Chapter 6

CHAPTER SIX

Ash’s POV


Two months later

Two months. Two months since Jace left. And every month, every week, everyday, every hour, every minute, every second, and even for every nanosecond, he was in my mind. Jace was always there, hovering inside, with his smile, his voice, his eyes and that soft look that was always there every time he looked at me, his touches, his laughter, his everything...

All of them were echoing inside my head, bouncing everywhere, over and over again, a never ending cycle that kept reminding me of what I didn’t do, and what I’ve failed to do. I was too stupid, too childish, too weak, to say that it wasn’t his fault, that it was my own weakness.

And sometimes, what he said to echoed in my head, bouncing around inside my skull. You carry my heart in your hands. I found myself drowned in another tirade of feelings, one that I didn’t know how to act on. I was torn between hoping, steeling myself to be strong so next time— Next time I can protect him better. Protect his heart and keep my promise.

I swallowed thickly and looked outside the window, it was my birthday.

For the first time since I could remember, Jace wasn’t here, he wasn’t standing near me with a huge smile on his face and an enormous chocolate shortcake with a lot of scattered strawberry toppings on it on his hand. He didn’t give me candles to blow this year, no presents, no ‘Happy Birthday’, no kiss on my forehead and on my cheeks, no wide happy grins from him. No anything, because he wasn’t here.

It felt like forever before he can take a break away from the army and came back.

Everyone told me to call him, write him a letter, whatever I can do to reach him but… I was scared. I was scared that in the short time he was gone, the short time that we were apart, he would be different and that he won’t find my selfishness endearing and it will just weigh him down, again. That when he see the world got to offer he would find himself stupid to put up with me and that he would have no reason to.

Maybe if I write to him or call him, he would ask for his heart back, that he'll find someone else, someone stronger, to take care of it. Not a spoiled, little princess.

I scowled.

I was a major coward I know, but I know it was my own fault and my own decision that left me here. More than anything, more than wishing Jace to be back, I wished I was stronger, I wished I was enough to carry his heart and protect it in a way he deserved.

When Jace left, he brought a huge chunk of me with him, he took away my life and hope from me.

It may sound sappy, cheesy and romance movie material but it was the truth. Jace took a part of me with him and I wished he left something behind for me to remember him by, it wasn’t like I was going to forget him, it was just that... it would feel nice if I could have a piece of him with me.

But Jace had something from me, his guitar pick and I hope it could always remind him that I will always wait for him, no matter how long. I will always be here until he’ll tell me that he won’t need me anymore, that he finally found someone suitable for him.

“I wish he get back safely so I could kick his butt for making my daughter so sad.” My mom remarked once, shaking her head.

It made me laugh for awhile before the reality came crashing back to me and I was sobbing hysterically in her arms again. And I felt bad that my mom knew I was hurting, it was like I put more things in her mind to worry about and she already had enough on her plate.

And I didn’t want that. I didn’t want her to be worried. It was like I only knew to make the people I love worry and trouble them.

So I acted strong, faked a smile and laugh when I needed to be. My mom knew it was fake but she didn’t question it, she knew how much I was hurting and how it took a toll on me to fake a smile and laugh. But for now, that was the only thing I do best.

I only left my room to go to school, where I barely pay any attention to what the teacher says, I day dreamed about Jace and imagined he was there with me most of the time. What would he say, what would he do, what would he look like… I knew I need to learn to be stronger and stopped wishing for it but for now, I was still mending my heart and trying to walk with a hole in my chest.

On weekends, I went to his house. He was almost never home, he spent the day with me, at my house or at school, playing sports. He only went house to sleep or to take a shower. It helped that he lived near me, we used to be so inseparable.

Sometimes I wanted to blame his father, the army, for taking him away from me. But I knew Jace made the decision himself and nothing can make him stay. I couldn’t blame Jace, I didn’t know who else to blame for this hollow in my chest. Who can I be mad at? How should I let this impure feelings go?

His room was just like I remembered it to be.

The walls were a soft shade of blue, his bed sheet was deep sea blue and his bedside tables were dark brown, as well as his bed headboard. His sheets were never rumpled because he had maids to take care of the house and his room.

Jace came from old money from her mother’s side, his parents eloped and she married Jace’s dad, from the stories, his parents’ life sounded like a fairytale till they met their end. They had such a great love story and lived happily until his mother died while delivering Jace, I always felt bad for her and hope it could end differently for them but I couldn’t thank her enough for bringing such an amazing boy to my life. Jace’s father, losing the love of his life, registered in the army as soon as possible to get away from the memory of his wife and Jace, for he looked so much like his mother. In the story, Jace’s father kneeled to his father in law and begged for forgiveness and please to take care of Jace. Because he was in no condition to take care of a child.

Jace’s grandfather always regretted not approving their marriage and was looking for her when his father came, bringing with him a days old Jace. His grandfather old man was so distraught from grief and regret, he had forgiven them both long ago, “There was nothing to forgive.” He would say. More than anything, he only regretted the fact that he couldn’t find his daughter sooner and be with her.

Jace was the gift she left behind, and his grandfather treasured him like he was the most precious thing on earth. He always whined to me about it, but I knew he was secretly happy that his grandfather cared about him, though in a way he really didn’t understand. He bought Jace anything he wanted,Jace stayed in the small house in our neighborhood.

I didn’t want him to have him out of mu sight even when I was only eight.

Jace was given everything he asked for, but still, he didn’t end up spoiled, not when he had me to keep him on his toes, no one could rival my selfishness so it made him responsible. He saved up the monthly allowances his grandfather left him for college, ever the responsible boy. When Jace told his grandfather he’s registering into the army, his grandfather almost have a heart attack but soon he realized it was the only thing Jace had to his father and he had to let Jace go to find closure.

They never talked to each other much, Jace believed his grandfather was only sending him money because he had to, because his father asked him too.

Not because his grandfather loved him.

Now his room was my only sanctuary, the sunlight streaming through the wall sized glass window every morning was a familiar sight to me, it made me calm and almost made me feel like Jace was here with me. Almost.

His books were scattered on his desk, his laptop laid untouched for two months, a jacket was slung over the chair, still. His bean bags were scattered in front of the TV that was mounted on the wall, above the fluffy carpeting. His xbox and cables scattered messily under the TV and his bathroom door was ajar, it still smelled like his shampoo. I was really grateful for that, as I borrowed his shampoo too.

I borrowed his clothes to lull me sleep, wearing it and clutching it to my chest, drowning myself in his scent, his everything, to remind me that he was there.

I was training myself for the past months to brace myself when he wasn’t here, to steel myself and suck it up. But it still wasn’t enough and hurts even more because how I spend the last few days before his departure avoiding any interaction with him.

A hole was punched into my chest and it wasn’t going to stitch itself back up until the time Jace would be back. For now, I was content to let the wound air dry inside trying to stitch it back myself, hopefully it will scab over soon.

Everyday was hell, I truly feel like I was missing a limb. I didn’t know what to do with my time. I used to have all my waking hours with Jace, now that he’s not here, what should I do?

I wanted to get better, I wanted to be stronger.

Yet I was like a broken doll, moving with the same routine repeatedly. But it was all I can manage to do to survive. I felt so weak and lifeless. Yet still, I wanted to get better. I wanted to be stronger.

With those wishes echoing loudly in my head, I found myself drifting to sleep, surrounded by his smell, clutching his jacket, wishing so hard that I’ll be stronger.

“Ashley? Honey?” My mom called from downstairs, her voice echoing in the empty house.

I blinked my eyes open and got up drowsily, “Hi, mom.” I said weakly, rubbing my eyes.

She literally beamed at me, it was the first time I’ve seen her genuinely smile after I fell into my pathetic comatose phase. What happened, I wonder.

“Something come for you in the mail baby, it’s huge and it’s from Jace.” She said happily, jumping up and down in excitement.

I stared at her, was she serious? Was this some kind of joke? But before I could drown myself in my useless thoughts she snapped me out of it and dragged me to our house, where like she said, sat a huge package. It was wrapped in a soft purple wrapper and tied with a massive silver ribbon.

My heart beat so loudly in my chest, from hope and happiness, a gift from Jace.

I plucked the card in a blinding speed and read,

FOR ASH,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

-JACE

I looked up at my mom, “Who delivered this?” I asked, my voice starting to crack, I was afraid if I say something wrong they were going to snatch my present away from me.

My mom thought for awhile, “A boy from the mall. He said it was ordered to be delivered specifically today.”

My eyes were glistening to tears as we dragged it inside and sat it in my living room. I looked at my mom, she smiled back, “I’ll leave you to it, hon. I need to watch my soap opera.”

I sighed in relief, “Thanks, mom.”

Her eyes shined with understanding. “Of course honey.” She said softly and left a comforting grip on my shoulder.

When she disappeared around the corner I took a deep breath and with shaking hands, I unwrapped the gift slowly. The ribbon came off first, then the wrapper.

Inside was an enormous pale pink teddy bear, it was almost my height, I reached up to it and hugged it to my chest. It gave me a sense of comfort instantly, it felt like Jace was hugging me instead, it was warm and it was a gift from him.

With a small smile, I sat it down beside me, under the wrapper was a letter. My fingers trembled as I peeled it open.

Dear Ash,


Happy Birthday!

Words wouldn’t be able to convey how much I am missing you right this second so I won't try.

I want you to eat regularly and stop skipping meals, I want you to try to live and just think about me like I’m there with you. Because I will be wishing I am with you everyday, every second, every living moment of my life, I will wish you’re here with me but that’s dangerous and I value your safety and happiness and besides, I don’t think the bed in the army will be suitable for my princess.

Don’t worry about me too much because I will come back soon. No matter where I am, I will always be safe because you carry my heart remember? No one can hurt me because I have you to protect me, even this far away.

I ordered this a month before I left, but I have to add some extra detail a week before I left. You will find out that extra detail later if you hug Jacy enough. And I hope you like it and didn’t laugh at me for being so sappy.

The kind lady in the store even give you a rose Ash. She said I was such a gentleman, yeah, I know right?

I will be home soon, but until then, I want you to put a smile on your face and live happily.

I will be home soon, I promise.

P.S The bear’s name is Jacy

P.S.S If you don’t receive any letters from me, it’s probably because it take a long time to be delivered and get there. But I will be waiting for your letters, no matter what happens.


Jace


I clamped a hand on my mouth to stop my sobbing from being a full out bawling, as my tears streamed freely on my cheeks. I stared at the blurry letter in my hand, the writing was definitely Jace’s, and Jace was the only person in the world who was able to joke about me in that carefree way.

I wiped my tears away and for the first time in two months, I felt a genuine smile tugged at my lips.