Why are you here?

Jamie

When the doorbell rang, it was maybe an hour after Steve left and I was the only one not sitting at the table, eating. "Can you get that, Jamie-kins?" Missy asked, as if this was her house.

Remind me to ask Steve what's going on with Missy when I no longer feel like punching his face in.

Still holding the salt and pepper shakers that I finally excavated from a 15-minute scavenger hunt in the kitchen, I went to answer the door. It was my annoyance at Steve for keeping his salt and pepper in the vegetable drawer in the fridge (I swear, who does that?) that let my guard down, and I didn't even check the peephole to see who was calling when none of us were expecting anyone and Steve could obviously get into his own house. So I only have myself to blame when I opened the door to Antonia and slammed it on her face as my heart plummeted to my gut.

The noisy chatter from the dining room died. The doorbell rang again.

I opened the door. "I'm sorry," I said, gravely, and let her in.

"You better be," Antonia glared at me and walked into the house. "Where's Steve?"

"He'll be back," I replied and we walked to the dining table where everyone greeted Antonia. They all looked surprised to see her, too. The boys looked at me with these looks on their faces, as if to ask me if I were okay. No, I'm not okay.

"Why are you here?" Antonia zoomed in on Missy.

"I'm having dinner," Missy looked unperturbed. "Would you like to join us?" She elbowed LJ beside her. LJ jumped and dazedly looked at Missy. "Get Antonia a plate." LJ quickly got up and hurried to the kitchen.

I put the shakers down on the table and picked up my glass of gin. Before I could take a drink, Antonia grabbed it from me. "Thank you," she said, and downed it herself. She held out the empty glass. "Could you get me another one, please?"

I took the glass without looking at her and trudged to the bar.

"Is Steve expecting you?" I heard Burt ask her.

"Yes, he asked me over," I heard Antonia reply. I slammed the bottle of gin on the counter. I could feel them all sharply turning their heads towards me, but I ignored them and measured out tonic and syrup.

"Please join us for dinner, then," Burt said, politely. "We ordered too much food." Traitor, I thought pettily, as I dropped ice cubes into the two glasses in front of me.

"This is not too much food," I heard LJ retort and then, yell out in pain; either Burt or Mark probably kicked him or something. I returned the refilled ice tray into the freezer and walked towards them with the new glasses of gin and tonic.

"It's only 4 in the afternoon," Antonia was telling them, although she took my seat at the table. "Isn't it too early for dinner?"

"It's also a bit too early for a gin and tonic," I handed her a glass and sat down in the seat that was supposed to be Steve's. I realized then that Antonia had been watching me. I met her eyes and immediately looked away.

"These prawns are amazing," Mark said to Antonia, placing a few more on the plate in front of her. "Just have a try. You can't drink on an empty stomach, so just try some."

"I remembered that Jamie and I have something important to discuss," she said. I could feel her eyes boring holes into my face. "Is the recording studio open?"

"Steve locks it when nobody's in it," Missy said, sounding more and more like she lived here.

"Bedroom, then." Antonia got up, walked towards me, grabbed my collar and dragged me to Steve's bedroom. I could hear Mark swear under his breath as we whizzed past him.

She threw me in and shut the door behind us. "You're a very strong woman," I complimented her. I had no idea what else to say.

"Why are you so angry at me?" She demanded.

"Who said I'm angry at you?" I deadpanned. I took a step back from her, though. She was terrifying.

"Please, Jamie, the hostility is so thick, you can cut it with a knife," she stepped forward.

"I have no right to be angry at you for whatever reason," I said. "I'm just a jackass."

I never realized it before, but this room is tiny. I took another step back and almost hit the closet.

"I had sex with Steve," Antonia suddenly said. "Do you not have any feelings about that?"

My heart exploded in my chest to actually hear her say that, angrily, to my face. But there was no way in hell that she was going to know that.

"It's not like my feelings have anything to do with who you decide to sleep with," I replied, calmly.

She stared at me for a while, though her face had softened. She finally sat on the bed and said, "I didn't know you liked me."

I stared at her. Why does that matter? Because who am I? I'm not anybody.

No matter how in love with her I've been, or maybe because I've been so in love with her for too long, I was not willing to believe that my liking her mattered to her.

I cleared my throat. "Everyone likes you, Antonia," I said. "You topped Beyoncé in the favourite female artist survey in Rolling Stone."

"If I knew you liked me, I wouldn't have slept with Steve," she clarified.

I inhaled sharply. Was she asking for forgiveness? Was I someone who was worthy of forgiving her?

Her eyes sparkled, and I thought, so it's not just a trick of the stage lights, her eyes really do sparkle even without any make up on or anything. Then, I realized, those were from her tears.

Fuck, why is she crying.

"I wouldn't have seduced Steve, if I knew you liked me," she continued. "Goodness, it was such a long time ago. He rejected me at first, but I don't like rejection."

I grunted. I hated that she was telling me this, and I hated that I was thinking, yes, that does sound like you.

She flicked her tears away with her fingers. "I'm sorry I made him betray your friendship," she said.

This feels like a really cheesy scene from a movie Mark would star in. "He was going to betray me eventually anyway," I shrugged, "I think he feels he's honored that he did it for a good reason."

Antonia suddenly laughed. "Are you always this funny?"

"Yes," I smiled.

"Why do you never talk to me, then? I bet you're so fun to hang out with."

I studied her face to see if she was teasing me or just possibly a little stupid. She looked right back at me and turned serious again. I quickly dropped my gaze and stared at my shoes.

"We never became a thing," she said. "He never allowed it to happen again, but he also didn't allow it to get in the way of our working relationship or our friendship. I was so grateful that he wasn't a jerk about it. Turns out he was doing it for you."

"I don't know if you know this, but I'm not gay," I had to clarify, at that point. She laughed again.

"I know that!" When she stopped laughing, she said again, "I'm sorry."

I shrugged. "You love who you love." And I've made peace a long time ago with the fact that you can never love me.

Antonia suddenly smiled. "Do you love Veronica, Jamie?"

Outside the room, we heard the commotion of Steve coming back into the house and demanding to know who was locked up in his bedroom. "What!?" We could hear him bellow. "Antonia and Jamie?! Are they having sex?!"