Holding On

The lunchroom was noisier than usual and there was a buzz of anticipation in the air as students reveled in their last day before spring break.Stressful midterms were over for most of us so it was finally time to let loose and have a little fun.Having skipped over the main lunch offering—a small slab of indefinable meat—and opting instead for a slice of pepperoni pizza and a Twix bar,I swiped my lunch card and ignored the disapproving look the frumpy cashier aimed at me before carefully navigating my way through the throngs of teenagers to my usual spot.

I set my tray on the empty table,taking a seat before sliding off my backpack so I could search for my contraband Mountain Dew buried among the various textbooks,pens,and a crushed pack of spearmint gum.After my fingers wrapped around the now-warm can,I slipped it out of my bag as I scanned the large room for Jeff.No sign of him yet.Carefully,I checked over my shoulder for the watchful eyes of any teachers.It appeared I was in luck as none seemed to be around,so I chugged some Mountain Dew before discreetly setting it on the floor by my feet.Now that Stone Gate High School wasn’t selling soda anymore,wanting us to choose from healthy alternatives instead,I had been smuggling in my daily Dew.Warm or cold,it was still the best.Without that extra jolt of caffeine,there was no way I could make it through my afternoon classes.As for the candy bars?I couldn’t figure out why those were still for sale,but I certainly wasn’t going to bring it up and open a possible can of worms.

My gaze traveled the lunch room again in search of my best friend.As I watched the large double doors,I still didn’t see Jeff,but was surprised to see Russell and his posse of football players.They rarely ate lunch in the cafeteria,preferring instead to drive off campus to grab something.It was one of the perks of being a senior,but I seldom took advantage of it.

Russell Adams was the Big Man on Campus.He was star quarterback,dated the head cheerleader,had a 3.9 grade point average,and was gorgeous in every way.I furtively glanced around to make sure no one noticed me drooling over him before I let my eyes feast on my secret crush.Well,I guess I wouldn’t really call him a“crush”—I didn’t really want to datehim.I mean,I could care less about football,which was what he basically lived for.Russell was just too sexy not to watch,though.And,yes,I admit he starred in some of my favorite fantasies,but in reality,we had nothing in common anymore.Not like when we were kids.

But God,he was beautiful.With his thick dark brown hair tousled on top with a gradual fade on the sides,deep soulful eyes the color of milk chocolate,and those full lips,I was amazed more people weren’t openly salivating over him.In addition to all that beauty,he was tall with broad shoulders and thick legs.In a word,hot.Hot.Hot.Hot.Did I mention he was hot?

I watched as he made his way to the cheerleader table,where his equally beautiful girlfriend,Deidre,waited for him,his crew of fellow jocks following close behind.She greeted him with a grin and he wrapped her up in his arms,as if all the noise and chaos in the lunchroom fell away and they were the only two people there.

They were Stone Gate High’s golden couple.I suppose every high school has one.A sigh left my lips before I turned my gaze back to the door,searching for my friend and wishing,once again,I didn’t have to hide who I was from him.I trusted Jeff with almost everything else,but I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him my secret.Sometimes I wondered if I would ever be ready.

I could still remember the first time I realized I was a little different than my friends…

Fourth grade had just begun,and several of the girls had started to develop,which meant they wore bras.This quickly became a main topic of conversation among the boys on the playground,and the first time it was brought up,I was more than a little lost.

There we stood,a bunch of ten-year-old boys huddled on the playground,just as we always did when discussing our football game.Football was—and still is—a huge deal in Stone Gate,Kansas,and we all spent a lot of time plotting our next big play.To be honest,we probably spent more time planning than actually playing.

But this conversation was different.I heard the words,but didn’t understand what they meant.They certainly weren’t discussing football and everyone was speaking in hushed tones.

“Did you see her?”

“Which one?Kari?”

“Yeah!Maria had one on,too!”

The boys giggled and I tried to follow along,although at that time I had no idea what they were talking about.I wanted to ask,but even at my young age I somehow knew,if I did,I would only be laughed at.So I pretended to understand,giggling right along with them.Funny how young we are when we first learn to hide a part of ourselves in order to fit in.

“I think Dawn has the biggest ones!”

“Oh,yeah!”

“Definitely!”

The boys hooted,but I was still trying to decipher the conversation,which could have been in Russian,for all I understood.Until Russell Adams spoke.

“Man,boobs are so awesome,”he declared in a voice already way too deep for his age.

My cohorts nodded in solemn solidarity.

Comprehension flooded my young brain as I realized they were talking about girls and bras.Personally,I hadn’t even noticed,but I felt great relief that I was up to speed.Not wanting to look out of place,I was eager to share my knowledge and join in the conversation.Of course,the only thing I knew about bras was that my mom wore them,and whenever I saw them in the laundry,they looked weird and uncomfortable.Oh,and there were wires!Finally,I had something to contribute.

“Did you know some bras have wires?”I offered,keeping my voice level so as not to betray my relief at being part of the conversation.

All eyes turned to me,intrigued by this new tidbit.

“Wires?What for?”

Leave it to Kevin Mason to stump me.I had no answer.The only thing I reallyknew was that I had overheard my mom talking about how much she hated those“damn wires.”

“They help hold up the biggest ones,”Andy revealed.

That made sense.With eight sisters,he would definitely know.

We all“oohed”and“aahed”over that new information.Once again,I joined in,although it felt like being in some sort of weird alien brotherhood—one that now included boobs,bras,and girls.I didn’t understand the interest,but these guys had been my friends since kindergarten,so I certainly wasn’t going to stray from the pack.

Over the next few weeks,our playground discussions began to include who was cute,which girl was“going out”with which boy and,of course,more about bras.

One boy,Mark Hilton,even filled us in on how to removea bra.Apparently you had to reach around back while you were kissing the girl,so you could unhook it.This was big news because his brother was eighteen and dating a cheerleader,so we knew we could trust any knowledge Mark passed along.Removing a bra sounded like a lot of work to me,and I couldn’t really see an upside to putting in all that work.