Linus Will(Won't) Save the World (Rewritten)

Here I am, standing in front of an obnoxious-looking young man. 

How did I get here, you might ask?

To be honest, I don't remember much. 

There was a meeting at work, so I was traveling by foot. Along the way, I saw a hooded man running away from cops. 

I'm not a hero, so I got out of his way.

That's the last thing I remember before blacking out.

Speaking of black, this place is white. Just white.

No, honestly, my eyes are starting to hurt.

This guy needs to start talking soon or else I'm going to leave.

"Hahaha...you don't have any tact, do you..." He murmured.

Looks like he can read my mind.

Please stop doing that you two-faced looking shady-ass dude.

"U-Uh...you do realize that I'm God, right?"

Look at my face and see if I care.

"I...I can see that you don't..."

So, why did you bring me here?

"Hmph, I'm not speaking to a rude person who doesn't even greet their God."

Cool, see me off at the exit.

"Wait! Wait! Just hear me out?"

Start speaking.

"Ugh...okay so I took you out of your world to send you to another world-"

Oh, that usual chicane. Not interested.

"Hehe...you don't have a choice."

You know, this would work better if you were an old man.

"Why would I want to be an old man when I can be this handsome!?!" 

Uwaah...pathetic.

"Shut up! Anyway, you're going to another world, and that's final!"

Yeah, yeah...

So, why are you doing this, Mr. God?

"Hmm, frankly this world is quite boring. It has remained stagnant for over 400 years. So I decided to throw in a pebble to disrupt the river flow."

A pebble can't disrupt the river flow idi-

"It can if it grows in size! Understand? You need to grow str-"

I think I get it. 

"Ugh...stop interrupting me. I have blessings from the other Gods to help you grow stronger."

Sounds interesting. Is there a blessing that lets me sleep on command?

"I'll **** myself if there was a blessing like that!!!! You know what, I'm not going to give you the blessings as planned. You'll have to earn them during your journey."

So he says...with an evil smile.

"Anyway, you will be born to a commoner's family. I might send some basic information about the world into your head. Other than that...well, just choose your path and you'll end up doing what I want you to do."

Say, can I meet the other Gods? Maybe they're cooler than you-

"No, they're not! I'm the best God!"

Alright...so, you got a name?

"Ah, you can call me Z." 

...you don't know what 'cool' means, do you?

Are there any rules during this second life?

"Hmm, rules eh...I'll be watching you so I can always just call you back if you do something undesirable. But as long as humanity doesn't go extinct, you should be fine."

That's...

A smile finally found its way to my face.

It wasn't evil. Or filled with malice.

No, it was a genuine smile, filled with happiness.

And that's precisely why it unnerved Z.

"W-Well...you need to act with some morals..."

Your suggestion has been noted.

"And you need to stop being so rude."

Your suggestion has been noted.

"Fine, have it your way. I know your personality, so I'll throw in a few headaches for you. Consider them a  gift."

Huh? Wait, tell me more about that-

"Bye-Bye! Enjoy your headache-filled life!"

The light dimmed as darkness filled my vision. 

When my consciousness returned, I was being manhandled by a couple. 

The man looked like in his 40s. With sharp features and a short beard, he resembled a seasoned veteran who had made his way into business. I have no doubt this man could intimidate anyone easily. If the clothes on his body were more than just brown rags, I would've called him a handsome lady-killer.

The woman was quite the opposite. Her cute expression and tear-filled eyes made her look in her 20s. That being said, her looks were average at best. As compensation, her touch was gentle as an Angel. Similarly to the man, she was wearing torn rags. Their clothes couldn't protect them in winter. Covering their privates was the best they could do.

"Dear, look at him. He looks so cute, just like you." The man whispered to, I assume, his wife.

"No, no. He looks like a cheeky lady-killer, just like you." The woman shot back.

I guess these are my...parents. 

Being reverted to an infant...this must be one of those headaches.

Sighing and accepting the ordeal, I opened my mouth and shocked the happiness out of them.

"My name is Linus."