"Are you having a good time?"
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It's a good chapter, the truth is that I didn't get bored reading it, correcting the detail of the dialogues will make it much better.
...the details of this paragraph pleased me
I have noticed that in the dialogues you mix quotation marks and long dashes. As a recommendation, it is better to choose between one of the two, that detail will make reading less confusing.
wow, it's narrated in first person...you already have my attention
The chapter is good, you added action from the beginning that is a hook, correcting the detail of the dialogues will make the reading more enjoyable
As a recommendation, for dialogues use the long dash or quotes in the chapters, but do not mix them
wow, Ryan has strength [img=nervous]
thank you. It's nice to read honest comments, they help me improve at writing.
I'm glad you enjoyed it and that it was useful to you. Thank you! ✨