This is not a story I would normally read. But to me, a story is a story and you did pretty well for the first chapter. It has potential for it's genre but I have to say. You have a lot of run on sentences, and your grammar can use a little work. Besides that, your story got to the point and gave out great visuals. Keep going, I can see this being a great story for those who enjoy this genre. I'll probably come back and keep reading for myself to be honest.
Madym
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