Ch. VIII | Bonding over Family

The snow was drifting outside so peacefully. It was early in the morning. I could see my breath even in my bed while huddled under the covers. Despite the fact I stocked the fire the night before and fixed the gaps in the window in my room, it was still frigid cold. If my years had taught me anything, it was that getting dressed on cold mornings was miserable. Thankfully, I had laid my clothes under the blankets with me, so they were already warm with what little heat I currently possessed.

I wrestled myself into my clothes and kept the blanket draped over myself like the tents my daughter and I used to build until the last possible second when I needed to slip on my shoes and leave. I counted down in my head as I braced myself for the outside air. Three. Two. One. I pulled the blanket from my body and quickly slipped on my cloak and shoes. This was only half of the battle. I also had to brace myself for the frigid air. The wind thrashed at my frame the moment I cracked open the door.

Just before I left, I remembered something I wanted to bring and briskly walked to the small box I hid under my bed. It was something I had made before leaving my daughter - a sketched portrait. It was expensive, but well worth it as I stared at the eyes of my daughter on the canvas. I usually kept this memento with me wherever I went, but I had taken it out when washing my dress. I placed it into my pocket before rushing back out into the freezing wind.

The walk to the Turret seemed shorter and shorter each day as I weaved through the streets. It was amazing the amount of change that happened. The walk that used to fill me with apprehension and fear now filled me with fascination and excitement. The barrels made me stronger and talking with Steele made me smarter.

Steele, I discovered, was actually quite thoughtful when he spoke, and his learning curve reminded me of when my daughter was young and learning dozens of words in no time at all. He was intelligent, even beyond what Caster suspected. He was a quick study and had enormous amounts of patience, especially when I was trying to learn words and phrases from his language. I wished I could learn as quickly as him. A few hours of me fumbling through the pronunciation of his words was significantly more than the one hour he would take to learn considerably more than me.

I nodded a curt good morning to the guards who were shivering in their armor as I hurried along inside the Turret and onto the Lock. I was grateful for the air in here. It was motionless and significantly warmer than the air outside. I stepped onto the Lock and pulled the lever. The gears creaked and groaned from the cold as they began lowering me into the darkness to the lower levels. I stopped at the first level and dragged the barrels for Steele onto the platform before pulling the lever again and reaching the final level.

I tugged the door open which protested in a whining shriek while wheeling the barrels into the pitch-black room. How could they leave him in total darkness for so long? Shouldn't they at least give him a torch so he can light the oil on his own when he woke up? I glanced around the darkness. The only light present was from the torch I placed on the bolt just outside of the door. I walked over and checked the cauldrons before leaving. The oil was running low, and we would need it if we were going to practice our words today. I had almost made it out of the room when I heard the chains rattle and shift.

"R...Raina?" The way he spoke my name was mesmerizing, like hearing a stormy sky speaking my name. I turned toward the darkness and could barely see the Orion's violet eyes in the shadows.

"Good morning Steele," I called out, biting my lip wishing I had greeted him in his language instead of my own. I would have to make up for it during our lesson.

"Goood morning, Raina," he repeated. The heavy chains rattled again. Undoubtedly, he was sitting up. "You are leave? No… leav-ing?" I shook my head, making sure to over exaggerate my motions so he could see them clearly.

"No. I am not leaving. We need more light - fire and oil. I will be back. Ooon mnyim." I smiled to myself, remembering the words in Orion for, "I will return." I had to focus more than I thought on breaking down each and every word. Slurring my words together and shortening them made things confusing while Steele was learning.

"Good," he replied. Though I couldn't see in the darkness, I imagined Steele smiling. He did that a lot more recently when I came to spend time with him.

I stepped out of the room, refilled the cauldrons with oil, and carefully set them ablaze. The light danced across the slick surface and traveled down the stairs and by the platform, finally illuminating Steele who was now sitting up and slightly propped against the wall. He smiled thoughtfully as I went down the stairs and walked along the platform toward him.

This was part of our pattern now.

I would go down the stairs and ask in his language, "How are you?" He would respond in my language with one of a few different words including tired, good, well, hungry, or sick. Admittedly, he was much better at speaking than I was and, more often than not, I would spend our time together teaching him my language since he was faster.

"How are you?" I asked. Steele contemplated his response before answering.

"I Sleep… slep-t? Slept? Well," he said. I could feel the smile spread across my face before I could even think.

"Good. Um… th… right, your tongue. Tharn," I praised, again in my language and then in his language. Steele nodded a twice in approval.

"You? Slep-t good?" he asked. I nodded.

"Yes. I slept well," I said. I unintentionally began speaking in my own language, purely out of habit, though Steele didn't seem to mind. He absorbed each and every word, his violet eyes keenly trained on me. "Do you want to eat first? Or learn words?"

"Learn words, please," replied Steele. The gentle smile that tugged at the sides of his lips made the crows feet at the edges of his eyes deepen. It was sweet and charming.

"Okay, we will learn more words," I replied in kind.

I started by going through the words he learned already. We talked about his arms and how they were healing. He said the guards were leaving him alone more, which was actually a good thing. Part of the time was usually just me talking about my home and answering questions about our world. Another part of our time was him trying to describe his home. Most of the time, however, was spent by me telling him stories and things about my past. It was mainly to help expand his word base, but his questions, when he asked them, were very insightful.

Despite all I had told him, I hadn't told him about my daughter. I didn't know why I hadn't brought her up. Months ago, when I invested in the idea that Steele was indeed guilty of his crimes, I dared not reveal anything about the one person who was so precious to me. Now? The growing doubt in my mind ever since Steele saved my life from the fall had become a firmly held belief.

How could such a thoughtful person, even an Orion, be capable of such violence? There was no way it was possible. Unless he had an immense change of heart, something Caster did not think many people were capable of, Steele's nature did not fit the savage attacker he was portrayed as to the public.

Still, I hadn't dared myself to ask Steele about the crimes he was accused of nor whether he actually committed those crimes. That part of me, the shy and timid part that knew my place, held me back from asking him directly what happened that day many years ago.

I must've fallen silent for a time because I only noticed after several seconds that Steele's finger was right in front of me tapping on the ground. He did this from time to time when he needed to get my attention and I was caught by my thoughts. My daze was broken and I looked back up into his soft violet eyes.

"Raina? Are you si-ick? All well?" asked Steele. There was something in his eyes that harbored concern and care. I smiled quickly, perhaps a little too quickly, and nodded.

"Yes. All well," I replied. "Sorry, I was just thinking about something." Steele's brow knitted together, making the dirty smudge marks on his face line his features harshly. It was then that I noticed something in his eyes, like something was on the tip of his tongue.

"Raina? May I… ask question?" asked Steele.

"Of course. Yes," I said, realizing I echoed the same tone when my daughter asked a question of me.

"Why you be Factotum? You… choose… chose?" asked Steele. The question itself caught me completely off guard. I honestly didn't think he would be interested in my position. On the other hand, perhaps he wanted to hear about a more recent event rather than something from my childhood.

"I did," I replied. "A friend of mine, Caster, helped me get this position."

"Yes, but why? You fear… used to fear me… Orion. Orion brings fear. You brave for coin? Coin means much here?" asked Steele. I was impressed that Steele was trying to put together pieces of our society, but his words struck something in me. I knew that what he said was true. Ultimately, I was brave for the coin, but it was ultimately more than that. I looked away from Steele for a moment, an action that didn't go unnoticed by his keen eyes and chuckled unsurely.

"That is one way to describe it. Yes, I was brave for coin, but it is also to provide for my daughter," I replied. Immediately, I could see a wave of surprise and intrigue on Steele's face. It was most likely because I used new words he hadn't heard before.

"Dah-ter?" he asked. "What is it?"

I wanted to tell Steele about my daughter for some time, but it didn't seem relevant until now. I looked back to Steele and was suddenly very aware that I wasn't sure how to describe the word "daughter" to him.

"Um… Yes. Daughter. Um… young… small… girl." I tried accompanying the words with gestures, all of them unfortunately vague. I gestured to myself. "Young me, but not me. Her name is Terrilyn. Terrilyn is my daughter. I'm her mother."

"Koothaloo naterma?" asked Steele. I searched my memory desperately trying to remember if he used these words before but was unsuccessful.

"You, Raina, and small Raina?" asked Steele. "Terrilyn?" My mind, still racing, remembered the portrait I had grabbed just that morning of my daughter.

"Yes, Terrilyn. She's my daughter. Here, can you see this?" I reached into my side pocket and removed the portrait, the firelight catching the image of my daughter's eyes, and held it up. Steele stiffened and eyes squinted as he attempted to see the image of my daughter. He had this thing, which I wasn't sure he was aware of, where he would take in a small breath and hold it before crouching down near me. Perhaps he did know and was simply being considerate, not breathing on me. Either way, I was grateful and thought it was considerate and sweet of him.

His immense face lowered as he squinted at the portrait. I didn't have issues seeing the details of his face when he was further away, but now that he was closer I could clearly see the lines of age on his face and how many flecks of hair were graced with grey by the sides of his ears. Though his eyes were focused on the frame in my hands, I could gaze into his eyes and see the faint lines within his eyes, picking out the small flecks of varying color within them.

I had been so focused on Steele's eyes that I didn't notice his hand crest over the ledge and rest near me. My focus, now on his hand, could see his injuries had healed nicely. I smiled to myself before looking back to him.

"May I?" asked Steele, keeping his voice just barely above a whisper. My heart thumped hard in my chest. I knew he would be careful. I knew it. Still, there was the slightest hesitance in my heart. I hadn't seen my little girl in so long, and this picture was all I had of her until I could bring her here and hold her in my arms again. My trust in the Orion won me over and I stepped forward toward his hand and laid the frame on his index finger.

Steele slowly adjusted his thumb up to balance the frame's side as he brought the frame up out of my reach. He sat up and slightly pulled away while he examined the picture. There were several moments where he brought the image closer and then further away from his face, squinting and unsquinting his eyes as he did so.

It hadn't occurred to me until now that he may have issues seeing things from time to time. Had he always had these issues? Or was it because of his age? I wondered how old Orion could actually become when I was snapped out of my thoughts when Steele's hand reappeared in my vision.

"Thank you," he said with that familiar smile that made the corners of his eyes wrinkle. "She… Koonyardo vi… see? Like you."

I had to think about which words he used to translate it in my head.

"Look? She looks like me?" I asked as I took back the portrait and pointed to my own face. Steele nodded as he retracted his hand.

"Yes, looks like you… Sylstaryn," said Steele.

My breath hitched in my throat. Sylstaryn? I had heard that word before. It was a word I had used a few times before to describe my home and where I was from. I used it to describe flowers and sunsets. Never had I used it to describe myself.

Sylstaryn. Beautiful. He was saying my daughter was beautiful - that I was beautiful.

I wasn't sure why this touched me and why it made my heart ache and throb the way it did. I was speechless, choked up by a simple word. Perhaps he didn't mean it like that. Perhaps he meant a different word. Knowing him, however, made me realize that there was no way he mistook his words this time. The sincerity in his eyes was enough to let me know he used the correct word. I could only bob my head in a surprisingly bashful nod. When did it get warm in here?

"Yes, she is. I think so at least." I looked up at him. "You think I'm beautiful? Muski sylstaryn?" Steele looked keenly at me and nodded after a moment.

"Yes," he said with a firm, encouraging tone. He didn't even hesitate before he responded. I couldn't help but smile and reach out to touch his hand with my own. If we had been in the sun, I was certain I would be blushing. I remembered being called this once before, but that felt like a long time ago. Instead, I just accepted his words and looked back into those violet eyes.

"Bromidian," I said.

"Youl-heiris," he responded in kind.

We stayed quiet for several minutes as I absorbed his words before disturbing the silence with a question I had of my own.

"Steele?" The Orion's attention was immediately refocused onto me. "Do you have children? Um… naterma? To a girl? Like Terrilyn?" Steele's expression turned from thoughtful to very amused.

"Naterma? No. You are naterma. Girl. Uh… Koonyardo vi… ma-ther," said Steele. At hearing this, I looked away, partially mortified at my error. He just used the word to describe me. Why did I think it could also describe him? I hid behind my hands for a moment, splaying my fingers to hide more of my embarrassed blushing features.

At seeing my face and my reaction, Steele began chuckling, which rapidly turned into a poor attempt to stifle his laugh. It echoed against the walls of the cave, sounding like a sourceless roll of thunder. Seeing him laugh, one of the first times where he was truly laughing, made my heart lighten to the point of his laughter becoming contagious until he caught his breath.

"I understand now," I said finally. "Mother, naterma. So, what are you? Naterma and…" I gestured to myself as I said this new word, "naterma," and gestured to him and awaited his response.

"I am naperna," replied Steele.

"Naperna. So, you are a father," I said. I watched Steele mouth the word several times before speaking.

"Fa ther?" asked Steele.

"Father. Yes," I replied. "So, you are a father?"

The joy I saw in Steele's face at my unfortunate word confusion subtly shifted. There was a fondness in his eyes, but something else too. For what felt like a few minutes, Steele didn't respond as he seemed to reminisce on something that I couldn't see. Finally, I said his name again to get his attention.

"Steele?" I called. Steele inhaled deeply and snapped from his daze and looked back to me. "Do you… have a daughter? A son?"

Something had shifted in my Orion friend. There was a silence I hadn't received from him before. There was a specific silence when he was trying to find the right words to say. There was a silence when he didn't understand. This was neither. It reminded me of Caster. It reminded me of a handful of times when I confronted my daughter. He was avoiding the question.

"I… I'm sorry… I didn't mean to…"

"No… no sorry…" interrupted Steele. A pit formed in my gut. Did something happen? "And yes…"

What? I didn't understand. What was he talking about? Yes and no?

"I don't understand," I said aloud in my own confusion. Steele, eyes still averted and looking worn and tired now, blinked a few times as he looked into the darkness in the chamber.

"Terrilyn is a daw ter?" he asked, to which I nodded. "I have… a son. Mithos. He… Koonyardo vi… no… I… bad. Ooon bravista. Koomarno kavishki, ooon sesil strumnakoth Ombre…"

Steele continued in his language, rambling on and on seemingly scrambling for the words to say while looking frustrated with himself. He looked torn. He looked disappointed.

Still…

Of all the things he said… one word truly stuck out in my mind.

Ombre.

The name of the western town that was destroyed – supposedly by Steele himself. I recalled Caster's conversation with me.

{"Caster? What aren't you telling me about Steele?"

"Well," said the elderly apothecary, slowing to a stop. "I have nothing to confirm it, but I've had my suspicions for some time now. Other Factotum, before they left their post, expressed Steele's relative… neutrality toward them and how he would watch them. All left because other positions opened, not because Steele ever made a violent gesture toward them despite popular belief."

"What are you saying?"

"As I said, I do not have anything to confirm it, but I understand that people tend to adhere to patterns regardless of where they're from. It takes a considerable will to actively change oneself from my personal experiences. With that said, I am not entirely certain of Steele's guilt," stated Caster.

"You… don't think… he did it? You don't think that Steele was the one who committed the crime?"

"I do not know my dear, and you would be good to keep these things in confidence between the two of us. I, personally, find it odd that such a large entity who could easily pull those chains loose from the wall, crush us effortlessly without remorse, and who could undoubtedly escape chooses to do none of those things and, instead, saves the life of his captors' employment and elects to stay. There may be more to our Orion than meets the eye. Still waters run deep after all, and he doesn't say much."}

I was absolutely speechless.

Steele was talking about Ombre – and, moments before, his son named Mithos.

The look in Steele's eyes – the disappointment and torn look in his eyes.

I felt my jaw slacken as my ears started ringing. I staggered a few steps to the side. The light that once illuminated my eyes seemed to form into pinpoints.

"Raina?" I heard my name somewhere. It was so far away. It was bringing me back from my racing mind. "Viyoo-en rhonor? Raina? You… hear me?" I felt something brush my shoulder and, in an instant, I recognized Steele's finger brushing against me. I looked to either side of me and suddenly realized the surface I was sitting on was Steele's hand. He had stopped talking and had lifted me slightly off of the ground toward him, now holding the most concerned look in his eyes for me.

"I… yes. Viyoo-en rhonor. I'm alright. I can hear you," I reassured him. Relief spread across his face as he smiled, his finger delicately coming to my side and brushing against it. I leaned into the touch.

Then I looked up his arm and back into his face.

It was almost with reluctance, but I had to know.

"Steele?" I began. Did I want to do this? Did I really want to do this?

"Yes?" he replied.

"Why are you here?" I couldn't think of another way to begin. I didn't think any harm would come to me, but that horrible curiosity I saw so often in my daughter didn't come completely from her father. "Why are you here in prison? Why are you here in the Turret with the criminals? The bad people?"

I looked at Steele and continued as I saw a look of confusion cross his features.

"Ombre. I heard you say the name. That's one of our towns to the west. Ombre. It was attacked – they say it was attacked by you. They say you hurt people. You did not attack, did you?" I asked, my voice naturally adopting a tone that indicated I knew what the answer would be. I watched Steele's features shift from translating what I said to what he knew to defensive, to reserved.

"Steele? You didn't attack our town, but someone did. Was… it your son? Did Mithos attack Ombre?" I held my breath, keenly aware of my pulse in my ears and fingertips as well as the rapid pulse I could feel from Steele's hand just beneath me. "I… I'm not upset. I'm not mad. Steele, please, just tell me. Please… tell me my friend. Vandri… benyahoon ne amatchi."

As I invoked Steele's language, I watched the tips of his fingers twitch as he looked away. The same disguising behavior I had seen in Caster and those few times in my own daughter were now in Steele. One look and I knew.

I was right.

"Ptiedier… Ptiedier… I… Ooon bravista… I am… bad… bad person… bad father, bad son… my fault." Steele, wordlessly, lowered me back to the ledge and began to tilt his hand.

No.

It was impulsive.

I still, to this day, do not know what possessed me to do it, but I still did it.

I threw myself further onto his palm, turned, and wrapped my arms around his middle finger. I felt the shiver go through his body just as I felt it go through mine. He dared not move, and I knew it. I always knew it about him. He was too kind – too gentle – to be guilty. He had to know that. I had to tell him that.

"Steele, you are not bad. Do you hear me? Not bravista! Not a bad naperna. Not a bad person. He is not you, Steele. He is not you. It is not your fault. Vandri!" The broken words felt like they were breaking me. My heart ached in a way I didn't think it could again. Everything began to set in.

Was that why he was here? Was he in here because of his son? Is that why he wasn't leaving? There were so many questions that were hammering against my head. I was overwhelmed to the point where I felt my face becoming warm and wet.

"Raina…" Steele's voice tight, constricted. I felt the tips of his fingers brush against my back and begin rubbing, as if to soothe me. I barely registered the chains clanking as Steele readjusted. I could partially see the ledge vanish as Steele brought his hands closer to his chest.

"Raina, vandri, doshti whyr," he said over and over; a phrase I knew meant, "please, do not cry." I managed to get a hold of myself after several minutes of my Orion reassuring me over and over.

No.

I couldn't leave things like this.

Nothing was resolved. I relinquished my grip around his finger and turned to face him. His violet eyes connected instantly with mine.

"Steele," I said firmly. "You listen to me, and you listen well." I could hear the maternal authority latching onto each word. Even Steele looked impressed, eyebrows furrowing and then raising as my voice rang out against the cavern walls.

"You are good. If you were a bad person, you would not have saved me. When I fell from the ledge, you saved me. If I fell now, you would catch me. A bad person would not save another. A bad person would not feel sad or remorse or guilt.," I argued. "I would not be here if I didn't believe you were good. Trust me. Trust me, Steele."

~~~~~^*^*^*^~~~~~

I understood many of her words and didn't understand others.

Trust me.

There were those words again.

How?

How could she trust me?

I just confessed to my failures. I told her I was a horrible father; that I failed my son and wasn't able to stop him from hurting her people. I told her this is why I was here – atoning for my failures. If I had been a better father, a better man, perhaps Mithos would not have become who he was today.

Still…

This woman…

She said I was good and that she saw good in me.

Trust me…

Truly… she was an amazing person.

I repeated the phrase, feeling ready to leave this horrid topic behind us; but, at the same time, wanting to invest in everything she said.

Was she right? I wasn't even sure. What I did know was that she hadn't led me down the wrong path since we met. Did she see something I couldn't see? Or was she seeing past my failures? I feared, deep in my heart, that she was seeing something that wasn't there. The other part of me hoped she had enough strength to believe the same about herself. I could see in her eyes that she too harbored something deep in her heart as I did; but what was it?

We finished our lesson on a positive note, smiling and ensuring the other was alright. I knew I would understand Raina one day. It would take time, and I thankfully had that.

But… for how long?