ShoeInk

An interesting way to interpret Melissa. She is rather brazen, considering what she attempted to do. Why it is, well, it's the old trope of following the pretty girl, you know? And of course, what she did interested Travis, so yeah. It will all come together, probably in chapter 22 or so.

When I say overall, I mean the previous two chapters.

So, read up to chapter six. My thoughts thus far: Writing quality: 4/5. Other than a few misspellings here and there, there's not much to complain about. Good use of grammar, attention to basic editing points, etc. etc. Story development: 2/5. Could definitely be better. Mostly "telling" vs "showing", which is a no-no. Describe your character's experiences through action and dialogue, not a wall of expositionary text. Character design: 3/5. Beyond the basic characterization in the first chapter, there isn't much to our MC. Quite stale, honestly. Not through any fault of her own, it's the lack of continuous interaction with anyone and missing plot points that could've been had. World background: 2/5: Mafia organization, school, and... removing tattoos? That's about all that I remember of it. When that's what your readers are thinking, there's something wrong that needs fixing. Overall, 3.2 is pretty reasonable. With a little work, it could go a long way, I think. Just not right now, though.

So far, four chapters of all telling and no showing. You need scenes that walk your readers through your character's experiences, not walls of text explaining how someone thinks or what they did. Show what they did through action and a heavy sprinkling of dialogue. What did she say to her mother, to promise to be at the top? That would be something interesting to know. How did they interact? Was it moving, or was it the rigid expectations of a strict mother?

A somewhat confusing shift in pov. Maybe you're going to fix this in the future? Or if you're going to keep it in, you need to tie it to the overall 3rd person narration, maybe through a self-introduction? I don't know, it's just awkward.

This is missing an engaging, eye-catching opening first statement. Try asking a question, or posing a short statement that engages the reader in thought, before you jump into your exposition. It makes the tedium that much easier to read.

Well, that's really up to you, now isn't it? With the progression as it is now, it's almost impossible to do it any other way, unless somehow those on the outside are able to talk to those on the inside (that, or Lorn is removed from the system and brought back for, I don't know, a "check-up" to see if he's suffering symptoms as the 80% do). But if there was a way to cut down on some of the info-dumping, I would certainly try to work it in. Sometimes it's hard not to, and I get it. Exposition is necessary to clear up misunderstood context.

Read up to chapter 6. My thoughts are thus: Quality: 5/5. Pretty easy rating to give, the writing and editing quality is superb. Not a jot or a title out of place. Development: 3/5. Not to say that it isn't interesting, but there's a lot, and I mean, A LOT, of exposition and "telling" as opposed to "showing", though I assume that beyond where I stopped is better about it. Not that exposition is bad, it's just, y'know, abused a little. I'm just one of those kinds of guys that despise walls of text, sue me. Character design: 4/5. I haven't really seen much of our main character other than his personality, which so far is pretty interesting. World Background: 4/5. Other than a few glimpses of his interactions with those in the real world, there wasn't much, but I'm assuming most of the world-building will come in later chapters. Overall, deserves a 4.2 in my opinion. Keep up the good work, it's got potential.

Like those bad simulator games on steam where literally every one of the characters looks the same. What gets me is how some depict "children" as miniaturized adult assets. It's like looking at an insect next to its nymph. Cringeworthy, but hilarious at the same time.

I actually know some people that think that everyone around them is an NPC. Yes, they do exist. Let that sink in.