We both decided to get out and buy some ice cream. Pinili niya ang cookies and cream flavor while I had the rocky road.

"Is this really your favorite flavor?" Tanong ko.

Nasa loob kami ng parlor, nagpapalamig. Malapit kami salamin at mula sa labas, tanaw kami.

"Nakahiligan." Pagtatama niya. "Pat loves this kind of flavor. She asked me to try this. Wala namang masama." He shrugged.

I stared at him. I wondered how does it feel to love and to be loved romantically.

Kapag ba nagmamahal ka, maraming magbabago sa iyo? Na kailangan mong mag-adjust for the sake of compatibility? You have to love whatever they love just to fit in?

"Bakit?" Tanong niya na ikinabigla ko. Umiling kaagad ako samantalang siya ay nanatiling nakatingin sa akin.

"But which flavor do you prefer?" Tanong ko nalang.

"Salted caramel. She said she doesn't like it."

"Oh? Bakit daw?"

Lahat naman na flavor masarap, depende sa taste mo. If she finds salted caramel "yuck", maybe may mali sa panlasa niya.

"Maybe because of salt?" Bumungisngis siya na parang nakakatawa iyong sinabi niya.

"May asin 'yon kasi salted, 'di ba?"

Nalito ako bigla. Hinaluan ng salt ang caramel, kaya siya salted caramel. Tama ba?

"Yeah," he laughed.

"Nakakatawa 'yon?" Umirap ako, siya naman ay bumungisngis lalo.

"Why do I always find you so cute when you're curious about something?" Kantyaw niya. "But anyway, she didn't give me reasons why she doesn't like salted caramel. Para sa'kin, pinakamasarap iyon."

"So, kaya cookies and cream ang gusto mo na ngayon dahil gusto niya?" Pagkaklaro ko.

"Sort of," he shrugged. "I want to like what she likes, Luca."

"What if 'di mo kaya?"

"I have to," mariin niyang sabi. "Just to support her."

'Di kaya swerte si Pat kung ganitong klaseng lalaki ang magmamahal sa kanya? 'Di rin kaya mahirap sa parte ni Ximi iyon?

"Is that how you love?" I asked, wondered.

I have never been in love with someone romantically. I haven't felt that. And to know some about it from Ximi, parang ayaw ko talagang subukan. Loving someone means biting the dust for me. I don't want to change the way I am just to fit in.

"Maybe," simple niyang sabi. "Alam mo, Luca... if you love, you love whole heartily. No exception. You gave everything you have, you can, until you are left with nothing."

"Why so tragic?" I joked. Pero isang nanghihinang ngiti ang ibinigay niya. "So it means you do love Pat?"

Love at first sight kung ganoon? I bet uso naman 'yon sa panahon ngayon.

"I love her," tumango siya. "I love her personality. She's kind and caring."

"She's also responsible, Ximi." Agap ko. "I bet you would be so lucky to have her."

"Hmm," tumango siya, taking a spoonful of his ice cream.

"Pero ano nga ba ang basehan kapag mahal mo ang isang tao?" Pumalumbaba ako. Ang isang kamay ay nakahawak sa plastik na kutsara na nakabaon sa lagayan ng ice cream.

"It's so simple to tell that you love someone, Luca." Panimula niya. "If you'll ask the others, marami pang senyales ang ibibigay nila but for me, the most sincere form of love is you care to them and don't want them to be hurt."

"Is that in general?" Kuryoso kong tanong. "Like, it's how you do when you love someone romantically?"

"Well, that's another story, Luca. Kagaya nga ng sabi ko kanina, when you love, you give your all. To know that you love them romantically, bumibilis ang tibok ng puso mo kapag nakikita mo siya."

"Multo?" Agap ko, magkasalubong ang kilay. Kumunot din ang noo niya at sa huli ay umiling, mukhang dismayado sa sinabi ko.

"No, Luca." He smiled brightly, namamangha. "Your heart races kapag malapit siya sa'yo. And there's always a feeling that you want to protect them, you want to keep them. There will be times that you are selfish. Ipagkakait mo sila sa iba."

"Pero bakit naman ganoon? Does it always happen?"

Ipagkakait sa iba in what way? I don't get it. You own their hearts but not their life, right? Why so selfish?

"Because you don't want them to be happy with someone else when you can do it better. Alam mo, Luca... marami ka pang dapat na malaman pagdating sa ganyang bagay. But if you really want to know what love is, expect pain and heartbreaks because love isn't just something you feel. It's a dangerous game in a survival mode. Invest your heart and you will lose everything."

Natameme ako sa sinabi niya. Wala akong ibang naintindihan kung 'di ang pinakahuli niyang sinabi. Ang nakapagtataka lang ay hindi ba puso ang kailangan sa pag-ibig? Why does it have to be a dangerous game if you just want to love and to be loved?

Inubos ko nalang ang ice cream ko samantalang siya ay may tinitipa sa cellphone. Siguro he texted Patricia about his whereabouts. Ang sabi kasi sa akin ni Herana ay no matter what happens, dapat alam ng kasintahan mo kung nasaan ka para 'di siya mag-alala.

It was almost 11:00 in the evening when we decided to go home. Bumili siya ng salted caramel flavor na ice cream. I insisted na bilhin na niya since it was his favorite. Ano naman kung ayaw ni Pat sa ganoong lasa? 'Di naman siya ang kakain. Isa pa, paborito iyon ni Ximi.

"Don't you have any cravings?" Tanong niya bigla nang nakalabas kami sa ice cream parlor.

"I have but I don't crave all the time."

Hindi ko sinanay ang sarili ko na kung ano ano ang kinakain. Bukod sa maingat ako sa pagkain, I preferred to save money rather than to squander it for nothing. I maybe satisfied pero ano ang kasunod? Hahanap-hanapin ko iyon. Mahirap masanay sa isang bagay.

"You're weird," he commented.

"What?" I rolled my eyes at him.

"Girls usually crave for anything they think is tasty."

"Just think I'm an exception." I smiled bluntly. "Hindi ako sanay sa mga ganyan. Isa pa, sapat na sa akin na may kinakain ko. 'Yong iba nga wala eh."

"You have a point," he pouted while nodding. "Good thing I found someone like you. Hindi ako mahihirapan sa pagpapakain."

"Excuse me?" Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. Bumungisngis naman siya. "At kailan mo pa naging responsibilidad na pakainin ako?"

He laughed at my line. Baliw talaga.

"Maybe when we'll get along well. Ang hirap pang pumasok sa buhay mo."

Naglihis ako ng tingin sa kanya. I darted my eyes outside the car, overviewing the lonely road of expressway. May madilim na parte ng daan, meron din namang may ilaw. Pero mabuti nalang dahil walang sira ang sasakyan ni Ximi, may ilaw sa harap.

"I have a question..." panimula ko. Sa gilid ng mata ko'y sumulyap siya sa akin.

Biglang tumahimik ang buong paligid. Nakakabingi iyon. I took a deep breath and faced him.

"Is it true na kilala mo na ako kahit noon pa? Noong mga bata pa tayo?" Dugtong ko. Kita ko ang paggalaw ng kanyang lalamunan, siguro lumunok. And his eyes remained on mine then to the road again. "Bakit 'di kita matandaan? Maalala? A-Ano bang nangyari noon?"

I remembered one day I woke up in a green room. May nakakabit sa kamay ko at may bandage ako sa ulo. May mag-asawang matanda na tinatawag akong "Luca". They told me sila ang lola at lolo ko.

'Di naman siguro amnesia iyon?

"You can't remember me maybe because mga bata pa naman tayo nang nagkakilala tayo, Luca. We were three years old? I'm not sure. And when we reached five, nagkahiwalay na tayo. We lost our connection. We grew up in different world and we barely remember each other."

Tama. Sa puntong iyon, maaaring tama siya. Mga bata pa naman kami at baka nga nakalimutan na namin ang isa't isa habang tumatanda. Pero ang pinakamahalaga naman ay nagkita ulit kami. 'Di man maganda ang una, ang mahalaga'y magkaibigan na kami ngayon.

"Are we friends for real?" I asked, para bang walang alam sa pangyayari.

Bumungisngis siya. "Of course, Luca. Friends."

I smiled and he smiled back. That smile was up to something. I wished I could always see him that way.

Friends. I smiled to myself. Hindi na rin masama kung magkaibigan kami. Baka babalik ang alaala ko kapag mas lalo ko pa siyang makilala. Who knows he's the key?