A Waifu’s Assertion

-Fishing Village Outside of Kirigakure- 

It felt nostalgic being out and about with my boys and Haku, who used to be one of my boys. Gozu and Meizu slapped up nicely in matching Kirigakure pinstriped yukata, flanking Haku's pink. She quietly brewed tea while the brothers held fishing poles, angling for lunch. I sat atop a lacquered black folding chair, cleaned up by Haku with a fresh haircut and shave, in a black kimono she ordered embroidered in black with ocean art and a savage oni emerging from the clouds over the setting sun on my back. The black on black embroidery sent the message, 'Yes I have money, and it's none of your business'. All the most detailed work done on my back was lost under my Kirigakure pinstripe haori. 

Girl's got impeccable taste. 

Perhaps it doesn't feel nostalgic, as today, for the first time since I Substituted Zabuza Momochi, I've taken a break. From day one I've perma-fried my neurons trying to work my way through Hiruzen Sarutobi's Template Stack. Even with the boost to Tier 5 from Template Stack II, there are years of content for me to go through to complete the Template, to inherit fully the abilities of the God of Shinobi, a decade and a half without Shadow Clone hacks (it could be faster, but I lack the regenerative brand of autism that allows Naruto to survive cooking his brains with scores of clones training at once. I my clones stick to a rigid schedule to avoid my think meat leaking out my ears and nose. Asura reincarnation OP). The man was so talented, educated, and experienced he basically grinded out to Six Eyes level of chakra mastery, and I mean TALENTED. Honesty, Hiruzen is so busted he makes the Talents shelled out by The Company almost mundane. That's why I picked him over options like Big Tree Energy Hashirama or Emo Eyes Madara. They have abilities that bang harder than Hiruzen for sure, but neither of them had the straight love of the game like he did. I hazard to guess a fully mastered Hiruzen Template in a Company built god bod claps cheeks thunderously. 

My time is taken by more than just personal gains, as from the start I've done my best to utilize Education Talent to build up those around me, something that just got worse with every expansion of my follower base. It takes a lot of teaching to create a well rounded genin, it is an order of magnitude greater to create well rounded chunin, and another for jonin. Well rounded kage take a lifetime and god-like talent. Even with the convenience of level gating employed to lower the value of capturing and killing low rank shinobi since the founding of the Hidden Villages - opposite the Warring Clans Era were kids were loaded up with as much techniques as possible with the hope they'd be strong enough to survive - my mind is bombarded daily by dozens of training sessions with knuckle dragging mongoloid troglodytes masquerading as ninja. Sessions that only hold value due to Education Talent cutting out the IQ middleman in the learning process. 

It also serves as an unbreakable cypher, as the Education Talent bypass really allows JJK levels of 'I can do it but don't ask me to explain it' technical skills. 

Despite my days and nights of chronic exhaustion, fatigue, and burn out, life is good. On my shoulder rested an odachi in a glossy mahogany scabbard. Once again Shigure proved herself a genius beyond compare, the woman very much a Mary Sue shonen love interest. I'd expected her to master the properties of Chakra Metal quickly, her dedication and experience in metallurgy easily incorporating the fantasy material. I did not expect her to take her journeyman level Sealing Jutsu and weave it together to make a first try sword that dunks on five of the Seven Swords, with only Samehada and Hiramekarei matching it in design quality, though Hiramekarei stood no chance against it. 

In consideration of my 'journeyman swordsmanship', Shirgure forged a blade both broad and thick with an edge profile designed for durability over sharpness. Not as exaggerated in geometry as Ichigo's first sword, but close enough to feel like an insult, a passive aggressive way of saying 'I don't trust you with anything less delicate than a tank on a hilt.'. The woman gets me perfectly. 

On the light side of the hamon she etched chakra disruption seals. On tags those seals wreak havoc on a target's chakra control, on the sword they disrupt incoming justu, destroying the essential change in chakra shape portion of ninjutsu. On the dark side of the hamon, along the thick spine of the blade, she etched an intricate web of five seals, Fire Sealing Method, Water Sealing Method, Wind Sealing Method, Lighting Sealing Method, and Earth Sealing Method. The five elemental sealing formulas absorb disrupted jutsu, making quick work of the raw elemental chakra left over by the disruption seals. Along the tang she inscribed a formula that taps into that matrix, allowing me to pull out the raw elemental chakra for my own use. 

On her first attempt Shigure created a sword that's a better hacker than Kubikiribocho (the sword with the dumbest gimmick among all the Seven Swords of the Mist, none of the other swords break making regen dumb AF!), with slightly less utility than Samehada (why is a shark on a stick so clutch!), that outright stomps the Kibas and Hiramekarei (your chakra is mine!), and is one hundred percent less ass than Nubari, Kabutowari, and Shibuki (in descending order, and only because the dumb hammer and axe tied together to make a 'sword' does less team killing). Plus its classy AF with mahogany once again showing up in the handle, wrapped in white rayskin and red silk cord capped with gilded pommel and guard. My sword is more valuable than the village in both combat utility and aesthetics. At least that first claim is true when discounting the army of resurrected freaks in my Retinue. 

Remembering Juzo's shock when I gave her Kubikiribochou hits different with Shorikimasu (Victory to Come) in hand. What a scrub. 

"If I'd known this was such a formal event I would have dressed appropriately." Called out Mei Terumi, the leader of the rebel forces in the current civil war plaguing the Land of Water. 

I didn't need to turn around to know she came with her top lackies, Ao and Chojuro, the only character capable of using his byakugan for plot relevant actions and the kid who would eventually grow up into the second strongest wielder of one of the Seven Swords ever (trailing Kisame is no disrespect, bro. Sharkboy is scary!). I did eventually tilt my head to peep game at my rebel rival and after giving her the once over I gave her the nod.

She wasn't Cornelia Li Britannia, but beggars can't be choosers. 

"Such a lustful gaze from such a fine man. So exciting!" she fake smiled keeping her plush pink lips closed. 

Lustful? Projecting much? I hit her with the 'Daddy's mild approval faint smile' technique and quietly let her stew in her own brain activity. Zabuza was hot before The Company did their magic on this body. Haku assured me after my haircut and shave that I drive women crazy with the need to breed. Such support! 

Feeling pretty good about myself, I gestured to the second folding chair besides mine. Ao gave a silent all clear, veins bulging under and around the eyepatch, and Mei sauntered over to sit with exquisite posture in the backless traditional seat. Girl kept it racy in a tight tailored off the shoulder blue dress that draped over one hip, but the high slit left the other exposed without the navy miniskirt she wore under it, all of it over a mesh armor off the shoulders top and hoes. 

"You don't dress like someone important." I told her and chuckled at her clenching her teeth. 

Such a hair trigger temper. 

"And you dress like a self important fop." she fired back with a low growl. 

"I've heard that the man who has to say, 'I am the king', is no true king." I smirked as we faced the ocean, "In the interest of not killing every disrespectful ass I meet, I decided to dress like I'm better than all the other ninjas running around. That way, I can filter through who is smart enough to live for now, and everyone else."

"Don't waste time trying to intimidate us." Mei spat, metaphorically not lava, "We're all products of the Bloody Mist." 

I cast a derisive glance at Chojuro.

"Almost all." she corrected grudgingly then looked over at my pink clad Devotee, "And the girl, I heard you'd been traveling with your apprentice, not your little lovee." 

Haku's instant blush is why I'll never try to make her a real kunoichi. Too pure, must protect.

"Don't get your jealous hackles up, Mei. I'm still single." I informed her, causing her lone exposed eye to widen, "Kept it that way so we could end this conflict in the traditional way." 

"Traditional…way…" Mei suddenly grit her teeth and clenched her fist, "Do you think I'm some kind of easy woman!" 

"Don't raise your voice to me." I commanded, causing that eye widening again.

Poor Mei, a kunoichi in an anime world where facial expressions are exaggerated to make up for the lack of detail and subtlety inherent in the medium. 

"If you can't be bothered to keep a calm and reasonable demeanor during our dealings, then leave." I demanded in an even tone.

Mei scoffed then shook her head, "You've changed." 

"Improved." I countered.

"What's your vision for Kirigakure?" Mei asked and settled her hands on her knees.

"I want to spend my days training myself and others, while my wife spends her days working hard to run the administration despite her always pregnant belly." I informed her. 

"So you want to make me your broodmare? That's one way to hamper a rival." Mei once again adopted her passive aggressive tone, one of the only warning signs that she is about to go full on aggressive.

Despite the danger of it destroying this meeting, I couldn't help but laugh, "Hmph-hmph hehehe ha-ha-ha! Rival? Hehehe! I don't remember you being so funny! Rival! Ha!" 

As my noble mien broke down, Mei's countenance fell and her posture hunched over as her fists tightened.

Pulling myself together I let my chest stop heaving and said, "You're not my rival, Mei. You're an employee on strike. I'm here to bring you all back into the fold. Take the offer."

Mei's chakra rose as her hands began to form a seal. Her hands jerked to a stop as she felt the edge of Shorikimasu across her throat. It felt good to put that Sonic driven speed to use, my blitz arriving behind her from a seated position before she managed her first seal, long before my sword's scabbard hit the ground, the 'tonk' of which caused Ao and Chojuro to flinch. 

And they say reverse grip is pointless. Holding my odachi in my left hand, my right reached around swept Mei's bangs up over her covered eye. 

"Feeling tired of my generosity?" I inquired and patted her cheek as my odachi proved that even an edge focused on durability from Shigure Kosaka is still razor sharp. 

With a shaking hand, Chojuro reached for the handles of Hiramekarei, so I turned my head to him, my expression easily conveying my amusement and caused his hands to still. 

"This is the trouble of working with old friends." I sighed heavily, "They always get hung up on who you used to be. Such limited imagination. New sword is buttery on the draw, by the way. Much respect to the swordsmith, all hail the swordsmith." 

Shorikimasu reflected brilliantly in the sunlight, the intentful curves and lines of the sealing script flowing down the crescent blade like a story unfolding. TLDR on that story, Zabuza wins. With the ease of surpassing confidence, I removed the blade from Mei's throat and slowly walked over to the scabbard and upon inspection let out another sigh, this time of relief, then exclaimed, "Oh thank the gods it didn't get damaged. I'd hate to mar such a thing of beauty."

I could get lost in the highly polished grain of this scabbard. 

"Mhm. Mahogany." I muttered in a daze. 

Meanwhile, Mei put a hand on the leaking red line across her neck. 

Pulling myself out of my appreciative stupor, I slowly turned my head towards my 'rival' as I slid the long curved blade back into its home and smiled widely at Mei and her friends, "I'm still feeling generous (more like completely unthreatened)." I declared, "You three can run on back to your friends and discuss amongst yourselves. When you're ready to return to work, and to a life of holy matrimony and blessed motherhood, com'on back. I'll be waiting." 

Feeling fully my foremost place at the top of the pecking order, Mei and her companions bowed their heads and left in a shunshin blur. Looked pretty slow on my end. Letting out a big breath I went back to appreciating the blue expanse of the rolling sea meeting the heavy clouds of grey sky as foamy white waves expended themselves on rocky shoreline. 

Gravel crunching under her sandles, Haku hesitantly approached my side. 

"Lord Zabuza, do you intend to take the rest of the day off?" she inquired in a faint tone, but I heard her fine.

"Today is a fine day for rest, relaxation, and recreation." I declared to the world. 

Just try to take my quarterly cheat day away from me, I dare you. I'll run right to Konoha and nail Ninja Jesus to a cross.

Sensing the world backing down from any plans to fuck with me, I smirked. 

"Excellent, my Lord." Even in just my peripheral I could make out her head to toe blush. 

Watchout on that blood pressure, girl. 

"I was hoping… I want to talk to you… I WANT TO FUCK!" she eventually shouted, then looked around completely embarrassed. 

Jeez girl, how hard up are you?

"Haku." I sighed at once again having to explain the themes and tone of the Naruto-verse, "Genin are to be as pure as fresh driven snow. It doesn't make any sense to me, but those are the ways of the world." 

"Then it's a good thing I'm a chunin." Haku declared, then in a show of daring reached out and grabbed my hand, lacing her fingers with mine. 

"Hmm?" I requested additional detail.

"Gengetsu stamped my promotion request while skimming through this morning's requisition forms." Haku revealed her naughty secretarial indiscretion. 

I turned my head down to face her, causing her to look away immediately, and we remained like that, her fidgeting as the tension building in her revealed itself so plainly. Finally, after what must have felt like an eternity, she managed to once more establish eye contact, and I asked her one simple question:

"How 'bout it then?" 

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