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Chapter 34: Peter and Pietro's Alarming Days

Notes:

Alright guys I have some news you're not going to like. I'm dropping this from two updates a week to one. I can't work 40+ hours a week and keep up with the update schedule so I'm preemptively doing this to avoid a hiatus or something later on. I'm deep in the third act of this thing in the drafts and I need to finish the thing before you guys catch up or else there's going to be internal inconsistencies. Because right now I can go back ten chapters and adjust things if they weren't working or needed to be changed for stuff to make sense later on. But chasing eight year olds around is exhausting and some nights I'm just not getting the two to three pages written I need to.

So UPDATES every Sunday. If things change, or when I finish drafting the fic I'll go back to the Sun/Wed schedule.

Chapter Text

Peter felt his spider sense blair, every muscle in his body stilled in absolute terror. His eyes widened, he even stopped breathing. Maybe he could fling himself from the window without anyone noticing him?

"I could have sworn I just heard you have diarrhea of the mouth." Darcy's tone had a terrifying calmness to it.

The mechanic slapped his hand on the hood of Aunt May's honda. "Just calling it like it is sweet cheeks."

Peter edged away from Darcy. Should he restrain her if she tried to strangle the man with her bare hands? He was tempted to leave the idiot to his fate.

Darcy's hand with her transforming taser bangle twitched. "Ten minutes under the hood. If the car's running again after that you will refund Mrs Parker and record a video of you saying 'I am a sexist and incompetent asshole'. If I can't fix it then I'll pay you double what you're asking for. Deal? Or are you a coward as well as a sexist and incompetent asshole?" Her smile showed far too many teeth.

Peter's smile felt plastic as he handed the car keys to Aunt May. "So Darcy and I picked up the car for you from the shop."

"Hold up young man." Aunt May looked at him. She gave an exhausted sigh. "Is the mechanic shop at least still standing?"

He winced, but kept his smile as much as possible. "Shop is still shoppy."

"And your sister didn't come in with you why?" Aunt May reached for her purse. "Do we need to bail her out of jail?"

Peter shuffled. "No? It was kinda close. But uh no. Darcy's just fixing the car in the garage. She uh...I don't think you can go back to that mechanic."

"Well before you go up to your room please remind your sister that my car does not need to have jet propulsion. Or guns in the headlamps, I don't care how cool it looked in that movie." Aunt May set her purse back down.

Peter slumped, oh she thank Thor, she wasn't mad. And technically none of Darcy's muttered ideas for upgrades to the car were what Aunt May had just said. He had plausible deniability. "Sure Aunt May. Also Darcy got you a full refund. Bye!" He didn't wait for more questions, Darcy could fall on that sword thank you very much.

He zipped back into the garage. "No guns in the head lamps and no jet propulsion! Also you suck for making me do that!" Peter narrowly avoided a flying wrench as he flipped over the car and out the side door.

Peter pulled his mask over his face before dropping down next to Daisy, who was using her powers to keep two drunk idiots from being able to get at each other.

She looked over at him. "Sup, I'm not sure they even know I'm here."

"Should I web them?" He raised a brow as he recognized the slurred profanity they were yelling at each other. "Possibly their mouths?"

"No, one of them is def going to puke soon and murder by forced drowning in puke is not...let's not do that." Daisy cringed in disgust. "I already called the cops. These two morons will be spending the night in jail. And I stopped feeling bad about it two minutes ago."

His nose wrinkled as he got a whiff of alcohol. "So...do you need help?"

"Really?" She dropped a hand on her hip and stared at him in disbelief. Which fair, the idea that either of his sisters couldn't handle two drunk civilians was ridiculous. Especially Daisy.

Peter's cheeks heated, he was glad his mask hid it. "Right...uh...should I just go?"

"Nope, we're helping Yuri after this." Daisy's lips twitched up.

He beamed. "I get to help!"

"Yeah, partners right?" She punched his shoulder.

Peter bounced, he was finally getting brought in on the good stuff! His spider sense was the only reason he managed to dodge the puke from drunk asshole number two. "Oh Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew."

"Ready to stop trying to punch each other?" Daisy asked, her voice bored and mostly uninterested in their replies.

Peter cocked his head to the side. Huh, either drunk one had slept with the other's mother. Or at some point in their argument he'd claimed he'd slept with the man's mother….and no, they weren't interested in stopping their 'fight'. If swinging at the air Daisy was quaking so they couldn't get at each other counted as a fight. He looked at his sister. "Do you think they'll get tired?"

Peter stared at Darcy. He had been about to go to bed, but now he had a sister sitting on the foot of his bed with a glint in her eye. Sleep would have to wait. "What?"

"So Daisy obviously needs to learn to swim. And she punched cthulhu. So we could use some...humanizing and making sure people don't start to put together how actually terrifying she is." Darcy explained. "So, think your Spiderchannel could use some learning to swim videos?"

"How do we do that in costume?" He couldn't help but ask. But yeah, that could be pretty hilarious. He was interested.

Darcy grinned. "Well we just have to slap Daisy's mask on her and stick her in a wet suit. I'm sure we can get a Spiderman themed wetsuit for you and your mask is already waterproof."

"Uh….I thought we instituted a rule to only use Daisy's illegal hacking money on necessities?" Peter was still adjusting to not having to worry about bills. Not that Aunt May ever really had shared how things were. But he wasn't stupid. And the constant bickering every time Aunt May found money Daisy had funneled into her account was hilarious. But he refused to let himself just depend on his sisters for everything.

Darcy rolled her eyes. "Kid, our dad is a billionaire. And that last prototype of mine sold for sixteen million. I can spring for some wetsuits." She reached out and ruffled his hair. "Besides, you spent your birthday in a hospital bed due to were-wolf attack."

"You got me a science nerd emergency kit for my birthday? You don't owe me anything?" He stared at her in confusion. It was a cool kit, it was basically all the high calorie snacks he could want, specialty fidget spinners, and a watch programmed to make him take breaks. Legit, it was almost as cool as the leather jacket Daisy had gotten him.

She snorted. "Kid we didn't do anything cool for your birthday, I'm giving you the opportunity to try and drown our sister on camera. Party, or filmed victory over our sister?"

"Swimming sounds awesome." He grinned, he never won anything against Daisy.

Darcy beamed. "Excellent, I'll tell Wanda to drag her to the pool next week."

"Cause Daisy won't question it if Wanda asks?" He double checked. It was always good to double check Darcy's plots.

She laughed. "Exactly. Our sister is a sappy idiot. Now, tell me everything about any progress with Gwen."

"Urgh." He groaned, his cheeks heating as he buried his face in his hands. "She said I looked like a puppy."

Darcy patted him on the back, her snickering was almost not obnoxious.

////

Pietro zipped into the lab. He moonwalked backwards the last stretch to Darcy's desk. "What up?"

Darcy looked up, magnifying goggles giving her a slightly bug eyed look. "You are spending way too much time with my sister."

He shrugged, it was fair, but copying Daisy's slang when speaking to Darcy was amusing. "Who would help me limber up if I didn't spend time with your sister?"

"I should tell Wanda you said that." Darcy slid her goggles up onto the top of her head, while closing the side of one of her portal traveling robots.

He was mostly sure it was Sheep-EE 36, but he could be wrong. Pietro crossed his arms. "Wanda knows I only tease."

"I doubt that will go very far when it comes to innuendo involving her girl." Darcy smirked. "If you help me with this trial run I'll keep my silence though."

He laughed but nodded. "Of course, I came with news though."

"Really? Share with the class speedy." Darcy picked up and dropped her robot into his arms.

Pietro preened. "I was accepted into the training program for firefighters."

"Huh…" Darcy looked at him. "That suits you I think."

"Of course it does. Dashing hero by day and night." He flicked his hair dramatically with a smug grin.

She patted his shoulder while directing him to the testing room. The foot thick glass separating the testing room from the lab at large was only slightly concerning. "Good for you."

"It will be nice to have something to do." He agreed slightly more seriously. Frowning he noticed it really was just them in the lab. "Where is Jane, Ian and the one who never wears pants?"

Darcy huffed. "Field trip to Antarctica for aurora readings. I needed time to rebuild some of the interdimensional drones, so I stayed around."

"And without you, Pepper and Hill here the world would probably end?" Pietro was only slightly joking.

Darcy turned on the control table for the portal generator. "Exactly. Now go put Sheep-EE 36 into the portal generator and let's get some new readings, sweet cheeks."

"Where are you sending this one?" Pietro asked curiously as he gently set the robot exactly where it ought to go. He didn't want to know what Darcy would do to him if he damaged it. She got weird about her creations. It wasn't his fault he tripped over her attack roomba. Really.

Darcy flipped the switches turning everything on. "Since Jane isn't here, it's a message for my bro Thor. I believe he'll get the idea."

Pietro paused, he'd listened to Darcy complain about what a shitty boyfriend but excellent hugger Thor was. She'd actually composed an ode about it last week. "What is the message?"

"Hopefully you'll see when the idiot brings it back via rainbow road. But we're sending it straight into what I believe are his private quarters on Asgard. It's difficult to get an exact lock. But Sheep-EE 23 definitely ended up in the imperial palace on Asgard." Darcy looked up from the control panel. "What are you still doing in there? Get out before it-"

And then the world exploded into light.

His stomach was in his throat, the light practically burned as a sick swooping sensation knocked the air out of him. He wasn't sure if it was seconds or minutes of confounding disorientation, and then his feet slammed onto solid ground.

Pietro's hands grabbed his knees as he wheezed, willing his stomach not to rebel. He winced and looked up as his stomach settled slightly.

This was not Thor's bedroom…..it was almost definitely Asgard. The hundreds of fancy looking people in robes, massive golden stairs and throne with a dude with one eye kinda gave it away. It was...not how he'd pictured meeting an Asgardian properly.

Sheep-EE 36 exploded into a giant pink cloud of pink smoke and glitter and started blaring what sounded like a mash up of something definitly sexual by Lady Gaga and something that involved a lot of the phase 'Fuck You'.

Pietro plastered on his most plastic smile and raised a hand. "Sup." His sister was going to kill him if the aliens didn't first.

////

Darcy stared at the very empty testing room. "Shit nuggets."

This was bad...very bad.

She grabbed her cell phone and dialed Jane. As soon as the ringing stopped the connection clicked open she started talking. "Janey I may have kinda just portaled Pietro into Thor's bed chambers."

There was a long silence. Finally Jane's very groggy voice came through. -"You created an artificial Einstein Rosen Bridge that is still 40% theoretically functional and used it on a human being?"-

"Technically I created an artificial Einstein Rosen Bridge that is still 40% theoretically functional and used it on Sheep-EE 36 and Pietro was maybe accidentally in the testing room." Darcy cringed, oh this was so bad. He was probably alive. Please Thor let him be alive. She refused to do the math. The asshole was alive.

Jane was definitely pinching the bridge of her nose. -"You're going to need Daisy. We don't have a way of holding a bridge open long enough to grab a person and drag them back. If she can keep the black hole open he should have time to come back through."-

"Right… I'll upload the new data." Darcy started bringing up everything from her test and updating their private online server with it. "I'll go collect Daisy while you look at it. How do you feel about skype?"

-"I'm obviously skyping to make sure you don't portal yourself and half the tower to Asgard as well. Or swallow the planet in an uncontrolled black hole."- Jane grumbled as there was a distinct sound of keys clicking.

Darcy ignored the snark and jogged out of the lab for the elevator. "FRIDAY, be a pal and please say Daisy is not currently in the Maximoff's apartment?"

-"I'm afraid I cannot do that Dr Lewis."-

Darcy winced as she hit the correct floor's buttons in the elevator. "Wonderful." She was gonna get magically shischkebobbed.

Accepting her fate Darcy knocked heavily on the door. It wasn't like they really had time for her to waste feeling bad about how much she'd fucked up anyways. She opened the door, no point waiting for someone to open it when she had access. Darcy couldn't help it, she raised her brow as she stared at Daisy and Wanda. "You are so weird."

"Darcy?" Daisy hopped over the side of the couch where they'd been playing battleship.

She shook her head briefly, now was not the time. "I need your help to hold a wormhole stable so we can drag Pietro back from Asgard."

"Pietro's where?" Wanda's eyes blazed red in alarm.

Darcy held up her hands. "Asgard, probably Thor's bedroom. I can't make a portal last longer than four seconds which is fine for robot drops but not for a person who could be trying to flirt with hot alien ladies." She turned to Daisy. "I need you to brute force it and keep it open long enough for him to get back through."

"Of course." Daisy's face settled into her agent face. "I've forced portals open before. Do you have anything to get me up to speed on the resonance first?"

Darcy considered that. "If we dump another Sheep-EE through would that give you enough time to get a feel for it?"

"I'll make it work." Daisy yanked the door open. "How long has he been missing?"

"Ten minutes." Darcy led them towards the elevator. "Jane's going over the specs I used. But the location was definitely Asgard."

Wanda's voice was tightly controlled, but there was the faintest waver to it. "Is Pietro safe?"

"I haven't lost a Sheep-EE to portal related issues since 13." Darcy slapped the button for the lab floor. "He's enhanced and the destination was a habitable planet with friendly aliens. Odds are def in his favor. But he's spending the next forty hours under medical supervision as soon as we get him back."

Daisy gave her a short nod of acknowledgement. "Safest portal incident I've heard of." She reached out touching Wanda's arm lightly.

Wanda didn't say anything, and no one said anything about the wisps of red circling her. Which was honestly less murdery than Darcy had been expecting. Now to get the obnoxious twin back.

Darcy spoke carefully into the microphone. "Pietro, go into the next shiney portal. We're going to hold it open for thirty seconds. Get your speedy ass back through." She hit the stop recording option. Loading up the recording to blast from the Sheep-EE they were about to send through she bit at her lip. He couldn't have gotten that far from the initial portal…..

"Not to judge, or step on the science toes. But what if he's not in Thor's bedroom anymore?" Daisy asked from where she was pulling on one of the testing suits.

Darcy shrugged. "Well if he doesn't come back Sheep-EE is going to make air siren noises till we retrieve it. And somebody will notice that and shove Road Runner back through if they have half a brain cell." She tilted her head to the side. "Or smash it with magical hammer after dumping him through the bifrost."

"Why haven't they just sent him back if they can?" Wanda asked while zipping up the back of Daisy's testing suit. The testing suit they hadn't been planning on using for months, but well they couldn't just have Daisy in jeans. If something went wrong they were going to need all the data possible.

Darcy carefully set a Sheep-EE in the testing room and backed out. "You never spent a lot of time with Thor did you?" She shook her head with a snort. "I'm fully expecting your brother to be sloshed on alien mead and to have taken his swing at Lady Sif already when we get him."

"You know, respect. Lady Sif is a badass." Daisy commented while snapping on the science goggles. She yelped as red energy swirled around her arm. "Babe! Really?"

Wanda shot them both a glare. "Can we not joke till I have him back?"

"Fair, sorry." Darcy accepted, she purposely turned to give the two of them a private second. She flipped the switches and then glanced over her shoulder at her sister. "Time's up, you ready?"

"I got this." Daisy stepped into the testing room, but clearly outside of the portal generator. She sat down cross legged and held her hands palm outwards. Honestly she looked like she was trying some weird futuristic meditation scam.

Darcy took a deep breath. And hit the button.

////

Wanda stayed perfectly still, her powers wrapped protectively around Daisy. If things looked bad she was yanking her girlfriend out of there. They were not portalling her brother and her girlfriend to an alien planet. This was going to give her new and horrifying nightmares. But Daisy's calm confidence was keeping her grounded. Darcy's manic feeling panic was not. Which left her staying out of the way while picking at the cuff of her jacket.

The machine clicked on, the weirdly familier flash of light filling the labs. And then it was like the very air slammed downwards, Daisy's entire body going rigid. There was a blueish blur that came bursting out of the portal and then it snapped shut, Daisy wheezing as she half keeled over.

Wanda's first move was her brother who'd just run straight into a wall. She grabbed her brother and let out a breath she hadn't known she was holding as he grinned dopily at her. She just crushed him into a tight hug. "You idiot." She hissed.

"I'm fine...uh that wasn't Thor's bedroom by the way." Pietro hugged her back. His familiar warmth and presence easily slotting back exactly how it should be.

Darcy punched his shoulder. "Why did you linger in the testing room? I mean I was stupid and didn't check you were out, but dude!"

"You were right that Asguardians are hot though. 10/10." He grinned at Darcy.

Wanda slipped out of his arms with a final squeeze. She left him and Darcy to snipe about alien hotness and lab protocols. She dropped to one knee in front of Daisy. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, that was disturbingly easier than last time." Daisy's voice was slightly breathy, but she wasn't radiating any pain. More sort of dazed jitteriness. "Pietro ok?"

Wanda leaned forward and kissed her solidly. She sighed as she pulled back. "Thank you."

"Totes." There was a smile to Daisy's voice as she lightly brushed their noses against each other.

She pressed a last light kiss to Daisy's lips before floating back to her feet. Without waiting to see Daisy try to be tough, she easily hooked under Daisy's arm and hauled her girlfriend to her feet.

"Are you two always this sickenly sweet?" Darcy asked, her voice slightly exasperated.

Wanda felt her cheeks heat slightly.

Daisy rolled her eyes before replying. "Well we were having a board game date night before you went mad scientist. So your suffering is irrelevant."

"Well game night is still on hold. We have to go put Road Runner here through medical supervision." Darcy tossed Daisy her bundle of clothing. "And you need out of the space suit. I'm impressed at how well you're pulling it off cause it's hideous. But off."

Wanda glanced between her brother and her girlfriend. "All four of us are going to be in the medical labs for a long time aren't we?"