Narris027

Intresting concept but I don’t like the way it’s written at all. You keep saying rather then showing. And it gets annoying.

“Here let me remind you” “Here let me help you remember it”

It’s so cringe actually painful to read, author says to read to chapter 26 but I can’t.

Ordinary people write smart characters all the time. You think the people who wrote arcane are genius’ on the level of ekko,viktor and jayce. NO! As a writer you have a lot of time to write scenes which you can leverage to make your character smarter because something that takes you ages to figure out can take your character a split second.

How did you post this with such little word count? And even if your allowed to do this there is zero reason for someone to click on this and read it because there is only 2 chapters.

Well written compared to 90% of slop on this platform. The pacing is a bit slow for my liking.

I would do it but not for £17 that’s crazy. Maybe £5-£7

Why don’t you just wait till you wrote 15k words, the word count is there for a reason. And the reasons isn’t so you can put a spam chapter to fill up the word count

Also you don’t have a good ideas of the characters. In chapter 19 Danny ”I can finally see you again mom” (paraphrasing) I don’t think his would be a thought Danny has. As Danny has no connection to her mother. she doesn’t know her, she doesn’t know what she looks like. this would not be her final though dying.

People clicked on this to see madara in the Naruto world. You should deliver on that asap. I skipped all of that, and It doesn’t effect the rest of the story. Also on your writing I really don’t think you should do first person, at least now how your doing it. You are relying to much on telling and not showing. For example with viserys he says he is afraid of the unknown. Don’t do that you are telling as something you are supposed to show. Just for I trest have you read A song of Ice and fire?